Fat Ol' Quote File, Part 2

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.-Rita Rudner
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.-Mae West
If it weren't for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers.-Anonymous
Maybe the Smug Marrieds only mix with other Smug Marrieds and don't known how to relate to individuals any more. Maybe they really do want to patronize us and make us feel like failed human beings. Or maybe they are in such a sexual rut they're thinking, "There's a whole other world out there," and hoping for vicarious thrills by getting us to tell them the roller-coaster details of our sex lives. -Bridget Jones
I think most people carry around this litlte portrait in their head: where they'll live and with whom and how many kids. And you have to fill in the blank male face before you can do the rest of the drawing. So, it's supposed to be about this love connection, this profoundly mystical union, when really all you're very eager to do is fill in the face. -Jane Reilly

How come nobody writes self-help books for men? Like Why Do I Think I'm Nothing Without a Porsche?; Smart Man, Foolish Penis; Everything You Always Wanted to Know About C*MM*TM*NT But Were Afraid to Ask? -Margo Kaufman
Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men.-Joseph Conrad
First of all, let go of the ideal of the "normal" man. Ain't no such cat, kid. -Breakup Girl
The main difference between men and women is that men are lunatics and women are idiots.-Rebecca West
Just take comfort in the fact that the day one man understands one woman that the sky will fall, hell will freeze over, and watch out for those 4 guys on horseback! -Jeff Collins
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy. -M. Von Stein.
Everything women do to attract men is strange. -E. Jean Carroll
When women hear a guy say "I want a terrific lady," we know we're dealing with someone with a different frame of reference and we talk slower. -Cynthia Heimel
Difficult men are considered cool, romantic, interesting. Difficult women are considered deranged , sicko, neurotic nymphos. -Cynthia Heimel

Anybody who messes with me had better be prepared to carry his ass home in a bucket.-Florence King

I have the mind of a steel trap. Of course very few things in the world-and I include the Home Shopping Network in this statement-are as stupid as a steel trap. -Dave Barry

If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gives it to.-American proverb
The easiest way for your children to learn about money is for you not to have any.-Katherin Whitehour
Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be surprised at how little you have.-Ernest Haskins
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.-Jackie Mason
I'm tired of love, I'm still more tired of rhyme, but money gives me pleasure all the time.-Hilaire Belloc

He is King Moron in a building full of morons. -Lizzie

A mother should never teach her daughter to do anything.-Jennifer Rutherford

Mothers are all slightly insane. -Holden Caulfield

I know for a fact it's much more fun going out to work, getting all dressed up, flirting in the office and having nice lunches than going to the bloody supermarket and picking Harry up from playgroup.-Magda, Bridget Jones's Diary.

My niece was wriggling around, the way little kids do, all excited, telling a story, and my goddamned mother says, "Now couldn't we sit quietly, like a lady?" She did that to me when I was a kid! That's why I'm nuts! -Marsha

Murphy's Law There are certain basic principles of the universe I swear by. Hair always looks perfect the day before it's due to be cut. You meet the man of your erotic dreams as soon as you go off the Pill. -Margo Kaufman

Out in my garden the sun is shining, the flowers are preening, a bunch of blue jays are gangsta rapping. -Cynthia Heimel
Nature is not a feminist. -Cynthia Heimel
But nature doesn't care about women, nature only cares about the perpetuation of the species. Nature is a bitch. -Cynthia Heimel

I was a nerd, which is okay if there are no boys around. -Paget Brewster

New Yorkers in Independence Day: In my opinion, this is the only unrealistic part of the movie. I mean, we're talking about New Yorkers, here. These are tough people. These are people who, every day, without even thinking about it, voluntarily go down into dark, steaming, noisy, extremely aromatic holes containing the New York City subway system. People who do that are not going to get bent out of shape just because an alien invasion force is obliterating their city. They are merely going to shrug and continue reading the New York Post (front page headline: UFO ATTACK DESTROYS BUTTAFUUOCO HOME). -Dave Barry

Opera: Where else can you watch a woman stab herself in the chest, crash to the floor, and burst into a forty-seven-minute screaming bitchrant? -E. Jean Carroll
"Aria" is Italian for "song that will not end in your lifetime." -Dave Barry

If Oprah were to mention that she's reading the factory repair manual for the 1957 model Hotpoint toaster, it would immediately become the No. 1 bestseller in the world. -Dave Barry

Who asked the people who write opinion columns?-Maxine from Crabby Road
Nobody ever wants your honest opinion. People who throw unpleasant facts in your face fully expect approval as a reward for being open. -Margo Kaufman

Optimism is knowing there's no road you can't cross . . . realism is a steel-belted radial with your name on it!-Jake Vest
I find nothing more depressing than optimism.-Paul Fussell

The issue isn't whether you're paranoid, it's whether you're paranoid enough.-Strange Days

Everyone always says parents care less and less after each kid is born. The firstborn is lucky to stay out after 10PM on a school night, but by the time the second kid reaches the same age, they're having sex in their bedroom and running a drug cartel from the furnished basement. -The Misanthropic Bitch

The party, of course, looks like no party I ever went to; everyone's always going "woo!", dancing , and celebrating in ways high schoolers would never dare. But who cares? This is probably why teens go to these movies, to fuel the illusion that parties are fun while they stand around sullenly fingering their shoulder-tapped beer. Johnson

I would take the people who enjoy being with people and put them on an island. Then the rest of us would have a lot more room.-Daria Morgendorffer

We have no envy. I don't care what that misguided patriarch Sigmund Freud said. We may like a penis, but we don't want one. We watch men on hot days adjusting their scrotums, trying to get comfortable, and we're pleased by the state of our tidy genitalia. -Cynthia Heimel

He was cynical, perverse, conceited, obstinate, brilliantly clever. -Henry James

Pessimist: One who builds dungeons in the air.-Walter Winchell
A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.-Don Marquis
The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.-George F. Will

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.-Winston Churchill
Remember, pigs are ratings points.-Unidentified TV executive

In politics stupidity is not a handicap.-Napoleon Bonaparte
I usually cast my political ballot by choosing the lesser of two weasels.-Maxine from Crabby Road
The Republicans won but they are still big stupid lying bullies who want to make our wetlands into theme parks and get women back into their aprons and don't anybody fucking forget it for even a minute, okay? -Cynthia Heimel
Republicans are kind of like our parents. All their operating principles are based on fear and hatred. Don't go out and play with Jews or blacks or, God forbid, homosexuals. Don't have sex. Don't smoke pot or you'll turn into a crazed junkie. Above all, don't be weird. Republicans turned our alleged "land of the free" into a repressive, conformist, judgmental country. -Cynthia Heimel

I think I'd have a more positive outlook if all kinds of good things would start happening.-Maxine from Crabby Road

If you can talk brilliantly about a problem, it can create the consoling illusion that it has been mastered.-Stanley Kubrick
I knew that we were having problems when you put those piranhas in my bathtub again.-Weird Al Yankovic
There are few problems in life that wouldn't be eased by the proper application of high explosives.-Unknown

Procrastination Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.-Mark Twain
A promiscuous person is someone who is getting more sex than you are.-Victor Lownes

I quote others only the better to express myself.-Michel de Montaigne
When a thing has been said, and said well, have no scruple. Take it and copy it.-Anatole France
I hate quotations.-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Reading: The first drug. It blocks out the world.-Carrie Fisher

"Real World" I mean, how long can you watch people slouching around a fabulously appointed house that they aren't paying rent for and bitch about life? -Bird

Reality is always controlled by the people who are the most insane. -Dogbert

I have drive-by relationships. -Jane Krakowski

I have trouble with the c words . . . career, commitment . . . and a few more I won't mention. -Jane Krakowski

Wherever on earth the religious neurosis has appeared we find it tied to three dangerous dietary demands: solitude, fasting, and sexual abstinence.-Friedrich Nietzsche
Give a man a fish and he will eat. Give a man religion, and he will starve to death while praying for a fish. (someone on the web)

In a great romance, each person plays a part the other really likes.-Elizabeth Ashley Romantic love is mental illness. -Fran Lebowitz
Sometimes us romantic adventurers get bopped in the nose.-K

If they give you ruled paper, write the other way. -Fahrenheit 451

When I do right, no one remembers. When I do wrong, no one ever forgets.-Poster

Sanity is a cozy lie.-Susan Sontag

School days, I believe, are the unhappiest in the whole span of human existence. They are full of dull, unintelligible tasks, new and unpleasant ordinances, brutal violations of common sense and common decency.-H.L. Mencken
The more expensive a school is, the more crooks it has- I'm not kidding. Holden Caulfield
Even if you're eighty-four, it always is and always will be high school. It's true that people grow older, more sophisticated, but nobody ever matures past age eighteen. The same feelings persist. The way we acted then is the way we act now, even though our braces no longer lock when we kiss. -Cynthia Heimel

I like having low self-esteem. It makes me feel special.-Jane from Daria
Don't worry, I don't have low self-esteem. It's a mistake. I have low esteem for everyone else. -Daria Morgendorffer

"How's your love life, anyway?" Oh God. Why can't married people understand that this is no longer a polite question to ask? We wouldn't rush up to them and roar, "How's your marriage going? Still having sex?" Everyone knows that dating in your thirties is not the happy-go-lucky free-for-all it was when you were twenty-two and that the honest answer is more likely to be, "Actually, last night my married lover appeared wearing suspenders and a darling little Angora crop-top, told me he was gay/a sex addict/a narcotic addict/a commitment phobic and beat me up with a dildo," than, "Super, thanks." Bridget Jones.
When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities.-Matt Groening
Why should we take advice on sex from the Pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn't.-George Bernard Shaw
It's one of Murphy's Laws: Sex makes little kids, and kids make little sex.-Laurel
I may be a shallow guy, but a shallow guy with a great ass!-Cat from Red Dwarf
This is the nineties, not the nineteen hundreds. Spinsters are often regarded as clever career women who've avoided the perils of marriage and children. They're not repressed or twisted, and as a matter of fact, statistics show that an unmarried woman is likely to have less illnesses and live longer. The only thing that might have sent them off their trolleys in the days before I wass born wass that society treated them as failures and freaks. -Hamish Macbeth, Death of a Nag
"Slut" used to mean a slovenly woman. Now it means a woman who will go to bed with everyone. This is considered a bad thing in a woman, although perfectly fabulous in a man. -Cynthia Heimel

But I'm a story that never ends. Pull one string and the whole cloth unravels. -Sandra Cisneros

She thought she was quite fabulous; her facial expression of smug self-adulation struck nausea in my soul. Let's face it, the funny girl's lost it, and who can blame her since she's incessantly surrounded by mewling sycophants constantly telling her she's the bee's knees. Barbra look-at-my-legs-check-out-my-cleavage-and-did-you-happen-to-notice-my-nails Streisand. -Rachel

Stupidity is an elemental force for which no earthquake is a match.-Karl Kraus
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. -J. Smith
Was suddenly overwhelmed by urge to rush out and ask all the diners how old they thought I was: like at school once, when I conceived private conviction that I was mentally subnormal and went round asking everyone in the playground, "Am I mental?" and twenty-eight of them said, "Yes." -Bridget Jones
Do you remember when the earth blew up, and we all escaped in the giant spacecrafts, but nobody ever told the stupid people? -someone on the web
To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence.-Mark Twain

There is an old motto that runs, "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again." This is nonsense. It ought to read, "If at first you don't succeed, quit, quit at once."-Stephen Leacock
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. Unknown
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. Unknown
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? -J. Smith

I also think summer is a superior season because you can see everybody's outfits. You can't make fashion statements when it's cold out, and you never know what anyone's wearing. -Madonna

Everyone has talent. What is rare is the courage to follow that talent to the dark place where it leads.-Erica Jong

From the moment I could talk, I was ordered to listen.-Cat Stevens

You don't have to think too hard when you talk to a teacher. -Holden Caulfield

If you're a weird, outcast teenager, keep in mind that the people who are making your life miserable- these are the happiest days of their lives. When you are just starting to come into your own, they'll be settling into their default careers and default lives, wondering why they're not happy. -Poppy Z. Brite

A watched phone never rings.-Blair on One Life to Live
Every time I turn around, I am urged to commit to yet another telecommunications breakthrough that promises to keep me perpetually plugged in- car phones, picture phones, mobile phones, fax machines, pocket pagers. When will someone sell me privacy? -Margo Kaufman
"Why didn't you call me back?" she wails. A thousand excuses cross my mind: I left town without my answering-machine remote control. Her line was busy, or, better still, there was no answer. I was in a dugout canoe going up the Amazon. Unfortunately, state-of-the-art phone technology negates all of these rationalizations. "Maybe your machine is broken. Or you accidentally called my computer's line," suggests Monica, who wants to give me the benefit of the doubt. I don't deserve it. I deliberately broke the first-commandment of our accessibility-obsessesd society: Thou Shalt Not Miss A Call. -Margo Kaufman
I think, no I know, that when someone says, "Are you going to be there for a while? I'll call you right back," they should fucking well call you back. I think. -Cynthia Heimel

How come real shows like "My So-Called Life" are cancelled right away and "Full House" runs for 7 years? -someone on the web

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it.-Sam Levinson

Think? Why think! We have computers to do that for us.-Jean Rostand
There is no sadder sight on this earth than a football player trying to think.-Daria Morgendorffer

I'm surprised that no new life form had ever evolved from a gas station toilet. -Chuck Gerba

If anyone ever says, "Trust me," they are a lying ass dog.-Jessica from The Tide
He who tells the truth must have one foot in the stirrup.-Old Armenian proverb
They deem him their worst enemy who tells them the truth.-Plato
Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off an if nothing happened.-Winston Churchill
Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you mad.-Aldous Huxley

The more I see, the more I know, the more I know, the less I understand.-Paul Weller

The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to everybody and still nobody likes him.-Jim Samuels

The Ultimate Rule of Vacations: If you still have money in your pocket or credit on your card, you haven't had enough fun yet.-Jake Vest

Valentines' Day: Why is entire world geared to make people not involved in romance feel stupid when everyone knows romance does not work anyway. Look at royal family.-Bridget Jones

Venting --as opposed to attacking -- is one of the all time great human inventions, right up there with music, the airplane,and Rice Krispie Treats. -Breakup Girl

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.-George Patton

You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.-Jeannette Rankin

If winning isn't everything, why do they keep score?-Vince Lombardi

Wit has truth in it, wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words.-Dorothy Parker
A witty saying proves nothing.-Voltaire

Women, you can't live with 'em, you can't kill 'em.-True Lies
A girl can get in trouble anywhere. -Elizabeth Wurtzel
A woman is not property, and husbands who think otherwise are living in a dream world. -Robert Heinlein
Every week brings us a new woman-in-jeopardy-of-being-maimed-and-mutilated movie, a new rap song about tying the bitch whore to a chair and beating the shit out of her. -Cynthia Heimel
Being female is a bitch. -Cynthia Heimel
The old feminists had all the fun. -Cynthia Heimel
Believing in the handsome prince on the white charger who will catch you when you swoon and spirit you off to Happily-Ever-After-Land is the utter downfall of women. Because it is a wish that will never come true. It is a wish that will guarantee that we will never be happy. -Cynthia Heimel
Women are perverse. We like trouble. -Cynthia Heimel
Social mores have trained women to be empathetic, to put ourselves in the other guy's shoes and care more about his feelings than our own. This is why we have boundary problems and shrink bills. -Cynthia Heimel

Anyone who works is a fool.-Robert Morley
I do not like work, even when someone else does it.-Mark Twain.
I hate work. That's why I got married.-Peg Bundy from Married . . . With Children
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it? -J. Smith
One good thing about my job-there's little need for me to pay to see a zoo. -Maxine, Crabby Road
All work and no play makes Jack Nicholson try to kill his family with an ax. -Dave Barry

If the world were a logical place, men would ride side-saddle.-Rita Mae Brown
The world is run by C students.-Anonymous
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? -J. Smith
First, I thank my readers, a wondrously alert group of people who keep me posted on world events and who, every time I read my mail, remind me that I could not possibly make up a world weirder than the one I already inhabit. -Dave Barry
I think apathy, depression, irony and confusion are damned fine ways to view a world going to hell. -Cynthia Heimel
If anyone says, "Don't worry about it," that means you'd better worry about it.-Jessica from The Tide

If you can't annoy somebody, there's little point in writing.-Kingsley Amis
I decided that the only way I could keep from working was to start writing.-Robert E. Howard
The only thing I was fit for was to be a writer, and this notion rested solely on my suspicions that I would never be fit for real work, and that writing didn't require any.-Unknown
No doubt I shall go on writing, stumbling across tundras of unmeaning, planting words like bloody flags in my wake. Loose ends, things unrelated, shifts, nightmare journeys, cities arrived at and left, meetings, desertions, betrayals, all manner of unions, adulteries, triumphs, defeats... these are the facts. -Alexander Trocchi
No one expects miracles from writers, only words. -Margo Kaufman

"What's wrong, Abby?" "Oh, nothing that a rooftop and an AK-47 can't take care of." -Noelle and Abby, The Truth About Cats and Dogs
Mark Hunter: They think you're moody, make 'em think you're crazy. Make 'em think you're about to snap. They say you got attitude, you show 'em some real attitude! I mean, if I knew any thing about love, I would be out there making it, instead of sitting in here talking to you guys. -Mark Hunter/Happy Harry Hardon, Pump Up The Volume
Now I'm depressed. Now I feel like killing myself, but luckly I'm too depressed to bother.-Mark Hunter/Happy Harry Hardon, Pump Up The Volume
"We think you should see a psychiatrist." "Is it that obvious?" -Marla and Mark Hunter/Happy Harry Hardon, Pump Up The Volume
Did you ever get the feeling that everything in America is completely f@$%^ up.-Mark Hunter/Happy Harry Hardon, Pump Up The Volume
I hate the sixties, I hate school, I hate principals, I hate vice principles!! But my true pure refined hatred is reserved for guidance counselors.-Mark Hunter/Happy Harry Hardon, Pump Up The Volume
So when is Johnny gonna concentrate, get happy, get a girl friend and then write a best seller?-Mark Hunter/Happy Harry Hardon, Pump Up The Volume
anyway one day I woke up and I realised I was never going to be normal and so I said f%^&k it, I said so be it and Happy Harry Hardon was born.-Mark Hunter/Happy Harry Hardon, Pump Up The Volume

Sure you can trust the government...just ask a whale or an Indian.

Why do the criminally insane get to have all the fun?

Men are always whining about how we're suffocating them. Personally, I think if you can hear them whining, you're probably not pressing hard enough on the pillow.

People do not seeem to realize that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

The secret to a good self-esteem is to lower your expectations to the point where they're already met.

Bumper sticker: "He is YOUR God, those are YOUR rules, YOU burn in hell"

It's not that men have no self-control, it's that women don't help any. -Sarah Papineau

"I've had it. If a guy doesn't call me back, I call him again. I say, "Hi, I'm returning my call." -Jody Wasserman

Hollywood must stop feeding the myth that it's a good fantasy for a girl to want to grow up, stop easting and at 25, marry a 60 year old and have a fabulous 10 years escorting him into his dotage. That's a time honored fantasy for him. What's hers? -Meryl Streep

Dilbert's Words of Wisdom:
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn't looking good either.
Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

You start out depressed, everything turns out a pleasant surprise.-Lloyd Dobler, Say Anything
"Why dont you just call her again?" "I draw the line at 7 unreturned phone calls." -DC and Lloyd, Say Anything

Psuedo Jack Handey thoughts written by kids:
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? -Age 15
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. -Age 13
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen's. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. -Age 8
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. -Age 10
I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then I remember it's because he sucks. -Age 15
When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. -Age 5
Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right? -Age 15
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. -Age 15

SEEN ON A BILBOARD ALONG A HIGHWAY: "Caution: objects in the mirror may have flunked drivers ed."

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