Chapter 8. American Manners
Much has been written and more said about American manners,
or rather the American lack of manners. Americans have frequently
been criticized for their bad breeding, and many sarcastic references
to American deportment have been made in my presence. I have even been told,
I do not know how true it is, that European diplomats dislike being stationed
in America, because of their aversion to the American way of doing things.
Much too has been written and said about Chinese manners,
not only by foreigners but also by Chinese. One of the classics,
which our youth have to know by heart, is practically devoted
entirely to manners. There has also been much adverse criticism
of our manners or our excess of manners, though I have never heard
that any diplomats have, on this account, objected to being sent to China.
We Chinese are therefore in the same boat as the Americans.
In regard to manners neither of us find much favor with foreigners,
though for diametrically opposite reasons: the Americans are accused
of observing too few formalities, and we of being too formal.
The Americans are direct and straight-forward. They will tell you
to your face that they like you, and occasionally they also have
very little hesitation in telling you that they do not like you.
They say frankly just what they think. It is immaterial to them
that their remarks are personal, complimentary or otherwise.
I have had members of my own family complimented on their good looks
as if they were children. In this respect Americans differ greatly
from the English. The English adhere with meticulous care
to the rule of avoiding everything personal. They are very much afraid
of rudeness on the one hand, and of insincerity or flattery on the other.
Even in the matter of such a harmless affair as a compliment to a foreigner
on his knowledge of English, they will precede it with a request for pardon,
and speak in a half-apologetic manner, as if complimenting
were something personal. The English and the Americans are closely related,
they have much in common, but they also differ widely,
and in nothing is the difference more conspicuous than in their conduct.
I have noticed curiously enough that English Colonials,
especially in such particulars as speech and manners,
follow their quondam sister colony, rather than the mother country.
And this, not only in Canada, where the phenomenon might
be explained by climatic, geographic, and historic reasons,
but also in such antipodean places as Australia and South Africa,
which are so far away as to apparently have very little in common
either with America or with each other. Nevertheless, whatever the reason,
the transplanted Englishman, whether in the arctics or the tropics,
whether in the Northern or the Southern Hemisphere,
seems to develop a type quite different from the original stock,
yet always resembling his fellow emigrants.
The directness of Americans is seen not only in what they say
but in the way they say it. They come directly to the point,
without much preface or introduction, much less is there any circumlocution
or "beating about the bush". When they come to see you they say their say
and then take their departure, moreover they say it in the most terse,
concise and unambiguous manner. In this respect what a contrast they are
to us! We always approach each other with preliminary greetings.
Then we talk of the weather, of politics or friends, of anything, in fact,
which is as far as possible from the object of the visit.
Only after this introduction do we broach the subject uppermost in our minds,
and throughout the conversation polite courtesies are exchanged
whenever the opportunity arises. These elaborate preludes and interludes may,
to the strenuous ever-in-a-hurry American, seem useless and superfluous,
but they serve a good purpose. Like the common courtesies
and civilities of life they pave the way for the speakers,
especially if they are strangers; they improve their tempers,
and place them generally on terms of mutual understanding.
It is said that some years ago a Foreign Consul in China,
having a serious complaint to make on behalf of his national,
called on the Taotai, the highest local authority in the port.
He found the Chinese official so genial and polite that
after half an hour's conversation, he advised the complainant
to settle the matter amicably without troubling the Chinese officials
about the matter. A good deal may be said in behalf of both systems.
The American practice has at least the merit of saving time,
an all important object with the American people. When we recall
that this remarkable nation will spend millions of dollars
to build a tunnel under a river, or to shorten a curve in a railroad,
merely that they may save two or three minutes, we are not surprised
at the abruptness of their speech. I, as a matter of fact,
when thinking of their time-saving and abrupt manner of address,
have been somewhat puzzled to account for that peculiar drawl of theirs.
Very slowly and deliberately they enunciate each word and syllable
with long-drawn emphasis, punctuating their sentences with pauses,
some short and some long. It is almost an effort to follow a story
of any length -- the beginning often becomes cold before the end is reached.
It seems to me that if Americans would speed up their speech after the fashion
of their English cousins, who speak two or three times as quickly,
they would save many minutes every day, and would find the habit
not only more efficacious, but much more economical than many
of their time-saving machines and tunnels. I offer this suggestion
to the great American nation for what it is worth, and I know
they will receive it in the spirit in which it is made,
for they have the saving sense of humor.
Some people are ridiculously sensitive. Some years ago, at a certain place,
a big dinner was given in honor of a notable who was passing through
the district. A Chinese, prominent in local affairs, who had received
an invitation, discovered that though he would sit among the honored guests
he would be placed below one or two whom he thought he ought to be above,
and who, he therefore considered, would be usurping his rightful position.
In disgust he refused to attend the dinner, which, excepting for what
he imagined was a breach of manners, he would have been very pleased
to have attended. Americans are much more sensible.
They are not a bit sensitive, especially in small matters.
Either they are broad-minded enough to rise above unworthy trifles,
or else their good Americanism prevents their squabbling
over questions of precedence, at the dinner table or elsewhere.
Americans act up to their Declaration of Independence,
especially the principle it enunciates concerning the equality of man.
They lay so much importance on this that they do not confine its application
to legal rights, but extend it even to social intercourse. In fact,
I think this doctrine is the basis of the so-called American manners.
All men are deemed socially equal, whether as friend and friend,
as President and citizen, as employer and employee, as master and servant,
or as parent and child. Their relationship may be such
that one is entitled to demand, and the other to render,
certain acts of obedience, and a certain amount of respect,
but outside that they are on the same level. This is doubtless a rebellion
against all the social ideas and prejudices of the old world,
but it is perhaps only what might be looked for in a new country,
full of robust and ambitious manhood, disdainful of all traditions
which in the least savor of monarchy or hierarchy, and eager to blaze
as new a path for itself in the social as it has succeeded
in accomplishing in the political world. Combined with this
is the American characteristic of saving time. Time is precious to all of us,
but to Americans it is particularly so. We all wish to save time,
but the Americans care much more about it than the rest of us.
Then there are different notions about this question of saving time,
different notions of what wastes time and what does not,
and much which the old world regards as politeness and good manners
Americans consider as sheer waste of time. Time is, they think,
far too precious to be occupied with ceremonies which appear
empty and meaningless. It can, they say, be much more profitably filled
with other and more useful occupations. In any discussion of American manners
it would be unfair to leave out of consideration their indifference
to ceremony and their highly developed sense of the value of time,
but in saying this I do not forget that many Americans are devout ritualists,
and that these find both comfort and pleasure in ceremony,
which suggests that after all there is something to be said for the Chinese
who have raised correct deportment almost to the rank of a religion.
The youth of America have not unnaturally caught the spirit of their elders,
so that even children consider themselves as almost on a par
with their parents, as almost on the same plane of equality;
but the parents, on the other hand, also treat them as if they were equals,
and allow them the utmost freedom. While a Chinese child
renders unquestioning obedience to his parents' orders,
such obedience as a soldier yields to his superior officer,
the American child must have the whys and the wherefores
duly explained to him, and the reason for his obedience made clear.
It is not his parent that he obeys, but expediency and the dictates of reason.
Here we see the clear-headed, sound, common-sense business man in the making.
The early training of the boy has laid the foundation for the future man.
The child too has no compunction in correcting a parent even before strangers,
and what is stranger still the parent accepts the correction in good part,
and sometimes even with thanks. A parent is often interrupted
in the course of a narrative, or discussion, by a small piping voice,
setting right, or what it believes to be right, some date, place, or fact,
and the parent, after a word of encouragement or thanks, proceeds.
How different is our rule that a child is not to speak until spoken to!
In Chinese official life under the old regime it was not etiquette
for one official to contradict another, especially when
they were unequal in rank. When a high official expressed views
which his subordinates did not endorse, they could not candidly
give their opinion, but had to remain silent. I remember that
some years ago some of my colleagues and I had an audience
with a very high official, and when I expressed my dissent
from some of the views of that high functionary, he rebuked me severely.
Afterward he called me to him privately, and spoke to me somewhat as follows:
"What you said just now was quite correct. I was wrong,
and I will adopt your views, but you must not contradict me
in the presence of other people. Do not do it again."
There is of course much to be said for and against each system,
and perhaps a blend of the two would give good results.
Anyhow, we can trace in American customs that spirit of equality
which pervades the whole of American society, and observe the germs
of self-reliance and independence so characteristic of Americans,
whether men, women, or children.
Even the domestic servant does not lose this precious American heritage
of equality. I have nothing to say against that worthy individual,
the American servant (if one can be found); on the contrary,
none is more faithful or more efficient. But in some respects he is unique
among the servants of the world. He does not see that there is any inequality
between him and his master. His master, or should I say, his employer,
pays him certain wages to do certain work, and he does it,
but outside the bounds of this contract, they are still man and man,
citizen and citizen. It is all beautifully, delightfully legal.
The washerwoman is the "wash-lady", and is just as much a lady
as her mistress. The word "servant" is not applied to domestics,
"help" is used instead, very much in the same way that Canada and Australia
are no longer English "colonies", but "self-governing dominions".
We of the old world are accustomed to regard domestic service
as a profession in which the members work for advancement,
without much thought of ever changing their position.
A few clever persons may ultimately adopt another profession,
and, according to our antiquated conservative ways of thinking,
rise higher in the social scale, but, for the large majority,
the dignity of a butler, or a housekeeper is the height of ambition,
the crowning point in their career. Not so the American servant.
Strictly speaking there are no servants in America. The man, or the woman
as the case may be, who happens for the moment to be your servant,
is only servant for the time being. He has no intention
of making domestic service his profession, of being a servant
for the whole of his life. To have to be subject to the will of others,
even to the small extent to which American servants are subordinate,
is offensive to an American's pride of citizenship, it is contrary to
his conception of American equality. He is a servant only for the time,
and until he finds something better to do. He accepts a menial position
only as a stepping stone to some more independent employment.
Is it to be wondered at that American servants have different manners
from their brethren in other countries? When foreigners find
that American servants are not like servants in their own country,
they should not resent their behavior: it does not denote disrespect,
it is only the outcrop of their natural independence and aspirations.
All titles of nobility are by the Constitution expressly forbidden.
Even titles of honor or courtesy are but rarely used. "Honorable" is used
to designate members of Congress; and for a few Americans, such as
the President and the Ambassadors, the title "Excellency" is permitted. Yet,
whether it is because the persons entitled to be so addressed do not think
that even these mild titles are consistent with American democracy,
or because the American public feels awkward in employing such stilted
terms of address, they are not often used. I remember that on one occasion
a much respected Chief Executive, on my proposing, in accordance with
diplomatic usage and precedent, to address him as "Your Excellency",
begged me to substitute instead "Mr. President". The plain democratic "Mr."
suits the democratic American taste much better than any other title,
and is applied equally to the President of the Republic and to his coachman.
Indeed the plain name John Smith, without even "Mr.", not only gives
no offense, where some higher title might be employed, but fits just as well,
and is in fact often used. Even prominent and distinguished men
do not resent nicknames; for example, the celebrated person
whose name is so intimately connected with that delight
of American children and grown-ups -- the "Teddy Bear".
This characteristic, like so many other American characteristics,
is due not only to the love of equality and independence,
but also to the dislike of any waste of time.
In countries where there are elaborate rules of etiquette
concerning titles and forms of address, none but a Master of Ceremonies
can hope to be thoroughly familiar with them, or to be able
to address the distinguished people without withholding from them
their due share of high-sounding titles and epithets;
and, be it whispered, these same distinguished people,
however broad-minded and magnanimous they may be in other respects,
are sometimes extremely sensitive in this respect.
And even after one has mastered all the rules and forms,
and can appreciate and distinguish the various nice shades which exist
between "His Serene Highness", "His Highness", "His Royal Highness",
and "His Imperial Highness", or between "Rt. Rev." and "Most Rev.",
one has yet to learn what titles a particular person has,
and with what particular form of address he should be approached,
an impossible task even for a Master of Ceremonies,
unless he always has in his pocket a Burke's Peerage to tell him who's who.
What a waste of time, what an inconvenience, and what an unnecessary amount
of irritation and annoyance all this causes. How much better
to be able to address any person you meet simply as Mr. So-and-So,
without unwittingly treading on somebody's sensitive corns!
Americans have shown their common sense in doing away with titles altogether,
an example which the sister Republic of China is following.
An illustrious name loses nothing for having to stand by itself
without prefixes and suffixes, handles and tails. Mr. Gladstone
was no less himself for not prefixing his name with Earl,
and the other titles to which it would have entitled him,
as he could have done had he not declined the so-called honor.
Indeed, like the "Great Commoner", he, if that were possible,
endeared himself the more to his countrymen because of his refusal. A name,
which is great without resorting to the borrowed light of titles and honors,
is greater than any possible suffix or affix which could be appended to it.
In conclusion, American manners are but an instance or result of
the two predominant American characteristics to which I have already referred,
and which reappear in so many other things American.
A love of independence and of equality, early inculcated,
and a keen abhorrence of waste of time, engendered by the conditions
and circumstances of a new country, serve to explain practically all
the manners and mannerisms of Americans. Even the familiar spectacle
of men walking with their hands deep in their trousers' pockets,
or sitting with their legs crossed needs no other explanation,
and to suggest that, because Americans have some habits
which are peculiarly their own, they are either inferior or unmanly,
would be to do them a grave injustice.
Few people are more warm-hearted, genial, and sociable than the Americans.
I do not dwell on this, because it is quite unnecessary. The fact
is perfectly familiar to all who have the slightest knowledge of them.
Their kindness and warmth to strangers are particularly pleasant,
and are much appreciated by their visitors. In some other countries,
the people, though not unsociable, surround themselves with so much reserve
that strangers are at first chilled and repulsed, although there are
no pleasanter or more hospitable persons anywhere to be found
when once you have broken the ice, and learned to know them;
but it is the stranger who must make the first advances,
for they themselves will make no effort to become acquainted,
and their manner is such as to discourage any efforts on the part
of the visitor. You may travel with them for hours in the same car,
sit opposite to them, and all the while they will shelter themselves
behind a newspaper, the broad sheets of which effectively prohibit
any attempts at closer acquaintance. The following instance,
culled from a personal experience, is an illustration. I was a law student
at Lincoln's Inn, London, where there is a splendid law library for the use
of the students and members of the Inn. I used to go there almost every day
to pursue my legal studies, and generally sat in the same quiet corner.
The seat on the opposite side of the table was usually occupied
by another law student. For months we sat opposite each other
without exchanging a word. I thought I was too formal and reserved,
so I endeavored to improve matters by occasionally looking up at him
as if about to address him, but every time I did so he looked down
as though he did not wish to see me. Finally I gave up the attempt.
This is the general habit with English gentlemen. They will not speak
to a stranger without a proper introduction; but in the case I have mentioned
surely the rule would have been more honored by a breach
than by the observance. Seeing that we were fellow students,
it might have been presumed that we were gentlemen and on an equal footing.
How different are the manners of the American! You can hardly take a walk,
or go for any distance in a train, without being addressed by a stranger,
and not infrequently making a friend. In some countries
the fact that you are a foreigner only thickens the ice,
in America it thaws it. This delightful trait in the American character
is also traceable to the same cause as that which has helped us to explain
the other peculiarities which have been mentioned. To good Americans,
not only are the citizens of America born equal, but the citizens of the world
are also born equal.
Chapter 7 Chapter 9
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