by Jen South



With animation that hasn't been seen in a straight-to-video move before,
our story begins.  Pocahontas II: Journey to a New World.  Just picture it:

Gulls circle a dark, moon painted section of London.  The boats creak in
the nearby harbor and the music whispers and softly moans in warning as the
camera pans slowly upward to the single light still burning in the darkened
world.  Look with me now.  In that window.  At the man standing, bathed in
golden light, his back to us as he ponders the great mysteries of life. 
Like why, for instance, is the English postal system so bad in 17th century
England and why isn't there any merchandising for his movie when Disney's
already raking in big bucks for the next Lion King feature?  

Unknown to our blond stranger, he's breaking curfew by having his light on
after hours and the SWAT team is even now circling his one room apartment.

At the appropriately dramatic moment, carefully timed to match the upsurge
in music, the soldiers burst into the room only to find their quarry gone. 
With his usual style and crooked grin, the stranger, John Smith (like that
surprised you) gets the jump on the crew (quite literally) and makes good
his escape in some of the best scenes in the entire movie.

Pursued and finally cornered for his unpaid back taxes while he was away in
Virginia, John Smith is quite gleefully dropped into the murky water far
below him (don't throw me in the briar patch) by the reappearance of an
even thicker necked Ratcliff, proving that, if you don't drop the villain
from a great height in the first movie, he's bound to show up in the
sequels.

Meanwhile, the English king, a man ahead of his times in his footwear
fashion sense, decides that waiting for the peace envoy he just sent to the
New World is taking too long, they should have sent him by plane, not boat.
Besides, war, peace, what's the difference?  One can only feel sympathy
for his queen and think that this must be an argument against arranged
marriages.

John Rolfe, the peace ambassador, another John because, even back then it
was still the "single most popular boys' name",  got the job because no one
else wanted it, and realizes too late that maybe he should have done
sometime called "research" before he arrived in the New World.  

Despite it all, our heroine, Pocahontas, manages to find the point behind
his arrival and, with nothing to do now that her best friend is married and
doesn't call her or write to her or even mention the last five letters
she's gotten, not like its so hard to pick up a phone every now and then -
sheesh, you'd think that getting married gives you the expected duty of
forgetting your single friends or something like tha- oh - sorry.  Where
was I?  Oh yes.  So Pocahontas decides to go to London to see the king. 
Besides, she's heard that he's putting together a new version of the Bible
and she wants to remind him not to make this one so thunkingly heavy.

Impressed with any man daring enough to wear pants that large and brightly
colored in spite of what it makes him look like, Powhatan only sends one
warrior to guard his daughter.  With all that circus tent fabric, he
figures Rolfe must have at least two or three other men hidden away in his
striped pants in case of emergency.

Meeko, Percy, and Flit stow away aboard the departing ship and provide the
passengers and crew with hours of amusement much to everyone's relief after
the first few thousand rounds of "100 bottles of beer on the wall" "I spy
with my little eye something that starts with W" and the continuous chorus
of "are we almost there?".

After an exhausting voyage that appears, by the animation, to take a day,
the ship finally docks in the harbor of London.  Luckily the town is packed
with people just bursting with song and Pocahontas,  wearing her
soon-to-be-patented mini skirt (guaranteed to never show anything that
shouldn't be seen no matter how long you hang upside down from tree
branches) is still as bursting with curiosity and eloquence as ever.

Arriving at the Rolfe household (empty of any members of Rolfes' family who
learned he was returning a week early and hastily departed for their
"summer" residence) Pocahontas is introduced to Mrs. Jenkins, who's point
in the movie seems to be - well - hmmm… who's point in the movie seems to
be a vague, disquieting warning about the dangers of tea addiction.

Rolfe then goes to see the king with news of his success only to be greeted
by Ratcliff's smirking face and an invitation to the Hunt Ball, which will
occur directly after the Fishing Ball and be followed by the Bar-B-Q Ball. 
Ratcliff also checkmate's the king's chess piece and even to me, living in
democracy, beating the king at any game, much less chess, seems to be a
very bad political move.

As already proven, Pocahontas is willing to sacrifice a great deal for her
people and so she agrees to undergo the tortures of things like corsets and
hoop shirts and metal shoes that are interchangeable because no one has
invented the notion of right and left feet yet.  There's a cute incident
involving underwear but the accompanying song by Mrs. Jenkins is enough to
rip the ears off your head.  Or at least make you wish you could.

Once Rolfe and Pocahontas arrive at the ball they are accosted by (count
them) a woman in the Queen of Hearts (Alice in Wonderland) dress, prince
Philip's drunk father (Sleeping Beauty), and a woman who uses the word
"drippingly" and must have a point behind her even if I can't seem to find
it.  There's also a dance and I swear I've seen Pocahontas' first partner
somewhere before.  Pocahontas and Ratcliff engage in a brief wrestling
match "just for old time's sake" and then the caterers arrive and "dinner
is served".

Or at least it should be, except that the entertainment has been scheduled
first and the clowns arrive.  One can only imagine that the king must be
fuming that he can't open his presents until after the cake and ice cream
is served.

After being treated to a magic show that includes headless bodies, bodiless
heads, and encouraged crowd mockery, Pocahontas is finally faced with
Ratchiff's evil plan.  The original actor set to portray the "Beast" in
Beauty and the Beast is led in and summarily tormented and humiliated with
stacked graphs and video clips from Good Morning America showing how much
the "real Beast" is now making in bow tie endorsements alone.  Pocahontas
feels pity for him and when he breaks down and cries:  "My agent told me it
wasn't a wise career move.  That I'd be trapped in a stereotype for the
rest of my life", she feels union bound to step in and stop the torture.

Sensing his opportunity, Ratcliff convinces the king to have her arrested
which is greeted with cries of "Off with her head" from a certain, easily
excited member of the court who usually spends most of her time living in a
world inhabited by large white rabbits and drunk mice. (Another warning
against the dangers of tea drinking?)

As the palace guards drag Pocahontas away, she fights the panic that comes
from realizing that she is about to be separated from the only person who
can get her safely back to her people and out of this insane world.  After
watching the entire incident from the safety of his chair, Rolfe makes a
daring decision.  Leaping to his feet he storms home to file a formal
complaint.

While Pocahontas quickly changes into a cheaper version of her first dress
and uses her glass jewelry as fishing lures to catch herself some dinner
out the window of her prison, Rolfe restlessly paces his garden. 
Hopelessly despondent that the wording of his letter just doesn't feel
strong enough, he sinks down to sit under a tree.  If only he hadn't lost
his thesaurus, he'd be able to come up with another word that means
"please".

Suddenly the music swells and, sensing the arrival of the hero of the
story, Rolfe turns to find a "mysterious stranger" has easily
circumnavigated his expensive security system and invaded his privacy.  The
fight scene that ensued is dropped from the film due to lack of interest. 
On the "mysterious stranger's" part, that is.

Finally propelled, and goaded and prodded and kicked and pushed and
threatened, into action, Rolfe rows a small boat into the Tower of London's
flooded basement where the guards are too busy squabbling over who should
have called the plumber before they tried to fix the leaky pipe to cause
too much trouble.

Tired of Rolfe standing around waiting for something to happen (the Second
Coming, maybe?) the "myster - oh, you know who it is! distracts the guards.
Luckily Flit has brains the size of - well, a humming bird, and leads
Rolfe to the cell Pocahontas is being kept in.

Overcome with relief to be spared having to try to make small talk with her
bodyguard anymore, Pocahontas throws herself gratefully into Rolfe's arms.
Never having touched a woman before, Rolfe mumbles a vague hint about
building a theme park in Virginia and quickly introduces her to the
"mysterious stranger".  Who turns out to be - you guessed it !  Good old
Michael Eisner!  Yeah, right.  All right, so its John Smith.  Anyone
surprised?

After a hurried reunion, the group makes a daring midnight escape (daring
because curfew is still being strictly enforced) and flee the city.  Or at
least they end up in a very run down, overgrown section of the city.  It
was hard to tell, neither of the men stopped and asked for directions.

Meanwhile, Mrs. Jenkins slowly sinks into a tea induced stupor.

Back at camp, Rolfe and John Smith get into a disinterested argument over
how Pocahontas is going to help her people, if she's going to help her
people, and most importantly, who really had the map when they left the
Tower.

Still suffering from the effects of prison induced claustrophobia,
Pocahontas makes a sudden break for the door and dashes like (I kid you
not) a bunny rabbit into the misty woods.  This gives John Smith the
opportunity to confront Rolfe about his feelings for Pocahontas and Rolfe
responds with a look that indicates that a bug might just have crawled up
his nose.

Calming herself in front of what looks like the beheaded version of
Grandmother Willow, Pocahontas comes to the realization that unless she
gets this whole English-induced mess sorted out, she's not going to be able
to get home in time for the annul Easter egg hunt on the tribal chief's
longhouse's lawn.  John Smith half heartedly voices some insincere
protests, with an apologetic look that says "its in the script", and,
realizing that her mother's necklace has no monetary value, Rolfe finally
returns it to her.

Back at the palace, the king and his long suffering wife are meeting with
Parliament, who are busy trying to decide that, if the king shows up in
nothing but his royal cape and royal long underwear and the royal Goofy
shoes, is it all right for them to have a "relaxed dress code" on Fridays
too.  Pocahontas' arrival in her trademark buckskin mini provides
distraction enough and, with the elegance and panache of Perry Mason, she
convinces the king to avoid war with her people.  John Smith makes a
dramatically appropriate entrance at a pivotal moment and some way,
something, somehow makes it through to the king that "things are not as
they appear".

Not bothering to waste time gathering the king's soldiers, the fearless
trio and their respective sidekicks head off to the docks just in time to
jump, swing, swim, and crawl aboard Ratcliff's departing ship.  A wonderful
fight scene ensues and, when Pocahontas drops the ship's anchor, all that
can be heard for miles is the overhead hum of traffic helicopters as a huge
pile-up unfolds in the harbor.

Still the unchallenged hero of the story, John Smith eventually takes on
Ratcliff in a duel to the death.  Or rather a duel that lasts until John
uses some of those rugged good moves of his and takes the sword away from
Ratcliff.  But wait!  Ratcliff has a gun!  He's going to shot John Smith! 
Again!  Oh no!  No, wait,  its raining and flintlocks don't work when their
gun powder gets wet.  Oh, well, nice try.

Rolfe clocks Ratcliff on the head with a swinging boom (the part of the
sail, not the sound effect) anyway and Ratcliff gets swung out over the
water where, if you listen closely, you can hear the sound of a clock
ticking as something green circles in the water below.  John Smith's stunt
double (Eric from the Little Mermaid in a blond wig) stands up and the
animation goes down hill from there.  But other than that, the day is
saved!  Our heroes have won!

Or have they?

Back at the castle, John Smith is flocked with women (not a single good
looking lady in the lot), Pocahontas' stunt double steps in to fill for her
(Irene Bedard in animated form), and Rolfe gets to wear a new shirt.  While
John Smith is convincing the band to play "Getting Jiggy With It" Irene and
Rolfe have an uncomfortable conversation as they stand around the punch
bowl and wait for John Smith to arrive.  Which, of course, being the hero,
he does.

With Rolfe sinking quickly back into historical obscurity, Pocahontas and
John Smith bid each other a cheesy parting farewell.  After which they both
burst into laughter and the kiss that follows is cut from the movie, being
considered too long for young, impressionable viewers.

The next day, Pocahontas, in the beginning throes of small pox fever,
boards the wrong ship and instead of finding John Smith at the wheel,
discovers a dandified Rolfe lurking in the shadows.  His sudden appearance
and the fear that he is going to insist that she wear a corset again
combined with the fever push her over the edge into delirium and what Rolfe
mistakes for her melting into his arms is actually her passing out.

The ship, full of seal farmers bound for Antarctica, gets caught in the
setting sun as the ship sails out of the harbor and bursts into flame. 
Most of the crew and passengers go down with the ship but Rolfe is able to
get away on one of the few lifeboats by pretending to be a lost child's
father.

And as the thick smoke rises from the sinking remains of the aptly titled
Really, Really Big Ship, and the credits begin to roll, we, the audience,
can only sigh in relief, knowing, in our heart of hearts, that there's
still room for yet another sequel.

* * * * * *



The End