Mike Ixnay: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Monday Night Massacre!!! I am Mike Ixnay...

Larry Nabsico: And I'm Larry Nabsico...

(both laugh)

Mike Ixnay: Oh you silly thing... Saturday Night in Little Rock, Sauce won the Lord of the Rings in one of the most controversial ending in wrestling history! Also, Ru made his return to NEW in a shoot aganst Mikey, and BuckMaster is apparently back in NEW after Buckbombing PDC off the stage at the Hall of Fame induction... let's go to the ring as we go to Ru's first match back in NEW against Drifter...

(bell rings)

Ru v. Drifter (anything goes)

Mike Ixnay: The bell rings and Ru starts to empty the shopping cart. He throws a inflatable hooker doll in the ring, a vibrator, whips, chains, hair gel???

Larry Nabisco: Looks like a upperclass porno....

Mike Ixnay: SHUT THE F*CK UP!!! Drifter grabs the vibrator and Ru throws in the cart and... RU PULLS OUT A DILDO!!! Drifter and Ru are having a sword fight with a woman's best friend...

Larry Nabisco: What her pus...

Mike Ixnay: SHUT UP!!! Drifter is in the corner and... THE VIBRATOR SHOOTS OUT A THICK WHITE LIQUID!!!

Larry Nabisco: Reminds you of home huh???

Mike Ixnay: DUDE!!! Drifter with a back body drop. Drifter goes out and grabs a table.

Larry Nabisco: He sets it up and he starts to chackle Ru...

Mike Ixnay: Ru is helpless...

Larry Nabisco: I think I saw this on HBO last night...

Mike Ixnay: DUDE!!! Drifter lays Ru on the table and he grabs the whip. He swings and... RU GRABS THE WHIP AND STARTS TO WRESTLER AROUND WITH DRIFTER OVER THE WHIP!!!

Larry Nabisco: Yep... I saw this last night...

Mike Ixnay: Uh.... NEVERMIND!!! Ru grabs the whip and he's beating Drifter with it!!!

Ru: YOU MY B*TCH??? WHO YO DADDY??? WHO THE KING???

Mike Ixnay: MY GOD!!! Ru straps Drifter to the table and... HE GRABS THE DOLL!!! Ru is setting the doll on top of Drifter...

Larry Nabisco: Does this turn you on???

Mike Ixnay: HELL NO!!! Ru on the top rope... MOONSAULT ON THE TABLE!!! Pin..1....2....3!!! Ru wins over Drifter, and...

(The lights go out with mass hysteria breaking out all over the arena... the lights go back on and you see the weapons still scattered all over the ring and ringside area, but now Ru and Drifter are knocked out with blood all over them and the weapons.)

Mike Ixnay: WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED???

Larry Nabisco: I DUNNO, BUT THERE HAS JUST BEEN A MASSACRE ON MONDY NIGHT MASSACRE!!!

Mike Ixnay: SHUT THE FUCK UP YA JABRONIE!!!

(The ligths go back out breifly and then they flicker back on and now you see an unmasked Trey Reed in the ring with blood coming from his mouth.)

Larry Nabisco: THIS IS F'ED UP HERE FOLKS!!!

Mike Ixnay: TREY HAS GONE BERZERK!!! Trey grabs Drifter as he gets up and HE THROWS HIM OUT OF THE RING AND THROUGH THE SPANISH ANNOUNCERS' BOOTH!!!

Larry Nabisco: RUN AWAY MARIO LOPEZ, RUN AWAY!!!

Mike Ixnay: JULIO SANCHEZ YOU TWIT!!! REED SPILLS SOME THUMBTACKS OUT OF A BAG INTO THE MIDDLE FO THE RING... RU IS BACK UP AND TREY WITH A ROCKBOTTOM ON THE TACKS!!! FANS, WE GOT TO TAKE A COMMERICAL BREAK AS THE MASSACRE CONTINUES!!!

(Commercial for Sex Toys at KB Toys plays)

Mike Ixnay: Welcome back fans, we got a...

Larry Nabisco: NOW FOR THE MAIN EVENT!!!

Buck Master v. Lance Slade

(Mike looks at Larry all confused like as the bell rings)

Larry Nabicso: Slade with spear!!! Pin...1...2...3!!! HE WINS!!!

Mike Ixnay: ARE YOU HIGH??? Buck just did a clothesline!!!

Larry Nabisco: NO!!! I'M DRUNK!!!

Mike Ixnay: FIGURES!!! Buck with a shoulder breaker on LLS.

Larry Nabisco: WHAT DO YOU MEAN FIGURES???

Mike Ixnay: Just what it sounds!!! Buck with a backbreaker.

Larry Nabisco: I MEAN IT'S OK TO HAVE A FEW DRINKS DURING COMMERCIAL!!!

Mike Ixnay: WHATEVER YOU SAY!!! Buck with a piledriver.

Larry Nabisco: NO IT'S A RULE!!!

Mike Ixnay: WHERE???

Larry Nabisco: In Wolvie's rulebook... you didn't get one???

Mike Ixnay: HELL NO!!! Buck with a around the world.

Larry Nabisco: ARE YOU CALLING ME A LIAR???

Mike Ixnay: Well....

Larry Nabisco: YOU B*STARD!!!

Mike Ixnay: BUCKBOMB!!! (muffling the mic) Settle down Larry!!!

Larry Nabisco: NO!!! YOU'VE BEEN HOLDING ME BACK!!! I'll...

(Larry passes out)

Mike Ixnay: FINALLY!!! Buck with his fifth Buckbomb and.... PIMP DROP!!! He pins him with one foot....1....2...3!!! The match is over and Buck throws Slade into the Canadians booth!!! Look at Nate Tesch and Ryan Breualt go!!!

Nate Tesch: RUN AWAY!!! RUN AWAY!!!

Mike Ixnay: I think Buck just broke Slade's neck... oh well, we'll be back...

(Commercial for Jack Daniels plays)

Mike Ixnay: Fans, we're back and it looks like we have our first Tag Team Title Match in god knows how long...

Larry Nabsico: (mumbling in half consiousness) Tag Teams today suck...

Mike Ixnay: FUCK OFF!!!

(bell rings)

Ares & Mikey v. Jade Diamond & Trey Reed (Tag Team Titles)

Mike Ixnay: The match is starting and Ares starts off with Trey Reed. Reed and Ares are two top CW's and Ares just levels Reed with a clothesline!!!

Larry Nabisco: (snoring)

Mike Ixnay: Dumb @$$... Ares with a standing head lock and... TREY WITH A BACK BODY DROP!!! Diamond goes to the top and Trey tags him in and... FROG SPLASH!!!

Larry Nabisco: (snoring)

Mike Ixnay: Son of a.... bench press slam by Diamond. Daimond goes to the other side and he tags in Reed and... DIAMOND SUPLEXS ARES OFF OF THE TOP ROPE AND REED WITH A SWAN DIVE!!! WHAT A MOVE....1....2...KICKOUT!!! MAN!!!

Larry Nabisco: What did I miss...

Mike Ixnay: YOUR FIXING TO MISS YOUR JOB YOU FAT B@ST#RD!!!

Larry Nabisco: I'LL KILL YOU!!!

(Larry tackles Mike as they start to wrestle around. Mike starts to bite Larry as Slim Cross come out)

Slim Cross: BOY WHAT A SLOBBER KNOCKER HERE FOLKS!!! Mike starts to bite Larry's huge @$$ but Larry is too drunk to feel pain at this point. Larry starts to pull on Mike's love handles and LARRY WITH A BITE TO THE SECOND CHIN OF MIKE!!! Reed with a powerbomb in the ring. Larry is playing with Mike's belly now!!! Ares with a couple of punches and Reed knocks him back down. HERE COMES THE COPS!!! Mike is being handcuffed as Larry starts kicking his @$$!!! Larry just got zapped with a tazzer!!! Larry and Mike are off to jail!!! Well, JJ Hart sadly enough is stil in the hospital after what happened at the PPV and Ares is starting to come back!!! Ares got Reed down and he reaches out to Mikey for the tag!!! MIKEY REFUSES A TAG FROM ARES!!! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE??? Mikey is going to get a chair and Ares is being beat to a pulp by Trey... this reminds me of Rodney King folks!!! Mikey is in the ring with the chair and Ares is crawling to him... MIKEY NAILS ARES WITH THE CHAIR!!! WHAT IN THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE??? TREY WITH A NECKBRACE!!! ARES IS OUT!!!

(bell rings)

Slim Cross: TREY AND JADE ARE THE NEW TAG TEAM CHAMPS AND TREY AND JADE ARE DOUBLE TEAMING ON POOR OLD ARES!!! FANS, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE DEAL IS WITH THIS BUT... HAWK MANSON IS COMING OUT OF THE CROWD!!! HAWK MANSON IS BACK AND HE SPEARS TREY REED!!! JADE IS BEGGING OFF, AND HAWK WITH A KICK TO JADE!!! IT'S SPLASH MANSON!!! (Splash Mountain aka Outsider's Edge) Reed and Jade roll out and Manson helps up Ares... stay tuned as Wolvie goes one on one with TombStone after this...

(Commercial cuts to a CAT PROMO??? Oops, I meant a preview of Sauce's new movie "Ghetto Pie" featuring him and Terrel Payne with supporting porn actresses Bambi and Tootsie with PIMP and HoP in the corner whichking off... a surprise twist including Wicked Clown, this is a must see this summer folks!!!)

Slim Cross: WELCOME BACK FANS, AND WE GOT A REAL SLOBBERKNOCKER FOR YOU TONIGHT FOLKS... WOLVIE DEFENDS TEH TELEVISION TITLE AGAINST TOMBSTONE AND... HERE COMES THE OWNER!!!

Mr. Reaves: Mind if I join you?

Slim Cross: Don't mind at all man...

Mr. Reaves: Sore, go play with the kids...

OOZING Sore: Yes daddy!

(Sore is on his way to the ring where Wolvie and tombStone are currently waiting to start the match. The bell rings)

Wolvie v. TombStone (Television Title)

Slim Cross: WHAT YOU DID LAST NIGHT WAS ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING!!! WHAT DID WOLVIE DO TO DESERVE THAT?

Mr. Reaves: Wolvie is nothing more than a way for my wallet to grow exponentially, so shut your fucking face you uncle fucker, before I the sweat on the bottom of my ankles quenches your thirst after I ram it straight up your candy ass...

Slim Cross: Damn Reaves, are you okay? You gotten any lately?

Mr. Reaves: Shut up!!!

Slim Cross: The match is underway and TOMBSTONE WITH A CHOP TO WOLVIE!!!

(The fans respond with a big "WHOO!")

Slim Cross: Tomb is cutting down a forest through Wolvie and he whips him off the ropes... Sore is on the apron... WOLVIE RUNS INTO SORE!!! SORE GOES THROUGH THE NEW SPANISH BROADCAST BOOTH, AND THE ANNOUNCES ARE LEAVING!!! I GUESS WE ARE CALLING THE ACTION FOR THEM TOO...

Mr. Reaves: Por le vu frances?

Slim Cross: Oh please, you're not even in the right language.

Mr. Reaves: Oh? (Starts mumbling jibberish)

Slim Cross: PLEASE!!! Wolvie is stumbling and TOMB WITH A TBONE SUPLEX!!! WOLVIE NOSELLS THE SUPLEX!!! WOLVIE IS UP AND HE CATCHES TOMB WITH ONE OF HIS OWN!!! Wolvie with a slingshot into the ropes on TombStone!!! Look... IT'S WILLIE NELSON COMING TO THE RING!!!

Mr. Reaves: What???

Slim Cross: WILLIE NELSON IS COMING TO THE RING WITH A GUITAR...

Mr. Reaves: Looks like a chick wearing a mask...

Slim Cross: SHUT UP!!! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SELL WHAT I SAY!!! WILLIE NELSON IS CALLING WOLVIE OVER AND WILLIE NELSON SMASHES THE GUITAR OVER WOLVIE'S HEAD!!! TOMBSTONE CATCHES WOLIVE STUMBLING BACK... TOMBSTONE PILEDRIVER ON WOLVIE!!! TOMBSTONE PINS...1...2...3... TOMBSTONE WINS!!!

(bell rings)

Mr. Reaves: What now???

Slim Cross: WE HAVE A NEW TELEVISION CHAMPION, AND WILLIE NELSON... IT WAS A MASK!!! IT WAS HEATHER!!! SHE WAS WEARING A MASK!!!

Mr. Reaves: I told ya...

Slim Cross: Shut up!!! TOMBSTONE HAS THE THELEVISION TITLE AND HE DRAPES IT OVER HEATHER'S SHOULDER AND HE IS CARRYING HER OUT OF THE RING!!! THE COUPLE IS CELBRATING, AND SORE IS BACK IN THE RING BEATING UP WOLVIE!!!

Mr. Reaves: Time to have fun...

(Reaves takes of his headset and runs to the ring.)

Slim Cross: WAIT!!! REAVES IS RUNNING TO THE RING AND WOLVIE IS SETTING SORE UP FOR A TBONE SUPLEX, BUT REAVES SPINS WOLVIE AROUND... FLATLINER ON WOLVIE!!! Reaves and Sore are attacking Wolvie and here comes Sauce and Boomer!!! This is a sick turn of events on Massacre, and Reaves has the mic...

Mr. Reaves: YOU SCREW ME, I SCREW YOU BACK!!! DON'T CROSS THE BOSS!!!

(the fans boo Reaves)

Mr. Reaves: HOUSE OF PAIN, YOU FELT THE WRATH OF THE BIG MAN LAST NIGHT KNOWN AS SAUCE, THA SUPASTAR, THA LIVING LEDGEND HIMSELF!!! HOUSE OF PAIN, I'VE BEEN CALLING YOUR ASS OUT FOR OVER 4 MONTHS NOW, AND YOU AIN'T SHOWN THE BALLS TO SHOW UP YET... BRING IT OUT RIGHT NOW!!!

Boomer: Ya know man, when I brought you to the IWA, I thought we could rule the World together! Reaves was back in wrestling, Trent Raven was in our corner, and so was Destructo... we had it all there, and you dropped the ball then. Reaves laid the ground work here too, and you had it all handed to you on a silver platter. The road was paved. WE had you on a roll, and you dropped the ball. That is where The Clown comes in... House of Pain... we have surprises in for you... The Clown is off on vcation for now, but he is coming for you... he is coming for you and everyone else!!! Hide your babies and your women, because the Baddest bastard in wrestling will be back soon, and when he is back... lord knows what will happen with Jodie...

Mr. Reaves: House of Pain, don't screw with u...

(A fan runs out from the stands and tries to enter the ring, but Sauce ghettoblasts him off the apron, and Sore goes to the outside to maul him.)

Mr. Reaves: As I was saying... don't screw with us, or you will be screwed back with your own jewels...

(Wolvie is on the outside and he has just regained conciousness. He has a mic.)

Wolvie: Mr. Reaves...

(The fans give Wolvie a big pop)

Wolvie: You may have somhow maneuvered it where sauce won last night... I got up on the two and the world knows it!!! Replay the tape if you wish, but I got up, and as far as I know... Boomer is not an NEW official... The three count was bogus!!! But I'm not gonna cry over spilled milk, because I am stripping Sauce of his title shot!!!

(The fans give Wolvie a big pop and The Family looks schoked)

Wolvie: The man that will be getting the title shot at Carnage Bowl will be none other than the #1 contender for the NEW World Title... SNIPER!!!

(The OOZING Sore runs up behind Wolvie and attackis him again and rolls him in the ring)

Slim Cross: WHAT THE... WOLVIE JUST ANNOUNCED THAT SNIPER WILL BE THE TOP CONTENDER TO THE WORLD TITLE AT CARNAGE BOWL, AND REAVES AND SORE ARE PREPING HIM FOR A SPIKEPILEDRIVER, AND HERE COMES SNIPER!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES REAVES AND COMPANY, BECAUSE HE HAS A BAT!!! THE FAMILY RUNS OUT OF THE RING AND SNIPER IS HELPING OUT WOLIVE... FANS, STAY TUNED FOR THE MAIN EVENT!!!

(Commerical for Carnage Bowl 3 plays)

Slim Cross: Fans, we are back for our Main Event, and I am being told that we need to go to the back for a moment and...

(We go to the back and you see The DOA knocked out in the back and Sniper Powerbombing Psycho into a dumpster.)

Slim Cross: Fans, Sniper is on the loose, he just took out his tag team partners for tonight and he is on his way to the ring right now!!! I think Sniper is thinking that he can take out RipTide and his squad alone...

Sniper: RIPTIDE, YOU YELLOW PIECE OF TRASH... YOU AND ME... NO VENOM, NO CARDINAL, NO MYSTERY MAN, JUST YOU AND ME...

Slim Cross: Wait, who is that coming out from the crowd??? THAT'S BIG BOY!!! NOT THE RESTURAUNT THING ON AUSTING POWERS, BUT THE GUY THAT WAS A MEMBER OF THE HIWF STABLE "TBM"... BIG BOY ATTACKS SNIPER FROM BEHIND AND HERE COMES THE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION WITH HIS MINIONS!!!

RipTide: I'll take that challenge... Raven's rules right now...

(bell rings)

Main Event: Sniper, Psycho, DOA v. Riptide, Venom, Cardinal, ??? - If you can call it that...

Slim Cross: BIG BOY, VENOM AND CARDINAL ARE TAKING OUT SNIPER RIGHT NOW AND RIPTIDE HAS THE MIC...

RipTide: Who's the man??? I left you behind because you are trash... you make me sick!!!

(The fans boo Riptide)

RipTide: Everyone said that it would never happen... they all said that we sucked and that we should not come back, but here it is... THE TERROR SQUAD IS BACK IN NEW!!!

Slim Cross: TERROR SQUAD IS BACK AND BACK IN A BIG WAY!!! RIPTIDE HAS VENOM AND TBM PULL UP SNIPER AND TIDAL BURST ON SNIPER!!!

RipTide: AND IF YOU AIN'T DOWN WITH THAT, PREPARE TO FEEL THE RIP... OF... THE...

Crowd: TIDE!!!

Slim Cross: Fans, Sniper is heavily outnumbered here, and HERE COMES WOLVIE!!! WOLVIE HAS A CHAIR AND TERROR SQUAD IS OUT OF THE RING!!! FANS, TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR MASSACRE!!!

(Cut to Copyright)