If I could offer you only one tip for the future, leather pants would be it.
Ladies love leather pants, whereas the rest of my advice has no bearing on your ability to get laid.
I will dispense this advice now:
Enjoy the power and beauty of your beer. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your beer until you're in A.A. But trust
me, while you're sitting in detox writhing from withdrawal, you'll look back at photos of your beer and recall in a way you can't grasp now how drunk it got you and how fabulous it really tasted.
You are much fatter than you imagine.
Don't worry about AIDS. Or worry, but know that sex with a condom is about
as exciting as trying to shave the hair off of your grandfather's back.
The real joys in your life are apt to be animals that run in front of your
speeding car, the kind that you blindside at 4 PM on some idle highway.
Do one thing every day that scares your mother.
Smoke.
Don't be reckless with other people's genitals. Don't put up with people who
are reckless with yours.
Convulse.
Don't waste your time on reading. Sometimes you're bored, sometimes you're
dozing off. Books are long and, usually, there's something good on MTV.
Remember phone numbers of hot girls you meet. Forget those of ugly ones.
If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old condoms. Throw away your bills.
Spit.
Feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The
least
interesting people I know work at the GAP and probably will for the rest of
their lives. Some of the most interesting people I know dance at strip bars.
Get plenty of sex. Be kind to your pants. You'll miss them when they're gone.
Maybe you'll marry, probably you won't. Maybe you'll have children,
maybe
you're infertile. Maybe you'll divorce at 40 and dance on your dead wife's
grave after you kill her.
Whatever you do, don't touch yourself too much, or
give an enema to yourself either. Your choices are half-witted. So are your
thoughts.
"Enjoy" your body. "Enjoy" it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of
what other people think of your "enjoying" it. It's the greatest instrument
you'll ever own.
Vomit, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.
Read the Kama Sutra, even if you don't follow it. Do not read The Bible. It will only make you feel sick.
Get to know your dentists. You never know when they'll give you an extra dose of nitrous oxide.
Be nice to your pimps. They're your best link to prostitutes and the people most likely to be there for you in the middle of
the night.
Work hard to bridge the gap between East Coast and West Coast, because the
worse this gets, the more Tupacs and Biggies we'll lose.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard.
Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Accept certain inalienable truths:
Skirts will rise.
Obese people will smell.
You, too, will get old.
And when you do, you'll fantasize that when
you were young, firm teens would have sex with you, you didn't have nose hair, and you had the potential to be as successful as your elders.
Make fun of your elders.
Don't expect a lacy bra to support you. Maybe you have a great rack.
Maybe
you had a boob job. But you never know when either one will begin to
sag.
Don't mess too much with your niece or nephew or by the time you're 40 you'll be locked away in prison.
Be careful whose drugs you buy, but be patient with those who supply them.
Crack is a form of cocaine. Dispensing it is a way of fishing your head from the disposal, wiping it off, getting your ugly ass back on the street and selling it to perverted slobs for more than it's worth.
But trust me on the leather pants.
This page is satirical in nature. It is not meant to offend, promote, justify or condone.
