I've never understood the meaning behind constellations or astrological signs. Tom once told me that one of the most famous and infamous pick up lines of the 20th century was, "What's you sign?" Leave it to Tom to know something like that. What difference would it make, anyway. Big and little dippers look just like their names. I've always had a hard time picking out the archer, or the scorpion. As the stars appear in the simulated Arizona sky, I try to pick out the constellations again. Again they allude me.
This is the first time in a long time that I've felt homesick. A yearning for home that for some reason, won't go away. I don't know why. It's very sudden. And yet I know that I shouldn't be feeling this way. I have a beautiful wife and daughter. My wife loves me as I love her.
"You look a million miles away." I know the voice well. I look up into my wife's blue eyes. Kathryn kneels down beside me, puts a hand on my knee.
"I don't think you can count the number of miles between here and there," I say quietly.
"Home?"
"Yes. I don't get in these moods very often, to tell you the truth. I haven't actually felt like this since we encountered the '37's." Kathryn looks away for a moment, then looks back at me.
"Sometimes, I feel we're just a touch away, just a step away from the heels of the wind. It's almost tangible." Her voice is quiet. Then Kathryn sighed, which I took to be her 'but' to her statement. "Then there are times when I just want to say, 'to hell with it. Let's colonize some planet and live out the rest of our lives here.' The home we left behind seven years ago isn't going to be the same one we come back to." Ah ha, I was right. I smile at her. "Who knows, that Dominion and the Cardassian's may be running the Alpha Quadrant by now."
"Nah, probably the Ferengi's, who've cut out the middle man." Kathryn begins laughing and shaking her head. "Four visit's in one day. Kathryn, your reputation . . ."
"Reputation, hell. Not as far as you're concerned. I like to keep an eye on the programs that are keeping my husband entertained all day." Kathryn stands up and looks around. "Arizona, isn't it?"
"Yes. I came here quite a bit when I went to the Academy, on breaks. I had some relatives that still lived there. This is a representation of my aunt's home."
"Hannah likes it," Kathryn noted, watching Hannah in her pen.
"You should have seen her when the sun set. She just sat there and watched the colors of the sky." I, too, looked over to where Hannah was.
"She is the daughter of two scientists." Kathryn came around and sat on my leg.
"That may be, Kathryn. But I wasn't that interested in science until I was much older. Six months, she should only be concerned with what she can find to put in her mouth and learning how to crawl."
"I was doing all kinds of complex 'things' at four," Kathryn said. She snaked an arm around my shoulders. Now that I have her, I wonder how I ever lived without her. Every little thing she does, surprises me in so many ways. A year ago, she would never have done this. "Besides, nothing we've gone through with her can be construed as being normal.
"The more complex, the better, huh?" I said, putting my arms around her waist. Kathryn leans against me as we watch the stars together. In the sky, a star shoots, then disappears. "Did you see that?" I whisper into her ear.
"Yes," she whispers back.
"Did you make a wish?" I ask.
"No."
"No?"
"I already have all I could wish for."
We sat like that, not saying a word for quite awhile. Kathryn finally disengaged herself and left, as she said, begrudgingly. But each of our respective days were almost over. Before she left, she kissed Hannah then me. A promise of what was to come. Four visits in one day. This was surprising me. But I knew Kathryn, something was on her mind. I knew I would find out when we both converged on our quarters later tonight.
". . .all I could wish for. . ."
**
Eight hours after Hannah came into the world, I went down to sickbay. Kathryn was sitting up, giving Hannah a bottle. She'd told me a couple of months ago she wasn't going to breast feed. For Kathryn, breast feeding wasn't practical. Her response reminded me for a moment of Seven.
"We're just having lunch," Kathryn said, looking up as I came into sickbay. Kathryn had the biggest smile on her face.
"I can see that." I pulled a chair over to the bio-bed. "How are you feeling?" I knew how tired she had been before she gave birth.
"Sore. But I feel rested, believe it or not." To prove her point, when Kathryn shifted Hannah, her movements seemed slow and drawn out.
"What has Doc said?" I asked.
Kathryn looked down at Hannah, who stared up at her mother. "Doc says we're doing just fine. He might not even keep us the full twenty-four hours. He said that Hannah is perfectly healthy, considering the circumstances."
"Well, that's good to hear." I watched as Hannah finished her bottle. Quite an appetite. Kathryn had set the bottle aside and was proceeding to burp her, when I cleared my throat. "Kathryn, may I?" She looked at me, then to Hannah. Without a second thought, she handed her to me, giving me surgical towel that she had over her shoulder. I rested the baby against my shoulder and started patting her back, rubbing it, tapping my fingers up and down her back.
"How'd you learn that?" Kathryn asked. Her eyes held the look of amusement.
"I've been around kids and babies. Remember, I watched Naomi quite a bit when we came back to Voyager after our trip to the 'Kazon Club Med.'"
"That's right. Samantha told me you had such a way with Naomi. Next to Neelix, anyway." She smiled. My actions with Hannah had the desired results. I handed her back to Kathryn. I figured it was time for me to go. As I stood, I felt Kathryn's hand on my arm. "Where are you going?"
"I have riddle to solve, Kathryn," I told her.
"Not right this minute, Chakotay. Please, stay." It wasn't so much an order, but a request. There was something within her eyes I couldn't place.
"You're sure?"
"The riddle can wait a bit, Chakotay. Stay, get to know Hannah," she said. I pulled the chair back over beside her bed. Hannah looked around. Looking at her, who'd known that she was only a few hours old. It seemed she already wisdom in her eyes. That reminded me of Kes. I'd seen that look in her eyes when she was still with us.
I stayed and got to know my daughter.
**
Two hours later, I went back to my quarters. I had told Doc to inform me when he was ready to release Kathryn from sickbay. She'd asked me to escort her back to her quarters when she left. Enthusiastically, I told her I'd await her hail.
Kathryn had told me to hold off on the riddle. But for some reason, I just couldn't do it. I needed to solve the riddle, and allow Hannah to stay with us. In sickbay, I'd seen how attached to Hannah Kathryn had become. It wasn't a matter of keeping a baby with us, or even the matter of keeping a member of our crew. It was keeping a daughter with us. Our daughter.
"Devotion deep within a mother's heart." Line one. This one was one that may be the most difficult of the riddle to solve. As I soon realized, it had many different meanings.
The mother, obviously was Kathryn. Her heart, she put into everything she had ever tried. But devotion, that was the hardest to pick out. Devotion to what? To her crew? Kathryn was most definitely devoted to the crew. Every death, every injury, she felt deeply. Her devotion to them and her promise to see them home, was unmatched. Devotion to her ship? Very evident. History always made James Kirk seem one with the Enterprise. True. There was nothing Kathryn wouldn't do for Voyager. So she was equally devoted to her crew and her ship.
But the riddle said 'devotion deep within a mother's heart.' So, the devotion must lie within Kathryn's heart as a mother. If today and the days leading up to Hannah's birth are any indication, Kathryn is completely devoted to her. Yet, an underlying factor revolves in the fact that for devotion to lie deep within a mother's heart, there has to be a father. One can't be a mother without the help of a father. I entered my findings into the PADD and continued.
"Desperately cries a child of glass." Milanndred and Jon'Quiel had both said that Hannah was a child of glass. One of the first things Milanndred told us that first night that was that Kathryn would bear a child of glass. But it made no sense. Hannah has hardly cried at all. In fact, she cried very little. Even when it is the basic things a baby will cry for: attention, a messy diaper, hunger or tiredness. It's quite the opposite, Hannah is for all intents and purposes, a happy baby. Then again, she was only a few hours old. I put this one off.
"When man and woman realize they're of one mind and soul. . ." This one, I could pretty much take a stab at. I was assuming that the man was me, the woman Kathryn. The more I thought about this, the more I realized there was more to this whole situation then just a riddle to be solved. That line cinched it for me. 'When man and woman realize. . .' The key word was realize. What Milanndred had told me, put another hamper on this predicament. She'd said that if I were Kathryn's chosen, then Jon'Quiel's DNA would be replaced and Hannah would begin taking on more of my characteristics. But this piece of information tied directly into the riddle. I had always thought of us of one mind, one soul, and most certainly one heart. The question, the answer to the riddle, rested within Kathryn. My realization was there. I knew the answer to the damn riddle.
Now, if Kathryn would only do her part. She was the key to the riddle. She had to be devoted to me, love me, realize we were each other's half, then she'd be able to keep Hannah.
The answer, lie within Kathryn's heart.
**
1800 hours, I got a call from sickbay. Doc had decided to release Kathryn early, since she nor Hannah seemed to have any problems. I went down and escorted Kathryn and the baby back to our quarters.
Hannah's room had been done for quite some time, so we went ahead an put her into her crib. We both stood there, watching this little creature. Actually, truth be known, I was watching Kathryn as much as Hannah. She radiated happiness. For someone who didn't want to be pregnant, she had a remarkable turn of heart. Motherhood was agreeing with her. After a few minutes, I led Kathryn by the elbow back to her quarters. She sat down wearily upon her couch and I sat beside her.
"I'll get up with her tonight," I said, leaving no room for argument. Kathryn needed sleep. Already, her eyes were half lidded.
"Oh no, it's all right, Chakotay. I'll get up."
"You need some sleep. Besides, my sleeping quarters are closer than yours." This much was true.
"But. . ."
"No 'but', Kathryn. You've had about six hours of sleep in the last 96 hours. I'm rested, let me get up with Hannah." Kathryn, I could tell, was about argue some more, but relented.
"You're right. I think right now, I'd sleep through a super nova." To prove her point, Kathryn let out a big yawn and dropped her head back against her sofa. I got up and gently tugged at her hands and pulled her to her feet.
"Just rest," I told her, sitting her down on her bed. It seems like I was always doing this for her; putting her to bed. Kathryn was practically asleep when I turned for the door.
"I don't deserve you, you know."
I looked back over my shoulder to her. A smile played on her lips. "Yes, you do Kathryn," I said quietly, walking out of her room.
'I only wish you could see it,' I thought as I entered to check on Hannah. She was awake and beginning to get a little fussy. I picked her up out of her crib and brought her with me to the replicator to retrieve a bottle for her. Sitting in the rocker, I gave Hannah her bottle.
We sat there for quite sometime. The lights were at about 5% illumination and the starlight made for a perfect back drop. A tiny carbon copy of Kathryn lie cradled in my arms. Right then and there, I knew that she would always be mine. I placed her back in crib after her feeding and a changing. Hannah went quietly to sleep.
I went to bed a short time later, knowing that I'd be getting up with Hannah a couple of times until Kathryn woke up. I didn't mind.
As I fell into dreams, I had a strange vision. You know, within that little place between asleep and when you're awake? A vision of ice burning, catching flame, melting. Ice on fire. It was a powerful image. I made sure I kept this vision. I had dismissed the vision of the moon that had been a constant in my dreams before Hannah's birth. I locked it away with everything I kept that belonged or related to Kathryn and Hannah.
Ice on fire. Whatever did it mean?