Confessions of a bike rebel

I've got something terrible to tell you Davis guys. If you're standing up while reading the paper, you'd better sit down. Heck, you'd better LIE down for this one, because it's the worst thing you'll ever hear of in Davis, California. It may be worse than cow tipping, or driving over toads. If you don't feel well today, maybe you shouldn't read this column at all, you could go over the edge. Pregnant women and those with heart problems definitely shouldn't read on.

I did not bring a bike up here.
Are you okay? Feeling any better now?
Don't bother to check your watch, I can tell you what happened. You've been staring into space for fifteen minutes, thinking Can it be . . . no, it can't possibly, not in Davis! We SHOOT people who don't have bikes in Davis! I can't believe it! I won't! Well, believe it, because I'm going to say it again. I did NOT bring a bike up to Davis.
You all right again?
I've lived here for over a year, long enough to realize that telling this information to locals is akin to telling people living in any other town that you murdered twenty-seven people and hid the corpses under your bed. Yesterday. Mouths drop open, hearts pound, and they start asking you questions like "How do you survive?" and "Are you insane?"

To answer question one, there's such a thing known as a bus. Maybe you've seen them, those big red things that cruise around town? There are things like cars, skateboards, scooters, Rollerblades, and oh, I forgot, feet. I've seen people using all of these things to get around here. But does any of that really get mentioned in Davis? Nooooo. Anyone who moves to this town MUST have and use a bike constantly or they throw you out of school, everyone told me as soon as I said what school I was going to. Well, I'm still here, so I guess they all were lying.

And to answer question two, duh!

For the record, I do HAVE a bike. It's an ugly puke green one I despise (the better to be stolen, I guess), but I've got one. And when I got into this school, I did attempt to get a cheap bike and was planning to actually use it. I hadn't rode one since I was seven, and I didn't like it much then. All my friends and the children's parks lived within a block or two of my house, and my mom drove me to school every day, since we lived in the boonies. I didn't need a bike to get anywhere, so I quit it

Problem is, I still don't like bike riding. I'm not too fond of most wheeled vehicles, actually (but that's another column). I'm not too fond of wedgies and bugs flying in my face. I don't like playing slip n' slide in the rain. I don't like having to wear a helmet wherever I go, and I'm not stupid enough to go without one (not the way I negotiate traffic, anyway). Nor do I like having to avoid wearing any clothes that would cause accidents (I love that kinda stuff).

But this is Davis. You must have a bike. You will die without a bike. You will be assimilated!

And there was only me on the side of the opposition, whining, "But I don't wanna . . . " Then I thought, "Why the hell should I do what everyone else is doing?"
It's so high school-ish to do what everyone else is doing all the time. The whole jumping-off-a-cliff analogy we've all heard. And besides that, it just annoys the hell out of people when you don't act like they do. That's so much fun!

I consider it a challenge to go each day without caving in to the bike mania. And it'll surprise you when I say that it's not as bad as most people think it is. Sure, you leave to go to places a bit earlier than you would on a bike, but really, all I'm losing is a few more minutes of staring at the television (and I do enough of that anyway). The only time I wished I had a bike was when I unexpectedly had to drop something off and I had an hour to do it before leaving town. And I still made it (albeit rather out-of-breath).

In a way, living the bikeless life is less of a hassle. No need to worry about it being stolen. And if I were a guy, I wouldn't have to worry about impotence!