Title: Killing Me Softly
Author/pseudonym: JadeRyan
Email address: jaderyan@geocities.com
Rating: PG
Pairings: J/B
Status: Complete
Date: 9-11-98
Archive:Yes to both Merry and Michelle
Archive author: JadeRyan
Archive email address: jaderyan@geocities.com
Series/Sequel: who knows (depends on feedback and my general mood)
Other website: https://members.tripod.com/~JadeRyan
Disclaimers:
They belong to Pet Fly. They don’t belong to me. I’m just borrowing them for a bit. I promise to
return them in better condition then they were in when I got them.
Lyrics are from Roberta Flack….song’s not mine…..yadda, yadda
Notes:
I blame this totally on Francesca. If she hadn’t written her Tahiti PWP, then I wouldn’t have had to
send her a LoC and I wouldn’t have had this song run through my head and then the boys wouldn’t
have started yammering at me. See, it’s not my fault. **G**
This hasn’t been beta’d so any goofs are mine….ran it through a standard spell check but that’s it.
all song lyrics are between the //
Summary: Jim realizes some fundamental truths in his life.
Warnings:….um….none..I think.
======
He looked over at his partner. Blair was already grinning like he knew some great cosmic secret but
wasn’t going to share. Jim wondered again why he had agreed to come with Blair to see one of his
fellow TA’s sing. The bar they were at was dark, gloomy, and full of people. Not exactly how
Jim had planned to spend his night off. Blair caught him looking at him and smiled, raising his
eyebrows at the same time.
"Pretty cool, huh?"
"If you say so, Chief. So what’s with you and this girl?"
"Nothing, man. I swear. She’s just a friend from the U. She asked me to be here. I guess it’s for
moral support. I can’t wait to hear her."
Jim was saved from further comment by the band arriving on stage. He looked over and saw a
group of four men and one woman, all dressed like a band of refugee’s from a mutated grunge
convention. The girl wasn’t bad. Looked to be about twenty-one with short red hair, with purple
lipstick on. She smiled and waved to the crowd of noisy patrons.
"Hey! How y’all doin tonight?" she asked with slow Southern drawl. "My name is Raina and
these goofballs are my band. Well, actually they are just a group of guys that happen to make me
sound better then average. But don’t let them get to cocky about it, a’ight? This is my first public
appearance, so be kind." She laughed a bit nervously. "Okay this first song is an oldie, from
Roberta Flack that my momma used to play in the car every Sunday evening on the way home from
church. I know, I know. Momma always was a bit unconventional."
She stepped back a few steps and let her bandmates begin the song. She raised her hand to hold
the mic and began to sing in a clear, low voice.
//I heard he sang a good song
I heard he had a style
And so I came to see him
To listen for a while
And there he was this young boy
A stranger to my eyes//
Jim glanced over at Blair who was listening to her as though he were already in a trance. Jim
couldn’t help but think that this song fit. Somehow. And what was with this feeling he had? All
of a sudden it felt as though this was a story of his life. He couldn’t figure it out.
//Strumming my pain with his fingers
Singing my life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly with his song
Telling my whole life with his words
Killing me softly with his song//
Jim felt like someone had punched him in the gut. He had heard this song before and it had never
had this effect on him. He got it now. It was Blair. This was how he felt when he looked, really
looked at his Guide. What the hell did this mean?
//I felt all flushed with fever
Embarrassed by the crowd
I felt he found my letters
And read each one out loud
I prayed that he would finish
But he just kept right on//
Blair never let him get away with much. Not a whole lot of denial allowed whenever he was
around. Oh sure, it was never for a lack of trying on Jim’s part. But eventually Blair managed to
coax the whole story out of him. Occasionally, Jim wished for his Pre-Blair life back, when he
could just ignore all the unpleasant things in him life. And then he realized how alone he had been.
That this unbelievably ornery, and frequently annoying, neo-hippie witch doctor punk had somehow
brought some meaning into his life. And, yes, he had brought happiness too.
//Strumming my pain with his fingers
Singing my life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly with his song
Telling my whole life with his words
Killing me softly with his song//
==
Blair was amazed. He hadn’t known that Raina was that good. And the song was beautiful. He
over at Jim, who seemed to be staring at him from under hooded lids. Blair waved a hand in front
of Jim’s face.
"Hey…Jim? Earth to Jim?" No response. Blair felt his stress levels rise just a bit. Zone?
"Jim. Hey come on, big guy. This is so not the place for this."
"Relax, Sandburg. I was just thinking."
"Well do me a favor, next time you want to search for the meaning of life, at least answer a guy
when he’s talking to you."
"Sorry about that, Chief. Guess I kind of got lost in that song."
Blair looked at his partner speculatively. Maybe Jim was just enjoying the music. Blair couldn’t
shake the feeling that there was something more. He stared harder at Jim, trying to fathom the older
man’s thoughts. Seeing nothing he could put his finger on, he gave up. For now.
"Yeah, isn’t she great. I had no idea she was this good. And that song. It sent shivers up my
spine. I wonder why she picked that song. Maybe someone she knew."
"Maybe."
"Jim, are you sure you are okay?" the Guide’s voice had the barest hint of concern.
Jim smiled at Blair. "I’m fine, Chief. Now be quiet so we can listen to the rest of the set."
==
Blair couldn’t help but fidget the whole way home. Something was up. Jim hadn’t said more then
two words to him the entire way home. And he kept looking at him strangely. Not that Blair
minded the attention. He just wished that if Jim was going to be staring at him that he not do it as
though Blair might have a wad of spinach stuck in his teeth. He shrugged to himself. He had come
to realize that there were just some things that he couldn’t reach Jim on. Obviously this was one of
those things.
They finally arrived at the loft and Blair jumped out of the truck. This was getting just to weird for
him. He hated when he felt like he couldn’t reach his partner.
They rode the elevator in silence. Blair was dying. Or at least he thought so. This not knowing
what was going on was making him a bit nuts. The doors opened and they walked towards the
front door, with Blair digging out his keys.
Jim stood behind him, watching. He had been doing that for the past two hours. And he knew
that it was getting on his Guide’s nerves, but he couldn’t help it. He was beginning to realize some
fundamental truths in his life, the majority of which were centered around Blair. Realizing these
truths didn’t make his life any easier and he wondered how long he would be able to hold off his
friend’s questioning.
It turned out to be about half an hour. Blair had excused himself to take a shower and change. Jim
used the time to get a beer out of the fridge and stand out on the balcony to collect his random
thoughts. Somewhere along the line, he had fallen in love with his partner. Didn’t know how,
didn’t really care at this point. The fact that he had was strange concept for him to deal with. He
had always thought that he was a "Man." A big, bad cop. Certainly not the kind of guy who falls
head over heels in love with his very male partner/roommate. But the fact that he had, meant that
Jim wasn’t what Carolyn had said he was. Cold, unfeeling. He was capable of love. It just
hadn’t been with her. He had an idea of what the ramifications would be if he told Blair what he
felt. And on the off chance that Blair returned the feelings, what they would have to go through at
work and in life in general. Would it be worth it? He sighed. That was a no-brainer. Of course
it would be worth it. If Blair returned his feelings. And if he didn’t. Jim just hoped that Blair
would still be able to accept Jim as his friend.
He didn’t hear Blair get out of the shower. Or get dressed. Or walk out to join him on the
balcony. He did, however, hear him once he started to talk nonstop at Jim.
"Okay this is it. Either you tell me what is going on here or I’ll… well I don’t know. I can’t
believe this. We go and spend what I thought was an enjoyable evening and then you pull this
strong silent crap on me and won’t tell me what is going on. Dammit Jim, I am supposed to be
your friend. And your Guide. How the hell am I supposed to help you if you won’t let me in on
what is going on?"
Jim tried not to smile at his exasperated partner. "Calm down, Sandburg. There is nothing going
on. Nothing is wrong. I’ve just been thinking about some things."
"What things?"
Jim sighed. He knew that he had to tell him. And face the consequences. "About us."
"Us?"
"I realized tonight that Carolyn was wrong about me."
"Jim, come on. Carolyn was wrong about a lot of things. This shouldn’t be news to you."
"Thanks for the vote of confidence, Chief. But what I meant was she was wrong when she told me
that I was incapable of loving anyone." He looked over at Blair to see his reaction. For a split
second he thought he saw a look of pain settle behind the blue eyes. But then it was gone.
"You think you have found Ms. Right?" Blair asked, keeping his voice as neutral as he could.
"Not exactly. It’s not Ms. Right. It’s Mr. Right."
"What?" Blair looked as thought he had just been banged upside the head with a cast iron skillet.
"I realized tonight that I am in love. I don’t know how or why or when…."
Blair couldn’t hear anything else. Jim was in love. With a guy. But not him. He never got the
courage to tell him how he felt and now it was too late.
Jim shook his shoulder. "Chief?"
"Hmm? I’m sorry Jim. I didn’t hear what you were saying."
"I said that somewhere along the line I feel hard for this wonderful, endearing, annoying, sexy,
beautiful, intelligent grad student who managed to turn a week stay into a three year partnership and
gave my life away from the office some meaning."
Blair nodded silently, the words not registering. Then they did. "What? What did you say?"
"I’m trying to tell you that I love you, Chief. That I am in love with you. You don’t seem to be all
that interested in hearing this. If I have upset you, I’m …."
Blair quickly placed a finger over Jim’s lips. "Two things, Ellison. One, I love you too, so quit
with this attempt at an apology. Two, if you don’t get over here and kiss me, I will have no other
choice but to throw you off this damn balcony. Got it?"
"Got it." Jim leaned in and cupped Blair’s face with his hands. He knew that if he were
dreaming, that this was the dream to end all and he could very well die a fairly happy man. Blair
had said that he loved him. He bent down and touched Blair’s lips with his own. And for the
slimmest shred of time, the world stopped, tilted, and then resumed spinning. And he went along
for the ride, tasting his partners lips. In the back of his mind a voice marveled at the fact that there
must be a God somewhere and miracles of miracle, he was in a good mood.
After they both came up for air, Jim looked over at Blair and smiled.
"You really think you can get me over the top of this balcony, eh Chief?"
"Sweetheart, properly motivated, I can make the earth stop spinning."
"Sweetheart? I think I can handle that one. You know what else? You already did."
//He sang as if he knew me
In all my dark despair
And then he looked right through me
As if I wasn’t there
But he was there this stranger
Singing clear and strong
Strumming my pain with his fingers
Singing my life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly with his song
Telling my whole life with his words
Killing me softly with his song//
==
that's it kids.....feedback is craved.
JadeRyan
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