They reached his quarters, and to
her surprise, he led her inside. She said nothing, but walked over to sit
beside him on the couch, and waited.
"Deanna, what's wrong, I'm
beginning to worry about you. You haven't been yourself at all lately.
She started to object to his
statement, but then she looked at him and the words died in her throat. She
couldn't lie to him, he knew her far too well for that. And he really was
worried, she could sense that. Still, telling the whole truth at this point was
out of the question. How could she risk jeopardizing the friendship it had
taken them so long to build, to accept? "I don't know....I just can't
sleep anymore, and even when I do..." She let the sentence trail off in
quiet tears.
Will acted on instinct and pulled
her close. He wanted nothing more than to help her through whatever was
happening to her, but he wasn't sure how he could. So, for right now, he offered the only thing he could -- himself.
"Shhh...It's ok, it doesn't matter right now. Just close your eyes."
Her first thought was to resist. Bad
enough the dreams should haunt her in his absence, what if it happened now?
What if, somehow, he knew? But the argument was lost before it was really
begun, as her eyes closed of their own accord, and she allowed the comfort of
his presence to lull her into the first real sleep she had known in weeks.
Will watched her sleep, somehow
knowing that he would not sleep this night. Instead, he simply continued to
watch her, something he hadn't done in years. Something he missed. And all at
once, he could see clearly, how his life should be.
* *
*
She opened her eyes slowly,
wondering what time it was....and more importantly, where she was. Before she
had time to even begin to taken in her surroundings, his voice broke through
the haze in her thoughts.
"You're up I see." She spun around, her eyes wide. Will
smiled broadly. "You look like you've seen a ghost, I'm not as bad as all
that, am I?" At the slow shake of her head he laughed, the richness of the
sound warming a chill inside that she hadn't even realized was there. "You
don't remember coming here, do you?" This time he didn't wait for a
response. "Last night in Ten Forward, you were upset, exhausted. You said
you hadn't been able to sleep, and I don't know I guess I thought the friendly
company would help somehow." He finished the statement with that smile he
had, and she found herself wondering if she was still dreaming.
"Thank you." She managed
finally. "I do remember a little, but I was so exhausted reality was
starting to blur a bit." She shook her head, knowing how it all must have
sounded to him. She could feel his concern, and she knew whatever questions had
been set aside for last night would have to be answered. She only hoped she
knew what those answers were.
Finally, he sat beside her, taking
her hand in his. "Deanna, this isn't like you at all. I'm worried about
you. I've never seen you so...." He trailed off, unsure of how to adequately
describe the changes he had seen in the woman he knew better that anyone else
in the world. Hell, he wasn't even sure an adequate description existed.
"Will, I know you're concerned,
frankly, for a while there so was I. But I really do feel better now that I
have finally been able to get some sleep. I'd been having trouble getting to
sleep, and things got a little farther out of hand than I would have liked,
that's all really. I don't know how to thank you for what you did last night,
but I have a feeling that I'm horribly late already. I should go now." She
moved to stand, but the slight pressure of Will's hand on her arm made her
stop.
"Forget about your schedule,
the captain has already ordered you off duty for the day." At the flash of
anger in her eyes he hurried to explain. "Beverly had already talked to
him before I had the chance. God, Deanna we're all just worried about you. Talk
to me, please.
The anger that had begun to well up
inside of her vanished almost as quickly as it had come when she heard the
quiet plea in his voice. As much as she disliked it when people tried to run
her life for her, she knew that they had all had good reasons to react the way
they had. In any of their shoes she would more than likely have done the same
thing. And she knew that Will was feeling....scared. That did it. Almost
nothing could bake will feel what she was feeling from him now, and the fact
that she had done it to him hit her like a blast of cold air. She had to tell
him...but how?
"Will, I....I know you worried.
But it really isn't as bad as it seems. I've had some trouble sleeping, mostly
because I've been trying to avoid it." She smiled slightly, at his
confused look and continued. "I'd been having dreams i'd rather have avoided,
and ended up avoiding sleep. It was stupid on my part, but I didn't want to
make more of it than necessary."
Will reached up and brushed a stray
curl from her face, his concern turning slowly to curiosity.
"Nightmares?"
"Not really," she said,
knowing she would confuse him further, but unsure of how else to explain what
it was she was feeling, short of the whole truth anyway. "Good dreams,
mostly."
Will blinked. "I wasn't aware
good dreams were something to be avoided."
Deanna laughed softly. "They
aren't. At least not until you have to face waking up." She finished with
a sad smile that struck him in a way he hadn't expected.
"I'm sorry." The statement
shouldn't have made sense under the circumstances, and yet, somehow it did. He
stared at her until he saw something in her eyes change. Then as if it had been
something he was waiting for, but without knowing exactly what he was doing, he
leaned forward and kissed her.
Deanna started slightly, but didn't
hesitate. If this was another dream, she might as well enjoy it while it
lasted. She found herself once again lost in the moment, until she felt him
start to pull back. ~ No, not yet not again...~ The thought left her mind of
it's own accord, and from his reaction, she knew he had heard it.
Will started to pull away, shocked
at his own behavior. But, then he heard her. She was pleading, almost panicked.
He acted it the only way he knew how, pulling her closer into his embrace and
deepening the kiss even farther.
Ultimately, Will pulled back first.
He sat where he was, stunned. Regardless of what he had been feeling these past
months, he had sworn to himself that Deanna would never know. And now he had
broken that promise to himself, possibly changing his future forever. The last
thing he had ever wanted was to put their relationship, such as it was, at
risk. And yet he wondered, could he have imagined.....
Deanna was frozen. What had she just
done? Revealing her heart in this way, in a way that she knew could only find
an answer in dreams. But he had begun this, maybe there was more? A possibility
of something beyond the dreams?
Neither moved for what seemed like
an eternity. Finally, Will spoke. "I'm sorry," he repeated his earlier
words, now sounding more confused than sorry. And oddly, Deanna realized, they
made less sense then they had before.
Deanna shook her head slowly.
"No...no, don't be, I -- well, things seem to be getting the better of me
lately. I shouldn't have let...."
She ended abruptly, without ever
truly finishing her thought, and Will looked up quizzically, but in the end let
it pass. "I know." He said quietly.
Deanna looked up sharply.
"What?"
"I know what you mean about
things getting the better of you. I'm beginning to feel the same way myself.
Seems like the only time I find to concentrate is when I'm asleep -- for
whatever that's worth." He laughed at the irony of that, but stopped when
he realized Deanna wasn't listening. Instead she was staring at him so
intently, Will wondered if she was look at him, or through him.
"Deanna?"
"I need to go," she said
slowly. Without waiting for his response she stood and headed for the door.
Halfway through the door, she stopped. "No, No damn it, I refuse to do
this again."
She turned on him, moving angrily
back into the room. "Do you realize," she asked incredulously,
"that in eleven years on this ship, you and I have probably never had a
completely honest conversation? Why IS that? What the hell are we so afraid
of?"
Will was astonished, and at a loss
for where Deanna's sudden outburst had come from. Not that he didn't share
those feelings, he did. He just hadn't expected her to have them, or more
importantly, to voice them in such a....well, hostile way. Quite frankly, it
wasn't like Deanna to behave this way at all. But then, most of her behavior
over the past several weeks had been decidedly out of character. Now, he wondered,
could those two facts be related?
"OK, Deanna," he responded
cautiously. "If you want to talk about this, we can, but you're the one
not giving me the whole story here."
Her eyes flashed dangerously. "All right, fine. You want the WHOLE story? You got it. How's this for the whole story -- I've spent weeks practically going out of my mind, why? Because I can't sleep -- because you won't get the hell out of my head!!!"