He doesn’t know the meaning of the word fear. Of course there are a lot of other words he doesn’t know either. -AFL football coach

"The trouble with normal is it always gets worse." - Bruce Cockburn

"We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by." - Will Rogers

"Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself." - Rita Mae Brown

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays. -Henny Youngman

My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me. -Benjamin Disraeli

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks. -Joe E. Lewis

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something. -Jackie Mason

This book fills a much-needed gap. -Moses Hadas, book reviewer

Don’t wait for inspiration: you have to go after it with a club. -Jack London

If you can't annoy somebody, there's little point in writing. -Kingsley Amis

I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. -English Professor, Ohio University

Author: A fool, who, not content with having bored those who have lived with him, insists on tormenting the generations to come. -Montesquieu

Everywhere I go, I'm asked if the universities stifle writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. -Flannery O'Connor

There are three kinds of death in this world. There's heart death, there's brain death, and there's being off the network. -Guy Almes

There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence. -Jeremy S. Anderson

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining. -Jeff Raskin

Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three categories-- those that don't work, those that break down, and those that get lost. -Russell Baker

That's the nature of research--you don't know what in hell you're doing. -'Doc' Edgerton

Basic research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. -Wernher Von Braun

The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless. -Dave Barry

Work is a four-letter word. -The Smiths (Morrissey)

I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not. -Fran Lebowitz

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work. -Robert Orben

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he's supposed to be doing at the moment. -Robert Benchley

When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped. -Marcel Achard

Of course there's a lot of knowledge in universities: the freshmen bring a little in; the seniors don't take much away, so knowledge sort of accumulates...

Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep. -Albert Camus

Learn to laugh at your troubles and you'll never run out of things to laugh at. -Lyn Karol

I believe that mink are raised for being turned into fur coats and if we didn't wear fur coats those little animals would never have been born. So is it better not to have been born or to have lived for a year or two to have been turned into a fur coat? I don't know. -Barbi Benton, former Playboy bunny

Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway. -Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board

I'm for abolishing and doing away with redundancy. -J. Curtis McKay

The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe. -Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia

People never really grow up, they just learn how to act in public. -Bryan White

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher. -Flannery O'Connor

This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but hurled with great force. -Dorothy Parker

The value of the average conversation could be enormously improved by the constant use of four simple words: `I do not know'. -Andre Maurois.

I'll have a CRAPPY day if I want! -George Carlin

We are Linux. Resistance is an indication that you missed the point. -Brandon Allbery

I develop for Linux for a living, I used to develop for DOS. Going from DOS to Linux is like trading a glider for an F117. -Lawrence Foard

Are you impressed? Are you thinking to yourself that The Gimp has got to be the single greatest thing since Linux itself? Are you willing to hurl America On-Line floppy disks at high velocities at the neck of anyone who suggests that you need to pay $500 for a decent photo manipulation tool? I thought so. -Rob Malda

When you say `I wrote a program that crashed Windows', people just stare at you blankly and say `Hey, I got those with the system, *for free*' -Linus Torvalds

Some people have told me they don't think a fat penguin really embodies the grace of Linux, which just tells me they have never seen a angry penguin charging at them in excess of 100mph. They'd be a lot more careful about what they say if they had. -Linus Torvalds

I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper. -Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."

Well, yes, I did it... but it's not my fault.
Alright, it is my fault... but I'm not responsible.
Well, maybe I'm responsible... but I'm not to blame."
Yes, I am to blame... but they made me do it.
Just because its my gun doesn't mean I'm the one who fired it.
OK, I fired it, but I didn't think I'd hit any civilians.
Well, yes, it did occur to me that I might hit one or two civilians. But I really never thought I would hit all of them.
I didn't want to shoot him.
Well... maybe I did want to shoot him, but I didn't mean to kill him.
OK. Maybe I did mean to kill him... but he deserved it.
-Axly

If you ever get pulled over by a police officer and he says, 'Where's the fire?', just say, 'At my house!', then speed off. But remember to call ahead and have someone start a fire at your house, or you'll end up in mighty big trouble. -Jason Brewer

Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. -Peter Drucker

Few people think more than two or three times a year; have made an international reputation for myself by thinking once or twice a week. -George Bernard Shaw

We don't know what we want but we are ready to bite somebody to get it. -Will Rogers

A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. -Caskie Stinnett

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true. -Cabell

Being Right Too Soon is Socially Unacceptable. -Robert A. Heinlein

You're a good example of why some animals eat their young. -Jim Samuels

Nothing is wrong with Southern California that a rise in the ocean level won't cure. -Ross Macdonald

Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters needs pounding. -Abraham Kaplan

There is a very fine line between genius and insanity.  I have erased this line. - Oscar Levant

Nothing can beat the music of hundreds of voices screaming in unison! -Kefka

One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I'm having a good time. -Avery Bishop

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffereing from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you. -Rita Mae Brown

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because generally they are the same people. -G.K. Chesterton

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. -Jeff Valdez

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "probably because of something you did.”

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains.
I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

I really don't deserve this, but then again, I have arthritis and I really don't deserve that either. -Jack Benney upon receiving some award

So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway?
And why can't he ever remember his Bible?

I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's one called "brightness", but it don't work. -Gallagher

When you have no basis for an argument, abuse the plaintiff. -Marcus Tullius Cicero

I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want - an adorable pancreas? -Jean Kerr

Ask anyone who can recall, It's horrible to be born. -Bruce Cockbur

My theory is that PC software is a lot like plutonium. If you put enough of it into a PC, it reaches a critical mass and causes a destructive chain reaction. -Dave Methuin

If you can't answer a man's argument, all is not lost; you can still call him vile names. -Elbert Hubbard

I live everyday as if it is my last.
That's why my room is never clean.
Who wants to clean their room on their last day?
-Erin S.

Why is it when we talk to God, we're said to be praying--but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic? -Lily Tomlin

Only fools are quoted. - Anonymous Fool

If we TOLD you what we were going to do, you'd never have elected us. -John Crosbie, Canadian Member of Parliament, c.1975

...a billion burgers worth of beef. Grain-eaters. Methane dispensers. -Bruce Cockburn, describing Brazilian cattle

I watch TV, because that's pretty much all you can do with it. -Steve Brian Smith

It's kind of like hitting a brick wall... first you scratch your nose then it's oblivion. -Cheryl Schoenhaar

It's better to have lost in love than in the stock market. -Cory Johnson

You technically do not wash your clothes the machine washes them, you merely place them into it. -Cordell

I don't know. I don't want to know. Don't tell me. -Sonya Alston

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back it is yours. If it doesn't, hunt it down and kill it.

A country divided over the Referendum today and united by the rugby tonight. -news program tells us what's really important

Square meals often make round people. -E. Joseph Cossman

It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They're in front of you in the supermarket express lane.

I don't care so much about the return on my money as the return of my money -Will Rogers

Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly. -Batman Costume warning label

I'm not into working out. My philosopy: No pain, no pain. -Carol Leifer

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung. -Voltaire

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. -Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

Question: What five letter word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it? Answer - short.

Question: What does Winnie-the-Pooh, John the Baptist, and Billy the Kid have in common? Answer - they all have the same middle name.

Have a drink on me... NO JEN..... That means I will pay for it, it is a figure of speech. -Roy "Bison" Hager

Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat. -Lazarus Long

I can do anything... I just can't do anything well. -Mike Wick

It's not enough to be able to lie with a straight face; anybody with enough gall to raise on a busted flush can do that. The first way to lie artistically is to tell the truth-but not all of it. The second involves telling the truth, too, but is harder: Tell the exact truth and maybe all of it ... but tell it so unconvincingly that your listener is sure you are lying. -Lazarus Long (Robert Heinlein)

A banker is a person who is willing to make a loan if you present sufficient evidence to show you don't need it. -Hebert V Prochnow

A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you. -Bert Leston Taylor

I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it. -Samuel Goldwyn

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