Title: The Vigil, The End
Author: Istannor 
Series : TOS
Part: 1/1
Rating NC I7 
Code: K/S implied,lang.

Synopsis: Set during the second five year voyage after Spock
has declared his intentions to bond with Kirk and Kirk has
refused, adamantly and repeatedly out of fear of causing
Spock to die like all those who went before. Kirk has been
injured on a routine diplomatic mission and during his
recovery everyone has thoughts on what should happen for
Kirk and Spock in the future. 

These are the characters of paramount and viacom, they own
them I only check 'em out from the library. I promise to
bring 'em back.






			The Vigil's End


"Stand up, Jimboy, slowly. Okay. Here, lean up against me
for a minute to get your bearings. God, you look pale, and
too sweaty."

"Leonard, here," Chapel handed him a hypo, with a mild
stimulant, to counteract his hypotension and boost his
immune response. McCoy injected it quickly, but Kirk's
vitals only showed a mild response. That was not a good
sign. McCoy took some blood and tissue samples to send to
the lab.

"Jim, we're going to let you sit up, for a while. You can
use the computer, read, or play chess.  That's all, not one
damn thing more. You got me?"  Kirk nodded once, quietly.
Kirk looked like hell, far worse than he should've at this
point of his recovery: Stress, pure, damn stress.  He and
that damn Vulcan were as tense as two great cats fighting
over the territory. Unfortunately, the territory they were
fighting over was the future direction of their lives.  Kirk
was unnaturally quiet.  He sat back limply, not even
bothering to wipe at the fine sheen of sweat that dusted his
skin.

Kirk's eyes were distant and dull.  He didn't ask where
Spock was anymore.  The Vulcan had come back to the sickbay
once, the day after his confrontation with Kirk.  He had not
been back since.  McCoy had watched, with a feeling of
despair, as Kirk had sunk deeper and deeper into an eerie
silence.  Now, he went hours with saying nothing at all.
His weight continued to drop and McCoy was using increasing
levels of growth stimulators and immune boosters to keep
pace.  In short, McCoy was losing ground, not gaining, in
his fight to bring Kirk back to health.

McCoy left him sitting up in the chair, and went to look for
the Vulcan.  If Spock was going to kill his Captain, he
might as well do it intentionally, rather than by accident.
The result would be same; Jim was failing and Spock was
failing Jim.

McCoy found Spock on the bridge and went to stand beside him
at the science station.  "I need to talk to you, Spock,
now."

"Doctor, I am engaged in..."

"Now, Spock, I don't give a shit what you're doing.  I want
you to come talk with me, now."  McCoy's glare left no doubt
about his sincerity.  Spock knew without asking what he
wished to speak about.  Spock sighed audibly, an admitted
lapse, but understandable in view of the current situation. 

"Very well, Doctor."  He turned to Lt. Commander Uhura and
gave command to her, before he trailed behind the angrily
rigid figure of Leonard McCoy.  Uhura watched them leave
with an ache of understanding. McCoy led him to a small
conference room and stalked in. Spock followed. McCoy turned
and punched the button, to key the privacy lock..

McCoy erupted.  "What the hell are you up to, Spock?  Are
you trying to kill him?  I can not believe that you are
going to sit by and let him die because he told  you, no."

Spock became instantly rigid.  He wanted nothing more than
to throttle the irritating human.  Then, the content of
McCoy's statement  seeped in: "Kill him," he had said.
"What do you mean kill him?"

"He's dying, slowly, and just as surely.  He is viremic, his
wounds refuse to heal, he's dropping weight, and his immune
system is failing.  We call that dying Spock, and he's
doesn't care.  He doesn't give a hot damn that he's dying,
because he feels like he's finally blown the big one, you.
This is worst than you taking your stupid ass to Gol. This
is murder and I won't stand for it."

Spock sat heavily in the chair behind him.  "I had no
understanding. I was shielding myself completely from him.
I did not know."  His voice was just above a whisper. He
looked up at McCoy and the obvious pain in his face
immediately convinced the Doctor of the Vulcan's
truthfulness.   " I did not know."  Spock repeated
uncharacteristically.  

"Spock, he needs you, badly. You have become the single most
important person in his world and you have left him alone in
physical and emotional pain.  In his mind, you have decided
to leave, and he believes he deserves pain, so he accepts it
all.  He won't even ask for medicine. I have to watch the
dolorimeter  to know, because he won't say a thing. Is that
what you wanted?" The Vulcan shook his head in negation.

"I know you asked him to Bond with you and he refused.  I
know you asked him again in the sickbay, and he refused
again.  "McCoy answered the question he saw in Spock's eyes.
"I was there, in sickbay, when you had your little talk.
Maybe I should've left, but I didn't.  So, I know. I talked
to Jim, at least as much as he allowed.  He feels he's
fighting for your life.  Somewhere, in that convoluted,
complicated, brilliant mind of his, he has convinced himself
that loving him is a death sentence.  I just really figured
this out myself, Spock.  He gives, and gives, and gives, to
show his love, to fulfill his need to connect.  He doesn't
have the foggiest notion how to receive, because no one has
ever stayed around long enough to teach him. "

"My knowledge base is inadequate. I do not know what to do.
My logic does not work for this. Dr. McCoy, I require an
explanation."

"Look, Spock, his father was never there, his mother was
there, but was pulled too many ways.  His grandfather died
in his arms.  It goes on.  Tarsus and his entire family
there being slaughtered: Sam, Captain Garrovick, Gary
Mitchell, Kelso, Edith, Miramanee, and Rayna. Lori left him
out of fear for him and then even she got killed, after she
had already left him. It's like a horrible tri-vid tragedy.
Who in the hell can he feel safe to love?  Me?  Let's face
it, I am an irritable, argumentative, coot who drinks too
much, and I am too full of phobias. He loves me as a friend.
He's the best friend I could ever want, but that's not
enough, Spock, not for a man who feels as deeply as he does.
He wants more out of life; he has found it. He loves you."

"Everybody else in his life, he keeps two body lengths away.
Even the other women he gets involved with recently, are
always picked with the knowledge that either he will leave
or they will leave. Uhura even dumped him." Spock jerked his
head up in surprise. "Yeah, Uhura. I don't think either one
of them realize I know about that one, but Piper told me
before he left.  He wanted me to keep an eye on them.  No
need, they've been saints.  Jim knows how to live with
someone he loves, or has loved, and never touch them again.
He's as good as a Vulcan at controlling himself in that
regard. That, he understands. "

"He's using the last bit of energy he has right now, to hold
on to his decision to spare you.  Dog gone if I know what he
finds attractive in your narrow, pointy-eared, ass. I am not
sure he is attracted to you in that way. Regardless, he
loves you enough to die for you. He's about to prove it to
you with his last breath."

Spock leaned forward and found his hands had covered his
face.  He never could recall doing that before, but he
needed distance.  Emotions were overwhelming him, battering
at him.  There was never anything in his life that he
wanted, needed, ached for as much as his desire to bond with
Kirk.  He realized that it had become a terrible beast that
threatened to rend and tear indiscriminately.  This was the
truth of Vulcan that few ever saw.  This was the essence of
Vulcan that had threatened its very survival, before Surak,
and could still be touched by the lucky, or unlucky few.

He had no skills in this arena.  He had no idea what to do.
He was lost, utterly and completely.  He could no more deny
his need than he could stop breathing.  Kirk's very soul had
become intertwined with his.  It appeared that the situation
was without hope, without possibility of resolution.

"My desire shames me."

"Bullshit, Spock, " McCoy barked. "There is not a damn thing
wrong with loving someone.  It's not your fault his life has
been one major personal trauma after another.  Personally, I
don't know why he isn't stark raving crazy.  Who knows, he
may be and he's just fooling us all.  Whatever keeps him
from being a basket case, one aspect of it is pure
stubbornness.  He won't give in or give up.  So you can
forget making him bond with you.  He'll die first.  Give him
time, Spock.  Now that he knows what you want and he's
admitted to you, and himself, that he loves you; he'll come
around."

"I don't believe you.  He has said no, not maybe, not
someday, only no.  What will waiting do to change, no?"
Spock's voice was hoarse with the effort to control.

"I don't know, Spock. However, if you stay away for much
longer, the issue will be dead and so will Jim. Is that what
you want?"

"Never, I never meant to harm him.  I sought to honor him by
offering him all that I am, or will be.  To a Vulcan, a
voluntary bonding is the purest gift.  He rejected that
offer.  He rejected me because I am unworthy."

"Dammit, Spock, stop it. The cracks in your armor are
showing.  He is not, I repeat, not rejecting you.  He is
trying to protect you, because he values you more than he
has ever valued anything in his life.  Look at his history.
You've seen what he's done for this ship, this crew, for
complete strangers to save them and spare them.  Do you
honestly believe he would do less for you?  You saw in his
head.  You didn't doubt his love in the sickbay, so don't
start now."

"What should I do, Leonard?  I have no skills for this."
Spock bowed his head in surrender.  "I require your
assistance."

McCoy knew the effort it took the Vulcan to admit that.
This particular admission would never be mentioned again, at
least not by McCoy.  McCoy sat down, scooted the chair next
to Spock, and spoke to the top of the Vulcan's head.  "Go to
him, just be there.  Drop the issue of the bond for now.
Just be his friend.  Stop cutting him off.  You've got to
understand that you are his one point of ultimate
vulnerability.  All of his adult life, Starfleet drummed
into him, keep it professional, and keep your distance. They
told him to never let anyone hold his heart hostage, no one.
He bought the company line , because he had to be the best.
Fact, he is the best, Spock, that ever was. Fact, you hold
his heart hostage. Give him time. Life will play out as it
will. You don't want to help cause your own destruction.
Don't stop loving him. Don't stop showing him you do. The
rest will work out."

"Do you really think so, Doctor?"

"There is no science to relationships, so, no, I can't
guarantee a damn thing. It's well worth a try, isn't it?"
        
The head slowly looked up at McCoy. The face revealed a cold
desert night of pain and loneliness. McCoy could read the
war waging behind it. "He is worth it. I will do what I
must, whatever I must do, to insure his survival. Failure is
not an acceptable outcome."

"Okay, good. Get going, then. I'll make sure you have some
privacy. Just remember Spock, in this one area,
single-mindedness is not the solution. Don't mention the
bond."

"I understand, Doctor. If you will excuse me . I must get
prepared. I will be in the sickbay at 1700 hours. If you
could ensure our privacy at that time, that would be
helpful."

"Done." McCoy slapped his thighs and stood up to go. "Spock,
I know this is difficult for you. Thank-you for trying."

"Doctor, there is no reason to thank me. It is a purely
selfish action on my part. I do not wish to lose Jim. I do
not wish to see him hurt or die. Therefore, I will do what I
must, to prevent any and all of these outcomes."

"If you say so, but personally I like to think you do it out
of love." McCoy patted the Vulcan lightly on the shoulder,
and left to go back to check on his patient.

Spock sat quietly in thought for a long while before he also
got up and exited.

At 1700 hours, Kirk had been fed. At least, the nurse and
McCoy had tried. Two bites did not constitute a meal. His
dressings had been changed. A worrisome serosanguinous fluid
continued to seep slowly from the wound. Kirk did not move
as McCoy probed his wounds and changed the dressings. The
silence was deep enough to swim in. McCoy grabbed Kirk's
shoulder and was rewarded with a wan smile that rippled
slowly across Kirk's face.

"I'm going now, Jim. Give a yell if you need me. You know
where the COM is." Kirk nodded, laid his head back, and
closed his eyes . McCoy walked out into the office where
Spock was quietly standing. The Vulcan's eyes were targeted
on the figure seated in the treatment room. McCoy nodded
once, as he noted the case in Spock's hands that held the 3D
chess set. The Doctor took a deep breath, walked into his
personal office to keep his word, and gave them space.

Spock walked in slowly and looked at his Captain, his
T'hy'la, where he lay back against the chair. The human
looked small and fragile. His aura was vulnerable, dull,
blurred to Spock's mind's eye. Spock could smell Kirk's
despair. He could taste Kirk's sense of abandonment.

He went and grabbed a chair and silently sat it in front of
the human. Jim sensing his nearness, cracked his eyes
slightly and looked at him intently.

"I brought the chess set. I thought you might enjoy a game.
We can play kamikaze chess to keep from taxing you."
Kamikaze chess involved using half of the pieces. He and Jim
had invented the game for themselves, for a change of pace.
It had spread throughout Starfleet over the years, from the
crew watching them play.

Kirk nodded once; that seemed to tax him. Spock carefully
sat up the board and began to play. He palmed the white and
black knights under the table and held his hands out for
Jim's choice. Kirk nodded towards his right hand, the black
knight. Spock had first move. They began the match. It was
certainly one of their less skillful games. Both of them
made glaring mistakes, sacrificed pieces unnecessarily,
unwisely. Spock won to the sound of Kirk's painful coughing.
Spock waited worriedly for the spasm to stop. When it
finally did, Kirk fell back exhausted against the chair.

"Jim, should I get Dr. McCoy?"

"No, I'm fine. It's okay."

Spock heard the lie and suddenly fear gripped his belly.
Kirk could die, not with a fight, in a mighty battle, but
after the surrender. These could be their final days, their
final minutes together, sharing what had once been glorious
and was now painfully tarnished.

"Jim." Spock knelt in front of him and took his hand in his.
"You must get well. I can not accept anything less. It is
not like you to stop fighting, to surrender to anything,
even me. Forgive me for pushing you, for asking of you what
you would not give. I will accept your decision. I will
honor your choice. I have no wish to leave or terminate our
friendship. You may strike me if you wish, scream at me, be
angry with me, but please do not fade away."

Kirk opened his mouth to answer. He needed several tries
before sound came out. "Spock, I'm drowning. I've been
pulling you under with me. I'm so sorry, T'hy'la. I never
meant to hurt you."

"I know, Jim." He reached up to wipe the beaded moisture
from Kirk's forehead.

"I don't have anything left to give, Spock. I don't have any
energy left to fight. I'm tired of fighting. I keep battling
up for breath; something grabs me and pulls me under again.
I've been using you for years to keep me afloat. It hasn't
been fair to you. I'm tired of the wars. I want to go home."

"Your home is here."

"Not anymore," he coughed again. His face grimaced in pain.
" Not anymore."

Spock plummeted into a maelstrom of rage and frustration. No
Vulcan disciplines served him. They were left behind; skin
shed by a reptile; the previous home of a hermit crab.

"I'm not leaving, Jim," he hissed. " If you desire death so
intensely, we might as well get comfortable and wait
together. Here, let me pull this chair up, so at least the
good Doctor will not have to find either one of us on the
floor."

"Spock, stop." Kirk pleaded between harsh breaths.

"No, I shall not cease." Spock was angry and his anger freed
his voice. "I do not know you. I see a stranger, a coward,
and a person who is afraid of living. All the years you
befriended me , taught me, stood beside me, were the basest
of lies. You solely wanted control. It is acceptable for you
to give, to be in control of the relationship, but when my
growth empowered me, gave me the ability to give, you desire
death. Then die, James Kirk, and take us both with you. I am
not leaving you."

"Spock, I don't want you to die."

"That is no longer your decision."

"Spock," Kirk leaned forward. The effort made his breathing
harsher and louder. "Please, I don't want you to die." He
grabbed Spock's arm and rested on it. "Please, Spock, I want
you to live."

"James Kirk, we are T'hy'la. Where you go, I go. We will
leave this plane of existence together. The choice is mine
to make."

"No." Kirk began to tremble slightly. Suddenly his eyes
rolled upward to show the pale sclera. The tremors became
convulsion, painful contractions as his body sent him
plummeting towards the floor. He was caught by non-human
arms that picked him up and raced to lay him on the Biobed.
Spock yelled for McCoy. He reinforced the shout with a jab
of the medical alert button. McCoy, Chapel, and two nurses,
were through the door in seconds.

"Oh, shit," McCoy shouted. "Chris, bring the crash cart over
here. His wounds dehisced, he's hemorrhaging again. Spock,
move back." Spock rushed to comply. What the hell happened?"
McCoy's eyes never wavered from Kirk as they all began to
work rapidly over him.

"We were talking. He leaned forward and then he began to
seize."

"What type of seizures?" Chapel asked harshly. 

"Grand Mal, his whole body was convulsing."

"Damn, its probably infectious. Looks like we didn't beat
all those little, nasty, alien microbes, yet. Nurse, get a
wound and blood sample and take them to the biolab, stat.
Chapel, we need to stabilize him before we lose him. Let's
open him back up and get the bleeders." McCoy was on
automatic.

"Spock, you can go sit in the anteroom." He barked out,
expecting to be obeyed. "We'll call you as soon as we can."

Spock backed out, unwilling to leave Kirk's side. He left,
because he knew that he must. McCoy and Chapel waged their
battle silently. They had become a highly skilled and
formidable medical team. They used every last iota of that
skill to beat back the beast that came knocking that night.
When they finally came out, the Vulcan had not moved . He
waited as they fell down into chairs, and tried to pull and
mold their muscles back into a semblance of normalcy. Spock
sat silently and watched them.

McCoy finally turned to him. He looked like a small pox
victim, pocked and streaked with scars. His face cleared
slightly, as he focused. McCoy fought fatigue and tears.
"Spock, I don't know if he's going to make it or not.
Bullets, knives, even phasers are weak enemies compared to
nature's warriors. The wound is infected with a virulent
virus. Now it's everywhere. That's why he seized. We've
isolated the agent and loaded him with a newly synthesized
drug. We wait."

"Perhaps, if I used the Vulcan healing trance on him.."

McCoy  interrupted him before he could get started "You'd
both die. Vulcans do no better with overwhelming viremia
than humans. The healing trance would not work, so don't
even think about it." McCoy warned with a look that told him
not to try.

"Why not put him in cryo-suspension, until we get back. That
would increase your opportunity to search for weaknesses in
the virus." Spock continued to grasp at ideas, hopes.

Chapel answered him. " We thought of that too, but this
little bugger likes cold, a lot. It won't suspend function
at temperatures humans can tolerate in cryo. It's now or
nothing, Spock, no choices left." Chapel sat quietly for a
while . Then she got up abruptly." I need some sleep. Call
me if anything changes, Leonard." 

"Okay , Chris." McCoy yawned, leaned over the table to rest
his head wearily on his hands, for a moment. Then he sat
back up and turned to glance sideways at Spock. "What
happened in there?"

The Vulcan turned away to look in the distance before he was
able to answer. Control, I must have control. "He said he
was too tired to fight anymore. He wanted to go home."

McCoy grunted, not really surprised. "And what did you say?"

Spock turned his gaze on McCoy. for just a second McCoy
could see the Vulcan's love for Kirk as a living creature
sitting between them. Then, it was mist again. "I told him I
would pull a chair up next to him so we could both die and
you would not have to find either one of us on the floor."
The Vulcan paused, " I called him a coward."

McCoy jumped forward in his seat. "Damn, you said that, a
coward , huh?" McCoy pursed his lips and whistled. His lips
were so dry that it sounded more like a distant wind than a
musical note. "You called James Tiberius Kirk, God-slayer,
Admiral at 36, and Captain of the Enterprise, a coward?" The
Vulcan nodded. McCoy leaned his head back and roared with
laughter, that eventually petered out into an audible
wheeze. Spock looked totally lost in the maze of confusing
human emotions. "A coward. Oh, my goodness."

"Doctor McCoy, I fail to see what is causing you so much
amusement. Considering our current..."

"Oh, shut up, Spock. Don't you see? You almost
single-handedly assured Jim's coming out of this alive. You
could've talked about his mother, his height, anything else,
but you called him a coward. You told him you would die,
because he's a coward. Oh shit, Spock, this is rich. Who
would have thought, that by pure Vulcan cussedness, you'd
hit on a perfect strategy."

"I take it you think my lapse will benefit us, somehow?"

"Spocko, if Jim has to kick the grim reaper's ass
single-handedly, with one eye blind and a limp, he'll do it
to keep you alive, and to not be "chicken." Oh, sweet lord,
this is too deep." McCoy chuckled. "Knowing him, when he
wakes up, you're going to be in deep shit. He won't forget,
you know. "A coward," oh my. I gotta go rest, the nurses
will keep a close eye on him. Stay if you want, as if you
needed my suggestion." 

McCoy stood up and looked at the Vulcan in open sympathy,
"Spock, I am really serious when I tell you that what you
did will make him fight for life. You did good. He truly
doesn't want you to die. If he has to save himself to save
you, well, then the battle is on. Go ahead. They put a chair
close like you like it. I took you off duty, for medical
reasons. Ain't shit to do orbiting a planet, and the
Ambassador won't be finished for a few more days, yet. Go
ahead; get comfortable; it's going to be a long night."

The Doctor was correct. It was a very long night for the
Vulcan. He experienced each nanosecond as a minute, each
minute as an hour, each hour as a solar week. Ten years
later, Spock came out of his meditative state, his place of
retreat, to the sensation of a hand softly resting on his
head. He looked up to see Jim watching him, with a small
smile on  his face. Kirk croaked out, across desert dry
lips, "I want you to live, Spock. " Then, Kirk closed his
eyes and slept. The Vulcan's eyes began to glow softly in
triumph.

Two days later, Spock came to McCoy with an unusual request,
which McCoy granted. The Vulcan bundled his Captain into a
blanket and had the corridors cleared. Kirk was still too
weak to stand, but he was recovering. Spock lifted his
Captain, and began to walk, with his much too light,
package. The three of them went through the empty corridors
to engineering.

The Vulcan refused to tell his captain where they were
going. Unable to do anything else, Kirk relaxed and waited.
Spock took him to the nearest pressure lock on the outer
hull of the ship. They dressed him in an EVA suit and Spock
got dressed in his. Spock carried Kirk to the lock and
entered with his suited burden. He pounded the sequence to
cycle the opening code. The door to the ship closed on a
smiling and silent McCoy. After the cycle finished, the
outside door opened on space.

Spock pulled a now weightless Kirk out onto the ship's outer
skin and carried him across it to his goal. He sat him down
on the skin and magnetically locked him to the surface. Then
he sat down beside Kirk. They were no longer circling
McCoy's "wart of a planet." Spock had ordered the ship to
the nearest celestial light show. It was an aurora of
cascading lights and whirling matter, that sparkled its
brilliance and sung its song across the void. The ship was
still. Its hum was on low ebb, to allow its Captain to sit
upon it and draw into himself the stuff of Space. His ship
had stopped to feed him diamond stars, and crystal lights.

On the bridge, Scotty, Uhura, Sulu, and Chekov all watched
the viewscreen. It showed their Captain and their First
Officer watching the stars. A lone tear ran down Nyota's
cheek. She let it trail its way down, without shame or
regret.

Jim's suit shook a little, as it's recyclers kicked in, to
evaporate the extra moisture he added to the ecosystem of
his suit. The suit could use even those moisture laden tears
to sustain life. "Thank you, Spock." He whispered for Vulcan
ears.

"Thank-you's are illogical, T'hy'la. Welcome home."

Kirk fell asleep in his suit, as he rode the back of his
ship, next to his T'hy'la, and listened to the song of the
stars. He was home.

10


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