HOW TO GIVE YOUR
CAT A PILL
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1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms.
Cradle its head on your elbow,
just as if you were giving a baby a bottle
"Coo confidently,"
That's a nice kitty."
Drop pill into its mouth.
2.
Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill
from under sofa.
3. Follow same procedure as in #1,
but hold cat's front paws
with left hand and back paws
down with elbow of right arm.
Poke pill into its mouth with right
Forefinger
4.
Retrieve cat from under bed.
Get new pill from bottle.
(Resist impulse to get new cat.)
5.
Again proceed as in #1,
except when you have cat firmly
cradled in bottle-feeding position,
sit down on edge of chair,
fold your torso over cat,
bring your right hand over your left elbow,
open cat's mouth by lifting
the upper jaw and pop the pill in quickly.
Since your head is down by your knees,
you won't be able to see what you're doing.
That's just as well.
6.
Leave cat hanging on drapes.
Leave pill in your hair.
7.
If you're a woman, have a good cry.
If you're a man, have a good cry.
8.
Now pull yourself together.
Who's the boss here anyway?
Retrieve cat and pill.
Assuming position #1,say sternly,
"Who's the boss here, anyway?"
Open cat's mouth,
take pill and---Ooooops!
9.
This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think.
Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
10.
Crawl to linen closet.
Drag back large beach towel.
Spread towel on floor.
11.
Retrieve cat from kitchen counter
and pill from potted plant.
12.
Spread cat on towel near one end with
its head overlong edge.
13.
Flatten cat's front and back legs over
its stomach.
(Resist impulse to flatten cat.)
14.
Roll cat in towel.
Work fast; time and tabbies wait for
no man or woman.
15.
Resume position #1.
Rotate your left hand to cat's head.
Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like
opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16.
Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently.
Voila! It's done.
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Dear Mom,
Our scout master told us all write to our parents in case you saw
the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and
2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned
because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it
happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK.
He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the
search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found
him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without
telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the
fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put
gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't
burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes.John is
going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed.
It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we
left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect
something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance
on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty,
and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets
pretty hot with 10 people in a car.
Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver.
In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him
drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we
ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming
out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't
swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he
let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still
see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster
Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad
about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on
the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When
Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet
works. Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably
was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken, he said they got
sick that way with the food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got
out and become our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to
get things done better while he was doing his time.
I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and
buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
Love, Your son
Cole
P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?
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Inquisitive Adam
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One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly
after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women.
So looking up to the heavens he says,
"Excuse me GOD, can I ask you a few questions?"
GOD replied, "Go on Adam but be quick.
I have a world to create."
So Adam says," When you created Eve, why did You make
her body so curvaceous and tender unlike mine?"
"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did You give her long, shiny,
beautiful hair, and not me?"
"I did that Adam so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did You make her so stupid?
Certainly not so that I could love her?"
"No, so that she would love YOU!"
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' Training Course
Now Available For Men
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Classes Start Soon -- Sign up Now
1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The
Mop
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The
Sponge
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing
the Dead
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the
Linoleum?: You CAN Tell the Difference!
6. If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I
7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In
the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II
8. Going to the Supermarket:
It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics
Came In
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the
Boxes that the Electronics Came In
11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard
Clippings from the Sink
12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell
When You're About to run out of Toilet Paper!
14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate
15-Year-Old Levis to Goodwill
15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s
Polyester Shirts
16. No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing
the Limitations of Your Kitchenware
17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care about
Four Down in the cryptic crossword
19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut
20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies
That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category
21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!":
Why Women Laugh
23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet
24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under
the Bed
25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS
Empty
27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During
Halftime
29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have
Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It
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Facts and history of the Canadian 10 Provinces
and 3 Territories
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I call This Page
The Ever Changing page
This month Happy Mothres Day
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