Title: The Vigil's Chorus 
Author: Istannor 
Series : TOS
Part: 1/1
Rating NC I7 implied m/m and language
copyright 1998 Stardust Memories 2 All Parts 1-6
Synopsis: Set during the second five year voyage after Spock
has declared his intentions to bond with Kirk and Kirk has
refused, adamantly and repeatedly out of fear of causing
Spock to die like all those who went before. Kirk has been
injured on a routine diplomatic mission and during his
recovery everyone has thoughts on what should happen for
Kirk and Spock in the future. All stories are first person
except this one which is interwoven POV by design.

These are the characters of paramount and viacom, they own
them I only check 'em out from the library. I promise to
bring 'em back.


The Vigil's Chorus

Look at Jimboy, sometimes he looks like something created,
instead of birthed. He's still asleep. There's Spock, right
where I knew I left him. I'll come back in a minute, to
check on them both. I need to check those tissue samples.

 	I move my hand across his chest where the scars still
 	are ugly angry red marks on his smooth skin. As I touch
 	him, I can feel his essence singing to me through my
 	hands. I will drop my shields. His aura is bright, so
 	bright and warm. I am nourished.

There's Spock. Oops, I think that this conversation looks
private. I should leave. I will in a minute, really Nyota,
you should.

	"Hello, Jim. You are awake, I see. I did not intend to
	startle you. It is time we talked. We need to discuss
	your recent actions; we need to discuss our future. I
	can touch your thoughts, my fiery one, and I know you
	love me. It is time to stop dissembling. I felt your
	orgasm as you watched me, thinking me asleep. I felt you
	come with my name on your mind's voice. Say my name
	again, now, T'hy'la, with me awake and looking at you.
	Call me.  I will come to you, and for you, always."

"Spock, I'm sorry. I didn't mean for you...oh shit. That is
not what I was trying to do. I didn't mean to call you."

	"You did. Across space, you called me from Gol. What
	would make you think that a mere .43 meters would not be
	louder ? Touch me, and then look at me and tell me that
	you do not want me to touch you again. Feel this kiss,
	and tell me that you do not desire more."

I should leave. I will in a minute. Sweet mercy. How much
can that Vulcan love him to kiss him like that? I don't ever
think I've seen such longing, such need in a single kiss. I
should leave, but I can't. I remember his lips, sweet, soft,
and tasting like cinnamon. Feather touches across my face.
Sweet Jim.

"Oh Lord, Spock, don't."

	"A single tear. I have seen you cry before, but it has
	always been in pain. Am I the cause of your pain, now?
	Do not cry, Jim, please. I can not bear your tears. I
	care for you too much to cause you pain. Please. If you
	can tell me honestly that you do not want me, I will
	never ask again. Tell me that you do not love me. Tell
	me that you do not want me to hold you and never let you
	go. Tell me that you want to be alone without me there
	beside you, inside your mind always."

Shit, what a time to almost walk in. Why did that  damn
Vulcan decide to make his move in my sickbay? Why the hell
couldn't he wait? I can feel the plates shifting. I for one
am getting the hell outta the way this time. Jim and he will
either merge or explode here and now. I'll come back later
and pick up whatever is left over. What is he saying, now?
Maybe I should watch for just a minute, out of medical
necessity.

	"Touch me, Jim. Here and here, at the meld points. Yes.
	Hear me, this, all of this is for you only you, no one
	else ever but you. Feel me now, T'hy'la. Feel what I
	offer you. Feel what I will give, willingly, to you. You
	are not afraid of me. You fear nothing. Touch me. Hear
	my soul call your name. My mind to yours. I will always
	walk at your side. I will give all that I have, to
	support and nurture you . You will never be alone
	again."

Touch him, Jim. Do it dammit. You deserve happiness. You
deserve to not be alone. He is offering you the kind of love
that a sane man, or this woman, would die for. Don't say no,
please, Jim. I want you to be happy. We all do. I should've
said yes, but I didn't, and he has. Talk, damn you.

	"Jim, touch my mind. Feel my thoughts. They are yours.
	All that I am is yours." 

Dammit, Jim. Why don't you come down off the damn cross for
once? You are only human. We poor stupid mortals need love
too. Let Spock be the one. You'll never find  a better one.
At least, he can be strong for you. He can help you, when
the decisions you make tear at your core. He can heal your
hidden wounds. I know I can never do that for you. I feel
when I should think. I rage when I should shut the hell up.
Let him love you.

Oh, sweet mournful tune, Jim, say yes, like I should have
years ago. He won't run from you ever again. He's learned
his lesson. Say yes.

	"Jim. I love you, now and forever. In this reality and
	all others, I love you. Touch me, and never doubt it
	again. Say yes, believe."

"Damn you, Spock, no, stop it. You're not mine. I don't want
you. I don't want anybody, anymore. I can't love you. I'm
not capable of love. I won't love you. Leave me. Let me live
like I should, like I'm meant to be, alone."

"You are lying, Jim. You've called his name in your sleep
every night you've slept in my sickbay. You look for him
before you even open your eyes. You make a space for him to
walk beside you, even if he isn't there. We have just used
you too hard my friend. This is your pain talking, not the
joy and relentless hope that fires your soul. Listen to him,
Jim. You were his savior, and now he will be your
redemption."
  
	"Touch my mind first and if you can still say that
	afterward, I will never ask you again, T'hy'la, my
	oath."

"Spock, let me be. I don't want to hurt you like I have all
the rest. I never want to hurt you."

	"Shhh...touch me. ........Yes, like that.  Yes...I see.
	Look at the meld, see...we are a tapestry of light and
	colors, so beautiful together. I can see the truth of
	you, here. You  shine brighter than a nova. I can see
	what you would not say. Love has made you lie for me, to
	save me, all for me. No one else, has ever given such a
	gift. You love me. The lie will not spare me, T'hy'la; I
	am yours. I have nowhere else I wish to go. I have
	nowhere else to find myself except in you. Decide or
	not, it will be the same. I am content to know that I am
	loved. One day. This life or after. One day."

"No, Spock."

	"No, Spock. It is unlike you to be repetitive. You have
	not told me, you can not tell me,  that you do not love
	me any longer. That lie is behind us, permanently and
	irrevocably."

Ah,  Jim, you are a fool, an idiot. Why, Jimboy, why? Even
this old doctor knows better.

Oh, sweet mercies. Here I am standing in a doorway
eavesdropping on my friends and crying. Way to go, Nyota.
How do you ever justify this? I just want to see him happy
again. I want to see them both be happy. They deserve to be
happy. I don't want to sing their lives as a tragedy.  He
has lost so much and given everything he has to us, and for
us. I just want to see him smile with love again, like he
did for me on Starbase 19. I don't even care if the smile is
for someone else. I need to go play my music now. It will
have to be a sad song, of love lost, and opportunities
missed. Bad decision, Sweet Jim, my Sad Jim.

	"I would like to kiss you again. Please do not refuse
	me. Yes. I can taste your tears. They are part of me,
	now. Know this, James Kirk, thou art my sweet joy. Thou
	art the essence of my dreams. I shall go now. I will not
	apologize, for pursuing my goal, T'hy'la. When you awake
	in the morning, I shall still be at your side as always.
	I will be prepared for you when you have come to the
	only logical and rational decision. When first we met, I
	was a wounded child. My thoughts and desires were those
	of a child. I solely desired your proximity and your
	reassurance. You healed me. You forced me to grow. I am
	a fully grown Vulcan male now, James Tiberius Kirk, and
	I desire you. I will have you."

Jim, why the hell are you letting him walk out like this?
Shit. Shit. Shit. I think I'll have to beat some sense into
your head before this is all over. I need a drink. In fact,
I need a couple of damn drinks. Shit, damn it, I'll just go
get drunk.

Oh damn, you could kill rain, James Kirk. What in the world
is wrong with me? I ... can't... let...go. Control, I've got
to have control.  Spock. I need you. I love you, T'hy'la. I
love you so much I hurt inside all the time, every day,
because I can't let myself have you. I'd drown you with my
needs. I'd screw you until you bled. I'd never be able to
get enough. You mean more to me than my life, or this ship,
or the stars. I'll give every last damn one of them all up,
before I risk you. I'll make you stay away, so you can live.
I have to be what I was meant to be, what I signed on to be.
I'm  the Captain. That's all I am. Nobody else is home. I'm
the most efficient killing machine the Federation has ever
produced. If you get any closer to who I am, the machine
will  kill you too. I'm meant to die alone. It's the only
way, dammit. 

Tell me why doesn't this make me feel good, if it's the
right decision? Why doesn't it give me any peace? Why does
it have to hurt so frigging much? Why haven't I learned to
not feel at all? Oh God, I hope I'm not wrong.
Please, somebody tell me I've made the right decision. No,
there is never anyone to do that for me. I forgot that, for
a moment.

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