500 Words: Four Star Weekend By Maureen B. Ocks maureen_b_ocks@yahoo.com Disclaimer: Fox Mulder, Dana Scully and all other familiar X Files characters belong to Chris Carter, 1013 Productions and FOX. No copyright infringement intended. Rated "R" for reviews. x-x-x Four Seasons Hotel Los Angeles at Beverly Hills March 17, 2000 9:45am Mulder was wearing the complimentary robe out on the balcony. Scully spent ten minutes looking for it. Remembering a clean one in her suite, she'd grab it before her 10am spa appointment. On the balcony, Mulder was bent over his laptop using the dataport discretely hidden in what otherwise looked like antique furniture. "Surfing for reviews?" "I think Elvis Mitchell in the Times has the best line. 'If you're going to miss one movie this year, make it 'The Lazarus Bowl'.'" "Ouch." "I earned a mention in the St. Louis Post-Dispatch." "Okay." "Gary Shandling stars as an FBI Agent with the rather unlikely name of Fox Mulder." "That's not bad." "I spent four months there in 1991 running after a serial killer." "And, what, you're upset that didn't get made into a movie?" "I'm upset because the Post-Dispatch interviewed me a couple of times. They know damn well there is an FBI Agent named Fox Mulder." "Maybe they thought they were doing you a favor." She put her sunglasses on and checked that the bath sheet was secure before joining him on the balcony. "What do they say about your girlfriend, Tea Leoni?" "Newsday says 'Leoni's character looks like she arrived with her own $5,000-a-day stylist, which brings up one of the fundamental problems of the movie. Never for a second do you believe in the reality of any of these characters.'" "Great, I'm a character, not a person." "Thumbs down from Roger Ebert. 'One of the worst movies I've ever seen.'" "The man wrote 'Beyond the Valley of the Dolls'. He'd know bad movies." "We're never going to live this down." Mulder put his head in his hands. "Mulder, you're Spooky in the basement. I'm Mrs. Spooky who shot you. You attacked Associate Producer Walter Skinner, I spent a night in jail for contempt of Congress. Believe me, a few bad reviews will not alter the legends of Fox Mulder and Dana Scully." "Legends?" "You know anyone else in the Bureau with a movie coming out this year?" "True." "I'm late for my studio-paid spa day. You have plans?" "Go to Malibu, maybe try to run into Tea Leoni on the beach." He wiggled his eyebrows and she couldn't help but smile. "The movie company is sending a limo for dinner at Spago's." "Better idea. Cancel the limo, enjoy room service and the best hotel we've stayed in seven years." "No meeting A-list celebrities?" Mulder looked back at his laptop. "'The Lazarus Bowl' makes 'Hudson Hawk' look like a hiccup, 'Ishtar' like a minor misstep. It's the stuff "Mystery Science Theater 3000s" are made of.'" "Low profile it is." Scully started to make her way back through his hotel room. "Scully, I won't go running on the beach looking for Tea Leoni if you don't want me to." "Have your fun, Mulder, but just remember, she's in love with Assistant Director Walter Skinner." "Aren't we all?" x-x-x The reviews quoted in the piece are actually "Gigli" reviews from a number of different papers: Talking Pictures: "If you're going to skip one film this year, make it "Gigli"." Deseret News: "Affleck stars as the title character, a palooka with the rather unlikely name of Larry Gigli." LA Daily News: "Lopez's character looks like she arrived with her own $6,000-a-day stylist, which brings up one of the fundamental problems of the movie. Never for a second do you believe in the reality of any of these characters." Richard Roeper of "Ebert & Roeper": "One of the worst movies I've ever seen." The Atlanta Journal Constitution: ""Gigli" makes "Hudson Hawk" look like a hiccup, "Ishtar" like a minor misstep. It's the stuff "Mystery Science Theater 3000s" are made of." Thanks to Bone for the BtH idea. Shari for being the world's best beta, MCA for saying the nicest things possible and being a wonderful swap partner. Blue for sending me a little something to beat the heat. Feedback will be poured over, much like Mulder with the reviews. maureen_b_ocks@yahoo.com