Make your own free website on Tripod.com

RINSE THE BLOOD OFF MY TOGA

by Frank Wayne and John Schuster

transcribed from an old radio show LP album

ANNOUNCER

Rome! 44 B.C.!

FLAVIUS

My name is Flavius Maximus, Private Roman Eye. Licence number MCMLXXVIII. It also comes in handy as an eye chart. I'm gonna tell ya about the Julius Caesar Caper. It all began during the Ides of March. I had just nailed Sutoniuos the Gladiator, he had a crooked lion who kept takin a dive. Anyhow, I was just beginning to rest on my laurels when suddenly... HE burst in to my office.

BRUT

You Flavius Maximus, private eye?

FLAVIUS

I certainly am. What can I do for you? What's on your mind?

BRUT

Just a minute ----- are we alone?

FLAV

Yes, we're alone.

BRUT

Are you sure we're alone?

FLAV

Yes, yes, I'm sure we're alone!!

BRUT

Then who's that standing beside you?

FLAV

That's YOU.

BRUT

I know, but can I be trusted?

FLAV

(aside)

I could see I was dealing with no ordinary man. This guy was a nut!

(then)

All right, what's on your mind?

BRUT

Flavius Maximus, a terrible thing has happened. It the greatest crime in the history of Rome.

FLAV

All right, give it to me straight. What's up?

BRUT

Julius Caesar has been murdered!

FLAV

Julius Caesar murdered!

(aside)

I couldn't believe my ears! Big Julie was dead!

BRUT

Yes, it happened just a few hours ago. Happened in the Senate; he was

stabbed.

FLAV

Stabbed? In the Senate?

BRUT

No, not in the Senate. They got him right in the rotunda.

FLAV

That's a fatal spot. I had a splinter there once. Those marble splinters, you know.

BRUT

Boy, I tell you, all of Rome is in an uproar. I came to you because you are the top private eye in Rome. You've got to find the killer.

FLAV

Well, I'll try.

BRUT

Oh, you can do it. After all, you're the guy that got Clodius and Sullus and you sent them up on the invasion of the vestal virgin rap ---

FLAV

Yes, the whole town was sure in an uproar about that, huh. Holy Jupiter!

BRUT

Now look, what do you say, Flavius? Will you take the case?

FLAV

Just a minute, pally. I'd like to know just whom I am working for?

BRUT

I'm a Senator. I was Caesar's best friend. The name is Brutus.

FLAV

Brutus,eh! All right, Brutus, you got yourself a boy. I'll take the case. My fee is 125 drachmas a day, in advance, of course.

BRUT

okay, here you are!

FLAV

You're one short.

BRUT

Hey, you got a good ear.

FLAV

When it comes to money--perfect pitch.

BRUT

Let's go,eh?

FLAV

I'm ready.

(aside)

We went outside--flagged a passing chariot and made our way down the Via Appia. The streets were crowded with the usual people--slaves,senators, tutors, patricians, and little men who came out of doorways to sell you postcards from Gaul. Before long we found ourselves at the Senate.

BRUT

Flavius, this is where it happened. This is where Big Julie got murdered.

FLAV

Yeah, well, where is the corpus delecti?

BRUT

The what?

FLAV

The corpus delecti, corpus delecti. What's the matter, don't you understand plain Latin when you hear it?

BRUT

Oh, the stiff!

FLAV

Yea, yea.

BRUT

He's laying right over there.

FLAV

Would you look at that. Eight daggers in him.

BRUT

Yea, what do you think?

FLAV

I think that if he wre alive today, he'd be a pretty sick boy. He's really

fixed for blades, eh!

BRUT Oh, come on Flavius, you gotta solve this crime.

FLAV

All right, all right. Who are those men over there?

BRUT

They were all here when it happened. That's Publius, Casca, and there's

Trebonius.

FLAV

Who's that guy over there with the lean and hungry look on his kisser?

BRUT

That's Cassius.

FLAV

Yea? He looks like a loser form the collesium. Who do you think is the

likeliest suspect?

BRUT

That fella next to him.

FLAV

Wait a minute! That's you!

BRUT

I know, but how do you know I can be trusted?

FLAV

(aside)

I could see that I was dealing with no ordinary case. This was a mental case.

(then)

Wait a minute, who's the dame?

BRUT

That's Calpurnia, Caesar's wife.

FLAV

Yea, well she's a suspect, too. Wait a minute. Pardon me Mrs. Caesar ...

CAL

Yes?

FLAV

Flavius Maximus, private Roman eye. I'd like to ask you a few questions.

What do you know about this?

CAL

I told him, Julie, don't go. Don't go Julie, I said. Don't go, it's the

Ides of March.

FLAV

Now look, Mrs. Caesar, I'd ---

CAL

If I told him once, I'd told him a thousand times, Julie, don't go ...

FLAV

Please, don't upset yourself.

CAL

Julie, don't go, I said. It's the Ides of March. Beware already.

FLAV

Sergeant, would you take Mrs. Caesar home, please?

SGT

Come along, maam. Come along.

CAL

I told him, Julie don't go, don't go.

FLAV

(aside)

I don't blame him for going.

(then)

All right you Senators, you can go, too. But don't leave town.

BRUT

Well, what do you think?

FLAV

I don't know. There's not an angle anywhere. Not a clue.

BRUT

Cheer up Flavius. After all, Rome wasn't built in a day.

FLAV

Hey, what was that? What did you just say?

BRUT

I said, "Rome wasn't built in a day"

FLAV

Heh, that's good, very good. "Rome wasn't built in a day" That's pretty good.

BRUT

You like it?

FLAV

Yea, I like it.

BRUT

It's yours.

FLAV

Thanks. Well, let's reconstruct the crime: Caesar was over here, and... what's the matter?

BRUT

Look over there, behind that pillar. Sh! There's somebody behind that pillar. I'll go get him. SH!

FLAV

Right!

BRUT

(with Flav.)

All right buddy.

M. A.

Ow--ow--ow--Stop it! Stop it!

FLAV

All right, buster, what are you doing around here.

M. A.

Well, what do you expect me to be doing? Why shouldn't I be here? I'm Mark Antony.

FLAV

Mark Antony?

M. A.

Yes. I just made a speech over the body of Caesar. I said, "Friends, Romans and countrymen, lend me your ears!"

FLAV

Yea... What have you got in that sack?

M. A.

Ears!

FLAV

Will you get out of here?!

M. A.

But wait a minute. Don't you want to know who bumped off Julius Caesar?

FLAV

Yea. Do you know who did it? Out with it. What's his name?

M. A.

Ooh, oo--ee--ooo--aaah

FLAV

That's a funny name. Must be Greek.

BRUT

Look, he's dead.

FLAV

(aside)

What a confusing case. All I got is two dead bodies and a sack full of ears.

BRUT

Now, look, Flavius, I'm paying you a 110 drachmas a day--

FLAV

125 drachmas!

BRUT

All right, you got a good ear ---

FLAV

I got a sack full of good ears!

BRUT

Oh--now--look, let's have some action,huh!

FLAV

All right, all right. Don't get your toga in a nknot. Listen, I got a pal, Claudius. He runs a bar on the Via Flaminia. He should have a few answers for me.

BRUT

That's the idea. Get out among the people. Ask questions. After all, when in Rome, do as the Roman's do!

FLAV

Hey, Hey, what was that one?

BRUT

I said, "When in Rome, do as the Roman's do."

FLAV

Oh, that's good. 'When in Rome, do as the Roman's do-" Very good.

BRUT

Do you like it?

FLAV

Yea.

BRUT

It's yours.

FLAV

Thanks! (aside) claudius' Bar and Grill is a hangout where I get all the answers. It's just a small place with a few tables and a guy in the corner playing a crude, cool reed pipe.

CL

Hiya, Flav.

FLAV

Hi, Claud. What's new?

CL

Nothin much. What'll ya have?

FLAV

Give me a Martinus.

CL

DOn't you mean a "Mar-ti-NI"?

FLAV

If I want two, I'll ask for it. Look, I... I'm working on this Julius Caesar kill; do you know of anything?

CL

Try that dame over there.

FLAV

Yeah?

CL

Yea.

FLAV

All right, sister, start talking ...

CAL

I told him, Julie, don't go. Don't go Julie ---

FLAV

All right,--out--OUT!

CL

Hey, look, Flavius, I think I know the guy you're looking for.

FLAV

You mean, Mr. Big?

CL

Yea. His name is oooOOOee ----- ooooo--ee --- ah

FLAV

Now that's an interesting name. Got a stylus? I'd like to write it down. Claudius? Claudius! II 11 never get any more information out of him. He's dead! (aside) This was shaping up bigger than I thought. Suddenly, I looked up and there was Brutus.

BRUT

Hello, Flavius.

FLAV

Brutus, what are you doing here?

BRUT

I was looking for you. Hey, whols that on the floor?

FLAV

Claudius, the bartender.

BRUT

Hey, that's a funny place to carry a knife... in his back!

FLAV

He's dead. He was stabbed--through the portico.

BRUT

Hey, that's even more painful than the rotunda. Hey, have you come up with any answers? Who killed Julius Caesar?

FLAV

(aside) I started to think, and slowly the pieces fell into place. Brutus was the only man around when all those guys got killed. Caesar, Antony, the bartender. Brutus was always there. Things were beginning to add up. I put two and two together and it came out IV. It was time to make my move.

BRUT

Well, have you come up with any answers? Who killed Julius Caesar?

FLAV

only one guy could have done it.

BRUT

Yea, who?

FLAV

Let's not play games, Brutus, or should I say... MR. BIG!

BRUT

What are you getting at?

FLAV

If the sandal fits, wear it. YOU knocked off Big Julie.

BRUT

You're out of your head! I hired you to find the killer.

FLAV

Pretty smart, but not smart enough. Now, are you gonna talk? Or do I have to call in a couple of centurions to lean on ya?

BRUT

All right, flatfoot, I admit it. I admit it. I knocked off Big Julie, and I'd do it again.

FLAV

That's all I wanted to know. I'm sending you up the Tiber for a long stretch. Come on, I'll call a chariot, and we'll go downtown.

BRUT

Don't move unless you want a dagger in the toga. I'm getting out of here, and don't try to stop me!

FLAV

(aside) He had the drop on me, but I knew where he was heading... the scene of the crime: the Senate. Fifteen minutes later, I pulled up in my chariot. (then) Tiberius, Tiberius, hand me that Ram's Horn.

TIB

Here you are, Flavius.

FLAV

All right, Brutus, this is Flavius Maximus. I know you're in there, come on out.

BRUT

COme and get me, you dirty rotten flatfoot!

FLAV

You haven't got a chance, Brutus. I got the Senate surrounded by a stake-out. Now, throw your sword down and come out with your hands up.

BRUT

Come and get me!!

FLAV

Get smart, Brutus, we can smoke you out. We'll throw in incense. We'll throw in an onion with garlic on a spear.

BRUT

I don't care what you do!

FLAV

All right, you asked for it.(to Tiberius)Give it to him, Tiberius.(to Brutus)All right Brutus, I'll fill you fulla bronze.

BRUT

All right, you got me! (to himself) Shamus! (to Flav as he is being tied) but I'll be back.

FLAV

Oh no you won't.

BRUT

I'll be back. Just remember one thing, "All roads lead to Rome."

CENT

Come on you, let's go.

FLAV

Now-now-wait a minute-wait. Bring him back.

BRUT

What--what?

FLAV

That was a dandy! "All roads lead to Rome." That's the BEST.

BRUT

Do you like it?

FLAV

Yes ---

BRUT

Well, you can't have it! (spits)

FLAV

Oh, get out of here.

OTHERS

All Hail Flavius! All Rome salutes you. Hail Flavius!!

FLAV

Take him, boys. And now I got a date with a doll. Ok, baby, now are you sure your husband won't object?

CAL

Well, frankly, I don't care. If I told him once, I told him a thousand times, "Don't go, Julie!" I said ' "It's the Ides of March, beware already. Dont' go, Julie, don't Go.