April 19, 1997

Another week has passed for us. There have been a few rough moments but then that is to be expected. My personal worst-best day was Thursday the 17th. I was by the main reception desk when one of the sales reps congratulated me. I asked what for and was told that at the March managers meeting I had been named employee of the month for April. Even though this is quite an accomplishment in our company of 170 employees,and I know they had voted on this before mom died, still I had a lot of sad times that day. Mom would have been so proud...

On Sunday we had dad up for dinner and a movie. We all had a good time, but I know going home to that empty house really bothers him. We still haven't made any solid plans as to what we'll be doing in the long run. We're just taking things one day at a time.

April 27, 1997

Sunday of another week. Yesterday was beautiful, and today holds the promise of being even better.

This past week I finally went to pick up a lay away I had started when mom was still with us. A Plantation pattern cast iron bistro set. In other words a small table with 2 chairs. We had thought it would be perfect on my front porch. (and it is). We here in New England are lucky to have our seasons even if we don't realize it. Actually the year here is not unlike a single day unfolding. Winter is a time of rest not unlike the night. Spring is morning a time of awakening. Summer is day time when we work to create things. Autumn is the evening when we take stock of the days efforts and prepare for sleep. I guess I was thinking of that while I was driving home looking at the spring flowers, the trees, and shrubs and admiring all the colors the season was creating. This brought to mind something mom used to say, how the trees had "that little red glow" See, there are a lot of Maple trees here abouts and in spring the buds are deep red. After a long winter, when we all get anxious for the arrival of warmer weather "that little red glow" is a sure sign...

May 1, 1997

May Day, or Beltane, depending on where your faith lies. Spring is really here. The perennial garden that runs the length of our house on the South-East side is all cleaned and looking good. The Wild Violets and Bleeding Heart are both in blossom. The peas are up in the garden and lettuce was planted this past weekend. Spring bulbs are vying for attention on the other side of the yard. Life goes on here as it does in many parts of the world. Happy spring, May Love and Light guide your path Here and Everywhere, Now and Always...

May 3, 1997

The test results on Mom are finally in, and it was blood clots that entered both her heart and lungs that caused her death. More important though than the cause was the additional contributing factors. Things that ordinary pre-admission testing did not and would not have discovered. Mom's heart arteries were almost totally blocked with deposits. One 90% blocked. She had other problems as well but this was the most important in this instance. Mom had always lived life on the edge, she was a risk-taker who played the long shot and often won. But sometimes she lost... She did what she liked in life as much as she could, though there were a lot of things she never got to do, places she never went, things she never saw. Partly as a result of those never to be things and her frustration at not being able to accomplish more than she did, Mom liked to drink. Obviously a little to much because that's the primary cause of her clogged arteries. Knowing the how, and that everything that could have been done was, makes understanding a little easier for those of us she left behind, but we still miss her. The next few weeks is going to be very tough as Mothers Day approaches closely followed by Mom's Birthday on June 1st. Dad is looking for a smaller place and deciding what he wants to keep and what to store or sell. There are a lot of bills to be settled and things to be taken care of. Dad seems to be holding up OK but I know being alone bothers him more than he lets on. He's a survivor though and I think he'll be alright. I'm doing OK myself, writing is how I come to terms with things. I know that Mom is with us still in things she left behind, her house plants, the way she did things, memories that will live with us always. I believe that as we remember a spirit that has passed on, they still live within the mind of the person who thinks of them. We don't know all that much about what really happens after death so who can say that you don't touch that persons spirit with your own...even if only in your mind.

May 11, 1997

Spring is pressing on toward summer here in the North-Eastern United States and life has settled back into a sort of routine. I do miss shopping with Mom on Saturdays, having the light on my answering machine blinking when I get in the house, and having her call 3 times to tell me the same thing. I won't miss the way she acted when she drank to much, the way she tried to make decisions for me, or push me into doing something I really didn't want to do. I'm going to celebrate her life because in the end she lived it her way. Well this is Mother's Day and if Mom was still here I'd have some kind of little gift for her and we'd be spending the day together. I can't do that anymore at least not on this plane of existence. I'm not really sure where we go when we die, but I'd like to think some awareness still exists between here and there. To that end I'm going to say...

Happy Mother's Day Mom, Where ever you are... I love you...

May 31, 1997

Well May is over and tomorrow is June 1st...sigh...a day I've not been looking forward to. Tomorrow is Mom's Birthday. She would have been 66. Actually not very old by todays standards or by our family history. We have been a long-lived group averaging 90 years for the most part with a few exceptions here and there. There is one relative who lived to 106. All in all you can say that I was planning to have about 20 more years for us to try each others patience before I would have to worry about her dying. But then life usually doesn't go as we expect does it. I'm sure in the vast plan of the cosmos there is some reason for this and that some day it will all make more sense. till then those of us still here miss Mom. I was shopping the other day and I saw one of those decorative flags you hang outside the house that would have made a great Christmas gift for Mom. While going through her things a couple weeks back we found bags of gifts she had already bought for this comming year. My husband asked me what I was going to do with them and I told him...just what Mom intended to do with them. Give them out at Christmas. The answer isn't so simple for me, and what I'm going to do with what I have, that I would have given her... I hope to be able to scan some of her garden photos this week as a birthday gift for Mom. She won't be planting things with us any more but we would like to share her past pleasures with you here. Perhaps the feelings of sharing the love and beauty of plants which she passed on will some how pass to her where ever she is now.

June 1, 1997

Ray and I have invited Dad up for the day. We plan to spend it celebrating your life, not mourning your death. We'll share some good memories, have some food and make plans for the future. Dad's doing OK considering. We do all miss you a lot still, and days like today do hurt, more than I'd like to admit...

Happy Birthday Day Mom, we still love you ...a lot...

June 7, 1997

Well I've finally got some photos scanned but to save some time in loading this page I decided to put them on the main photo page for the site. So if you'd be interested in seeing what Dad looks like, as well as Rebecca (my parents English Springer Spaniel) Amanda (their cat) and pictures of things Mom and Dad enjoyed together please check out

July 30, 1997

Summer is marching on and we have been busy with work and out-door projects. Hallmark had the rollout for the 1997 Christmas Ornaments. The opening weekend was always something Mom and I enjoyed together. This year I had to go alone. This is the first year in a long time I won't be buying the Mom & Dad ornament. Dad hasn't talked about going to the Big "E" our Eastern States Exposition, County Fair to the New England States. There are a whole group of holidays creeping closer every day. None of us has been sitting around the house brooding on being without Mom, missing her just sneeks up on you when you least expect it. The site won it's first Award yesterday, she would have been so happy for me. With all the problems, trials and tribulations we went through as Mother & Daughter, she still left a legacy of love. Perhaps those that knew our family would find that statement odd. But people would have to understand, she loved very deeply, but it was in her own way.
I'm just glad I matured enough to understand that during our life together.

September 15, 1997

I have avoided writing anything here because when I have thought about it I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Well I thought it was high time I got back to it and tried to get my thoughts together for the holiday season. I don't know why but I feel compelled to go over to the card store and continue the Mother & Dad series of ornaments I started for Mom some years ago. I know some people would say that I was refusing to let go of her memory. But where is it written that we have to give up our memories? And I would wonder if we could be allowed to choose those that we want to forget and keep the ones we want. I for one would love to get through a week of shopping without rounding the end of a grocery asile and seeing a woman about my Mom's age and size, with the same color hair and having to look twice even though I know she is gone. We decided not to go to the Eastern States Exposition this year. I'll invite Dad up for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Egad the holidays are getting so close. I'd like to show Dad Mom's page, her little node on the web. He hasn't seen it yet, I don't know if he will want to or not. I know I still cry when I read parts of it. I guess because I relive certain aspects of her death each week. The night before Mom died was payday. I cashed my check as usual and went to BJ's Warehouse to shop. I was looking forward to a few weeks from then when Mom and I could shop there together. I still do the same thing each Thursday. Shopping together was a way for us to spend time together, we would talk have lunch, and get the marketing done too. Neither of us really enjoyed shopping it was a necessary evil, but somehow doing it with someone else made it more pleasant. I really miss her there, I guess that's why I keep seeing her there, in the stores and malls, because it seems so natural.

February 6, 1998

The Holidays are thankfully over. Christmas was especially tough. Mom really loved Christmas. Her last one was less than spectacular. Mom & Dad were in the process of moving to Connecticut and didn't even get a tree. I never remember a time when Mom didn't have a tree. But with all the confusion and mess of moving she decided to put it off till the following year. They spent the Holiday with us and shared our tree. This year Dad just couldn't bring himself to set up a tree...maybe next year when things get familiar in an unfamiliar way. I can't imagine going home to an empty house every day. Still Dad isn't sitting around feeling sorry for himself, at least not all the time. He gets out with friends and does things to keep busy. Becky and Amanda didn't understand why Mom never came home, but they seem to have gotten adjusted to her absence. At least they have stopped looking for her when someone comes to house, I wish we could have explained to them... But then how does one really come to understand death anyway? let alone explain it.

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