Title: Spock's Logs 4
Author: Istannor 
Series: TOS
Part: 1/1
Rating: PG. 13
Codes:
Summary:  This is set 1 week after the mission to the Khoi.
We give our thanks to Ambassador Spock's estate for
allowing
us to view these records. It allows us an unusual insight
into the process by which the most famous Command team
in
Starfleet history, became a team.

Disclaimer: These are the characters of Paramount and
Viacom. They own them. I only check 'em out from the
library. I promise to bring 'em back.
Spock's Logs 4

[Stardate 1691]

I did as I said I would do. I informed Captain Kirk today, that
he could not expect any friendship from me. I explained that
emotional relationships had no logical basis for existence for
a Vulcan. I also explained that I was aware he may require an
emotionally based relationship, as a human, and encouraged
him to search out Dr. McCoy. Dr. McCoy is excessively
emotional, and quite capable of meeting James Kirk's needs
for friendship. I did as I stated I would. Having completed that
task. I still have been unable to go pass the fifth level of
meditation.

The Captain was silent as he listened to my announcement. I
was unable to read his facial expressions, which I now realize
he had freely shared with me in the past. Previously, I thought
they were involuntary reflections of his thoughts because of
his lack of emotional control as a human. I saw today that
they were voluntary insights into his mind's workings. He had
been sharing with me, giving me clues in order to better
understand human behavior. He removed those clues today. I
was unable to ascertain any of his thoughts or reactions. It
was similar to staring at a Vulcan master. Perhaps that
serves as a clue to what he was thinking.

Finally, when I finished, he stood and walked over to where I
was. He looked at me, still in silence, and then he nodded
once. I remember how emotions often shout out from James
Kirk, as if he can project them. Standing there in front of me
today, I sensed cold. All he said was: "Very well, Mr. Spock.
Thank-you for that information. You are dismissed." He then
turned, went to his desk, sat down, and began working on his
reports. I walked out, unnoticed.

What have I done? If my act was truly logical, why is it I feel no
sense of triumph of logic over irrationality? Why I am unable
to reach acceptance? Perhaps, this concept requires further
reflection. Unfortunately, I need to speak with a human about
this. I will not speak with McCoy. He is far too judgmental.
Lieutenant Uhura is discreet and an excellent judge of human
character. She has also proven to be insightful in the past. I
will ask her to enlighten me on the concept of friendship, and
what is expected of one, in that relationship. I am sure she
will be of assistance. I have read several treatises on
friendship, but I did not find them to be helpful. None of them
have explained to me why I am unable to rationally deal with
threat or injury to the Captain. None of them explained why,
being summarily dismissed today has made me
embarrassed. I will go speak with Lt. Uhura, now.  I see an
appropriate resolution to this issue may be vital to the welfare
of this ship.

Pause Log

Resume Log

Nyota Penda Uhura is a brilliant, insightful, wise woman. I
honor her. I had no idea that she and Jim had been friends
prior to him joining the Enterprise.  Though she did not say
so, at this point I surmised that there was far more then
simple friendship to their relationship. That speaks much of
their mutual constraint. I attempted to question her on the
general nature and truths of the human concept of friendship.
She refused to rest with generalities and said: "Mr. Spock, I
will tell you how to be a friend to James Kirk. I will not discuss
generalities with you. If that is not what you want, then find
someone else to speak with, Sir. " I did not realize I was so
transparent. I acquiesced, because to do less would be
dishonest. She has enlightened me as to the true nature of
Captain Kirk's personality. She states very clearly that he is
emotionally intense, loyal to a fault, and vulnerable in a
fashion that I had never anticipated, or deduced.

I was under the impression that the Captain had  friends on
every ship he had ever served on, and every Starbase he
had ever visited. Perhaps there is some part of me that
yearned not to be one of the many who surround him in open
supplication. I repeatedly see people crowding around him
when we come to another base, or Federation World. Lt.
Uhura says those are most often people that want to say they
know him, or want something from him, from sex to favors.
She says he is always cordial, but keeps a large part of
himself hidden, tucked away for safety. Those people never
see that part of him. She says he has allowed me to see
more of the real him, than any of those synchopants have
ever been privy to. She reassures me, that there is still far
more to see, if I become worthy of his trust.

I have now learned the difference between casual
acquaintances and true friends. I have now been made to
understand that the Captain desired me to be his true friend,
not a casual friend. He desired someone with whom he could
share confidences. He requires someone on whom he can
depend, for other things than ship's business. He requires
someone with whom it is not mandatory that he always be
"The Captain". Uhura says that he has a core of innocence
and vulnerability that he allows hardly anyone to see. She has
seen it, and it almost broke her heart. It was wondrous for her
to be with him, when he was being himself, Jim Kirk. He was
the best friend she had ever had up until that point in life. She
assures me that he will be that for me also, if I allow it. She
also warned me that if I did not, the job would consume him,
and destroy him, as it did Pike, because he has no other
options on board this ship. She says McCoy is wonderful, but
he does not understand the part of Jim that lets him kill with
little visible hesitation. McCoy does not understand the
command persona. It is true that McCoy is a healer and
unable to harm a fly, as she phrased it, except with his
questionable wit. Though why he would want to harm a
winged insect, Drusophilus genus, origin earth, I have no
idea. I do know that I do not wish him to end up as
Christopher Pike did, depressed, burdened, and distant.

I inquired of her, what the perceived benefit was to friendship,
that humans risk so much pain to have it. She responded: " A
true friend, Spock, is someone that you never turn to look for;
they are always there. A true friend is someone that will look
for what you need, and not wait for you to ask. A true friend is
someone that sees nothing you do, as being embarrassing,
or lessening you. A true friend will tell you when you are
wrong and take no pleasure in that fact, and rejoice with you
when you are right. A true friend completes you and lets you
know that you are not alone." Fascinating. This is the Vulcan
concept of T'hy'la. I did not think Humans were capable of this
depth of attachment that transcends the physical and enters
the realm of the metaphysical. I had always thought that it was
a relationship reserved for those with telepathy, because of
the requirement of "Knowing" and "Reading" the other. Uhura
assures me that this is not so.

I then asked her, without the right to do so, I admit, but
curiosity, a weakness of mine, drove me. Why, I asked did
she not continue her close relationship with the Captain? I
have seen them interact; they are cordial, often playful, and
respectful to each other, but I would not call them close. She
looked sad for a moment, and I regretted the question. She
said she had chosen to end the "Friendship" out of fear. She
admitted that her relationship with James Kirk was intense
and all consuming. He started to become all that she needed,
or wanted and she became afraid that she would lose herself
in him, and never find her way out. I did not understand what
that meant and I told her that was the case. She explained
further. She said that she had dreams and hopes for her
career at the time they were friends. She had dreamed of
being on a Starship and seeing new worlds, all of her life.
She found that dream fading, even though Jim never asked
anything like that of her. She said she saw herself beginning
to contemplate marriage and children, and staying on some
nice planet, waiting for Jim to return to her when he could.
She saw herself going to him and asking him to marry her.
He would have said yes, and at the time they would not have
been posted together, so she would have opted for a ground
assignment in his quadrant to be near him. She stated very
emphatically, that she ran, before she weakened, and gave
up her stars. It seems that our Captain engenders that
response more than I had anticipated. I believe I am guilty of
running, also.

This has been most informative. I am indebted to Nyota for
her honesty and her insight. She is a good friend to us both,
and I will not forget this service. I must learn to deal with the
ambiguous emotions I have regarding friendship. I will
meditate on this new information, and inform the Captain of
the outcome of those meditations. I hope I have not
irretrievably damaged our professional relationship.

End Log