One day, as I was admiring my collection, I asked myself, "If my precious dolls were crying, would I be able to see their tears?". That blessed event, sparked the title of this story. These notes are from Senchona`s journal.

Welcome to my world. My name is "Senchona", better known as "Chynadoll". I am 25 years old single mom. My daughter`s name is "La-Chynae` Taria" and her nickname is "Chy-Chy". She is the light of my life and my reason for living.

I am the 2nd child born of 5 children. I was a cute baby. I did not cry a lot. As I became older, I was very popular and attractive, I had long brown hair which complimented my hazel eyes. I had plenty of friends, Just ask anyone, "Do you know light-eyed Chyna on Dale street?", The answer would be YES, everyone knew who I was. My other nickname was "the little mother of the house" because I literally took care of the house, I cooked, I cleaned and I babysat while my mother worked 3 jobs.

I had been modeling since I was a baby. I even had my picture in a baby magazine and when I lived in St.Croix U.S. Virgin Island, I was in a baby commercial. I have a total of 67 awards that I received during the time I attended grammar school, straight through to high school, I even won a spelling bee contest and received a trophy. I took up CheerLeading at the Roxbury YMCA.

I was a great youth leader of a youth organization called "DOVES OF DALE", which I started myself.
I took care of special needs children and adults (Wally, David and the twins). I also took care of a few elderly people in my neighborhood. I would do grocery shop for them and clean their homes. I even read the bible to them. I used go to ceramic class at Eliot Church.

I was vice-president for the NAACP at Roxbury college, where I attended for extra credit courses. I graduated from Barbizon Modeling School and Bryman`s Medical School. All this while taking care of my partially blind baby brother "Sirrayne" who we call "Bayboy", my younger brother "Sarbryon"(Boo) and my younger sister "Sunzette" (Sunni) and of course my mother, who is now disabled.

BUT my beautiful world came crashing in on that dreaded November 21, 1998.
I went to the hospital, thinking I had an eye infection, because my eye was hurting and very red. To my surprise, the hospital kept me for a week, that is when I found out that I had END STAGE RENAL DISEASE.

Renal disease is kidney failure? I couldn`t believe a young healthy person as myself was affected this way. One week after I was diagnosed with END STAGE Renal Disease. (End Stage is the worst case you can have).
My oldest brother "Sorrab" (Rob)who was 23 years old was also diagnosed with renal disease. What are the odds of 2 family members coming down with the same disease, same month, a week apart. I was devastated and scared. A million questions raced through my head.

I thought my life was over.

What was my life going to be like?

What was I going to do now?

Who will take care of my daughter?

Why me Lord, why me? Before I left the hospital, the doctors put a catheter in my neck, so I could get dialysis, 3 times a week. Dialysis is when the fluids pass through a semipermeable membrane, which filters the fluids. I take Hemodialysis which is the type of dialysis done outside the body and use my own blood. You go to a dialysis unit in your area, stay on the machine for 4 hours, 3 times a week.

When I got home from the hospital, I was greeted by a social worker from DSS (dept. of social services) Apparently someone felt I was too sickly to be a "good" mother and filed a 51A (child neglect) on me while I was in the hospital. The case was dismissed.

About 2 weeks later, the catheter (A tube) in my neck fell out while I was sleeping. I could of bled to death right in front of my daughter. Thank God I didn`t.

So the doctors had to put the catheter in the left side of my neck. I knew the terrible pain I was about to endure so I cried during the whole procedure, which was all night long.

My brother "ROB" was hospitalized many times because his catheter got infected. Several weeks later,I had to stay overnight in the hospital so I could get a GRAFT put into my left arm, a graft is a synthetic piece of material that the surgeon puts under the skin and connects one end to the artery and the other end to the vein.

NOW, I can not go traveling or work a full-time job because I don`t have the strength. My arm is always sore and bruised. I wear long sleeve shirts so people do not stare at the huge lumps on my arms. Each time I get dialysis, the graft swells and gets bigger and bigger, sometimes to the size of an italian sausage.

I take 39 pills daily and I am only allowed 3 very SMALL cups of fluid or crushed ice each day.

All of my friends are gone, except for my daughter`s godmother and her family (Ms Jones) and my cousin (khema). I don`t even get phonecalls. My mother`s friend once told us, the reason my mother had 2 kids on dialysis is because some anti-something group was poisoning only the water in the black community. Thank God, my mother did not listen to everything that people would tell her.

Sometimes when I talk to people, they do not even look in my face, they think I am doing drugs or getting high because my eyes are always red and my skin color is gray,flaky and blotchie. A girl has taken my identity as light-eyed Chyna on Dale street and I heard she is leaving a "bad" reputation behind.

I can not eat:

  chocolate,
milk,
cheese,
ice-cream,
beans,
nuts,
potatoes,
tomatoes,
orange juice,
bananas are not a part of my food intake any more.

I have a lot of dreams to come true. I pray everyday for the Lord to heal my kidneys so they can work normally again. I really miss cooking dinners for the seniors who are not able to cook themselves. I call it "FAMILY DAY". but for now I use the little strength I have to spend it with my daughter.

I have to accompany my mother to her hospital appointments and I have to accompany "Bay" to his hospital appointments too. He is going every week now. My new nickname are "dirty kidney girl" or "Miss lazy" because the treatments drain my energy so much that I sleep 15 hours a day.

My precious daughter Chy-Chy is always trying to baby me by tucking me in bed or feeding me. Now she thinks she is the mommy and I am the baby. Thank God, My mother took care of her while I was hospitalized or at dialysis.

*June 17, 2000. This year I have been hospitalized 6 times due to my fistula clotted and causing my arm, not to get circulation. (fistula is using my own veins and arteries)

*June 2001- I have graduated from Bryman`s and Now I am volunteering at a Children`s Hospital cancer unit. Rob has a kidney transplant but it rejected.

*August,2001-I am now selling AVON cosmetics & RELIV products, I also make gift baskets for the sick and shut-ins. Here is some information from different foundations about Kidney disease and of course, my story.

https://members.tripod.com/~Massappeal/kidney.html

Also you can check out my baby brother`s BAY`s home page on

  "Eye-Care"

https://members.tripod.com/~Massappeal/eye.html

Sirrayne was blinded the same time Rob and I got stricken with this disease. He wrote a book about how he became partially blind. He was only 8 years old at the time. I guess that is his way of coping with the pain.

*Dec 23,2002-I want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I must say it has not been easy and sometimes I am amazed that I am able to make it from one day to the next. It has been a while since I have written to keep you updated.

I have been hospitalized 10 times for infection and had 20 surgeries. My hair fell out and I ended up bald.

*August 12, 2002, my doctor ( I will not mention his name for personal reasons) took me off the transplant list. After many prayers, he put me back on November 5, 2002.

On *September 23, 2003. I received a phone call around 2AM, it was my nurse from the dialysis unit calling to tell me to come into the hospital, they found a donor that matched my blood. You see I have type B blood. I can only receive from a donor with type B or type O blood. I heard that my donor was a young man from the midwest who passed from a seizure. I hope to meet his family one day and say THANKS. I stayed in the hospital for 5 days.

I started off taking 30 pills, While I am going through all of this, I am a good mother to Chy-Chy, I still take care of my mother AKA Sister Carolyn. I have a great bunch of new friends. The good thing is "NO MORE DIALYSIS(Thank God). I did visit the dialysis unit and gave flowers to all the staff. I hope I made their day.

*Today is December 8, 2003 and I only take 15 pills, I`m even on steroids. I am still in a lot of pain. But as soon as I am able to, "Chy-chy" and I are going to go somewhere special together. She deserves it. I`d like to take her to Disney World one day. Right now, but I am not able to afford it.

I still want to work in the medical field but only in a dialysis unit. I want to give back what those wonderful doctors and nurses gave to me
-LIFE.

Today is September 14th, 2004. It has been almost a year since the transplant. I went to classes and worked a few months to be a CNA
(certified nurses assistant). I am still a little tired so I am resting and trying to regain a little strength to continue the classes.

I still have high hopes for the future. Happy Holidays!!!!!!!!!

God bless with lots of love

-Senchona "Chynadoll" Loving

Sister Carolyn`s notes:

Senchona has always been a caring person. Even though she was only 20 years old when she was first diagnosed with Renal Disease, she has shined brighter than the stars in the sky on a cloudless night. She managed to put everyone first before herself. Just the fact that she wants to help others that are going through what she once went through. Makes me very proud to be her mother.

God bless