Title: Spock's Log 7 Author: Istannor Series: TOS Part: 1/1 Rating: [PG] Codes: Summary: Spock reconsiders his behavior on Cerate. Disclaimer: These are the characters of Paramount and Viacom, they own them I only check 'em out from the library. I promise to bring 'em back. Spock's Log 7 I awoke today in Sickbay to the incessant questions of Dr. McCoy. He is without any semblance of emotional restraint and refuses to respect my right to privacy. He insisted the occurrences on the planet are potential areas of long-term conflict between myself and the Captain. He is in error. I did my duty, both as a First Officer and as a friend when I attempted to influence my Captain to sacrifice me instead of risking himself, or the other members of our landing party in an ill- advised bid to rescue me. It was a completely logical argument. McCoy has insisted that I talk to my log since I will not engage him in conversation. I agreed, because any further disputation with him would be without benefit. He wants to know if I'm angry with the Captain for rendering me unconscious. Anger is a human emotion. I am not angry. Vulcans do not indulge in anger. What reason could I give to explain my anger? Perhaps, I was overzealous in my resistance to my commander's orders. I have reviewed my reasoning and I consider it to have been sound. I understand Captain Kirk's wish to not abandon me. However, that action should not have caused undue guilt on his part. Leaving me would have been logical as well as complied with Surak's tenets of greater good. There was definitive worth in all of the landing party surviving. Baring that possibility, the next most logical goal was all, except myself, surviving. The Captain has been to the Sickbay to see me only once since I awoke. McCoy said the Captain was here every day while I was in a healing trance. Jim acted distant and controlled. I could feel his anger. What right does he have to feel anger towards me? He went against my wishes as a full adult Vulcan male and discounted my advice as his First officer. He risked himself and all of our landing party on the remote chance that we all would be saved. The fact that we were rescued does not mitigate the ambivalence I have regarding this episode in the slightest. Perhaps they could have avoided the creature that killed our crewwoman if Jim had not been carrying me. If more had died, would the risk and result still have been acceptable? If Jim had died because of his insistence on carrying me, would anyone, particularly me, have found his sacrifice to be acceptable? In the reverse position, I would have left him. It was the logical decision to make. I would have taken my surviving and mobile crewmembers to safety and attempted to return once the crew had reached safety. There was some safety in the downed flyer and perhaps the terrorists would have only taken him as a hostage instead of killing him. If the pursuit had not found him, it is possible he would have been able to fight off any attacking creatures, providing he had a secure position to fire from. I would have left him as he should have left me… I would have left him and he would have died, horribly alone. As I sit here, I am able to visualize the scene and its aftermath. His corpse is laying at my feet, bloody and ripped to shreds by animals, or criminals. I lift it and return in silence to the site where the crew awaits their Captain. They stare at me with eyes full of accusation. I know there will no longer be any comfort for me on this ship. I will have no place to turn for solace or peace. I will have no one who calls me friend. Enough. I could return to my status before a human deigned to call me friend. I have my work, my studies. I have the galaxy to explore. I could do it... but, it would be difficult. Heya, I am a fool. If he left me behind to be killed by the creatures in the swamp, he would have been no better able to accept the outcome than I. At least, I must deduce that he would not. His actions tell me this. I was too immersed in his rejection of my sacrifice to see what could have motivated his decision. He gave me his promise to never cause my death without justifiable cause. The cause obviously did not meet his criteria. Is this behavior pattern also consistent with the human perception of friendship and loyalty, or just James Kirk's perception? If so, it is totally irrational. He should never sacrifice himself for one person. He is too valuable to Starfleet and the ship. There is no equal worth between a Starship Captain of his level of expertise and any single crew person. Agreed, all life is sacred, but there is a hierarchy of needs. His life has more value then any other single crew person, especially mine, and I do not ever desire him to die in my stead. It is not the act of a rational being to sacrifice the greater for the lesser. We must discuss this at length, my Captain and I. He is undoubtedly angry because I questioned his decision at a crucial time. It is not my norm to do so, and I admit to a personal motive for my actions. I wanted him to live more than I desired my own continuance, even though that is illogical. Self preservation is the rule of nature and while I consider myself to be above the lower animals, I still am driven by the same needs. I wish to live. Why then was I so adamant in my drive to die on Cerate? I must achieve understanding. I know I am not suicidal and I am not inclined to be insubordinate, a least not concerning the edicts of Captain James Kirk. My judgment has become flawed and my motivations are clouded by emotion. This must not be. I must separate friendship from the command hierarchy. There is no excuse for my act of insubordination. My urge was protective and I must conclude, emotionally based. My inadequate thought processes blinded me to reality. I have failed my Vulcan training yet again, but I do not feel condemned by this current failing. I am satisfied that the cause was sufficient. I cannot protect James Kirk from his own decisions and it is obvious I cannot force him to change his decisions once they have been made. His will is the stronger as it must be. He commands; I follow. I will seek him out as soon as I am released from the sick bay. I will explain where I erred in my thought process and assure him it will not occur again. I believe humans call this process, "making up". I will tell him where he commands, I will follow. … "Spock?" "I am here, Captain." "You must be feeling better if Bones let you out of the bed. How are your legs?" "They are healing at an accelerated rate, thanks to Dr. McCoy's bells and totems." "He has said I may leave the sickbay, but I may not return to duty. It is quite agreeable to hear you laugh again. Are you still angry with me?" "What makes you think I was angry with you?" "Jim…" "Okay, so I was angry. The answer is no; I'm more angry with myself now. I'm sorry for what I did to you. I devalued your input and…" "Rendered me unconscious." "Yeah, that too." "Captain…Jim, I have had some time to think about my motivations on Cerate and my actions. I was insubordinate and it is I who should ask forgiveness. Though, in complete honesty, my calculations gave us almost no chance of surviving with my incapacity hampering our retreat. I assume you had some help to carry me out of the swamp." "You could assume that." "Jim, who?" "When is Bones going to let you go on light duty?" "Jim, who helped you?" "Everyone was a great help." "I see. You realize I can simply ask someone else and receive the correct response?" "Spock…" "Sam told us about this aspect of your personality." "What?" "To watch over you and not allow you to misdirect us. I assume you are trying to do so now. I will not ask you again since it is your right to tell me only what you wish me to know, but do not make the error of thinking your misdirection was successful." "Damn, Sam has a very big mouth. Alright, I didn't want you to die." "You should not risk your secret for me in that manner, whatever it is. To risk exposure is unwise." "It won't be the first unwise thing I've ever done. May I sit next to you?" "Of course." "When we crashed and I found you under that beam, I was as mad as I've ever been in my life, and scared. It hit me that dying in a swamp on a side trip was a real waste of your life, and I couldn't take the thought of having to watch you die, or worse, leave you to die alone. I…" "Please continue, Jim." "Did Sam tell you he knows his time?" "Yes." "Spock, I couldn't be rational over losing Sam and you. I know I can't do anything about Sam, but I decided I was going to save you even if everyone figured out I was a little different. I no longer give a happy damn." "Do you wish to tell me how different?" "I will, one day, I promise." "You would sacrifice a lifetime of secrecy for me; why?" "I needed to. I couldn't breath anytime I thought about the alternatives. I can't tell you anymore than that, because that's all I know. At that moment, it was the burning need of my life, and nothing else mattered as much. In public, I just say I had a hunch it would work out okay." "You honor me beyond my worth." "I doubt that, my friend." "Jim, I had decided to tell you something immediately before you entered." "What?" "I wish you to know this. For as long as you command, I will follow you wherever you lead and… Jim, are you okay, are you in pain? Why are you holding your head?" "No, no, Spock, I'm fine. You just surprised me." "Are you in pain?" "No, no, not at all, quite the contrary. " "I am pleased that we were able to talk this through. It appears that "kissing your ass" was not a requirement for us to reach an understanding." "You, kissing my ass? Did Bones tell you to do that or did you come to that concept on your own?" "Actually, I had decided to ask your forgiveness, and then the good doctor told me I should grovel. His exact words were: "Grovel and get on with your life." "That is really strange, especially since Bones came to see me today and already knew I had gotten over it, and was coming to apologize to you." "It appears the doctor decided to "pull my lei". "That's, "pull my leg", Spock. In fact, I told McCoy that I realized I was the problem, not you. I told him, I knew I couldn't get past leaving a member of my crew to die alone. I'd rather kill you myself." "Let me make sure I understand you, Jim. You would rather kill me, then leave me?" "Well, I may be exaggerating… a little." "I see; then I shall endeavor to remain mobile, or portable, at all times." "Deal. Are you hungry?" "Actually, yes." "Let's go to dinner then. If you have time afterwards, I will spank you at chess. " "That is doubtful." "Do you want to bet?" "Vulcans do not wager, we prognosticate." "Come on, and while we eat, we can decide how to get even with Bones. We can always tell him we hollered and screamed at each other until we got tired." "I think we should also tell him you pulled a phaser on me." "On stun, or kill?" "I was not sure until after the event." "That is good, very good, Science Officer." "It is my pleasure to serve, Captain." "Did you know you left the log recorder on?"