BAD Personal Ads, A Collection…

Excerpted from the book "A Collection of Personal Ads From Alternative Newspapers," by Skippy Williams and Zohre Crumpton, 1996, Simon and Schuster.

Bitter, unsuccessful middle aged loser wallowing in an unending sea of inert, drooping loneliness looking for 24 year old needy leech-like hanger-on to abuse with dull stories, tired sex and Herb Alpert albums.

Me -- trying to sleep on the bus station bench, pleading with you to give me a cigarette; you --choking on my odor, tripping over your purse trying to get away; at the last moment, our eyes meeting. Yours were blue. Can I have a dollar?

Imp and angel. Disembodied head in jar, 24, seeks pixie goddess to fiddle with while Rome burns. You bring marshmallows. No. I make joke. You like laugh? I like comebacks and confessions. Send photo of someone else.

I am spitting kitty. Ftt Fttttttt. I am angry bear. Grrrrr. I am large watermelon seed stuck in your nose. Zermmmmmmmmmm. I am small biting spider in your underwear. Yub yub yub. No mimes.

Three toed mango peeler searching for wicked lesbian infielder. Like screaming and marking territory with urine? Let's make banana enchiladas together in my bathtub. You bring the salsa.

Mongoloid spastic underwear model with extra limb (you guess where?) in search of bottlenosed dolphin and extra prickly cactus juice. Soup is good food.

I like eating mayonnaise and peanut butter sandwiches in the rain, watching Barney Miller reruns, peeing on birds in the park and licking strangers on the subway; you eat beets raw, have climbed Kilimanjaro, and sweat freely and often. Must wear size five shoes.

Timber! Falling downward is the lumber of my love. You grind your axe of passion into my endangered headlands. Don't make me into a bureau. I want to be lots and lots of toothpicks.

Small lumpy squid monkey seeks healthy woman with no identifying scars, any age. Must have all limbs. Recommend appreciation of high-pitched, screeching noises. Must like being bored and lonely. Must not touch the squids, EVER.

There is a little place in the jumbled sock drawer of my heart where you match up all the pairs, throw out the ones with holes in them, and buy me some of those neat dressy ones with the weird black and red geometrical designs on them.

Mmmm Pez! Rabid Wonder Woman fan looking for someone in satin tights, fighting for our rights and the old red, white 'n blue. You look like Linda Carter? Big plus. Know all words to theme song? Marry me.

Sanctimonious mordacious raconteur seeking same for hijinks and hiballs. SJM 27 wants to look someone in the eye so don't be tall. Or, if you can't help it, enjoy laying down. Wanna swim upstream?

Remember that summer you spent with your parents in Hawaii and how mad you were that they made you go? And how you were hopelessly bored until you saw the most gorgeous man you'd ever encountered strolling down the beach looking at you, skillfully removing your skimpy bikini with his piercing eyes? And how you spent the last month imagining him taking you in every possible way, masturbating feverishly day and night, wishing he would reappear, but he never did because you were 15 and he would have gone to jail? That was me, and you just turned 18.

Angry, simple-minded, balding, partially blind ex-circus flipper boy with a passion for covering lovers in sour cream and gravy seeks exotic, heavily tattooed piercing fanatic, preferably hairy, either sex, for whippings, bizarre sex and fashion consulting. No freaks.

Or from the LA Free Press...circa the early '70s:

AC/DC, bi, S&M, B&D, French & Greek culture, TV, water sports, leather, rubber, animal lover. No freaks please.
This bunch is from the Sacramento News and Review, summer of '98. I used to read these in class and drive my neighbor and prof nuts…

(First is the "I'm a loser, baby" section. We're bored or unstudly, and proud of it)

What's Wrong With . . . this picture? It's Friday evening and I'm watching Kirby vacuum cleaner sales reps shampoo my carpet. Single GWF, 40-something, needs rescuing from door-to-door salespersons!

Bald! Glasses! 46! Insecure, unprofessional, GWM, WLTM, GM, 40-60, any race, for friendship/relationship. I'm all the above and more.

(Same Page Comparisons)

Searching for Don Juan SWF, mid-30's, brunette/green, intense, sensual, compassionate, spiritual, attractive, professional, seeking charming, dynamic, professional SW/HM, 30-45, for conversation, good times, and naturally flowing connection.

No More Don Juans or Casanova's! Attractive, 5'8/130, brunette, with big blue eyes, well-educated, sincere,fin, WLTM attractive WM, 29-35, with same qualities, not into head games.

(My guess here is that Girl #1 oughta get talked to by Girl #2 about the perils of ladies' men.)

Tinkerbell Seeks mature Peter Pan, responsible yet playful. Vibrant, sweet, assertive, pretty professional SWF, 37, seeks educated, witty, fun, romantic, professional, SWM, 32-42, for fantastic flight. Ring my bell for magical LTR.

Tinkerbell Seeking Hook Tired of unfaithful Peters. 45, 5'2/115, auburn brown-wide eyes IMP. Ready for the Hook. Save me! I still believe. Lost Boys need not apply.

(Interesting writing)

Capricorn Sun Cancer moon, Pieces Rising, A+ blood type, 12-30-1963 11 am, yet astrologically skeptical. Convince me. Open-minded, well traveled professional, white, with sexy voice.

(Now starts the section I like to call, "If You're REALLY That Good-Lookin', Then Why Do You Need To Do An Ad?")

(Lip men)

Ultimate French . . . kisser, seeking flaming female who would like to experience the ultimate french kiss by a very talented French Latino, cool, 30's, you imaginative, sensual with hot lips for flaming kisses.

Kissable! Unshaven! Female lips are what I seek. SWM 24, Speedo swimsuit contest winner, the world's best 24-hr kisser seeks SWF 18 and over, for kisses.

Gorgeous Kisser extremely gorgeous SWM, 24, perfect masculine body, irresistable, perfect kisser, seeks SWF 18-23, who loves to kiss and be kissed cause girls are for kissing.

Exotic Dancer SWM, 24, new to the area, 6'0/177, good looking, with an extremely prodigious masculinity, brown/blue, great 24 hour kisser, WLTM, SWF, 18-25, intelligent, pretty, in shape, adventurous, sweet. Enjoys Passionate and intimate movies, and fun times.

(More hunks)

Not Fat, Ugly, Or Bald. Attractive fit, SWM. Open minded with many interests WLTM petite, active, attractive, and fun female with a life.

Very Handsome Masseur SWM, extremely healthy, in perfect shape, 6'/175, lean and muscular, 24, recent graduate of massage school currently seeking SWF, 18+ for conversation, friendship, and possible massage for practice.

I Won! I Won! I Won! I recently won the wet underwear contest at Pussy Galore's Ladies Club in Dallas, TX. Now just arrived here in Sacramento, gorgeous SWM 24, baby blue eyes WLTM SWF 18-27 to please show me around town.

(Kinkies)

I'm A Little Red Rooster and the barnyard feels empty without you. To get this athletic, good humored, professional rooster strutting and crowing again, he needs to connect with an attractive Asian, Hispanic or exotic hen, 35-45, that likes her feathers tickled and enjoys life. Hens into ruffling feathers or henpecking need not apply. Cock-a-doodle-doo!

Hot Dog Looking For A Bun 20yo, MWM, good looking, looks better naked, 5'11, fit, brown/green, WLTM fast, fun, and furious, SF, 18+, who also looks great naked for kinky, erotic sex.

(Next, the guy with a sense of humor)

SHM 29, 5'10, likes short skirts and tight tops. Just making a bad joke.
(The weirdo who sounds normal and gets twisted-ish as things go on)

Nice Single White Male but not boring, can be professional and courteous, prefers to be damn wierd seeks emotional honest woman with her own style. Cause dude I would totally boink Jane Goodall.

(That dude line did it for me. I wonder if he's gotten any calls?)

(The honest guys)

I'm A Total Slob but I shower everyday. I make decent money, but I've got bills. I'm cute but I need to lose weight. Cynical non-materialistic, mellow man seeks calm, attractive counterpart.
(An ad that cracked me up when compared to the rest)

Can't Hardly Wait I may not be as perfect as the other ads think they are, but I am a nice guy who knows how to treat a woman.
(Now here are a few I've got comments to add to)

Virgo Men Clean as a cat. Curls up with book. Purrs over arts and milk not malt. Has princely manners. Be generous, declawed, chatty individual.
(Those who hate cats need not apply, I see. I think she's hinting that she has a cat (or several of 'em), what do you think?)

Rock "N" Roll Attractive Free Bird, late 20's professional. Wants To Hold Your Hand, searching for a Pretty Woman, with a Heart Of Gold. Can you Light My Fire? No Spice Girls need apply. Wish You Where Here.
(And my guess is you like music . . . )

Happy, Joyless and Free SWM, 50, 6'/190, smoker, financially self-sufficient, alcohol and drug free, loves his motorcycle and parrot. WLTM you (S/DWF) if you are 21-44, slim, easy going, unemployed and needing a LTR.
(Happy yet joyless? Huh?)

Tattooed And Pierced But not into "punker than thou" attitude. SWF, 24, college graduate, tragically cute, into music, art, and anything outdoors. Seeking similar SWM 22-28, for friendship first.
(Tragically cute? What's that?)

I Believe SWM believes women make the rules that are always subject to change, women are never wrong and can change their minds anytime. Men must be passive when women are upset, angry or agressive.
(Wow, aren't we trying to suck up here? Is this guy into The Rules? Does he have any personality of his own, or is he into domination? Okay, okay . . . but I find it hard to believe a GUY would actually say that.)

(This section I'll call Hot Chicks)

Kim Bassinger Look-A-Like 50 but looks 39 forever. (How???) Seeking star quality Cruise/DiCaprio/Damon look-a-like (Like the rest of us! Good luck!), (late 30's to early 50's) to share lots of lovin' fun, and creative career moves!

Pretty Woman Looking For Her Richard Gere (Okay, I think this one is looking for trouble/a john right there!) My true ambition is to take care of my man. I'm SWF, sexy, have no children, and ready to spoil you.

Morticia Seeks Gomez DWF, 27, artist, cynical, atheist, searching for light at the end of the tunnel. WLTM intelligent, easy on the eyes, psychosis-free men. (Good luck!) must be Wednesday and Pugsley friendly.

(Gee, I wonder how Wednesday and Pugsley would have treated a stepfather?)

Barbie, Not! 38-year-old DWF into country living, the arts, WLTM 35-45-year-old S/DWM. I'm not Barbie, but oh so fun to play with. If interested in the real thing, not plastic, call me.

I'm Hungry For You Ms. McGregor looking for Peter Rabbit, waiting for you to crawl under my gate and play in my garden, eat until we're both full. Where are you Peter, Peter Pumpkin Eater

(She's mixing her tales. Or maybe it's tails?)

(The guys, however, can only be described as horny.)

Mr. Wonderful Gorgeous, SWM, 30, with Sagan's brilliance, Trump's wealth, Dalai Lama's patience, Mother Teresa's compassion, Lincoln's humility, Billy Crystal's wit. Slightly prone to exaggeration.

(Good one!)

Diet Coke Construction Worker 35, 6'1/195, very nice looking, great shape. Love: dining out, water skiing, travel, dance, and Harley rides. Seeking classy lady for LTR.

(Reminds me at the end of a Cynthia Heimel quote-"When women hear a guy say, "I want a terrific lady," we know we're dealing with someone with a different frame of reference and we talk slower.")

Bronzed All Over I'm the one laying out at Folsom Lake in the bulging, yellow, spandex Speedos, black females wanting to see more, please respond.

(Wow. Bulging. Sure, but did you win a contest?)

Life's A Hard Grind But when you're so popular with the ladies, it's fun! I guess that's why they nicknamed me "Popular Penis!" SWM, 23, awesomely handsome, seeks adventurous, open-minded, fun times with SWF, 18-25.

And a later edition...a few personals taken from the print edition of the London Review of Books:

Illiterate old bastard with not a single book in sight seeks someone to read poetry and wash away the interminable cynicism that comes with reading this magazine. Must harbor profound hatred of Tuscany.

Insensitive 47-year-old lounge lizard (male), seeks woman with energy to suffer periods of self-indulgence. Offers in return good sangria and complete lack of interest in sport.

Shy, ugly man, fond of extended periods of self-pity, middle-aged, flatulent and overweight, seeks the impossible.

I do believe that that one's my very favorite. =)