by Frank Wayne and John Schuster
transcribed from an old radio show LP album
ANNOUNCER
Rome! 44 B.C.!
FLAVIUS
My name is Flavius Maximus, Private Roman Eye. Licence number MCMLXXVIII. It also comes in handy as an eye chart. I'm gonna tell ya about the Julius Caesar Caper. It all began during the Ides of March. I had just nailed Sutoniuos the Gladiator, he had a crooked lion who kept takin a dive. Anyhow, I was just beginning to rest on my laurels when suddenly... HE burst in to my office.
BRUT
You Flavius Maximus, private eye?
FLAVIUS
I certainly am. What can I do for you? What's on your mind?
BRUT
Just a minute ----- are we alone?
FLAV
Yes, we're alone.
BRUT
Are you sure we're alone?
FLAV
Yes, yes, I'm sure we're alone!!
BRUT
Then who's that standing beside you?
FLAV
That's YOU.
BRUT
I know, but can I be trusted?
FLAV
(aside)
I could see I was dealing with no ordinary man. This guy was a nut!
(then)
All right, what's on your mind?
BRUT
Flavius Maximus, a terrible thing has happened. It the greatest crime in the history of Rome.
FLAV
All right, give it to me straight. What's up?
BRUT
Julius Caesar has been murdered!
FLAV
Julius Caesar murdered!
(aside)
I couldn't believe my ears! Big Julie was dead!
BRUT
Yes, it happened just a few hours ago. Happened in the Senate; he was
stabbed.
FLAV
Stabbed? In the Senate?
BRUT
No, not in the Senate. They got him right in the rotunda.
FLAV
That's a fatal spot. I had a splinter there once. Those marble splinters, you know.
BRUT
Boy, I tell you, all of Rome is in an uproar. I came to you because you are the top private eye in Rome. You've got to find the killer.
FLAV
Well, I'll try.
BRUT
Oh, you can do it. After all, you're the guy that got Clodius and Sullus and you sent them up on the invasion of the vestal virgin rap ---
FLAV
Yes, the whole town was sure in an uproar about that, huh. Holy Jupiter!
BRUT
Now look, what do you say, Flavius? Will you take the case?
FLAV
Just a minute, pally. I'd like to know just whom I am working for?
BRUT
I'm a Senator. I was Caesar's best friend. The name is Brutus.
FLAV
Brutus,eh! All right, Brutus, you got yourself a boy. I'll take the case. My fee is 125 drachmas a day, in advance, of course.
BRUT
okay, here you are!
FLAV
You're one short.
BRUT
Hey, you got a good ear.
FLAV
When it comes to money--perfect pitch.
BRUT
Let's go,eh?
FLAV
I'm ready.
(aside)
We went outside--flagged a passing chariot and made our way down the Via Appia. The streets were crowded with the usual people--slaves,senators, tutors, patricians, and little men who came out of doorways to sell you postcards from Gaul. Before long we found ourselves at the Senate.
BRUT
Flavius, this is where it happened. This is where Big Julie got murdered.
FLAV
Yeah, well, where is the corpus delecti?
BRUT
The what?
FLAV
The corpus delecti, corpus delecti. What's the matter, don't you understand plain Latin when you hear it?
BRUT
Oh, the stiff!
FLAV
Yea, yea.
BRUT
He's laying right over there.
FLAV
Would you look at that. Eight daggers in him.
BRUT
Yea, what do you think?
FLAV
I think that if he wre alive today, he'd be a pretty sick boy. He's really
fixed for blades, eh!
BRUT Oh, come on Flavius, you gotta solve this crime.
FLAV
All right, all right. Who are those men over there?
BRUT
They were all here when it happened. That's Publius, Casca, and there's
Trebonius.
FLAV
Who's that guy over there with the lean and hungry look on his kisser?
BRUT
That's Cassius.
FLAV
Yea? He looks like a loser form the collesium. Who do you think is the
likeliest suspect?
BRUT
That fella next to him.
FLAV
Wait a minute! That's you!
BRUT
I know, but how do you know I can be trusted?
FLAV
(aside)
I could see that I was dealing with no ordinary case. This was a mental case.
(then)
Wait a minute, who's the dame?
BRUT
That's Calpurnia, Caesar's wife.
FLAV
Yea, well she's a suspect, too. Wait a minute. Pardon me Mrs. Caesar ...
CAL
Yes?
FLAV
Flavius Maximus, private Roman eye. I'd like to ask you a few questions.
What do you know about this?
CAL
I told him, Julie, don't go. Don't go Julie, I said. Don't go, it's the
Ides of March.
FLAV
Now look, Mrs. Caesar, I'd ---
CAL
If I told him once, I'd told him a thousand times, Julie, don't go ...
FLAV
Please, don't upset yourself.
CAL
Julie, don't go, I said. It's the Ides of March. Beware already.
FLAV
Sergeant, would you take Mrs. Caesar home, please?
SGT
Come along, maam. Come along.
CAL
I told him, Julie don't go, don't go.
FLAV
(aside)
I don't blame him for going.
(then)
All right you Senators, you can go, too. But don't leave town.
BRUT
Well, what do you think?
FLAV
I don't know. There's not an angle anywhere. Not a clue.
BRUT
Cheer up Flavius. After all, Rome wasn't built in a day.
FLAV
Hey, what was that? What did you just say?
BRUT
I said, "Rome wasn't built in a day"
FLAV
Heh, that's good, very good. "Rome wasn't built in a day" That's pretty good.
BRUT
You like it?
FLAV
Yea, I like it.
BRUT
It's yours.
FLAV
Thanks. Well, let's reconstruct the crime: Caesar was over here, and... what's the matter?
BRUT
Look over there, behind that pillar. Sh! There's somebody behind that pillar. I'll go get him. SH!
FLAV
Right!
BRUT
(with Flav.)
All right buddy.
M. A.
Ow--ow--ow--Stop it! Stop it!
FLAV
All right, buster, what are you doing around here.
M. A.
Well, what do you expect me to be doing? Why shouldn't I be here? I'm Mark Antony.
FLAV
Mark Antony?
M. A.
Yes. I just made a speech over the body of Caesar. I said, "Friends, Romans and countrymen, lend me your ears!"
FLAV
Yea... What have you got in that sack?
M. A.
Ears!
FLAV
Will you get out of here?!
M. A.
But wait a minute. Don't you want to know who bumped off Julius Caesar?
FLAV
Yea. Do you know who did it? Out with it. What's his name?
M. A.
Ooh, oo--ee--ooo--aaah
FLAV
That's a funny name. Must be Greek.
BRUT
Look, he's dead.
FLAV
(aside)
What a confusing case. All I got is two dead bodies and a sack full of ears.
BRUT
Now, look, Flavius, I'm paying you a 110 drachmas a day--
FLAV
125 drachmas!
BRUT
All right, you got a good ear ---
FLAV
I got a sack full of good ears!
BRUT
Oh--now--look, let's have some action,huh!
FLAV
All right, all right. Don't get your toga in a nknot. Listen, I got a pal, Claudius. He runs a bar on the Via Flaminia. He should have a few answers for me.
BRUT
That's the idea. Get out among the people. Ask questions. After all, when in Rome, do as the Roman's do!
FLAV
Hey, Hey, what was that one?
BRUT
I said, "When in Rome, do as the Roman's do."
FLAV
Oh, that's good. 'When in Rome, do as the Roman's do-" Very good.
BRUT
Do you like it?
FLAV
Yea.
BRUT
It's yours.
FLAV
Thanks! (aside) claudius' Bar and Grill is a hangout where I get all the answers. It's just a small place with a few tables and a guy in the corner playing a crude, cool reed pipe.
CL
Hiya, Flav.
FLAV
Hi, Claud. What's new?
CL
Nothin much. What'll ya have?
FLAV
Give me a Martinus.
CL
DOn't you mean a "Mar-ti-NI"?
FLAV
If I want two, I'll ask for it. Look, I... I'm working on this Julius Caesar kill; do you know of anything?
CL
Try that dame over there.
FLAV
Yeah?
CL
Yea.
FLAV
All right, sister, start talking ...
CAL
I told him, Julie, don't go. Don't go Julie ---
FLAV
All right,--out--OUT!
CL
Hey, look, Flavius, I think I know the guy you're looking for.
FLAV
You mean, Mr. Big?
CL
Yea. His name is oooOOOee ----- ooooo--ee --- ah
FLAV
Now that's an interesting name. Got a stylus? I'd like to write it down. Claudius? Claudius! II 11 never get any more information out of him. He's dead! (aside) This was shaping up bigger than I thought. Suddenly, I looked up and there was Brutus.
BRUT
Hello, Flavius.
FLAV
Brutus, what are you doing here?
BRUT
I was looking for you. Hey, whols that on the floor?
FLAV
Claudius, the bartender.
BRUT
Hey, that's a funny place to carry a knife... in his back!
FLAV
He's dead. He was stabbed--through the portico.
BRUT
Hey, that's even more painful than the rotunda. Hey, have you come up with any answers? Who killed Julius Caesar?
FLAV
(aside) I started to think, and slowly the pieces fell into place. Brutus was the only man around when all those guys got killed. Caesar, Antony, the bartender. Brutus was always there. Things were beginning to add up. I put two and two together and it came out IV. It was time to make my move.
BRUT
Well, have you come up with any answers? Who killed Julius Caesar?
FLAV
only one guy could have done it.
BRUT
Yea, who?
FLAV
Let's not play games, Brutus, or should I say... MR. BIG!
BRUT
What are you getting at?
FLAV
If the sandal fits, wear it. YOU knocked off Big Julie.
BRUT
You're out of your head! I hired you to find the killer.
FLAV
Pretty smart, but not smart enough. Now, are you gonna talk? Or do I have to call in a couple of centurions to lean on ya?
BRUT
All right, flatfoot, I admit it. I admit it. I knocked off Big Julie, and I'd do it again.
FLAV
That's all I wanted to know. I'm sending you up the Tiber for a long stretch. Come on, I'll call a chariot, and we'll go downtown.
BRUT
Don't move unless you want a dagger in the toga. I'm getting out of here, and don't try to stop me!
FLAV
(aside) He had the drop on me, but I knew where he was heading... the scene of the crime: the Senate. Fifteen minutes later, I pulled up in my chariot. (then) Tiberius, Tiberius, hand me that Ram's Horn.
TIB
Here you are, Flavius.
FLAV
All right, Brutus, this is Flavius Maximus. I know you're in there, come on out.
BRUT
COme and get me, you dirty rotten flatfoot!
FLAV
You haven't got a chance, Brutus. I got the Senate surrounded by a stake-out. Now, throw your sword down and come out with your hands up.
BRUT
Come and get me!!
FLAV
Get smart, Brutus, we can smoke you out. We'll throw in incense. We'll throw in an onion with garlic on a spear.
BRUT
I don't care what you do!
FLAV
All right, you asked for it.(to Tiberius)Give it to him, Tiberius.(to Brutus)All right Brutus, I'll fill you fulla bronze.
BRUT
All right, you got me! (to himself) Shamus! (to Flav as he is being tied) but I'll be back.
FLAV
Oh no you won't.
BRUT
I'll be back. Just remember one thing, "All roads lead to Rome."
CENT
Come on you, let's go.
FLAV
Now-now-wait a minute-wait. Bring him back.
BRUT
What--what?
FLAV
That was a dandy! "All roads lead to Rome." That's the BEST.
BRUT
Do you like it?
FLAV
Yes ---
BRUT
Well, you can't have it! (spits)
FLAV
Oh, get out of here.
OTHERS
All Hail Flavius! All Rome salutes you. Hail Flavius!!
FLAV
Take him, boys. And now I got a date with a doll. Ok, baby, now are you sure your husband won't object?
CAL
Well, frankly, I don't care. If I told him once, I told him a thousand times, "Don't go, Julie!" I said ' "It's the Ides of March, beware already. Dont' go, Julie, don't Go.