IRISH WIT The golf course was haunted by a malicious leprechaun who exploited the desperate ambitions of the poorer players. He slipped up beside one unfortunate man who was ploughing the fairway in a club competition. "Look," he said, "if you agree never to court a woman, flirt with a girl or marry, I'll help you win." "Done," shouted the young golfer with the desperate abandon of his breed. When the golfer was in the clubhouse changing and receiving the congratulations of the members, the leprechaun popped up on the shelf of the locker. "Hey," said the little elf, "I have to have your name for my records. What is it?" "Father Murphy," grinned the golfer as he adjusted his Roman collar. Casey is a taxi driver in London, and one day he was driving a tourist around the city, and they got talking. The tourist said to him, "It's easy to see that your parents came from Ireland." Casey said, "No, sir, they did not." The tourist said, "Do you mean to say that your parents did not come from Ireland?" Casey said, "No, sir, they're still there." A good Irish mother went to the telegraph office to send a message to her son Declan in Dublin. She seemed in some hesitation as she looked at the blank telegraph form, so the clerk offered to write the message for her. She said, "That wouldn't help at all, at all. He wouldn't know your handwriting." Murphy, Duggan and Malone were moving furniture out of their van. While Duggan and Murphy struggled with a huge oak wardrobe, Duggan noticed that Malone was missing. "Where the devil is Malone? He should be helping us with this." "And so he is," said Murphy, "He's inside holdin' the clothes-hangers in place." Casey walked into Danaher's carpentry shop and said, "Can you make me a box fifty feet long and one inch wide?" "I never built anything like that before" said the carpenter, "But it could be done. Why would you want a box fifty feet long and one inch wide?" Casey said, "My neighbour moved out of town and left his garden hose, and now he wants me to ship it to him." Murphy's mother-in-law was walking around the farm, when his mule attacked her and she died. Five hundred people, mostly men, turned up for the funeral. After the funeral, Fr. O'Toole said to Murphy, "I never realised how popular your mother-in-law was. Imagine, five hundred people here for her funeral." Murphy said, "Father, they're not here for the funeral. They're here to buy the mule." Casey was applying for a job as a prison Guard. The warden said to him, "Now there are some real tough guys here. Do you think you can handle it?" Casey said, "No problem at all. If they don't behave...Out they go!" Father Scally stopped Owen on his way into the church. "Owen, could you come back tomorrow night for confession? We have hundreds in the church at the moment. You haven't committed a murder since the last time?" "Indeed I haven't, Father. I'll come back tomorrow night." On his way out he met Declan. "Go home, Declan, and come back tomorrow. They're only hearing the murderers tonight." A young man named Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job." Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!" Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed." Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" Manager: "Simple. The American put down on question # 5, 'I don't know.' You put down 'Neither do I.'" "What were you saying to that man just now?" "He wanted to give me the winner of the Irish Grand National." "And would you not take it?" "Of course not, sure we've only a very small garden." Some time ago there happened to be an Irishman looking for work. He was not qualified to do anything much so he couldn't be choosy. He went to see a guy how ran a big business painting the lines on the roads of England. The man hired the Irishman and asked him to start the very next day. The next morning the Irishman arrived on time and was very enthusiastic. The owner of the business handed Irish a brush and pot of paint. That day the Irishman, keen to impress,had over a mile of the road painted. The foreman was indeed delighted with his new employee. The next day the Irishman arrived and worked all day but was only able to complete a half mile. Nothing was said, but it didn't go unnoticed. The next day came and unfortunately the Irishman didn't even get 100 yards completed. The boss was very annoyed about this dramatic loss of performance and called the Irishman into the site office. The boss was not pleased and questioned why the Irishman was taking so long so he asked the Irishman why he was taking so long, the Irishman replyed that the paint was getting farther and farther away so was take long to get back to it   Navigation Around My Pages  I call This Page The Ever Changing page This month Happy Mothers Day Facts and history of the Canadian 10 Provinces and 3 Territories Page 12: Page 13: Page 14: Page 15: Page 16: Page 17: Page 18: Page 19: Page 20: Page 21: Page 22: Page 23: This Page has been visited times since May 20th 1999