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Fort Head ART: 6:00 "What Battle?" skit props: binoculars, hats (5), "canonballs", dusty concordance/topical index & Bible, both huge On screen: Britney enters a living room set, pops a Pepsi can, and sits down on the couch, flicking on the TV. Scene opens onstage Impulse (on lookout, binoculars in hand): Oh, no, Captain! She just turned on the TV! Captain: Stations, men, stations! (everyone scrambles into place; Cellman at ammo, Captain center as captain, Impulse at lookout; Corpus and Nuerism at ops) What channel is she on? Impulse: Looks like, yes, Sir, it is. HYP-TV, Sir. Captain: What's the program? Impulse: Incredible Chameloid Bible Bangers, Sir. Nuerism: Captain, we can't hold her here for long! Corpus: Yeah, Captain. She outgrew the Bible Bangers years ago. Oh, no! She's changing the channel! Captain: Brace for impact! (they all hold tight to their stations, then act like they're being jostled around. recovering). Where is she now? Impulse: CNN, Sir. It's fast food commercial. Captain: Nuerism, Corpus, see if you can make her hungry. Corpus: Hungry for what, Sir? Captain: Tacos, hamburgers, anything that'll make her get up and go out for a while. We need time to strategize! Nuerism: We'll do our best! Captain: Cellman, what does our ammo look like? Cellman: opens ammo trunk, pulls out a huge, dusty concordance/topical index Give me a minute, Sir... Captain: We may not have a minute, Cellman! We don't know when the commercials will go off! Matt: L...Laziness...Proverbs 6:6-11.(gets out huge, dusty study Bible)... Nuerism: Capt'n, we've got her craving pizza. Captain: Good work! Impulse: She's getting up! (cheers all around) Oh no! She's just going to the kitchen! Captain: We're okay for a minute. Gather 'round, men. Impulse, you stay on guard. Cellman: What are we gonna do?? Captain: Watch and pray, Cellman, watch and pray. Guys bow heads, close eyes, get on knees and pray silently for a minute, then get up. Captain: Cellman? Cellman: Sir, yes, Sir! Captain: Get the ammo ready. When she sits back down, men, we'll test a verse on her. Nuerism, Corpus, aim for the heart. Nuerism: Settin' coordinates now, Sir...Set. We're ready to load. Captain: Cellman, you got that ammo? Cellman (pulls out a big dusty bowling ball): Yes, Sir! Takes it over to ops and the guys load it into the "canon" - a nerve ending Impulse: Captain! The microwave just buzzed! She'll be back in the living room in no time! Nuerism: Want us to fire now, Cap'n? Captain: Wait. What's the verse, Cellman? Cellman: "Go to the ant, you sluggard; consider its ways and be wise! It has no commmander, no overseer or ruler, yet it stores its provisions in summer...How long will you lie there, you sluggard?" Corpus: Isn't that kinda harsh? I mean, she's just watching TV... Captain: There is no 'just watching TV' these days, Nuerism. You see, when she became a Christian, and the Holy Spirit came inside her, our Commander changed. No longer are we just Britney's conscience troop, but we're now under the supervision of the Great Commander, God. We all read the manual together, right? Cellman, Corpus, Nuerism & Impulse: Sir, yes, Sir! Captain: And we know that it's only a matter of time before she becomes stagnated in her heart and then her mind. I've never been in a stagnated mind before, I was brought up right here with you men, but I've heard the stories. We've all heard the stories. Remember what happened to Christopher Brennan? Cellman, Corpus, Nuerism & Impulse all take off their hats and look sadly at the ground. Nuerism: Chris was good young man. Never did anything to hurt anyone, not even a fly. It's a shame... Cellman: Yep, it started with Donkey Kong and grew into Tetrus... Nuerism: After a while, he couldn't handle it... Impulse: He started sneaking in Samurai Killing Machines against his mom's will, and just went downhill from there. Corpus: And Cindy Renay. Captain, Cellman, Nuerism, Impulse & Corpus sigh sadly. Nuerism: Poor kid got the internet and started withdrawing from her friends out of fascination... Impulse: Whaterver happened to her? Captain: She was grounded after her parents got that $800 bill for the first month. Impulse: Wasn't that a year and a half ago? Captain: Yep. Impulse: And she isn't out yet? Captain: Nope. Corpus: And what about Justin Raymon? Nuerism: Spent $200 dollars on music in one week. Captain: Which is precisely why we can't let her get lazy! She needs to be up! Out! And it's our job to help her make the decisions. Back to your posts men! They all go back to their jobs. Impulse: CAPTAIN!! She's watching Empty V!!! Cellman: Not Empty V! NOOOOOO!! We're all gonna die!!!! Captain, Nuerism, Cellman & Corpus all look at TV then quickly sheild their eyes. Captain: Quick, fire, men! Fire! They all wait a moment then wiggle as if there was a tremor. Impulse: She's shaken! She's not changed, yet, but she's shaken! Captain: Cellman! Cellman: Sir?! Captain: Give us more ammo! Cellman: Consider it done, Captain! (looks up more verses) I've got one,Sir! Captain: What is it? Cellman: Hebrews 6:12. "We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised." Captain: Load and fire at will, men. Cellman, give her a duplicate of that Hebrews 6:12 but break it down so that it's "We do not want you to become lazy". Pack it with extra powder to make it a real zinger! Cellman does so then gives Corpus and Nuerism the "canonball". Corpus: Whoa, lookie here, boys! Cell, man, that's a beaut! Cellman (modestly): Thanks. Verse fractional zingers are my specialties. Captain: Impulse, what's our status? Impulse: Not sure quite yet, Sir...She may get up...No! No, this can't be! Captain, I just got a direct message. She's ignoring us! Cellman: NOOOO! Not ignorance! We're all gonna DIE!!!! Impulse, Captain, Corpus & Nuerism: CHILL, CELLMAN! Nuerism: Okay. Captain: This is worse than I thought, men. Direct disobedience to what is right is a serious sin. All we can do now is hope and pray that something'll get through to her... Silence, count 1, 2, 3, 4 Corpus: Sir, do you ever feel like it's useless? Like no matter what you do, you can't make a difference in her life? Captain: Neurism, that's the way we're s'posed to feel. Cellman: What do you mean? Captain: It's our place to voice the will of God and the wisdom of the Spirit in the mind of the Christian. We could be the best troop in the whole army of God, but she still decides whether or not she'll listen and obey. She was given a free will to decide what she'll do and what she'll not do when Eve bit into the fruit thousands of years ago. People make conscious decisions in every action they partake in, whether habitual, liesurely or emotional. Believe me, I wish I could make her do what's right, but God gave her that power, not me. Let's not give up, though. I don't think this will be a repeat of Custer's last stand or Napoleon's Waterloo. Have faith, men... scene dims on screen Britney's mom: Britney! Turn off the TV! You have homework to do. phone rings, Britney answers it. Britney; Hey, Jenna...Nope, nothing's going on here at all. It's been so boring this afternoon. (gets up and starts to walk off scene) Yeah. I was just watching TV...Bible study? Count me in! scene fades |
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