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Shorter Jokes
Patience Wins The farmer killed a pig and hung it up for the night, intending to butcher it in the morning, but the next day it was gone. He didn't tell a soul about it, and nothing happened for more than two months. Then another farmer, who lived down the road, came by and said, "By the way, Josh, did you ever find out who stole your pig?" "Nope,"said Josh."Not till just now." -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Camping in Alaska In case anyone is considering doing some camping this summer, please note the following public service announcement: In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells warn away MOST bears. Tourists are also cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Grizzly Bears. One can tell a Grizzly dropping because it has tiny bells in it =-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Justice A judge is going through his notes in the courtroom corridor on the way to his office. "Looks guilty to me," he says about the first case. "I object," says the man's lawyer, who was also in the corridor. "A man is innocent until proven broke. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Out of the mouths of babes... A couple invited some people to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," she said. The daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner? =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Out of the mouths of babes... Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
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This was taken from the Alameda County District Attorney's Office publication "The Point of View" In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining a pathologist. Here's what happened: ATTORNEY: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse? CORONER: No. ATTORNEY: Did you listen to the heart? CORONER: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? CORONER: No. ATTORNEY: So, when you signed the death certificate you weren't sure the man was dead, were you? CORONER: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.... _____________________________ IF MICROSOFT BUILT CARS 1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car. 2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on. 3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail to restart, and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too. 4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats. 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive - but would only run on 5 percent of the roads. 6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower. 7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light. 8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. 9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off. 10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea of what happened. _____________________________ Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant. "Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer. They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please". The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer. When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please!" ________________________ Blonde on a desert island =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= A blonde, a brunette and a readhead are stuck on an island. And for year and years they live there, one day they find a magic lamp. They rub and rub and sure enough out comes a genie. The genie says, "since I can only give out 3 wishes, you may each have one." So the brunette goes first, "I have been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my husband and my life-- I just want to go home." And POOF she was gone. The red head makes her wish. "Living in this place is really the pits. I want to go home too!" And poof she was gone. The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie says to her, "my dear what is the matter?" The blonde says, "I wish my friends were here." =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL 1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop the pill in its mouth. 2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp & pill from under sofa. 3. Follow same proceedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand & back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger. 4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (resist impulse to get new cat.) 5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw & pop pill in - quickly! Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you are doing. That's just as well. 6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair. 7 If you are a woman, have a good cry. If you are a man, have a good cry. 8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat & pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the the boss here anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill & ....Oooops! 9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse & think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos. 10. Crawl to the linen closet. Drag back a large beach towl. Spread towel on floor. 11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter & pill from potted plant. 12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge. 13. Flatten cat's front & back legs over its stomach. (resist impulse to flatten cat.) 14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time & tabbies wait for no man - or woman! 15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon. 16. Drop pill into cat's mouth & poke gently. Voila! It's done! 17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours). 18. Take two asprins & lie down. ________________________
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