Title: Spock's Logs 5
Author: Istannor 
Series: TOS
Part: 1/1
Rating: PG. 13
Codes: 
Summary:  This is set After the mission known as the Naked
Time. We give our thanks to Ambassador Spock's estate for
allowing us to view these records. It allows us an unusual
insight into the process by which the most famous Command
team in Starfleet history, became a team.

Disclaimer: These are the characters of Paramount and
Viacom. They own them. I only check 'em out from the
library. I promise to bring 'em back.
Spock's Logs 5

Stardate: 1701.2 formerly 1704.2, prior to time travel

What we have done today has never been done before in the
history of Starfleet, or Vulcan recorded history. We have
beaten an invisible and newly discovered intoxicant,
witnessed the disintegration of a world, and traveled in
time. I should feel a sense of accomplishment for these
three achievements. There is no dishonor in recognizing
achievement. It is logical to do so, as the soul requires
milestones on its journey to oneness. I have reached new
attainments, yet I can find no contentment in my
meditations, or my life. 

I am most uncomfortable with the open attempts of Christine
Chapel to consummate a relationship with me. Her pursuit is
unseemly. Under the influence of the chemical contaminant
from Psi 2000, she confessed her love for me. I do not wish
her to love me. I am betrothed. I will return at my time,
and marry T'Pring. Christine's desires in this regard are of
no consequence, what will be, will be. In pursuit of truth,
I admit that even were I not betrothed, Nurse Chapel would
hold no attraction for me. She has neither the force of
personality, nor the sharp intellect that I would otherwise
desire in a mate, had I the ability to choose. I will give
her a period of privacy to attain acceptance.

I have reviewed the events in my mind and find that the most
disturbing aspect of the affair was my lack of ability to control
my emotional outbursts. I am at a loss as to why my Vulcan
disciplines did not work, until the Captain hit me and yelled at
me. He yelled at me in unrestrained anger. When I had no
answer for him, as we battled the countdown to destruction
threatened by Baalok, he was disgusted and disappointed at
my surrender. When I told him Gary Mitchell had to be
stranded, he was hurt at my lack of sensitivity. Never have I
caused him to be enraged. He has never yelled at me before,
even when I told him Gary had to die. His yell was audible
and mental. I received his psychic shout, his need, and his
rage that I was failing him. I believe it was that rage, which
finally freed me from the hold of the intoxicant. It is to my
shame that his rage was required to do what Vulcan
disciplines should have accomplished alone. I have failed
both he and my heritage, yet again.

I told Jim I was ashamed when I called him friend. This
admission occurred after I had agreed to attempt to be his
friend. I have retained an obvious sense of ambivalence
regarding our arrangement. Even I did not realize this fact
until I said it under the influence of a mind altering substance.
I spoke it, and it was truth. I have never told my Mother that I
love her, and I am ashamed to be known as James Kirk's
friend. I am ashamed to have not told my Mother that  I love
her, though it is the Human in me that sees that as a lack. The
Vulcan recognizes those words as unnecessary. I am
ashamed to have a friend, because a true Vulcan should not
require one. I am ashamed to be less than a true Vulcan, and
James Kirk threatens this. His very presence in my life
threatens my perception of self. I believe I have injured him
again, emotionally and physically. I know that my blow
damaged his jaw, though he has not mentioned it. My Vulcan
strength is too great for fragile human bones. Only his skills at
self defense saved his life, as the blow could have broken his
neck. He did not even pause before he leaped to his feet to
come at me again. Did he not realize I could have killed him
then? Where is his sense of caution? Where is his restraint?
He continually pushes me past where I wish to be.

I must accept my actions, and my truths. Using this
acceptance, I may move on. I heard what he said. My mind
was avidly trying to rid itself of the drug while he finally
descended into the depths of its influence. I heard every word
he said. "Love, your better off without it and I'm better off
without mine.  This vessel, I give, she takes. She won't permit
me my life, I've got to live hers."

I have nothing to free him. I am unable to free myself from this
quagmire of indecision and confusion into which I have
descended. It gives me no solace to know that his torment is
as harsh as my own. I do not wish him to suffer.

It is clear that he suffers for us all, for we are the ship. He
uses all the tools at his disposal to preserve his ship, from a
blow to the face of his first officer, to his own fractured jaw.
He is as much a tool as I am, in this regard, because I
surmise he will use us both, without mercy. I now understand
what he meant when he told me he will not sacrifice me or
cause my death except for a cause I can accept as sufficient.
He is controlled, wholly owned, by his duty to this ship. If I
choose to stay by him, I will descend into bondage with him.
Contrary to McCoy's ignorant verbal meandering, Vulcan has
never been conquered. Why should I allow myself to be ruled
by James Kirk's obsession? Why should I allow this weaker
human to conquer me? I must consider the possibility that it
is already too late to ask that question. I must consider the
possibility that I have already surrendered. I see no
agreeable alternative to our present course.

I have not had an opportunity to speak with him at length,
since we left Psi 2000. We are very short of personnel,
because of the many minor injuries sustained by members of
the crew while they were intoxicated. I inquired after his well-
being and he assured me he was well, but his eyes did not
speak of health, or well-being, they spoke of pain. I fear for
his continued well-being. He has sacrificed too much of
himself to attain his goals. He has given away too much for
our continued success. I have decided that he will function at
greater efficiency if he is always able to share his burdens
with me. I will attempt to place myself in his stead, to spare
him from the continual onslaught of decisions and
responsibilities that burden him. It is logical to do this, in
order that he may function more efficiently.

I have come to another decision. I have been a fool.  There is
no cause for me to be ashamed of being a friend to one such
as he. He is brilliant, decisive, patient, inventive, loyal,
insightful, and as logical as he chooses to be. These are all
admirable traits in a human, or a Vulcan. He is not a Vulcan,
and I should not expect him to pursue the same self-reliance
that I have pursued. I should not expect him to evince a
preference to be alone. I have always been alone, but it is
possible that it is not the preferable state of being I had
assumed it to be. Shame is illogical, therefore, I release it; it
is no more.

I will arrange for a shoreleave after we finish our time
patrolling the neutral zone. It will be on a planet with a
temperate climate, warm waters, and sandy beaches.
Perhaps I can also locate one with a warm tradewind, and a
dearth of biting insects. Jim will never do it for himself; it is
not his nature. I will arrange this for him. I believe some rest in
a tropical setting and some natural sunlight will serve to relax
him and lift some of the burdens from his shoulders. It will
admittedly be a brief respite, but it is sorely needed by he
and the crew. He will be more efficient after such an interlude.
It is the logical thing to do.

End Log