Weddings are rough...but RELATIONSHIPS are even harder...

That's what these pages are dedicated to - building strong marriages and relationships. And who am I to talk? Well, I realize I'm not married yet, but that doesn't mean that I haven't done the research to find out the keys to a successful relationship. I am currently taking an "engagement" class at my church - and through that class and my own studies, I have found a LOT of information worth passing on to others about the amazing relationship that is marriage!

For starters, WHAT IS LOVE?.

People have sung songs about it, written plays about it, spent their lives looking for it...but do we REALLY know what we sing about, write about and search for? Some say they do, and here is a general synopsis of what "they" are saying about

The 4 Kinds of Love

There are four kinds of love that people experience.

  • Eros: A sexual and physical intense reaction and chemistry upon meeting.
  • Romance: An emotional "falling in love", consisting of flowers and candy and “courting” the other person to sway them to your favor.
  • Philia: Friendship love. Openness with each other, companionship, sense of belonging, sense of comfort.
  • Agape: Unconditional love. A love that is based on the other person. A sense of self-sacrifice. This is a love of choice (i.e., I want to make you happy). This love is more based on ACTION rather than EMOTION.

    Relationships are Crazy!

    There are many combinations of these kinds of love, and I’m sure you can see YOUR relationship in ALL of these. That is wonderful! If you DON’T see these in your relationship, then it’s time to do some searching and to see if you are in a healthy relationship!

    Now, below you'll see a chart that outlines the three basic kinds of love in a relationship. Click on any of the words to find out some brief details on each of these three and then we'll learn about the pitfalls of the phrase "two out of three ain't bad."

    Intimacy Passion Commitment

    Here are the Combinations

    Personality Goes a Long Way

    Remember that quote from Pulp Fiction? It's true - personality DOES go a long way! Would the subdued Elizabeth Taylor have been the sex symbol she was in the Fifties if she had acted more like the girl next door Doris Day? Would Madonna be Madonna if she had acted more like her NAME than the antithesis of it? You can always here a good conversation about personalities! Quiet people, loud people. There is a huge dynamic within one group - and a more diverse one with one couple! I invite you to go to The Personality Page to learn more about YOUR personality type!

    Communication is Key

    Ask anyone about their relationship, and they will stress that communication is the most important thing any couple can have. And this is completely true! But did you know that there are five levels to good communication? And there are also four ways to miscommunicate - and you may not even realize you do it!

    Good communication is built in the beginning by who you are, and later by what you do! This means that when you and your partner first met, that you were able to communicate effectively because you were interested in the other person, and who he/she was. But as your relationship grew, so did your knowledge of that person grow, and so your communication moved to being more about what you do as a result of really knowing that person!

    Five Levels of Communication in a Relationship
  • Clichè - The "How are you?" level of communication. Picture a cocktail party...lots of noise, but little substance. This level of communication is basically 'small talk'.
  • Fact - The "Six O'Clock News" level of communication. This is the 'what you know' level. Not personal, but it shows your level of information in a non-threatening way.
  • Opinion - The "You know what I think" level of communication. This is a little more personal, when you share your ideas and judgements on things, whether they be personal or social.
  • Emotion - The "I feel that" level of communication. If you want a good relationship, you at least have to get to this level. This is where a couple tells how they actually FEEL about their Opinions and Facts. The couple share joys and sorrows together.
  • Transparency - This level is hard to get to - because it has the most risk. At this level, a couple is totally truthful with each other, to the point of complete vulnerability. On this level you show who you REALLY are - warts and all.

    Most couples can get to Level Four (Emotion) to have a good marriage, but to have a GREAT marriage - we should seek to reach Level Five.

    Now, along with GOOD communication, we all have forms of BAD communication. It has been said that SILENCE is a lack of communication, but it is actually a FORM of miscommunication. I know I'm guilty of it! Silence is born out of fear in a relationship. Fear of pain, fear of vulnerability, and fear of inadequacy. If you are greeted by silence while trying to communicate with your partner, then try and help your mate figure out WHERE the silence comes from. Chances are, it may be one of those three things...and together you can fix it!

    Four Types of Miscommunicators

  • Placating - The "Yes" person. This person is eager to please. Frequently will say "Whatever you want is fine with me, honey." This person wants to keep the peace at any price, and doesn't express anger well. The Placater is left feeling useless and worthless because they never express their opinion The Placater has to learn it's okay to disagree
  • Blaming - This person looks for faults. May say something like "You didn't do this right." Ultra-critical. The Blamer is left feeling unworthy and unloveable and tries to bring everyone down with them The Blamer has to learn to speak on their own behalf, instead of inditing others
  • Computer Style - The Calm Cool and Collected One. This person is rational and reasonable - and completely emotionless. He may say "Upset? I'm not upset! Why do you think I'm upset?" The Computor prefers facts to emotions and treats problems the same way. The Computor needs to learn to deal with emotions.
  • Distracting - This person resorts to irrelevancies and gives indirect answers. In the extreme, he might say "There's no problem - let's go to the movies!" The Distracter is left with constant problems because nothing is ever addressed The Distracter needs to learn that conflicts CAN be resolved.

    Do you see yourself in these types? There are others that I'm sure you can think of, but believe it or not, 50% of men say they fall into the first category: The Placater

    Resolving Conflict

    The goal of a relationship should NOT be to never have conflict. Without conflicts, a relationship can't grow. Conflict is not always bad. It shows differences and misunderstandings, but as we work out these conflicts, we will find our relationship getting better!

    Four Ways To Sabotage a Relationship With Conflict

  • Over-criticism - when you attack someone's personality rather than their behavior. There is a difference between complaining and criticism. Complaining starts with "I", for example: "I never get to spend time with you anymore." Criticism starts with "You", for example: "You never spend time with me." See the difference?
  • Contempt - it's a harsh word, but still holds true. When the intention is to insult someone. It is namecalling, mockery, and statements such as "I don't know how I ever ended up with you."
  • Defensiveness - this is a reflex reaction for 99% of all people. It's an attitude of "It's not my fault". Those who feel defensive will make excuses and deny responsibility for any kind of problem.
  • Stonewalling - the act of "clamming up" about anything. This is the supreme lack of communication, and can lend an air of disapproval to the person that is being stonewalled.

    All of these things can lend itself to strain in a relationship. I can't deny that I go through any of those emotions, but the key is to recognize when I'm entering one of those zones and trying to stop it before it goes to far and creates a hurtful situation with my loved one. As I said a moment ago, Conflict in itself is not bad. There are healthy ways to have conflict. Not surprisingly, most of them have to do with how we communicate our concerns and differences.

    Healthy Conflict

  • Don't run from conflict - it's okay to disagree! The key is to listen actively and participate in the conversation.

  • Choose your battles carefully. Ask yourself, "Is it really THAT important the the toothpaste be squeezed from the bottom?". In a phrase: don't sweat the small stuff!

  • Define your issues clearly when it gets tense. If you are angry that he came home late for dinner, then argue about that, not about how terrible his job is.

  • State your feelings directly - don't beat around the bush. To illustrate this point, we'll call it the "XYZ" scenario.
    "X" is the situation
    "Y" is what's happening
    "Z" is the result
    Here's an example: When you travel on the road (X), and you don't call to tell me you miss me (B), then I feel lonely and unloved (Z).

    See how that works? It's much better than saying "You never call me when you travel", which has an accusatory tone to it. This will cause the other person to get defensive, and will lead to a breakdown in communication - thus causing greater conflict!!!

  • Rate the intensity of your feelings from one to ten. One is "I'm not enthusiastic, but it's no big deal to me", and 10 is "No way! OVER MY DEAD BODY!". If you feel yourself getting up near even 6 or 7 ("I don't not approve and cannot go along with it"), then it's time to sit down and really talk about what's going on in the relationship.

  • Be polite with each other! There should be no putdowns during conflict, because it'll lead to bad communication and no resolution of conflict!

  • Stick to one issue (which is similar to defining issues). Don't dwell on the "kitchen sink". This means: if you are arguing about dinner at the mother in law's house, then don't bring up the time he forgot to take out the trash last year.

    The key is to figure out what you can do to DIFFUSE the conflict. How can you resolve it effectively? Obviously, talking about it will do the trick, but if we can't articulate our feelings without losing control or becoming irrational, then we need to learn how to handle that strong emotion and deal with the subject later. Better to calm down and discuss it later than to continue the argument and possibly have it grow into something larger.

    Response to Conflict

    Now, besides STARTING conflict, we also need to deal with our RESPONSES to conflict. If we are faced with a challenging situation, there are 5 typical responses that we have. Those include withdrawal, intimidation, yielding, compromise, and resolution. Following is more detail on each of these:

  • Withdraw: the act of physically, mentally, emotionally and psychologically creating distance from the situation. This person tends to bury the conflict - which doesn't solve anything. In fact, burying conflict will create more intensity in the conflict when it arises again at a later date.
  • Intimidation: the act of "winning at all costs" during a conflict. This person looks after her own interests during a conflict and feels as though her self-image is being threatened. The relationship is 2nd to winning the argument - which is detrimental!!!
  • Yielding: Putting it simply: this person gives in too easily and takes the path of least resistance to avoid conflict.
  • Compromising: To let up on demands so that there is an "even" number of wins and losses. Unfortunately, while this is a good response to conflict in most ways, the more one compromises, the more one loses her perspective. If all you do is compromise, it will drain the relationship eventually.
  • Resolution: Obviously, the BEST way to respond to conflict. This is when you CHOOSE to RESOLVE the problem. It involves open and direct conversation, and it is the only approach that helps to BUILD the relationship. It doesn't sweep the problem under the carpet, but seeks to really come to a decision about the particular crisis.

    Conflict demands loving confrontation and openness. In turn, this determination to resolve differences should be greeted with understanding and a willingness to help. When conflict goes unresolved, anger can set in. The longer the conflict goes unresolved, the more anger takes hold and affects the relationship. And, if anger is not dealt with - depression takes hold and deteriorate chances for resolution even more.

    Forgiveness
    In dealing with forgiveness, there are two parts. First, we must SEEK forgiveness when we have done something wrong. This means admitting we've been wrong and a willingness to say "I'm sorry" for specific reasons. Too often when we say "I'm sorry" we are not saying what we are sorry for. BE SPECIFIC. If you did something wrong but only feel sorry for getting CAUGHT, then saying "I'm sorry" doesn't mean much. So it's important to be specific in WHY you are apologizing.

    The second part to forgiveness is GRANTING forgiveness. Granting forgiveness means acknowledging that you were hurt and unconditionally forgiving that person. Granting forgiveness is not a cure for the hurt, nor is it forgetting what happened.

    Forgiveness is...

  • the beginning of the healing process to restore trust
  • the attitude of letting go of resentment
  • releasing the right to bring it up again

    Notice this last one. A moment ago I said that forgiveness is NOT "forgive and forget", but granting forgiveness IS "forgive and don't mention again". See the difference? It's important to acknowledge that difference in order to truly forgive and respect your partner and to receive that same forgiveness and respect from your partner.

    Let's Talk About Sex

    First and foremost: a satisfying sex life is result of a satisfying relationship - not the other way around! Having said that, there are 5 crucial decisions that a pre-wedding couple needs to make regarding their relationship prior to marriage.

    5 Crucial Decisions to Make

  • We need to examine our sex education. Society tells us certain messages about sex. It has also conditioned individuals to believe certain erroneous things. The old "If you loved me you would..." scenario. Well, this is certainly true! But the sentence SHOULD finish "...wait until we are married."
  • Seek healing of sexual abuses. This can mean mental, physical or otherwise. Counselling is NECESSARY before endeavoring into a marriage.
  • Make the decision to ACCEPT your spouse. Our partners need an affirmation of worth - both strengths and weaknesses.
  • Take about practicalities. This should be an easy one. This involves contraception, family planning, likes/dislikes of sexual activity. It can be a difficult topic to discuss, but it is perhaps one of the most important ones.
  • Keep working on the relationship. "Lovemaking" happens LONG before you enter the bedroom. It starts when you publicly affirm your relationship in marriage.

    Do these things sound odd to you? Are you saying to yourself, "Is she kidding? Abstinence? I don't think so..."

    Did you know that statistics show that 50% of all divorces are resultant of infidelity? And overwhelmingly those couples had slept together before marriage?

    The Best Reasons to Wait Until Marriage

    1) If you wait it will build your relationship in a more balanced way. Other areas can develop more fully.

    2) If you wait it will build character traits in your relationship such as honesty, dignity, honor, and modesty.

    3) If you wait it will built a stronger foundation for your marriage through self-denial and obedience to God's blessing

    4) It will protect your relationship from "diseases". Not only the physical STDs, but relational.

    5) If you wait it will increase your testimony power! What you do effects those around you. In twenty years, how do you expect to tell you children to abstain from premarital sex when you didn't abstain yourself?

    Talk with your partner and debate as to whether you want to abstain from sexual activity. It's a hard decision to make, but it's possibly the most important pre-wedding decision you can make. Forget the flowers and who's doing the catering. Concentrate on your RELATIONSHIP. If you love each other enough, you can make the resolution together to wait until the honeymoon to enjoy each other's offerings.