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Funnies!
Funnies Two
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My Awards
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About My Family
How I Parent
My Testimony
Be a Wise Woman
My Pregnancy Journal
Funnies Two!
Interesting Program
Dear Tech Support,
I am writing this letter as a last resort. Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization,where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but un-install does not work on this program.
Can you help me, please!!!
Thanks, Joe
Dear Joe: This is a very common problem that men complain about but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything.
It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.
Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings - alimony/Child Support." I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.
Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of the"Esc" key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances,install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck. Tech Support.
1. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...
2. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
3. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"
4. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
5. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
6. I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands >on beer cans.
7. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.
8. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use....toothpicks ?
9. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office ? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail ?
10. How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
11. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are > the OTHERS here for?
12. Clones are people two.
13. If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong ?
14. Go ahead and take risks....just be sure that everything will turn out OK.
15. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
16. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag ?
17. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
18. Think "honk" if you're telepathic.
19. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation ?
20. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
21. I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
22. So what's the speed of dark?
23. After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water ?
24. Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
25. If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
26. I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me > are furious.
27. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
28. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny>?
29. Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
30. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
31. Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak ?
32. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
33. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be ?
Photo Radar
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo: handcuffs.
The following are actual, unedited, notes written by doctors on patients' medical charts:
1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
2. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared completely.
3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
7. Healthy appearing, decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused an autopsy.
9. The patient has no past history of suicides.
10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a forty pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
15. She is numb from her toes down.
16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated, and sent home.
17. The skin was moist and dry.
18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree.
30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
RED-NECK LOVE POEM
Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue and
I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flappin' in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.
You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work, they all want to know,
what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.
Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt .
When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank,
we go together like a skunk goes with stank.
You rub tar on my head when them lice gives me fits,
I luv ya better than a bowl of possum grits.
Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.
Some men git roses on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey, these won't do.
Cause yor'e too special, you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds... IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!
In celebration of Women's History Month:
Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, "I'm tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed." She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches, rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the tableand started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning. She then put some wet clothes into the dryer, put a load of clothes into the wash, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button. She picked up the newspapers strewn on the floor, picked up the game pieces left on the table and put the telephone book back into the drawer. She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry. She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a textbook out from hiding under the chair. She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse. Mom then creamed her face, put on moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and trimmed her nails. Hubby called, "I thought you were going to bed." "I'm on my way," she said. She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked. She looked in on each of the kids and turned out a bedside lamp, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks in the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework. In her own room, she set the alarm, laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack and added three things to her list of things to do for tomorrow. About that time, the hubby turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular "I'm going to bed," and he did.
Breaking The Silence
Brother John entered the 'Monastery of Silence' and the Chief Priest said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so." Brother John lived in the monastery for a full year before the Chief Priest said to him: "Brother John, you have been here a year now, you may speak two words." Brother John said, "Hard Bed." "I'm sorry to hear that" the Chief Priest said. "We will get you a better bed." The next year, Brother John was called by the Chief Priest. "You may say another two words Brother John." "Cold Food." said Brother John, and the Chief Priest assured him that the food would be better in the future. On his third anniversary at the monastery, the Chief Priest again called Brother John into his office. "Two words you may say today." "I Quit." said Brother John. "It is probably best." said the Chief Priest. "All you have done since you got here is complain."
Holmes and Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. 'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.' Watson replied, 'I see millions and millions of stars.' 'What does that tell you?' Watson pondered for a minute. 'Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that the lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?' Holmes was silent for a moment, then spoke. 'Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent.
When you THINK you have a bad day, remember this one...
I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror --- wearing nothing but a camera!
Not So Smart People Sightings
Sighting #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."
Sighting #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"
Sighting #3:
At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "this is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.
Sighting #4:
I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.
Sighting #5:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician,"It's open!" "I know," answered the young man.- "I already got that side."
Church Bulletin Bloopers
The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning.
Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again", giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Taylors. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for fun time.
Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
The peace-making meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
Tonight's sermon-"What is hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
The sermon this morning: Jesus walks on the water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
The agenda was adopted..the minutes were approved..the financial secretary gave a grief report.
Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.
Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Name: Bertha Belch. Announcement: "Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa."
Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals.