Part 4: Fragile Wings.
By MindyCalm serenity closed over my head as I allowed myself to sink beneath the surface. I've always liked the water. Water always made me believe in healing properties. It always made me feel that all my troubles were miles away.
Pushing off the bottom, I propelled myself upward and broke the surface. The feeling was like last night had been, breaking through a barrier that had never been breached. Last night had made me feel alive, more then I had in years. Kathryn validated me again as a man. I felt truly a part of this experience.
Emerging from the water, I dried myself and sat back down. Hannah hadn't woken. She's going to be like me, a deep sleeper. Kathryn has always had bouts with insomnia. I had known about them before New Earth, but they had seemed to decrease during our time there. Part of her problem, I'm sure, was the pressures of command. All these years, Kathryn has probably worked on the least amount of sleep. Sometimes, that lack of sleep has drained her beyond endurance. Since we've been married, I've made her take more time off, delegate duties.
Kathryn. I've seen the brighter side of her, probably more then anyone else on board this ship. Sometimes, I wish the ship hadn't come back for us on New Earth.
**
After the night I had told her my 'legend', Kathryn and I were more at ease with each other then we had been. It was if some of the pressure had been let go and the freedom allowed us to really develop a deep relationship. There was a lot of innuendo flavoring our conversations and jokes.
We'd started thinking about our future. Kathryn had been toying with the idea of starting a vegatable garden. I told her that would probably be the best thing for us to do.
"We'll try an experiment first," Kathryn declared one evening while she was searching through the database of our computer. "Talaxian tomatoes. Neelix entered into the computer that they will grow in almost any condition."
"As long as we're not growing leeola root!" I said, looking up from the book I'd been reading.
"I don't know, Chakotay. With your cooking, you probably could get it to taste better then Neelix."
"Kathryn, nothing, but nothing will ever make leeola root taste good. Not even under my masterful cooking techniques." Kathryn began laughing at the joke.
"Then Talaxian tomatoes it is." She quieted a minute then looked at me. "Could you break up some ground for me tomorrow so I can get started?"
I looked back at her, content to do whatever it took to make our lives better. "First thing in the morning," I winked at her.
Life was blissful those last few weeks. She'd taken to planting the tomatoes. Sometimes, I think she brought in more soil then she left for her seedlings. I had taken to mapping the river that was nearby. It flowed peacefully, as far as I could tell. It reminded me of the Columbia river, which ran through what used to be Washington and Oregon. Absoulutely tranquil. I named it Hephzibah, meaning 'my delight is in her'. I never told Kathryn the meaning, because everything about this place, was my delight.
Kathryn had taken to walking along its banks. I never knew when she went; that was her secret, her special time. I allowed her this, as she had a lot of thinking to do. She had to sort out the difference between 'Kathryn' and the 'Captain'. The difference being that one would give freely, the other more restrained. Apparently, Kathryn never thought I knew where she went. Too bad she never learned how to track as I did. Her small footprints led the way down the sand. Sometimes, it was her shoes, sometimes, she went barefoot. I could see where she had stopped to pick something up and examine it, then put it back almost as she had found it. That in itself was very special to me.
One morning, our lives changed forever. She'd actually woken before me and was outside before I got up. Her coffee cup was missing so I knew that she had it with her and that she wasn't too far away. I stepped out of the shelter after working on something special and saw her lying down, working on the tomatoes. As she had predicted (as well as Neelix's notes), they were coming along beautifully.
I walked over to her and sat down beside her, running my hands in the soil. "How's it going?" I asked.
"If all goes well, we should have vine ripened Talaxian tomatoes in couple of months. Unless this planet has the equivalent of tomato bugs. Oh, they're awful." Kathryn said, exaggerating the the 'awful', and took a drink of coffee.
"I never thought of you as the gardening type," I told her. This was true. After the past few weeks, Kathryn seemed to remind me of the aristocratic lady that lost her fortune and had to endure poverty and hardship. Smooth hands that were unaccustomed to hard work and labor; you know, all that kind of romantic stuff.
"I grew up around farmers. My parents insisted on us learning some basic gardening skills."
"I bet you hated it every bit as much as camping."
"I did. Who wanted to be mucking around in the dirt while I could be studying quantum mechanics?" At this, I laughed. I could imagine her as a kid, grumbling about having to her fingers dirty when they were itching to find the problems with quantum mechanics. "But know," she continued. "I find it very satisfying."
I took the oppurtunity to change the subject. "Well, if your tomatoes can spare you a few minutes, I'd like your opinion on something in the house." Kathryn got up. Her dress had wet spots from the morning condensation and smears of dirt where those hands had rubbed off the dirt subconsciously.
"Well, you've come to the right person. I've always got an opinion." She said, dusting her hands, trying to remove the extra dirt from her fingers.
"Really?" I said, raising an eyebrow as she elbowed me. She followed me into the shelter. As Kathryn grabbed a towel to wipe her hands off with, I brought up the display on the computer.
"A boat!" Her voice was excited and breathless at the same time.
"You said you wanted to explore the river. I think I can build this." I told her, pleased with myself. Her eyes widened like a child's at Christmas.
"We could go on a camping trip." The implied meaning of those words. The two of us, sailing the river, camping out under the stars. It was full of meaning to me.
"I don't think we'll be able to bring the bathtub." I gave her back, our usual banter taking on more serious undertones.
"Who'll need a bathtub? I'll have the river to. . ." Some noise interupted our conversation. It was familiar, yet not. It crackled and fizzed. We both looked up at the same time, both of us I believe, coming to the same conclusion.
"Tuvok to Captain Janeway." The sound of the dull Vulcan voice breaking through. "This is Lieutenant Tuvok to Captain Janeway, Commander Chakotay." I shot a quick look to Kathryn then walked over to where we had kept our comm badges. Side by side on the shelf. I picked them up and took them back over to the table. As I handed Kathryn hers, she sat down, her body slumping.
Kathryn looked up at me and hit the badge. "This is Janeway."
"Captain, it is good to hear your voice. We have medicine that we believe may cure your ailment. We'll be in orbit in approximately thirty hours." She looked up at me, I down to her. Within less then a minute, our lives had been changed again. Fragile wings that broke and sent us spiraling down to the ground with nothing to break our fall.
We were going home.
**
The doors to the holodeck open, revealing Kathryn. I've lost track of time. It is now three hours later. Hannah is on her stomach, turtling and smiling.
"How's it going?" Kathryn asks, kneeling down beside me.
"Fine. We've been discussing the finer points of leeola root." I joked. Hannah was totally oblivious to Kathryn and I, too involved with a monarch butterfly to notice.
"The verdict?"
"Our daughter has determined that it should be destroyed at all costs." Kathryn started laughing. I looked at her, smiled. "So, done so soon in engineering?"
"No. I just wanted to see how the two of you were fairing." She ran a hand across her stomach, something she did when she was deep in thought.
"We're fine. In fact we're about to have lunch. Care to join us?" I asked, propping myself up on my elbows.
"Hmm, mushroom soup or baby formula. Tough choice. However, I'll have to forego it today. I promised B'Elanna I'd be right back," Kathryn said, looking over to Hannah. She leaned down and kissed me, running her fingers through my hair. Pulling back, she smiled the secret smile she only gave me.
"The captain's work is never done, right?"
"No, it's not. But sometimes, it's easier then it could be." She answered, then rose to her feet. Kathryn looked around the landscape, perhaps seeing it for the first time as she turned around in slow circle. "This is beautiful. Bring me here the next time we both have time off?"
"My pleasure," I said. She turned and walked back toward the arch of the holodeck. Turning her head slightly so as I could see her profile, she spoke over her shoulder. "Remember, I want to talk to you tonight." My last sight of Kathryn was of her turning toward engineering.
Thirty hours ago, we were married in name only. Thirty hours ago, I wasn't thinking of the past. Thirty hours ago was a lifetime behind us. On New Earth, thirty hours wasn't long enough.
**
We'd begun packing almost immediately. Kathryn and I didn't say much as we began organizing what we would be taking back. I felt miserable. We'd been so close to what we wanted and had been slowly moving toward. We had most of the stuff packed when I made dinner.
Neither of us said a word as we ate. Neither of us looked at each other. It was too hard, too painful. Both of us cleaned up the mess, then I excused myself to go for a walk. I wanted to clear my mind of it's jumbled thoughts.
Realizing I was at the river, I found a rock and leaned up against it, watching the sun set over the hills. I wanted to imbed as much of this into my memory as humanly possible. This was a place of continuus wonder and enchantment. I was so caught up in my thoughts that I never heard her approach.
"Chakotay," She said quietly, sitting down beside me. Her arm barely brushed mine, yet I could feel her warmth. It reminded me of all we were losing.
"I was thinking."
"I know. I've been standing here watching you for fifteen minutes." Kathryn said, watching the sunset too. We sat in silence for a while, each of us with our own thoughts.
"I've missed this. Missed sitting back and taking in the wonder of a sunset, a sunrise. Feeling ground beneath my feet," I said quietly. "I didn't appreciate it when I was younger. Then I was off to Starfleet, then the Maquis, then on Voyager. I didn't realize, until now, how much I miss the simple things in life." Kathryn hadn't said a word for a while. She was so quiet.
"Do you blame me?" Her words struck me at the core.
"Blame you for what?"
"This," she said, pointing in all directions. "Destroying the array, stranding us in the Delta Quadrant, getting stuck here."
"There is no one to blame, Kathryn. You did what you believed was right. From the moment I destoyed our ship and beamed aboard Voyager, I've never blamed you."
"Oh, Chakotay. Sometimes, I think Starfleet's hardened me into a person who only knows how to go by the book. Flexible enough to know right from wrong."
I sighed. "Don't be so hard on yourself, Kathryn. I would have done the exact same thing in your shoes if I had been sent after you."
"Really?"
"Kathryn, this may be hard to believe. In the Maquis, I did what I felt I had to do. Yes, I regret a lot of the decisions I made, some of the things I did. But I felt I was honoring my people; my father's memory. I'm not heartless. I didn't go out of my way to destroy families. And believe me, there are times when I wished I could take it all back."
Kathryn closed her hand over mine. It was warm against my skin. I closed my eyes at the contact. Another regret; her and I.
"I'm so sorry Chakotay," she finally said. "About us. If we had only had more time. . .then I would have finally accepted what we'd been dealt."
I looked at her then. The breeze was lifting loose tendrils from around her face. "Don't ever be sorry, Kathryn. I will wait for you. We've learned, if nothing else on this planet, that we can be friends--best friends. That is one thing I could never change, nor would I want to change." As that night a couple of months back, a tear fell from her eyes.
"As long as you keep your promise to me, Chakotay, I know I'll be all right. We're more then best friends--more then kindred spirits. I sometimes think that we were meant to be dealt this hand."
"Destiny? It could be, Kathryn." I worked to choose the next words carefully. "We're beyond even kindred spirits. We're soulmates. Whether or not we ever act on that is in the hands of others. We balance each other. Just remember Kathryn, whatever happens, here, on Voyager, home, I'll always catch you when you stumble. I'll always be there."
Kathryn squeezed my hand then. Even if she never acknowledged my feelings, returned them, I would continue to be her support. We walked back to the shelter, hand in hand.
That night, for the first time in my life, I heard Kathryn cry.
I awoke the next morning, alone in the shelter. We'd managed to get everything into the shipping containers and outside the night before. Hanging on the partition to my sleeping area, hung my uniform. I dreaded putting back on that thing. It was proving hard to step back into that life. Commander Chakotay woke up on this planet, destined to spend the remainder of his life here. Commander Chakotay would soon be beaming back to Voyager and his former life. Chakotay was being put behind the facade as Kathryn was.
I dressed in that uniform and grabbed the last few reminders of this place. As I stepped outside, I saw a smaller figure in red and black. Hair that I'd gotten used to in braids and ponytails, was back up in the familiar bun. She was apparently staring at her tomatoes.
"Ready?" I asked, setting down the last few things with the cargo bins. She only nodded as she turned toward me. Monkey had returned. For a moment, Kathryn appeared again.
"Well, hello there. I was hoping I'd get to say good bye." Once again, she held her hand out to the monkey, trying to get it to respond to her. She gave up. "Feel free to use the house." Kathryn rose and walked back toward me.
Our eyes locked and for a moment, that's all I could see. Everything, every chance--gone. We'd missed our chance. Some ways, I was glad, but more so, I was saddened. Kathryn and I were now expected to shore up our feelings behind shields that even the toughest weapons couldn't destroy. We took our positions, turned away from one another.
"Janeway to Voyager. Two to beam up."
And New Earth was no more. The image of it shattered when the familiar look of the transporter room materialized in front of us.
There could be no looking back. We were home again.
Part 5: Gluing Back the Pieces