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The Hex Records Hex Records
Frank Cammuso and Hart Seely; RJG5@aol.com ON VIDEO scene 8a Scene opens on Christmas tree top; camera pans down the tree to base, where no gifts are; then pans to coffee table (where cookies & milk await St. Nick), then over to two kids, asleep on couch. Background: Miracle on 34th Street, "Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus". We hear some thumps, then the camera pans back to the coffee table, where cookies and milk await no more. Pan back to tree base, now surrounded with gifts. scene 8b Cue 'Eerie Theme Music', X-Philian theme video. scene 8c Mulder and Scully enter room Mulder: We're too late! It's already been here! Look, Scully, it's just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into a shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care... Scully: You really think this - thing - has been here?...Mulder, over here. There's a note. close-up on note, reads 'Gonna find out who's naughty and nice'. Mulder: It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list. Scully: Who? Please, what, precisely, are you talking about? Mulder: Ancient mythology tells a tale in song and story of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed, in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once a year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite. Scully: But that's a legend, Mulder - -a story told by parents to frighten their children into behaving well. Surely you don't believe it? Mulder: Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive, and apparently very brusque. It left crumbs everywhere. And this milk glass has been completely drained. It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse. Scully: But why would they leave milk and cookies for it? Mulder: Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding. Scully: Even if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were locked, and there are no signs of forced entry. Mulder: Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace. Scully: Wait a minute, Mulder. You're saying some huge creature landed on the roof and came down this chimney? The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing could get down there. Mulder: What if could alter its shape; move in all directions at once? Scully: You mean, like a bowl full of jelly? Mulder: Exactly. Scully, I don't think you're aware of this, but when I was a child, my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long whte shanks of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head. It's bloated torso was red and white. I'll never forget the horror. I turned away, and when I looked back, it had somehow taken on the facial features of my father. Scully: That's impossible. Mulder: I know what I saw. And that night, it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully. It knew that all year I had wanted a Mr. Potato Head! Scully: I'm sorry, Mulder, but you're asking me to disregard the laws of physics, not to mention the rest of my mind. You want me to believe in some supernatural being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls and boys. Listen to what you're saying. Do you understand the repercussions? If this gets out, they'll close the Hex-Records. Mulder: Scully, listen to me: It knows when you're sleeping. It knows when you're awake. Scully: So I guess I'd better be good, for goodness' sake. Look, we have no proof... Mulder: Last year, on this exact date, SETI radio telescopes detected bogeys in the airspace over twenty-seven states. The White House ordered a Condition Red. Scully: That was a meteor shower. Mulder: Only officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished from the National Zoo, in D.C. No one was told about it. The governmnent doesn't want people to know about Project Kringle. They fear that if this thing is proved to exist, the public will stop spending half its annual income the holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets will collapse. Scully, they cannot let the world believe that this creature exists. There's too much at stake. They'll do whatever it takes to insure another silent night. Scully: So now you're telling me this is yet another conspiracy, created by the US government, to dupe all unwitting citizens into --- Mulder: SHHH! Do you hear what I hear? Scully: On the roof. It sounds like...a clatter. Mulder: The truth is up there. Let's see what's the matter. Scene 8d Crime scene. Mulder and Scully are sitting at a table, talking with the 'victims', the kids. Mulder: And what happened after you fell asleep? Girl: We slept. Then we woke up. Scully: Do you remember what time you woke up? Girl: I think it was around six. Mulder: Then what? Boy: Our cookies and milk were all gone. Girl: All that was left was crumbs! Boy: And we got presents! Girl: Lots of 'em!! Scully: Were these gifts wrapped? Boy: Uh huh. 'Cept for my new bike. Mulder: Do you remember anything else? Girl: No. Boy: Huh-uh. Scully: Thanks. Mulder and Scully rise and go into living room, ducking under crime scene tape. Mulder beelines for the Christmas tree, stoops down, and studies the wrapping paper, which is being cleaned up. Scully is observing from afar, arms crossed, head tilted (Dana Scully pose #1).. Mulder: Scully, look at this. Scully approaches and stoops down next to Mulder. Scully: What is it, Mulder? Mulder: Have you ever seen anything like this? Scully: Yes. Classic heavyweight wrapping paper. Why? Mulder: It's not that classic. Scully: What do you mean? Mulder: Look carefully. The print. It's not manufactured in the U.S. Scully (in Dana Scully pose #2 - the frustrated-incredulous Look): So the family travels. Just because the paper is foriegn doesn't mean -- Mulder: Doesn't mean what? Doesn't mean that Santa Claus exists? Scully: Is there anything you don't believe in? Mulder: Is there anything you do believe in? Scully: I believe in getting to the mall so I can do the rest of my shopping. Mulder: Then so be it. Cut to scene 8e Scene 8e Mulder and Scully in the car, traveling to the mall. Scully: Are you suggesting that this is the work of jolly old St. Nick? Mulder, you can't be serious. Mulder: Granted, no known species of reindeer can fly, but there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified. While most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa, Mrs. Claus and the packing elves have ever seen. There are approximately 2 billion children, persons under 18 years old, in the world. Since Santa doesn't appear to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total-378 million homes. One presumes there is at least one good child in each of those homes, so it would be possible for a somewhat Herculean figure to visit all of the said children. Scully: This Santa, as you believe to be the mysterious cookie-eating, milk-drinking, present-giving person to be, has a mere 31 hours of Christmas to work with, due to the different time zones and the rotation of the Earth, assuming he travels east to west, which seems logical. This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christmas household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney , get back to the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the Earth, which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept, we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feedings and et cetera. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on Earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour. Not to mention the payload on the sleigh, which adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set, which sits at 2 pounds, the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa -- Mulder: Scully? Scully: Yes, Mulder? Mulder: Marry me. Scully: I was hoping for something a little more helpful. the duo has arrived at the mall , parks, and gets out of the car. Mulder: So your point is? The reality of Santa Claus is undeniable to anyone who has ever been a child and received gifts on Christmas. walking towards the door. Scully: Assuming there was a Saint Nicholas who gave gifts to good children, he's dead now. They walk towards the entrance, but Mulder's distracted. He takes off running (after an elf), and Scully takes off after him. (This actually looked really cool on video, but it was 90 degree April and we had to make it look like Christmas -i.e. trench coats- and then there was the incident with Belk's security guard, he thought they had real guns...) Our actors kick them out and Mulder's ticked...oh, the video looks great, y'all! |
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DISCLAIMER! The X-Files don't belong to me. Mulder and Scully are not my creations, even though I wish they were. Chris Carter is the genius behind the characters and mood, Hart Sealy & Frank Cammuso wrote the first part, some insanely wonderful person wrote up the statistics (weltachiay!) and I simply used it. Hey, I learned from Sigmund Brouwer, "Take what's there, and change it." |
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