1) "I've split my pants!!!!!! Look!!!!!!" (During a round of "Film Trailer, Tony had the misfortune of splitting his pants. For the record, he was wearing white underwear!)

2) "Where's the crew? I don't know. It's a mystery!" (In a round of Film and Theatre styles, the style of Medieval Mystery Play was suggested, and this was Tony's interpretation of the genre)

3) "Don't go on about my size...you look like 2 aspirins on an ironing board!" (from a game where they fill in the faces on a painting...The subject was a couple on their honeymoon, and Caroline Quentin had just commented on the teeny weeny size of "Tony's" appendage.)

4) (SINGING) "Sometimes I dream of a sailor,
Sometimes I dream of an obelisk.
I shouldn't eat the mushrooms I find,
Because the local flora BLOWS MY MIND."
(from a game of musical film review)

5) "Yes...let's look under "M" for Multiple, shall we, Sandi?" (During a round of Film & Theatre, the style suggested is "Yellow Pages Ad". Tony and Sandi are discussing orgasms.)

6) "This island is getting to my sense of linguistics!"

7) (SINGING) "I wanna be a Yankee, but some things in America are really Wanky!" (Gospel about America)

8) (In a perky voice) "Come on, everyone, don't get depressed because we're 8000 feet under...(SINGS) "We're in the long big metal pointy thing...we're going down the river..." (The world's worst person to captain a submarine)

9) "Queer...I am...never mind..." (Alphabet, a chat up with Sandi Toskvig)

10) "Aaah! Venereal Disease!" (see above!)

11) "I haven't been to the bathroom in 4 months!" (The worst person to be trapped on a desert island with)

12) "My mustache is bigger than yours!" (Steve Frost is making "Melodramatic" "Mustache type gestures..." Tony makes even bigger gestures as he says this line (i guess it was funnier to watch...)

13) "No! Jeremy Beadle. Jump! (PBHLT noise) HA!" (A round of props...Tony was pretending to rescue Jeremy Beadle from a burning building, then whipped the trampoline thing away)

14) "Ooh, I'm terribly nervous. I've never held a come as Michael Jackson party before!" (Grabs crotch and makes Michael Jackson noises, then turns and stares at Clive) (Party Quirks)

15) "This Party's crap!" (After guessing his first guest right away)

16) "What about the secret microchip that's in your pocket?" (During helping Hands, trying to get Steve Steen to put his hands in Jim Sweeney's pockets)

17) "Let me adjust the horizontal hold on that shirt!" (making fun of Josie's sweater)

18) (Singing) "I got married yesterday, I had an awful time.
I drank 2 bottles of crappy British wine.
I'm going to leave my wife as quickly as I can,
I don't like her, I like the best man!!!" (March about getting married)

19) Here's a priceless dialogue between Tony and Josie!

The game: Emotion Options
The setting : A laundromat.
Josie (looking at Tony's mimed underpants)- "Oh, that's a funny tan colour"
Tony- That's not the colour of me underpants...I've just had a bit of an accident."
(Clive tells them to change the mood to GREEDILY. Tony talks about wanting everything, then says:
Tony - I want my underwear! I'm going to eat them! (Tony mimes gobbling the underwear. Then Clive buzzes, and suggests Pity.)
Josie - You're pathetic, aren't you!
Tony - That's not pity, it's INSULT!...Pity me, for I've just eaten my underwear in a public place..."
Josie - "Pity pity pity!"

20) "It's Andrew Lloyd Webber! EW!" (During props, he takes this big white thing that looks like a bag and tosses it over Jim Sweeney's head)

21) "That's right...and my side of the audience go...GOB GOB GOB GOB..." (Film and theatre styles...Pantomine)

22) "I'm sorry I've been so long, I was having my bikini line waxed!" (Superheroes)

23) "I'll try to cool it down, then...(loud breaking wind noise)" (As flatulence man trying to solve the problem of Global Warming)

24) "Carry on then...MAAAAAAAAAAH (sheep noise) Ssht...be quiet!" (The world's worst person to take confession)
 

25) "(SINGING) I hate examinations, it fills me with great fear,
I get the collywobbles, and lots of Diarrhea,
So if you are a student, don't care about the pain
Get through your exams by taking lots of cocaine!"
(Examination hoe-down)

26) "On to more serious business, we've got a charity appeal which is to try and raise money for more hair for Clive Anderson..." (Reading the closing credits as a youth presenter)

27) "I'll have ALL of you!!!!! (very camp)" (Scenes from a hat...Robin Hood selecting his Merry Men)

28) "It's the stewardess from Hell! Where's my crucifix?!" (Film & Theatre styles on a plane...HORROR)

29) "If you do shift a big amount of ballast, make sure it's away from your partner's face..." (authors as Dr. Alex Comfort, author of the Joy of Sex)

30) "We are going to rule this country, not through economic policy, but through DANCE!!!!" (the world's worst person to be prime minister)

31) "(SINGING) I've got a little problem, I can't get enough
You know what I'm talking about...It['s ME! I'm hot stuff
Look at myself in the mirror, I just start to sweat
Cuz I'm the most beautiful person that I've ever met!"
(He's in love with himself in a round of Psychiatrist)

32) "OoooooOOOOOOOOOOh" (very camp with hands on hips (He does this a lot...))

33) "I'm not playing anymore" (When he figured out that Rory Bremner came to the party as Tony in Party Quirks. He started to sulk something rotten!)

34) "WELL FUCK OFF THEN!!!!" (To Clive, after a particularly challenging round of Party Quirks)

35) "Very unusual...that's my tactic! I'll baffle them!" (Responding to Jim Sweeney's accusation that Tony has an unusual grasp of the alphabet in Alphabet)

36) "Me first!" (VERY camp) (Scenes from a hat...the pecking order for fruit)

37) "Alright, I'm not a natural brunette!" (In props, holding a piece of white fun-fur over his crotch)

38) "I'm going to murder you, simply because you're Father Smurf" (To Jim, whose holding the same piece of fun-fur as if it were a beard) in Props)

39) "Hello, and welcome to the not terribly convincing torture chamber...GET DOWN!!!!!" (Whipping Jim with that piece of fun fur)

40) "Yes...do you want your entire family to smell of Haddock? I'm sorry, a bird's dumped on my hear as well...but back to the product. I feel Haddock gel is...You turn it on...It's new You comb it into your hair, dirt and dandruff just fly away. Yes, that Haddock smell lingers. For instance, we took these liquids, one from an unknown passer by, and the other one from the sea. What's the difference? One smells of a dirty old man, and the other smells of FISH!!!!!!!!! and so does this man's hair. And that's (sniffs) MMMMMMMMMMMMM! HADDOCK!!!!!" (Film dubbing over an old ad)

41) "I hear there's a marvelous trick that you do, which is putting a whole brie in your mouth!!!!" (To Ryan in helping hands...he later asked him to repeat the Brie trick!!!!!)

42) "Hello, here's the engine!" (Scenes from a hat...Worrying things to be given on a plane)

43) "I name this child Satan. STAN! STAN!" (Scenes from a hat: Faux pas at a christening)

44) "I was inserting myself in this badger. I'm afraid I won't be a terribly useful witness as I saw nothing." (Courtroom)

45) "Oh did you? You've got a warped bald head!" (To Clive, after Clive makes fun of him in Press Conference for not figuring that he was the first man to make love in space)

46) "And over there on the plains we can ... they're shagging! They're shagging!" (World's Worst clip from a nature documentary.)

47) "Working very carefully over a period of years, Patricia the tiger is now perfectly tame. (roar)Argh! (holds up missing hand)(World's Worst clip from a nature documentary.)

48) "One of the best things you can do, of course, to these charming chihuahuas is to set fire to them."(World's Worst clip from a nature documentary.)

49) (singing)"Oh I'm a little kinky, my panties are made of fur
I like to stay in evenings, just me and my cucumber
And then I pull my pants down and start to paint my tush
And dress up in leather and squat on Barbara Bush!"

50) "I like the sound of motorways when things go splat
I look out my car window and I've run over a cat
The one thing that I hate, the worst thing in my life
Is the stupid bastard who designed the M-25"

51) "I like cakes, you know I find them enticing
I like to take my clothes off and cover my body with icing
I do it because you know (whoa) I can
WOW! Take my body down with Marzipan...

52) "Oh, shut your face!" (Tony to Clive, after Clive teases Tony for stopping playing after Rory comes to the party as Tony)

53) "I just want to watch this for a while"( Party Quirks, as Colin is running around as All 7 Dwarves)

54) "What a horrible suit!" (To Paul, during a round of Film & Theatre styles...style=HORROR!)

55) "I've got a passion, from which I will not be swerved. Aha.
I'm like Mrs Slocombe from Are You Being Served. Wha ha.
You may think that I'm some kind of wussy,
But I can't get enough of daily pussy,
I'm in love, in love with my feline friends. Wha ha ha.

56) "I've got a problem, I'd like to report.
When I see Porky Pig, my pants distort.
Oh yeah, you know what I mean,
When I see that porker I spill my seem.
You know animals are my ilk,
I spray them with man milk.
I go yeah, porky,
Porky you're the one for me.
(oinks)

57) "I got a problem, I'm in such pain,
I stole myself a gigantic plane.
I don't mean to bore you, I don't mean to rant,
But I put a 747 down my pants.
I tried to walk away in a straight line,
But ... bbbbbbbb (wobbles mouth). (Prison Visitor with Josie..Tony has stolen a plane)

58) The Donkey-Riding Hoedown
"I love my fluffy donkey,
I like to call him Clive
I dress him up in panties,
he's the best animal alive
I like to dress him up
in lots of frilly clothes
And the two of us begin to star in certain videos"

59) (Tony is angry about his jacket, which is this God-awful green thing)
"I went to a store, I spent a lot of bucks
I came out with this, and boy does it suck
But the most important thing, and this is what I'd like to share
I hate this jacket cause it's made of bits of Lionel Blair"

60) The Reading of the Will Hoedown
"My mother died the other day,
I hit her with a cosh
I hoped that in the will,
she would elave me lots of dosh
When I read the will
I found out that I was not rich
She just left me her knickers,
what a stupid bitch"

61) Something else Tony did that was really funny: He actually won, and had to read the credits in the style of a drunken Australian soap star. He walked down to the stage, passed out, and when the credits were almost over, he started to get up but passed out again.

NOTE: This page is still under construction. If you have any other lines to add, please email me Sailor_J@hotmail.com