May 7, 1998 12:20 pm

I have this sick feeling in my stomach that it's just going to get worse and it is. Increasing. Going up and climbing and you wish you had a gun, a razor, anything. Fuck it.

May 8, 1998 10:15 am

You write what you think because you think because that's all you can see. I mean, how can you not write poetry and beautiful things? Because isn't that what the world is? Do you know how easy it is to fool someone into believing you? To believe that optimisim and honesty is the best thing? I think i'll stop.

May 9, 1998 11:24 pm

I had a dream once where I was happy. There was no way I could feel sadness or frustration. I just sat there smiling and it was beautiful. You wanna do it. You just want to end it all, say fuck it, and kill yourself but you always think in the back of your mind that it will get better. But it never does. Tell yourself it doesn't matter but it does.

May 16, 1998 5:01 pm

Time seems to stand still when you're all by yourself. I ask only to be able to carry myself right. To be able to know and have someone to tell me it will be alright and believe it too. To have someone around that will always smile at me.

May 18, 1998 10:15 am

So maybe sometimes a poem like intro doesn't always explain how you feel. Sometimes you need just a few simple words to explain: life sucks.

May 22, 1998 2:00 pm

It's really hard to keep on going when you finally find out that you actually have nothing left. You want it to last forever, but it never does and emptyness invades. The air smells bad. It feels like it's talking. Maybe I should listen for a while.

May 27, 1998 10:10 am

So many things to dread. I want to be able to say that I tried and didn't fail. I smiled once because I was happy. Flickering pictures of a life long gone and memories of words that were once said. I had a dream last night and I was in it. Forget me, forget my words, let it make no difference because I can't change a thing. I'm scared of thinkgs I can't see. I'm secretly scared to die; because I don't want to be forgotten.

May 27, 1998 12:20 pm

I wanna be number one. To be able to know and say that someone likes me best. Oh well, I guess one day I could have everything I ever secretly wanted.

May 29, 1998 1:46 pm

There aer times when you feel totally, absolutely, 100% nothing. You hear your friends talk about how smart or pretty they are and you have absolutely nothing to say to them about yourself.

June 1, 1998 12:24 am

I'm miserable inside myself, please make me feel good about who I am.

June 1, 1998 8:10 am

Always to stressed to sleep at night. I want to dream again.

June 1, 1998 10:19 am

I wish I had a way to get out what was in my head so that when I closed my eyes I wouldn't have a million voices telling me what was wrong with me.

June 1, 1998 12:36 pm

Dissatisfaction causes illness. Your body feels heavy. Restlessness. Nausea. I wanna be important to me. I'm stupid. I think I'll stop now.

June 1, 1998 2:11 pm

I feel so low I shouldv'e ben dead a long time ago. Once again nothing seems real. Wake me up please. I want to laugh again. I wish I could go back to a time where I could brush everything off and forget about it. I want to start over; block out the pain. I couldn't even cry. I feel detached like I never was like everyone else. I was never real.

June 1, 1998 7:53 pm

Dissatisfaction hits me again as I look around my room. Everythings blank lookking. Nothing has any yexture. Two demensional objects I painted myself once when I could smile. Tear my ears out so I can't hear their words to each other. Words that hurt even me. God give me the confidence to be able to see the world straight.

June 2, 1998 11:29 pm

Try to build my confidence. Does it work? Will I feel I better about myself when I wake up tommorrow?

June 2, 1998 3:30 pm

Act happy. Smile at the thoughts that I cry at night about. Forget the things that make me laugh because they mean nothing now.

June 14, 1998 8:39 pm

Wake me up, the day is noon, It's been a while since I lived. She's yelling again. I sat beside her. Got yelled at because I made her uncomfortable. She said she regrets me. She lies so she won't need to listen. Just aslong as I cry to myself it'll be alright.

June 14, 1998 10:54 pm

Carry me onto your pedistal. Careful so I don't fall. Don't hurt me like I know will hurt. Empty your mind of thoughts you don't understand. What the hell am I talking about?

June 24, 1998 9:39 pm

I've givin up on friends and family. I'm tiered of the get out of my face looks and priorities set on the wrong thing. Why can't anyone do anything for me? Doesn't it matter what I think? Haven't you noticed I haven't smiled today? Please worry about me. I have feelings too. At times they know i'm drepressed. Not looking at me, no words to tell me it'll be okay. I know it's caus eI don't mean anything. Someday the pain in my stomach will go away.

July 6, 1998 9:54 pm

It is me or are the lights really blinking? I wanna cry, it's building up, pressing against my chest but I can't, it won't come out. It never does. Just another reason to be like I am. It all is. Say I'm wanted, it won't matter unless I think about my feelings. No more sticking up for them. The room is rocking all by itself.

September 29, 1998 9:06 pm

Say those horrible words to me. poison my dreams of memories of them. Years gone past and still remembered.

September 30, 1998 9:04 am

I'm sorry I ruin your day. I'm sorry you can't smile when I'm around. Take and give because your words are silver. I hurt too. i'm sorry I can't be princess. I'm sorry I want to be happy too. Please don't make me feel bad. Fakek me as I stuff it deep down; repressing for the day it all comes back to me. I have to be ready for it.

November 13, 1998 4:34 pm

They force me to hold in my frustration and breath with my confusion. I'm sick to my stomach but to scared to scream. Because I feel loved there and special and I cried outside myself today. Enter my confort zone. Zero out with tolerance. Force yourself to speak. I live because I have to.

February 9, 1999 1:02 am

She cried like I've done for years, choking, reaching for that soft spot to ask for a moment of peace. Tomorrow is another day that is so far away. I'm used to it. Years od sickness, tightness. Body aches at the thought of one more day. I sit alone but I am not lonely because my words are special to me. I listen

February 12, 1999 2:43 am

My misery deepens when I look inside myself. I see them inside of me. I see their manipulation. I pray to myself that I don't end up like them. He tortures me with frustration, and anger, and helplessness. His threats push me the the realization that I never was as strong as I thought I was. I grit my teeth and saw at my eyes. They don't shut as far as they used to.

April 1, 1999 7:36 pm

I can feel my anger rising. Boiling. My eyes burn. My tension makes me stiff. I wanna laugh. I cause the pain that I regret I have. Swallow my heart so I'm no longer warm. They make me smile. I couldv'e been happy today. They blame it on me. I can feel there eyes. Critisizing how I talk, how I walk, how I laugh, how I eat, how I smile and my mind cries. Silent screams for help that noone can hear. They could if they listened hard enough.

May 11, 1999 8:52 pm

I screamed and I cried because I was hurt, little whispers in my brain telling me it'll be okay. Soft hands, gentle kisses but I cried. Because I was nothing, my heart was broken, I was empty. I was the pain that I felt. With each scream my heart shattered into tinnier pieces that were to small for me to pick up. And I still cried, my heart wasn't beating because it was gone. I realized how tiered my brain was and how all I needed wasa hand to touch my cheek. I needed to hear that I would be okay. It made my heart soft.

June 11, 1999 5:31 pm

My cheeks go numb when I shut my eyes and think about you. You said I was special after you said that you loved me. I called you back, my pride making it impossible for me to apologize. My pride now made to cry. I wish for your knock. I know it wasmy fault. I know I deserve to be hurt. I never deserved you. I wanna die. The pain in my stomach caused this. I know I'm gonna cry.

Wednesday, July 21, 1999 11:06 pm

Today was the day that I died. A one of may. Another feeling of helplessness and hopelessness, and sadness. I lost a part of myself today. I lost a part that I loved very much. That was my heart. I'm dead now inside, a deep shell that walks and talks but never feels. God, help me, I'm lost in my own personal hell. All I can see is black and i'm so scared. I'm convinced i've lsot ti for good now, slammed a door but I did not move to stop it, my apathy causes my pain. I guess that's why my life and my words and my soul are just another lesson in manic depression.

August 21, 1999 7:09 pm

I'm dead inside, completely numb, i've said this a thousand times in different ways. Momentary happiness stired somewhere deep inside of me, flashes as it leaves, disapointment rushing to my brain. I don't beleave what you tell me. I don't believe that there is love for me, somewhere. Did you notice that my eyes we're blank, to flacid with pain to notice the blue sky and the beautiful trees. Black holes that strech deep and deeper down into me, down into that soul that i've lost inside of me, touching that place that you once held. If you would just look into my eyes you could tell me where my soul was, please just look at my face, see it, see the pain in me that no one else can see but me, please make it go away before it kills me. All you have to do is look at me, maybe hold me

September 19, 1999 12;46 pm

You know that it's got you when you feel your body tingle, you feel liek your floating, when this is finmished you now know that you have lost another particle of yourself. I made to feel bad for the thiings that hurt my feelings, the things that hurt me, it's one big cycle. Things that make me miserable people use t omake me miserable. I wish that when I started to float I would never coem dow, I would sail away from all these people that make me sad, all thses people that I look at in disgust sometimes because I know that they have a monster in them, that's eating everything that is human in them, and what will i have left when this happens. I will have nothing cos no one can really ever understand how I think and why little things hurt me so much, and why i'd rather be inside myself, keeping me company then have there company.