Some things to say or do when you wake up to your Roomate having SEX:
10) "Holy Whips and Chains, Batman!"
9) "Mind if I join you?"
8) "I didn't know the Human Body could bend that way!"
7) "You sure are limber......"
6) Pick up the remote, point it at them and click it a few times;
then complain when they don't change positions.
5) Hide their clothes, then go back to sleep.
4) Grab a bag of chips and a soda. Then sit back, relax,
and enjoy the show!
3) Make up score cards--'A-La-Olympics' and hold them up.
2) Throw their clothes out the window.
1) Get a pitcher of COLD water from the bathroom and
pour it on them!
Some reasons Teddy Bears are Better Than Men:
1) Teddy Bears are happy to snuggle all night long.
2) Teddy Bears rarely have prickly whiskers.
3) Teddy Bears always keep your secrets.
4) Teddy Bears can hug for long periods of time.
5) Teddy Bears usually smell nice and are always soft & cuddly.
6) Teddy Bears are perfectly willing to make long-term commitments.
7) Teddy Bears sleep soundly without, wriggling around, snoring,
and hogging all the covers.
8) Teddy Bears are not often jealous of other Teddy Bears.
9) Teddy Bears aren't only interested in SEX.
10) Only once in a Blue Moon will a Teddy Bear break your heart.
11) Teddy Bears LIKE it when you wear flannel nightgowns.
12) Most Teddy Bears don't hog the whole bed.
13) Teddy Bears NEVER stand up their dates.
14) Teddy Bears are happy to stay loyally in you bed when
you are away.
15) Teddy Bears ALWAYS like your friends.
16) Teddy Bears invariably understand when you have a headache.
17) Teddy Bears don't require home cooked meals.
18) Teddy Bears never make fun of your anxieties.
19) Teddy Bears never have cold hands or scratchy toenails.
20) Teddy Bears don't get suddenly amorous in the middle
of the night.
21) Teddy Bears love you just as much the morning after.
22) Teddy Bears have little anxiety about their abilities in bed.
23) Teddy Bears can't possibly get you into TROUBLE.
24) Teddy Bears don't mess up your apartment, and they generate
only modest amounts of laundry.
25) Teddy Bears are the safest, cuddliest people in the
Whole Wide World.
10 Reasons Why "Scooby Doo" Was a Drug-Influenced Cartoon:
1) Scooby and Shaggy were always being freaked out by ghosts
and ghouls, but no one else saw them before Scoob and Shaggy.
2) Scooby and Shaggy always had the munchies.
3) Shaggy always thought Scooby was talking and was the only
one who could hear him and understand him.
4) Scooby and Shaggy always fell into the trap that was intended
for the monster beacuse they were tripping over themselves and
couldn't see where they were going.
5) They were always deluded and warped by thinking they were
dressed up in some costumes and entertained the monster.
6) Shaggy always said "like" to the extreme, ie. "like ZOINKS,
Scoob, let's get outta here!" What's a zoink?
7) Scooby and Shaggy were always the ones on the back of the van
(doing who knows what).
8) They drove around in the MYSTERY MACHINE, which had that weird,
trippy design on the side.
9) Shaggy and Scooby were always giddy and laughing.
10) Look at Shaggy; the way he dressed, his goatee, etc., 'nuff said.
(Thanks to Dave for this funny commentary on "Scooby Doo"--
His webpage with this Scooby Doo Theory can be found at:
at http://www.cs.odu.edu/~johns_d/scooby/drug.shtml)
Girl Power!
A WOMAN'S PLACE IS IN THE HOUSE...AND IN THE SENATE!
MEN ARE LIKE TOILETS-EITHER OCCUPIED OR FULL OF SHIT.
MENopause
MENtal anxiety
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
Ever notice how all our problems seem to begin with MEN?
SURE, GOD MADE MEN BEFORE WOMEN, BUT EVERYONE HAS TO MAKE A ROUGH
DRAFT BEFORE A FINAL COPY!
GOD MADE RIVERS,
GOD MADE LAKES,
GOD MADE MEN,
WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES!!!!
OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK AS BUSY AS A MAN-I DID IT RIGHT
THE FIRST TIME!
MEN HAVE THE POWER TO DESTROY THE EARTH-BUT WOMEN
HAVE THE WISDOM TO SAVE IT!
IF WOMEN HAVE 2 CHROMOSOMES AND MEN HAVE ONLY ONE, THEN THAT MEANS
THAT WOMEN ARE 100% WOMEN AND MEN ARE 50% WOMEN.
I WISH MY MOM HAD TOLD ME THE SAME THING ABOUT MEN THAT SHE TOLD ME
ABOUT HORROR MOVIES WHEN I WAS FIVE-DON'T WORRY HONEY-IT'S ALL FAKE!
NEVER CRY OVER A GUY!
BEHIND EVERY GREAT MAN IS A GREATER WOMAN.
YOU HAVE TO KISS A LOT OF FROGS BEFORE YOU KISS A PRINCE.
WHEN GOD MADE MEN, HE WAS ONLY KIDDING!
GOD MADE DINOSAURS,
GOD DESTROYED DINOSAURS.
GOD CREATED MAN,
MAN DESTROYS GOD.
MAN CREATES DINOSAURS,
DINOSAURS DESTROY MAN.....
WOMEN INHERIT THE EARTH!!!!!!
CHOCOLATE FOREVER!
Friends, the marshmallows in the Hot Chocolate of life!
If all else fails, try Chocolate.
The Four Basic Food Groups: Caffine, Chocolate, Sugar, and uh...SEX!
Anyone know an off-line reader for NESTLES.QWK?
At the top of the food chain sits Chocolate.
Chocolate (n.): See Ambrosia.
Chocolate isn't a food, it's a medicine--anti-depressant.
Empty Calories: A Hollow Chocolate Bunny?
Fact: Fourteen out of every ten people like Chocolate.
In the cookies of life, Friends are the Chocolate Chips.
Given enough Chocolate and coffee, I could rule the World.
Great Chocolate: a redundant term.
Here, have some Chocolate. Feel better now?
Hot Fudge Sundae falls on a Tuesday this year!
Please note: If found unconscious, administer Chocolate.
What do cannibals eat for dessert? Chocolate-Covered-Aunts!
Chocolate is a zit's best friend.
If Chocolate is the answer, then the question is irrelevant.
Just give me the Chocolate, and no one will get hurt.
I love a man with Chocolate on his breath.
Topping tonight's stories: Chocolate Fudge!
Intergalactic Peace through Chocolate!
I have something BETTER than Chocolate.
Anyone know how to get Chocolate out of the toatser?
Dip it in Chocolate, it'll be fine.
Some like it Hot, some like it Cold, I like it Chocolate!
Seduced By The Dark Chocolate Side Of The Force.
Death....by Chocolate.
(Taken from http://www.wco.com/~erisx/taglines/choco.txt)
Given: Barney is a Cute Purple Dinosaur
Prove: Barney is Satan
1) Start With The Given CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR
2) Change All U's to V's CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR
(Which is Proper Latin Anyway)
3) Remove All Roman Numerals C V V L D I V
4) Convert Into Arabic Values 100 5 5 50 500 1 5
5) Add All The Numbers 666
Thus, Barney is the AntiChrist.
Rejected Dr. Seuss Titles:
The Cat In The Blender
Herbert The Pervert Likes Sherbert
Fox In Detox
Who Shat In The Hat?
Horton Hires A Ho
The Flesh-Eating Lorax
How The Grinch Stole Columbus Day
Your Colon Can Moo--Can You?
Zippy The Rabid Gerbil
One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
Marvin K. Mooney, Get The Fuck Out!
Are You My Proctologist?
Yentil The Lentil
My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
Aunts In My Pants
Oh, The PLaces You'll Scratch And Sniff!
Horton Fakes An Orgasm
The Grinch's Ten Inches
Blue Tang And Spam
The Cat In The Hat Meets Godzilla
In A Whore House
The Goat In The Coat
The Fart Book
Hop On Mom
Are You My Gynecologist?
Foreplay Friday
Dr. Seuss's X-Rated ABC Book
I Can't Get It Up Today!
Dr. Suess's Book Of Adult Nursery Rhymes And Limericks
