(Title: Tonight II: Today as any other (Part 2 of 3 Author: Jaime Lyn Email: LeiaMercury@msn.com OR LeiaMercry@AOL.com Rating: PG Category: S/R/A/H Spoilers: none that I can see Keywords: Mulder/Scully Romance Summary: When you're fighting your deepest feelings, it's never just another day at the office (Part 2 of 3) Disclaimer: Yeah, you guessed it. I still don't own them. Big surprise huh? Author's note* This is the second part. It takes place about a week after the first one. I hope you guys like it. Have fun. Tonight II: Today as any other By Jaime Lyn Please don't say I love you. Those words touch me much too deeply and they make my core tremble. I don't think you realize the effect you have over me. And please don't look at me like that. It just makes me want you near me. Always... ----Jewel, Near You Always Mulder is chewing on his pencil again, and I don't think I've ever been so annoyed in my life. I mean, ok, I guess I should be used to his "less than attractive" habits by now, but sometimes I just want to hurt him a little. Other times I just want to slug him. Now would have to be one of those "other" times. If only...Ok, if only he didn't look so cute with his mouth curled up like that, then I'd slug him for sure. Well, alright, maybe not "slug" exactly, but definitely something to do with my fist, his head, and a concussion. Even though he does look kind of cute--wait-no. I take that back. What am I saying?! Cute?! He looks kind of"cute"? What is this? The fifth grade?! What's wrong with me? Is it the coffee? Maybe I should've had the decaf... "Hey Scully? Scully? You alive over there? Hey! Earth to Agent Scully..." His voice interrupts my thoughts and I jump slightly, spilling my daily morning coffee all over the desk like an idiot. He's smiling at me, trying to control laughter as he speaks again, leaning back in his chair like the ruler of England. He looks so damn smug. "you were staring Scully. Something wrong, or are you just having impure thoughts?" His eyebrows waggle suggestively and he finally takes the moment to laugh, swiveling around in his desk chair. So smug... So smug... "About you Mulder? Please. That would be just downright 'spooky'". I hope he doesn't notice my flushed cheeks...My guilty expression... Oh god...Head down. Avert the eyes. Don't look at him. Good comeback though Dana... Good comeback... "Well they don't call me spooky for nothin' you know," he replies, and pops a sunflower seed in his mouth. They're sprawled all over his desk, a garbage pile as usual, and I watch as he shuffles files and papers of no particular importance from here to there. He looks slightly bored as some of them fall haphazardly from his desk. He looks to me occasionally and smiles, his hazel eyes sparkling under the light of our basement office. Lately they've been driving me crazy-his eyes that is. I think that maybe I'm afraid of what I see in them sometimes. The passion. The fire. The broken child behind them, longing always for the truth. They're what I admire most about him--What I'm so often drawn to-much like a moth to a flame. Sometimes those aspects of him are just so intense that it makes my pulse race, my heart beat out of control. It's a feeling I'm not too sure I welcome because I don't like losing control. I think I'm losing it now. He looks to me again...Oh god, that smile... It's rare that I see him like this, so cheerful and smiling, that I can't help but give into him and smile back. He's been like this a lot today, and it makes speculate as to why... why I catch him staring at me before he realizes that I see him... Why he's been blushing every time we're close, like there's some great secret he won't tell...why...Why is he looking down at my blouse? His grin spreads. My cheeks turn red. Oh god-does he see? Does he know that I-why...why is he looking at my-then it hits me. My blouse is soaked. The coffee, lukewarm from sitting all morning, is all over my blouse. I must not have been paying attention- Damn it. What once was white is now light brownish-beige. Hoow could I not have felt it? Terrific. Just great. Score one for me. "Shut up Mulder. Just shut up," I spit at him, disgusted by my own clumsiness and stupidity. "Does this mean you're going to ehhh...disrobe for me?" He asks, annoyingly amused and irritatingly smug, twirling his pencil between his thumb and index finger. More of his damned sunflower seeds fall to the floor. I want to hurl them at him. "Oh for godsakes Mulder, shut up. Just shut up." Angry and embarrassed, I swipe violently at my blouse. I need to get away from him or I'm going to kill him. Either that or I'm going to kiss him, and for some reason I just can't see that as any better than killing him. Hmmm...I think that maybe I should just give him a taste of his own medicine for once and be done with it. For all his irritating comments and teasing laughter, I should just shove it back in his face tenfold. What was that you said Mulder? Disrobe? I smile back at him, almost coldly. I know he'd never expect it or see it coming-at least not from me. Not his cool, professional, studious Scully. After all, I NEVER do things like that...I NEVER act impulsively or, well, hmmm...There's an extra shirt in my bag, so I know I can change without having to leave the room, but the question is, do I have the nerve? I wonder how he'd react...If I just...just... He looks down and starts to bite his pencil again, gnawing on the silver foil "Number two" near the eraser, even though he knows that I hate watching him chew on his pencils like that. I know he doesn't care that it pisses me off, and that only pisses me off even more. Now the paint and eraser are almost gone. Well, that's it. I can't take this anymore today. I haven't even started the expense report for our last case, and he's reading.... what is that? The national enquirer?! I crane my neck to make sure, and sure enough, he's engrossed in an article about a woman and her 10 foot alien husband. Alright Mulder, that's it. You asked for it...Slowly, I reach my hands down to the bottom of my cotton blend shirt and pull slightly, yanking it over my head softly, so as not to interrupt his "reading time". Underneath I've got on only the flimsy, white lace bra my mother had somehow tricked me into buying months ago. Perhaps it would prove to be a wise investment after all... Ok, so maybe there are a few things she IS right about . Mental note: thank mom later... "Ahem, Mulder-would you please hand me my bag," I ask with a forced syrupy sweetness to my voice, and chuck my finger in its general direction. I glance over to the area where I had dropped it this morning and notice it. Its still there, lying propped up by the white metal file cabinet. Mulder glances up momentarily at my request and nearly falls out of his chair in the process. My lack of clothing has apparently not gone unnoticed. "Yeah sure just---Christ Scully! Where the hell did you clothes go??" His face is beet red, and my heart begins to pound as I realize the extent to which I had carried our little "game". There's something in his eyes that I can only recognize as desire, hunger and he flushes as he quickly turns away, swiping my bag from the floor. I watch as he opens it furiously, fumbling with the clasp, and shuffling through it, desperate to find my blouse. My god-he's looking at me as if he wants to...to...NO! Stop it Dana. Stop it right now. No. I'm seeing things I decide...I have to be...But no. No I just couldn't have imagined the way he looked at me just now. The way his eyes raked me over. The need in his eyes, the-NO! I won't think it. I can't. This is dangerous territory. Unchartered waters. Damn it! Why am I breathing so hard? Wrapping my arms around myself I suddenly feel embarrassed, ridiculous that I would pull such a stupid stunt. My brain knows this and screams at me, scolding...warning me. What are you trying to do Dana? My heart is pumping fast. Too fast. What the hell is wrong with me? He's Mulder. He's just...Mulder. It's not like he's- "Here-I found it," He mumbles, still blushing, and hands me my spare blouse delicately. "Guess I deserved that huh?" I smile and touch his arm affectionately. "Nah," I reply. " I shouldn't have done it. Completely innapropriate. After all, what would Skinner say if he came in here and saw this?" He nods and smiles now, almost embarrassed. "You mean right after 'yee haw, do you have change for a fifty Scully?" His remark wins him a blush and faint chuckle as he looks up. "Before or after I deck him for checking out my cute partner?" he finishes softly, smiling to portray his jest, although something in his voice tells me that perhaps he's not kidding. "Cute?" I ask, my eyebrows shooting up a full degree. He shuffles his feet uncertainly. "Sorry," He apologizes. "My mistake. What would you prefer Agent Scully?" Shut up and don't say anything stupid Dana. Just keep your mouth shut. Just keep it shut before... "Oh I dunno...Didn't you once say you thought it might be plausible that someone thought I was hot?" My voice is dangerously low and throaty...Shit. Damn. Too late. Stupid thing number one has already left my lips. What the hell am I doing? I'm acting likea ridiculous , flirty teenager! Keep your stupid mouth SHUT Dana!! "And you know, traffic stopping or stunning would accommodate me just fine as well." Now it is his turn to laugh. "How about bruising instead? I mean you nearly knocked me out of my chair there, Dana." God, he said 'Dana' didn't he, I suddenly realize in mild shock. The sound of my name on his lips takes me by utter surprise. He never says that unless... I feel something in his eyes wander into mine, and he doesn't seem to be aware of his words anymore. If he was, then he wouldn't have called me Dana. I'm almost sure of it. And as I stand here, staring at the man I have fantasized about(although I continually try to deny it to myself) for years on end, I realize that I don't care. How incredibly ironic. How perfectly ridiculous. How insanely perfect, that he and I are standing here, on this precipice of intimacy, threatenting to topple our entire relationship in a single moment, and a part of me doesn't even care about what he's saying. It's downright laughable. Our gazes are unwavering and warning bells go off in my mind as I ignore them, running my fingers up the warm flesh of his arm. His face is precariously close to mine, I realize, and my pulse races out of control. He looks so unsure and I can see him gulp in nervousness. Oh god-does he feel this too? What is he thinking-what is he-oh god---oh god-he's going to kiss me. Oh god. This isn't happening. This isn't happening. He isn't here and I'm not really here, and I need to convince myself of it. Think it over and over like some sort fo sick chant, so that maybe if I close my eyes and open them real fast, he won't be standing here. He won't be looking at me like that and I won't be wanting him to touch me like...oh god... "Dana," he whispers, and rests his hand over mine. 'Dana', he had said again. My imagination runs rampant. There is something so familiar about his touching me like this. It's almost like a dream I can't remember... My own voice is barely above a whisper. "yeah," I answer softly, almost seductively and I think I've stopped breathing. My lower lip trembles. My brain is melting into my feet and my blood is racing to parts south. I don't even think that right now I can register anyithing other than the way he's staring at my bottom lip. Oh god, He is gazing at it. Oh god-this is it... "You're uh, still holding your blouse Scully. You might want to put it on before someone really DOES come in here." My pulse slows and dies out. He could NOT have said what I think he just has. I sigh. It figures. Always count on Mulder to spoil the moment. I notice his breathing is rapid though, and his hand hasn't moved. Why the hell is he looking at me like that? I find that speech has left me and I can't think of anything to say except... "Yeah, I guess I should Mulder. Sorry." I pull away from him and yank the small white baby tee over my head, pulling it down and fixing it about my waist. I straighten it, replace my dress jacket properly, and purse my lips, bringing my hands up to smooth away defiant wisps of hair. Has it gotten warmer in here? It has to be at least a hundred degrees... He's still staring at me...No. I can't take this. I need to get out of here. I need to get as far away from this room as humanly possible...and fast... I reach for my coffee mug and run my fingers through my auburn strands again. I need to leave-to get out of here. I definitely need an excuse. Damn it, think Dana ... "err-Scully, do you ah-do you have the case filing for-" "umm..I think I need some more coffee," I mumble under my breath, and he looks at me preplexed. I see that his gaze is searching for mine, his eyes cornering me but I refuse to meet them. I can't. Not now. Not when I'm wearing my emotions on my sleeve like this. Not when I feel so exposed, so naked and bare to him in what my brain and my heart keep telling me. Oh no...My eyes are watering. I can feel it. What in the hell is wrong with me? I feel my head pounding as my brain screams at me: 'NO! NO DANA! Control!' I'm losing control again and I have to get it back-quickly. I refuse to let him see me like this. I am his partner. His rock, his grasp on reality. I am his Scully, and I know it. There's no way he is going to see me like this. Dazed and out of control. Those things just don't happen to Dana Scully. They just don't. Damn it, damn it, damn it. What is going on? Why am I acting like...like...oh god...like I'm-no--I can't be. I just can't be. But what if I am...what if I... oh no. no no no. Not Fox Mulder. I can't be falling in love with him. I just can't...but oh god. Oh god, I am... I excuse myself from the room hurriedly as I hear him call after me. I pretend I don't hear him. I have to-for the sake of my sanity. I need to get away...I need to, though I know I can't run. There's nowhere far enough for me to go to escape him-to escape this fevered need I have for him. Wait a minute-hold on...Fevered? I have a fevered need? For Mulder? This is insane. Absolutely insane. NO CONTROL! NO CONTROL! my mind screams, and so I run. I run from the source of my confusion. I run from Mulder though I don't know where I'll go. There's nowhere...nowhere... "Scully-Dana-wait-just..." I don't know what he said after that. I slammed the door. Then the floodgates opened... *** "Just let me..." The door slams. Right in my face. I sigh. This has gone too far. Way too far...Why in the hell did she do that anyway? What in the world possessed Dana Scully to just strip off her shirt and stand there like that?! What?! Alright, alright, so I asked for it, but I was just kidding...Ok so maybe I deserved to be embarrassed by that, but still. This should not be happening. I should not be letting it affect me this way. I've always been able to brush her effect on me under the rug, so to speak. I've always been able to distract myself with some case, some lead, and convince myself that I could live with Dana this way, even if I wanted her more than words. Even if she was the most beautiful, amazing woman who ever lived. I was always able to shove my head into an assignment and act like a jack ass if need be, so she'd keep being Scully, and I could keep my distance. After all, anything I've ever espressed love for has been taken away from me, and she was already taken once. I won't let it happen again. I can't. I know that she'd probably laugh at that though, raise an eyebrow at me and say "Mulder, I'm not going anywhere," but it doens't stop me from worrying. From creeping into her hotel room sometimes when I can't sleep, and whispering promises to keep her safe. If she knew, she'd shoot me on the spot. Dana Scully doesn't think she ever needs protecting, and hell, she's probably right. Of course even though I know that, it doesn't do anything to ease my fears. To refute the "Mulder-logic" that she's often called ridiculous and even obstinate at times. I wonder what she would say to my logic if it told her that I was in love with her. Oh Jesus, this is ridiculous... This can't be happening. Why are my walls suddenly crumbling? Why am I suddenly unable to stay away? Why, when I've always been able to hide it from her, why is it falling apart now? Oh god-what if-what if she...no. No. She can't feel the same way. She can't. She doesn't... Does she? My heart's beating too fast again. My cheeks feel hot. I feel warm all over. Too warm. Too hot. This can't happen. I can't let it. I can't let what I feel for her destroy her. It's just not safe for her and I to-to... give in to this-this-whatever we feel here. But god, I love her so much I-no. It can't happen. I won't let her become what I've become. I won't let her get sucked in. I won't. I lower my head with a soft sigh and bang it against the desk in frustration. The resulting noise, a hollow, almost etal sound, bounces and echoes off the walls of the basement. I'm sorry Dana. I know how I feel how I-I love you. Oh...wow. How bout' that, I can actually admit to myself that I'm in love with someone. I don't think I've ever been able to do that, at least not in any real sense, since Samantha. Since she was taken. How ironic. It's like an incredible leap in "Mulder-emotions" and I can't even express them. I can't even share discovery of feelings with the one person I'd want to give them to. How perfectly fitting, that I finally discover my truth, that SHE is my truth, and I know that I will never be able to tell her. Wonderful. It figures that I'd fall in love with the one unatainable person in my life. Oh god, Dana...I'm sorry but I can't help it... You don't love me. You can't love me... I just won't let you... But I love you...oh god, I do. I really do-more than I can even comprehend myself. Oh god this is insane. Illogical. My arms drape over my head in frustration. I don't think I will ever understand how something that feels so right can be so insane-so impossible. This just can't be happening. My head hurts. My heart aches. I've never felt so powerless. Tonight I know, will be another sleepless night... HA HA HA Jen!! STILL not done...FEEDBACK!!! PLEASE!! I WILL POST PART 3 IF I GET FEEDBACK!!!