Milanndred's face disappeared from the view screen, leaving it as dark as the mood in the room. The silence that stretched in Kathryn's quarters was almost odious. My hand, I realized, was still grasped in hers and rapidly losing feeling.
"Kathryn?" I questioned. Her demeanor was alarming me. Her eyes hadn't left mine and she shook uncontrollably. As quickly as I called her name, she released my hand and pushed back from her desk. For the first time in years, I couldn't read her. She was as wound up as a caged bird.
"No, this can't be happening," Kathryn said, pacing. She was nothing more then a bundle of nerves. I got up and watched her, trying to understand her emotions. "I can't be pregnant. It isn't possible." She continued her pacing, making me sick watching her. I needed to bring her back to reality.
I reached out and took her by the shoulders and turned her around so she was facing me. Kathryn tried to avoid my eyes, but I made her look at me. It was the only way I knew of to get through to her. "Kathryn, do you remember any time when we were separated that you can't recall, that's a void?"
"No--I...I just studied the glass, took readings, made notes. No one else was there, except Milanndred. Even she wasn't there for very long. Chakotay, nothing happened there. Nothing that would account for this." She was bordering on hysterics. After everything we had been through, I wasn't about to let her go crazy on me. This is the woman who had taken on the Borg, Hirogen, Kazon and numerous other enemies. If it were true, she was fighting a natural, biological process.
"Kathryn, stop it. You're not doing yourself any good if it is true." When she finally controlled her breathing, I led her over to her couch and sat her down. I ordered a tea from the replicator and took it over. Milanndred's story was hard to believe, especially since there was no actual sex involved. That was what I didn't understand. "Okay, you have no memories of blackouts or being visited by anyone. Maybe Milanndred is mistaken." It was my intention to comfort her, clear her perspective.
"She has to be, Chakotay. I can't have a baby, especially under this type of condition." Kathryn took a long drink of her tea and set the cup in her lap. Her hands still shook. Color was coming back to her face, slowly.
"Maybe we should pay Doc a visit in sickbay," I suggested. Kathryn vigorously shook her head.
"No, I want to talk to Milanndred before anyone else finds out. If it's true--" She looked out of her view port, toward the planet we were orbiting. I could read in her eyes, she didn't think it so beautiful anymore.
"Well, until we know and Milanndred has talked to us, I suggest that you get some rest," I suggested quietly. I rose from my seat next to her and pulled her up. "You, Kathryn, are to go to bed and think good thoughts. I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding." She pulled back, apparently not ready to go to bed yet.
"I just don't understand," Kathryn began. I led her into bedroom, pulled back her blankets and sat her down on the edge.
"I don't either," I said, not knowing what to tell this woman. A woman who didn't back away from challenges of any kind, acted defeated. "Rest, Kathryn. We'll solve this problem in the morning." I turned for the door and began walking toward it.
"Chakotay?"
"Yes, Kathryn?"
A pause. "I'm not alone, am I?"
"Never, Kathryn. You're never alone." I left then for my own quarters. What Milanndred had told us didn't make sense. Then again, the longer I thought about it, much about Emporiak made no sense. No males, not even male children. However there were children in the towns. Stained glass that was thin enough to break easily, yet stronger then any known alloy. For that matter, what about the refracted color? Blue turning orange? Yellow turning lavender? Celestial Brothers? So many questions and no answers. But the more I thought, the more I kept coming to the same conclusion.
Milanndred had to be right. If nothing else made sense, then Kathryn becoming pregnant by looking into stained glass was plausible. I kept my thoughts to myself and got little sleep. Truth be known, Kathryn wasn't sleeping much either. So many questions raised by this information. Another conclusion kept coming to mind.
No matter what happened, I would stay beside Kathryn. She wouldn't go through this alone.
**
Kathryn met me in the transporter room just a few minutes before we were scheduled to meet with Milanndred. The circles that had vanished from under her eyes a few months before, had returned overnight. Her skin tone was much too pale. She didn't say much, just a quick hello and a nod. I followed her onto the transporter platform, ready to face whatever fate was dealing us. I ordered Gerron to energize.
When we materialized, I felt the familiar breeze and smelled the fragrance of early morning. A few women walked the street, passing us and nodding, secret smiles on their faces. Kathryn held her chin up, hoping against hope there had been a mistake. In the distance I could see Milanndred coming toward us. For her age, she moved rather quickly and unfettered by the age she had reached.
"Kathryn of the Stars, I see you came. How joyous this occasion." Kathryn visibly bristled at her words. "And you brought Chakotay of the Stars as well." I nodded a greeting, forcing a smile.
"I have some questions," Kathryn stated plainly.
"I thought you may. Let us go inside and speak. You shouldn't be in the beginning heat of Emporiak's day." She indicated that we should go back into the shrine where this mystery had begun. She followed us inside and indicated for us to sit down. "I figured you'd have questions. Please, ask."
"How did you know? I had only been here a few hours," Kathryn said, folding her hands in her lap to keep herself from fidgeting. Her posture was ram rod straight.
"The Celestial Brothers spoke to me. That is why I came here the first time you were studying. They called to me. See, Kathryn of the Stars, you are the first off world woman in over a millenium, to conceive by the glass." Milanndred looked at the stained glass windows, her face taking on a enlightened look.
"I'm sorry to dispute your beliefs, Milanndred. It takes more then looking into a stained glass window for humans to conceive," I said, speaking for Kathryn.
"There are many factors that play into how we have our children. The first of the Celestial Brothers criteria is that the woman be pure. Your pureness, Kathryn of the Stars, attracted their attention."
"But I'm not pure of body. I'm not a virgin," Kathryn said, hoping that would lead to this being a mistake on Milanndred's behalf. It was no lie. Kathryn was a healthy woman who had been engaged twice.
"That does not matter. Pure of body, pure of soul, pure of compassion. You met two out of three criteria, therefore, you were chosen."
"You said last night, that my body had received their gift. I don't understand. I don't recall anything that would lead to my becoming pregnant."
Milanndred clasped her hands over Kathryn's. "Your physiology is much like ours. Your body goes through cycles in preparation for a child to grow? Evidently, you are fertile right now."
"But how?" Kathryn was trying to find a way to disprove these claims. She didn't want to be pregnant. I was finally beginning to understand. In a few seconds I remembered what she had told me after a Q encounter.
"I can't and couldn't have a child with a man I didn't love." I understood. There was no love involved with this conception, no warmth. There was no quick heartbeats, no bodies feeling the joy of a union. No planning or anticipating. It was just there.
"As you were studying the glass, you looked up and at some point, you were bathed in color for a brief moment." Milanndred's statement wasn't quite a question. Kathryn's face betrayed the sudden knowledge. The pieces were finally coming together.
"Yes." Kathryn got up and walked toward the stained glass on the other side of the room. "I was standing--about here." She stopped and looked up into the glass. "I looked up and saw the blue pane." Kathryn turned and looked at me. "Chakotay, it's the one I was telling you about at lunch yesterday. Blue refracting orange. That color fell on me for about a minute." I didn't say anything. Apparently, it was true. Kathryn was pregnant. I returned my focus to what Milanndred was saying.
"Then Jon'Quiel is the father of your child. See, each refracted color from a pane represents a different Celestial Brother. If the blue pane had refracted a different color, say coral or red, your child would have had a different father. It's rather complex to explain and even I don't fully understand how the process is done. We only know the Brother represented." Kathryn looked up again into the window. Even though the sunlight came through the glass, Kathryn wasn't bathed in any color, like a ghost.
"There's more, isn't there? It has something to do with the reason there are no males on this planet?" Kathryn asked, crossing her arms over her breasts.
"The reason the males ascend is a mystery to us. The legend has been lost to us as far as the memory goes back. All we have ever been sure of, is that when we have a child born that is male, he ascends the Colors of the Glass of Emporiak."
"I'm sorry. If, that's if I am pregnant, which I will verify with our doctor upon returning to Voyager, I'm not staying here for nine months waiting for this child to be born so this--colored glass can have it if it's a boy. I'll terminate this pregnancy if it means that." Kathryn was adamant in her claims. That brought up something else she'd said: "I wouldn't have a child with Q, especially if I wasn't allowed to be a major part of it's life. I couldn't just hand over a baby, no matter how advantageous the prospect of being the Mother of Peace was."
"You mustn't, Kathryn of the Stars. This pregnancy can not be terminated. No woman has ever miscarried or given birth to a child that has been deformed. Termination of this pregnancy would result in your death as well as that of your child. There are things you must know."
Kathryn was growing weary. She made her way back over to us and sat heavily beside me. I decided to ask the questions. "What things, Milanndred?"
"Firstly, you will not be able to determine the sex of the child until its birth. Your scans will prove inconclusive." I found that to be a mystery I wasn't sure I could take. "If the child is male, he will ascend within a few hours of his birth."
"How can that happen if we are on our way home? As Kathryn said, we can't afford to wait nine months to continue our journey." I said.
"Jon'Quiel's essence will follow you, allowing you to pass through space without incident. He will be your protector. If the child is male, Jon'Quiel will make a brief appearance and bring the child back here with him."
"I will not give up a child of mine," Kathryn said, vehemently. There was no mistaking the tone in her voice. I'd heard it enough over the last seven years to know she meant business.
"It is not a choice, Kathryn of the Stars. If you want to keep the child, I suggest you pray for a daughter. But even that has conditions." The web was becoming more closely woven. Strings were strings, no matter how pretty you made them and how loosely you tied them.
"What?"
"If you have a daughter and Jon'Quiels genetic structure isn't replaced by that of another male, then at the age of one year and three months, she'll begin aging at an accelerated rate, in which she will leave you and travel back here to take her place amongst the Celestial Guardians."
"How can a babies genetic structure be replaced?" I asked. There were so many twists in this story.
"After your child is born, you'll have the time I said to answer a riddle."
"What riddle?" I prodded.
"'Devotion deep within a mother's heart. Cries desperately a child of glass. When man and woman realize they're of one mind and soul, the transformation will be done.' Solve the riddle and the child is yours and your chosen."
Kathryn looked at me and at Milanndred. There was no way that it couldn't be true. Kathryn ran a hand across her stomach, looking for a physical reminder of her supposed condition. "I don't know what to say."
"Say nothing, my child. You have been chosen. It is a gift." Milanndred rose from her seat. "Chakotay of the Stars, I must speak to you a moment in private." Kathryn looked at us and she took the hint.
"I need some air. I'll meet you outside, Commander," she said, using my title instead of my name. When she exited, I turned back to Milanndred.
"What is it?" I feared the worse. The last two days had held too many surprises for this man.
"You love her, do you not?" I wasn't about to lie. Nothing had changed in seven years. If anything, I loved her more.
"With every part of me. Why?"
"Jon'Quiel has noted it. He did when you kept company with Kathryn of the Stars yesterday. The riddle is not the only way that Kathryn of the Stars can keep a daughter. There is another way." I waited quietly for the older woman to finish. "See, when the child is born and if it is a daughter, she'll have the genetic coding of Jon'Quiel and Kathryn of the Stars. However, if in her heart, she finally admits that she loves you, the child will become yours, with no trace of Jon'Quiel. The more she loves you, the more the transformation takes place in the child. A daughter will look just like her mother from the moment she is born. If you are Kathryn's chosen, the child will take on your characteristics. Watch, for I believe it can happen."
I didn't know how to reply to her words. I was never sure of Kathryn's feelings regarding me. Sometimes, I swore she loved me and other times, it was as if we would never be anything other then best friends. Milanndred read my mind. "Don't worry, Chakotay of the Stars. If it was meant to be, this child will be your awakening, and Kathryn of the Stars. I believe you to also be pure of the soul and pure of the compassion. You would do anything for her. Continue along those lines and she will open her eyes one day and realize it's you she seeks."
"I hope so, Milanndred," I answered.
"I know so. You have her in your being. That is the most difficult bond to break."
**
I rejoined Kathryn outside. She had taken refuge under a tree, reclining in the shade. While we were in the cool environment of the Shrine, the outside had heated to almost intolerable. Kathryn's eyes revealed how far away she actually was. Her mind was engaged elsewhere.
"Kathryn?" I asked, kneeling down beside her. She turned her eyes slowly toward me. They seemed more blue then usual.
"It's true, isn't it? I'm going to have a baby." Her voice was quiet. It reminded me of the time Kathryn had told me that she'd been using Mark as a safety net.
"Well, until Doc can verify it, I'd say it's a good bet that your about to become a mother." I didn't want to tell her yet what Milanndred had told me.
"I'm forty-three years old. I'm not married, I haven't been intimate with anyone in seven years and here I am, pregnant, with no say in the outcome." Kathryn said, a tear escaping from her eye and running down her cheek.
"Forty-three isn't old, not by a long shot. If you think that, then I must be ancient. I am, after all two years older then you." I said, trying to lighten the mood. She needed to get out of her depression if she were to have a healthy child. It worked. Kathryn let out a chuckle. "As for being not married, not having been intimate with anyone and pregnant, well, there is a way around that."
"What are you talking about?" Kathryn said, narrowing her eyes at me and sniffling.
"You're aware the crew has had a running bet on when you and I would become involved. Let's save them the trouble of idle speculation. Marry me," I said. I was serious.
"I can't just marry you," Kathryn began.
"In name only, Kathryn. You need someone other than a Celestial spirit looking after you. We'll let the senior crew know the truth of what happened. Let the crew believe that the baby you carry is mine."
"I can't put that kind of burden on you, Chakotay. That wouldn't be fair."
"Kathryn, I made a promise to you years ago that I would do everything and anything to make your burden lighter. If you do have a girl, then you'll have to have help in decrypting that riddle. Let me help."
Kathryn gave me her crooked smile and took one of my hands in hers. She squeezed it and I squeezed hers back.
"But what would we tell them if it was a boy and he disappeared so soon after birth, like Milanndred said would happen?"
"We can have the Doc fabricate a story that the child had a problem that wasn't detected before birth and died of complications. However, I'm going to do what Milanndred said. I'm going to hope for a girl." I told her. I already was, deep inside of me.
"I don't know what to say," Kathryn stated.
"Say yes. Don't do this alone."
Kathryn looked at me fully now, scrutinizing my face, my eyes, to see if I meant what I said. Without watching what I was doing, I turned our clasping hands into a gesture we were both familiar with -- the entwining of our fingers. She moved her arm, pulling mine along with her until her hand and mine rested on her stomach. "I think for the first time in this seven year journey, I believe you. I'm not alone."
I took that as a yes. My porcelain doll may look fragile, but now I knew she wouldn't break.