Hey

I'm not a lumberjack,
or a fur trader...
and I don't live in an igloo
or eat blubber, or own a dogsled...
and I don't know Jimmy, Sally or Suzy from Canada,
although I'm certain they're really, really nice

I have a Prime Minister,
not a President
I speak English and French,
NOT American
and I pronounce it 'ABOUT',
NOT 'A BOOT'

I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack
I believe in peacekeeping, NOT policing
DIVERSITY, NOT assimilation,
AND THAT THE BEAVER IS A TRULY PROUD AND NOBLE ANIMAL
A TOUQUE IS A HAT,
A CHESTERFIELD IS A COUCH,
AND IT IS PRONOUNCED 'ZED' NOT 'ZEE', 'ZED'!!!

CANADA IS THE SECOND LARGEST LANDMASS!
THE FIRST NATION OF HOCKEY!
AND THE BEST PART OF NORTH AMERICA!

MY NAME IS JOE!!
AND I AM CANADIAN!!!!!!!!

"Bill, the news on the Justice front looks bad.  Judge Jackson seems determined to bust us up.  I'm working on a contingency plan to keep the company together."

"What's that, Steve?"

"We'll move to Canada."

"Canada? What are you thinking of? I don't want to raise my family in that land of foul-mouthed barbarians."

"Bill, you're thinking of the movie South Park.  Terence and Philip don't really exist.  Canadians are some of the most decent people you could imagine.  And they don't have a habit of breaking up monopolies."

"Are there monopolies in Canada?"

"Many of them, but the federal agencies are toothless tigers.  There's no hard-driving Justice Department or Federal Trade Commission to interfere with our right to cut off Netscape's air supply.  I mean, our right to innovate."

"Where would we set up shop?"

"Propose we move about 20,000 of our people a couple of hours north, to the Vancouver area."

"Will we have everything we need in Canada to run our business?"

"We haven't had the time to check out all our suppliers, but we've looked at the critical ones."

"And...?"

"Starbucks is already well-established in Canada, so there'll be plenty of caffeine stimulants to keep our people going during those all-night pushes before a program is released.  We estimate the Vancouver-area price of Jolt Cola will double, until the company puts in more local manufacturing capacity."

"What about the solid bio-necessities?"

"There's a well-established fast food chain called Harvey's that makes a mean cheeseburger."

"And the fries?"

"The Canadians prefer something called poutine."

"Poo teen? What is that?"

"We're not exactly sure, but it seems to be some potato concoction with cheese curds and other ingredients."

"Sounds revolting! What's the weather like?"

"That checks out well.  Vancouver is just as rainy as Seattle.  It'll discourage programmers from wasting time outdoors, when they should be hard at work at their computers.  All our people will continue to have a healthy pallor, free of the ravages of sun-borne skin cancer."

"You know Steve, maybe moving to Canada isn't such a bad idea, after all.  But before our plan goes any further, I'd like some political assurances that we'd be welcome.  Get me the president of Canada!"

A few minutes later...

"Mr. President, thanks for agreeing to take my phone call.  As you've heard, we're considering resettling our business in Canada.  But before we do so, we'd like to know the Canadian position on splitting up Windows."

"A crack-up of windows would not work in Canada.  It gets cold up here in the winter.  We would support unbroken windows for sure to keep out the bad weather."

"Actually, the Windows we make is software."

"Oh soft wear! My wife, the briefs she bought for me last time are made in Korea.  Too hard and scratchy.  I want softer ones to wear, even better if they're made in Canada."

"Actually, President Chretien, we don't make things you wear, We develop programs."

"Even better, we need more good programs in Canada, especially for the CBC.  They've got to fill half an hour a day in local news."

"We don't produce news programs.  I'm Bill Gates, the head of Microsoft, the world's biggest computer software company.  Until recently.  I was the world's richest man."

"Oh, that Bill Gates.  Why didn't you say so? If you move to Canada, I guarantee you'd be the world's richest man again, overnight."

"How's that?"

"In Canadian money, you'd be worth an extra 15 or 20 billion dollars.  Hey, that would show that Larry Ellison!"

"I've heard about the high rate of income taxes in Canada."

"Oh, don't worry about that.  We give one family a tax break that saved them hundreds of millions, and they were moving out of Canada.  I'm sure we can do even better for a family moving in."

"What about security arrangements? We had a recent problem with protesters in Seattle that led to a full-scale riot.  Our company moving north could become a protest target.  What protection could you offer?"

"No problem, we have plenty of pepper here."

"Pepper? How could that help? I put in on my plate."

"Ho, Bill that's a good one! Listen, I know a lovely place for  your company in Shawinigan."

"Shawinigan, where's that?"

"That is in our beautiful province of Quebec."

"Quebec, is that still part of Canada? I heard they wanted to split from the rest of the country."

"Bill, we allow no split ups in Canada."

"No split ups.  Mr. President, we think alike on that score.  Isn't Quebec a French-speaking state?"

"Well, yes, but money is a universal language."

"Would that mean we'd have to speak French?"

"Oh, it's not so difficult to learn that language.  Even I know it.  You'd just have to change the name of your products slightly to fit with the law.

"I like the sound of Microsoft Fenêtres, don't you, Bill? Hello Bill? Are you still there?"

Martin Grove Collegiate Institute...M.G.C.I....York Memorial Collegiate Institute...Y.M.C.I....North Albion Collegiate Institute...N.A.C.I....Thistletown Collegiate Institute...T.C.I....Etobicoke Collegiate Institute...E.C.I.... West Humber Collegiate Institute...W.H.C.I....Scarlett Heights Institute of Technology...S.H.I....Houston, we have a problem!

Canada Post...I know I live here and have to put up with them, but that doesn't mean I have to like them. What's got me in a foul mood with them? Well their service sucks for one. Maybe not all the time, but when it takes 2+ weeks to have something sent to someone, it burns me up. And how come the US can have mail service on Saturdays and our postal service is closed on that day? Hello? What's going on people?

Working in conjunction with Canada Post is Canada Customs. Talk about the government ripping off people! If someone wants to send you a gift through the mail, you pretty much end up paying for the thing in the end. Our "wonderful" customs agency decides to open every package sent, going through it's contents and deciding for themselves whether or not they can make money off of you. The assess items and place a price on it using their judgment (who on earth would trust the judgment of government employees?) and if their judgment is greater than a certain price, they place a duty charge on it, on top of a 15% tax, and the receiver cannot get the item unless they pay these charges. Do you get the idea that we're over taxed in this country? As an insider, living in this country, all I have to say is Canada sucks so badly when it comes to taxes and services.