Passionate kiss like spiderweb leads to undoing of fly.

It takes many nails to make a crib but only one screw to fill it.

I LOVE THE USA

Only in America...can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House.

Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...

Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...

Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions.

Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...

Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...

Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless junk in the garage...

Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures"...

Only in America do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering!

Only in America can you add a click to your silent computer keyboard so you feel like you are typing on an old typewriter.

A GIFT FOR HIS SWEETHEART

A young man wished to buy a pair of gloves for his sweetheart’s birthday. So he went to an expensive boutique, bought the finest gloves available, and asked the saleswoman to have them delivered with a note. While wrapping the gloves, a clerk accidentally mixed up the order and sent a pair of panties instead. Here’s the note the young man wrote to his sweetheart.

Darling, I choose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing when we go out in the evening. I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but because your sister wears the short ones that are easy to remove, I decided to get the same style for you. Although these are a delicate shade, the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been wearing for three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on for me and she really looked smart. I wish I could be there to put them on for you for the first time. No doubt, many other hands will touch them before I see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. And be sure to keep them on while cleaning them so they don’t shrink. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year! I hope you like them and will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love. Hollingsworth PS. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

THE BABY PHOTOGRAPHER:

The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the government plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant through the first five years of her marriage may request the service of a proxy father - a government employee who attempts to solve the couple's problem by impregnating the wife.

The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The government man should be here soon." Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the bell

Mrs. Smith: "Good morning."

Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to..."

Mrs. Smith: "No need to explain, I've been expecting you."

Salesman: "Really? Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies, especially twins."

Mrs. Smith: "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

Salesman: (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?"

Mrs. Smith: "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree that this is the right thing to do."

Salesman: "Well, perhaps we should get down to it."

Mrs. Smith: (Blushing) "Just where do we start?"

Salesman: "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor allows the subject to really spread out."

Mrs. Smith: "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked for Harry and I."

Salesman: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time, but if we try several locations and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results. In fact, my business card says, I aim to please.'"

Mrs. Smith: "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?"

Salesman: "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that."

Mrs. Smith: "Don't I know! Have you had much success at this?"

Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) "Just look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown London."

Mrs. Smith: "Oh, my!!"

Salesman: "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

Mrs. Smith: "She was?"

Salesman: "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde Park to get the job done right. I've never worked under such impossible conditions. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

Mrs. Smith: "Four and five deep?"

Salesman: "Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got so excited she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling at the crowd. I couldn't concentrate. I'm afraid I had to ask a couple of men to restrain her. By that time darkness was approaching and I began to rush my shots. When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in.

Mrs. Smith: "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh.., equipment?"

Salesman: "That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I consider my work a pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my technique. Now take this baby, I shot this one in the front window of a big department store."

Mrs. Smith: "I just can't believe it."

Salesman: "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

Mrs. Smith: "TRIPOD?!?"

Salesman: "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm shooting. Mrs. Smith?... Mrs. Smith?... My word, she's fainted."

COMPARATIVE GUIDE TO WORLD RELIGIONS

AGNOSTICISM .............................MAYBE SHIT HAPPENS, AND MAYBE IT DOESN'T.
ATHEISM .......................................THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS SHIT.
BLACKISM ....................................MOTHERFUCK ALL THIS SHIT.
BUDDHISM ....................................IF SHIT HAPPENS, IT ISN'T REALLY SHIT.
CALVINISM ...................................SHIT HAPPENS BECAUSE YOU DON'T WORK HARD ENOUGH.
CATHOLICISM ..............................IF SHIT HAPPENS, I DESERVE IT.
CHRISTIAN SCIENCE ...................SHIT IS ONLY IN YOUR MIND.
CONFUCIANISM ...........................CONFUCIUS SAID: SHIT HAPPENS.
EXISTENTIALISM ..........................WHAT IS SHIT, ANYWAY?
HARE KRISHNA .............................SHIT HAPPENS, RAMA RAMA.
HEDONISM .....................................THERE ISN'T ANYTHING LIKE A GOOD SHIT HAPPENING.
HINDUISM ......................................THIS SHIT HAPPENED BEFORE.
ISLAM ..............................................IF SHIT HAPPENS, IT IS THE WILL OF ALLAH.
JEHOVAH'S WITNESS ...................KNOCK, KNOCK "SHIT HAPPENS".
JUDAISM .........................................WHY DOES SHIT ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME?
MOONIES ........................................ONLY HAPPY SHIT HAPPENS.
MORMON ........................................THIS SHIT IS GOING TO HAPPEN AGAIN.
PROTESTANTISM ...........................LET THIS SHIT HAPPEN TO SOMEONE ELSE.
RASTAFARIANISM .........................LET'S SMOKE THIS SHIT.
SEVENTH DAY ADVENTIST ..........NO SHIT ON SATURDAYS.
STOICISM .........................................THIS SHIT IS GOOD FOR ME.
TAOISM .............................................SHIT HAPPENS.
TELEVANGELISM ............................SEND MONEY OR SHIT WILL HAPPEN TO YOU.
ZEN ....................................................WHAT IS THE SOUND OF SHIT HAPPENING? ************************************************************************************************