I have been trying to update for two days..the error message claimed" SCRIPT ERROR..would you like to continue running script on this page?"

How the hell do I know?? I just wanna write in my journal...two days of frustration and troubleshooting...and all I had to do was "RESTART MY $(@*&*$*@! COMPUTER!!"

Ok..as I reread that last paragraph...I had an intuitve grasp on reality ...read:epiphany! Is that not my custom?? TO MAKE THINGS WAY MORE COMPLICATED THAN THEY ACTUALLY ARE??

As I ripped open the 15th medical bill of the week..and review my health insurance policy,that pooped out $15,ooo dollars ago..I think..yeah well,things could be worse,atleast I have electricity for the lights to read by,and a telephone to answer the phone when the dear sweet bill collectors call!

Here is my helpful bill collector hint for the day~

RING RING Goes the phone

ME:"HELLO"

BILL COLLECTOR:"Is Mrs.Dianna Good at home?"

(this is your first clue of trouble,no dear friend will use your full name when asking for you..and Ed McMann rings the doorbell with a bunch of baloons and a great big giant check in his hand,so,safe to say, it won't be Ed on the other end of the line}

{this is when one of my handy "other personalities come to visit",so it is not a lie when I say:}

ME:"No,I'm sorry,Mrs.Good has stepped out for a moment,may I help you with something?"

BILL COLLECTOR:"Who am I speaking to?"

ME:"Oh,I am the NANNY,Nancy...yeah,Nancy the Nanny,That's me!!" then I scream into the phone reciever "YOU KIDS KEEP IT DOWN!!CAN"T YOU SEE I AM ON THE PHONE??!!JUST WAIT TILL YOUR MOTHER ,MRS.DIANNA GOOD,GETS HOME!!"

Well kids ,I hope you have enjoyed your lesson for today!! Coming soon: InLaw Lessons 101

02/13/99

FEELING OH-SO-FAT!!!

GAWD!! I hate this feeling!! I have gained 15 pounds since Nov 1. All the hard work..down the drain. Depression..I know it is depression ..This was supposed to be get serious month...and I swear the first two hours of Monday Feb 1st I was REALLY REALLY serious!! Then,it happened,the moment we all dread! The moment of truth in the life of a dieter...someone brought DONUTS to work!!!

Boston Creams...BAKERY ITEMS FROM HELL!!! At first I was strong..hah!! Donuts..I'm not gonna fall off the wagon for some miserable little Boston Creams ..mabe if it was cheesecake..

THEN ,I swear!! They started calling me!! By name even!!

~"dianna...yoooohooo...dianna...you know you want to eat us...we are your friends...your buddies...your pals...we won't hurt you...we are just innocent little donuts...yooohooo dianna"~

I start talking to myself:

"OK Dianna ,stay cool! Don't look over there!!" {I looked anyway}" I told you not to look!! " Ok..you can look ,but don't touch!!" I take a few steps toward the box.. Then regain control and turn back...

~yooohooo...dianna...we are still here...just waiting for you!!~

Then I start doing the math... Ok if I eat 2 little donuts ,skip lunch,dinner and tommorows snack..I will still be OK...It's not worth it I tell myself...Stay strong!!

~dianna...yoohooo...dianna~

Do I need to tell you who won?

01/18/99

DISCLIMER: Today's entry contains copyright infringement ~I AM A WOMEN ON THE EDGE~I do not give a flying flip! Have your lawyers contact my lawyers!! And if my lawyer can't get me off on an INSANITY PLEA..that's ok ! I hear they have pretty good cooks in the FEDERAL PEN..and at the least I will loose a few pounds and make new friends,not to mention the valuable new job skills I can aquire!!!

So,yesterday ,on my day off, I am looking thru a popular fitness magazine and find a promising article in the index "ThE BUSY WOMEN"S WORKOUT GUIDE"

I flip to the page indicated and ..start reading~

"Your'e working at a fulltime job,studying for the bar exam and trying to maintain a semblance of your so-called social life.Meanwhile your to-do list has grown to epic proportions.Make arrangements for a visit from the cleaning lady. Pay bills.Plan a luncheon for 60 ." "You know that exercise would help you loose weight and calm your nerves.However unless you just won Powerball or aspire to a career at Dairy Queen,you probably have both hands planted on the career ladder"

STOP!! reading!!~

I slam that snobby ,hoity toidy,not for real women health rag on the floor and STOMP on it!!!

How the hell can I relate to that?? This does not apply to REAL WOMEN"S LIVES!! Not the real women in my neighborhood any way!! The women who HAVE ASPIRED TO MAKE DAIRY QUEEN THIER CAREER CHOICE,hey it may not have been a dream come true...but we do what we have to..right?

THE REAL WOMEN"S Work-Out GUIDE!! by: DIANNA GOOD

Your'e trying not to get fired from your full time job,while planning for your long overdue pap exam.While maintaining a marriage to a man that makes you want to abuse prescrption drugs.

Meanwhile your to-do list has grown to epic proportions: wash 26 loads of laundry,pay all the bills that are written on red paper and stamped "FINAL NOTICE,DEADBEAT!! Pick up the "good chinette " paper plates at the grocery store because your old man's boss is coming for dinner.Then swing by PEP-Boys auto supply for a bottle of Rain-X because your windshield wipers are broken and you just don't have the money to get them fixed right now.(trust me it works!! I don't even miss the wipers anymore!!}

You know that you should exercise..it would help you loose weight faster,and reduce the stress in your life,on second thought,forget about the stress reduction bit,Lady..the only thing that's gonna take YOUR KIND OF STRESS away is an imported beer with a side of Xanax!! But it never hurts to get a little activity in here and there.

Perhaps instead of driving to the bank the next time you float a check and it bounces from here to Hong Kong and back ,you could slap a leash on Fido and walk to the bank instead.

Ask your significant other to help you...I hear sex burns alot of calories..but you need at least a twenty minute session!! Let's see,if I add the total minutes spent on each of our three weekly "encounters" I will STILL have to have a 15 minute affair on the side!!! So much for that idea!!

My final advice to busy working women like myself is :Do what you can ~when you can..push yourself to be your own personal best!!

Until next time kids!! xxooDianna

02/23/99

Well,I successfully re-dedicated myself to the program yesterday,after falling off the wagon over the weekend..we went to Outback..and then to Rubies for a Mega-rita..and then to a Speakeasy to further imbibe {ok,so it was a dive bar right in our neighborhood,but I've always wanted to say "Speakeasy"

I stayed on track all day,and into the night,when I was really tempted..I remained strong.2 shakes and a sensible dinner...wee-ha! Of course,I always do well when I re-start on a Monday,when a quarter moon hangs in the sky,and the barometric pressure is rising..that is why I wait..ever-so -patiently to begin again,when all the conditions are right..to foster my success!!

Wishing you all the best !! xxoo

02/25/99

WILL THE REAL FAT CHICK...PLEASE STAND UP????

Fake Fatties!! They are all around us! Perhaps you know one.Mabe you are even related to one.If you glance ever so slightly to your left ,you may be LOOKING at a FAKE FATTIE in the office cubicle next to you.

What's that you say? You do not know WHAT a FAKE FATTIE is? Oh,well,allow me to enlighten you. A FAKE FATTIE is the women who wears a size 8 and looks like the subject your THIN DREAMS are made of! She is also the obnoxious women who,after lunch,or when Aunt Flo is in town WHINES and Cries about HOW FAT SHE IS!! Always,asking ,after her "I'm so fat announcement" Don't you think I look fatter?

She is the same size 8 women who brings brings a gallon of water and a copy of the Cabbage Soup Diet to work,because she is such a PIG her size 8's are a wee big snug!

I work with a FAKE FATTIE..who alternates between a size 6 and 8..depending on the cut of the garment."oH,lOOK HOW FAT I AM...SEE THIS PIECE OF FAT RIGHT HERE?? " I NEVER HAD THAT LAST YEAR!" mY HUSBAND EVEN NOTICED" I just nod and smile..Oh I have a few private thoughts on the matter,that I am much too polite to share with the FAKE FATTIE ~hey,you ain't gonna get any sympathy from a 215 pound woman...you scrawny malnourished size 6 bimbo!! I think you and your husband are both idiots!! In fact,I don't know who I hate more ,you or your screwy old man!! ~

But I am warning ya all..I'm gonna snap one day...I know the time will come,I won't be able to stand it any longer...FAKE FATTIES BEWARE!! You are gonna pluck my last REAL FATTIE NERVE..and it ain't gonna be pretty!!

dianna1030@aol.com
~E-mAiL ~