Sitting on the end of the bed, I kick off my shoes. If I had a choice, I'd probably go without them a majority of the time. I've never understood why women officers have to wear boots with three inch heels. Chakotay told me that it was probably an unconscious effort to make women commanders look taller, since many of us are of average height. Then again, these are the men who made women wear those short/skirt things back in the early days. I lay back on the bed, letting my legs dangle off.
"Kathryn?" Chakotay asks.
"Hmm?"
"Something wrong?"
I sigh and throw an arm up over my head. "No, I guess I'm more tired then I thought. Crawling through access tunnels, Jefferies tubes. . ."
"Visiting your family on the holodeck. . ." Chakotay added.
". . .it took a lot out of me. Good thing we have the day off tomorrow. . ." I begin.
"We both have the day off?" Chakotay interrupts.
I look at him with tired eyes and follow his movements as he falls back beside me. "I altered the duty rosters. We need it. Hannah will be with Samantha tomorrow." I can see that he was thinking about this information. "Chakotay, you work too hard. I work too hard."
"But I feel like we're taking advantage of the crew by both of us taking the day off," he said. I put a finger on his lips to silence him.
"That's supposed to be my argument. Besides, Tuvok suggested it."
"Tuvok?"
"Surprised?" I ask him. I turn onto my side and prop my head up on a hand. He looks up at me with those brown eyes of his. You could get lost in eyes like those.
"Well, not really. He's gotten better over the years." He smiled then.
His expression grew serious again. "Kathryn, are you absolutely sure about this?"
"Third and final time, Commander. I want another baby. I want you. Now, are we going to make love or are we going to talk about it all night?" I said, raising an eyebrow at him.
"Well, since Hannah is entertaining Tom and B'Elanna tonight, we have tomorrow off, and there is nothing ahead that looks like trouble, I guess we have some time," Chakotay says, reaching out to the top button of my dress. He pushes it threw the hole, watching my face the whole time. I lean down and kiss him, fully, passionately.
"We have plenty of time," I whisper against his cheek as he rolls me under him.
**
Being in Starfleet always involves a certain amount of risk. You learn that very early when you begin your studies. Some take risks more then others, allowing for the cowboy cavalier way of thinking that sometimes permeates the thoughts of Starfleet officers.
Chakotay never struck me as a cowboy. But I learned how much his duty to us meant to him. A surprise attack led to our technology being stolen. Needless to say, Seska was behind the whole episode. Just when I thought he'd gotten past what had happened when we found out her 'little' secret.
I can not begin to say how disappointed I was in him when he took it upon himself to go after her, in a shuttle craft, alone. He'd sent an automated message beacon, telling me that he apologized for acting without authorization. Chakotay, being the officer he was, tried to dissuade us from going in for him, not wanting me to put the ship or crew in danger for him. Yet what chilled me most was his last sentence.
"It's unlikely that I'm still alive."
For some reason, I couldn't quite fathom Chakotay dead and gone. Something inside told me I'd know if he were dead. However, if Seska did have him, he may not be long for this world.
I took the chance and went after him. I had nothing to lose. If Chakotay were dead, at least I'd know. We managed to find him and B'Elanna performed a miracle, allowing us to get through their shielding and bring our badly beaten and barely alive commander back.
Truth told, I wasn't sure how to feel. I was mad because he'd undermined my authority and acted on his own. Yet, I couldn't take away what he managed to accomplish by doing what he did. I was saddened by the fact that he had to be put through that torture and deal with a woman he once thought he could trust.
It didn't make my job any easier. As first officer, Chakotay should have known better, anticipated the consequences for his actions. When he first came aboard this ship and as my second in command, he knew the obstacles we faced. If any Maquis happened to be looking for fuel for a fire, he had just given them a good quantity. How could I do my job as captain if my first officer kept taking it upon himself to go after those who made our lives difficult? I should of seen it then. He was doing it for me, alleviating the burden of having to make a decision.
I had never seen Chakotay looking so embarrassed. When he had recuperated and gotten some rest, I called him on the carpet, in my ready room. Not wanting to let the anger I felt show and come forward, I dealt with him, in the most diplomatic way I had been taught.
A straightforward approach.
"Just tell me one thing," I began, noting that he was looking me anywhere but in the eye, "What were you thinking?" I hope I didn't sound as upset as I truly was.
"About keeping our technology out of Kazon hands. I thought if I did it on my own, I could keep the rest of the crew out of danger." Just what I had thought. I got the feeling he wanted to add something to it, but he left it at that.
"That might be a very noble sentiment, but it wasn't your decision to make." He knew he was wrong. Chakotay was avoiding my eyes on purpose. "Oh, Chakotay, we've spent the last ten months together on this ship. I thought we had an understanding. Why did you choose to ignore procedure?" I wanted the answer, hear the truth. I just prayed he wouldn't start lying to me now.
"Seska was my problem. A problem I thought was my duty to solve," he said. I knew that was the truth as he believed it.
"So you had a. . .personal score to settle."
"I thought I was doing the right thing."
"Really?" I said, getting up from my desk and coming around to stand in front of him. At times like these, I felt my height was a disadvantage. "Tell me this: how do you expect me to keep order when the first officer takes it upon himself to run off like some cowboy because he decides it's a good idea? What you did, was commendable. The way you did it, was not." It was written all over his face how sorry he was. "You set a terrible example. And on a personal level, you've made my job more difficult."
"If that's so, I regret it," he said, finally meeting my eyes. Chakotay did regret it. He had done something that disturbed him. Technically, he was getting off scott-free. I didn't have the luxury of putting him in the brig for any amount of time.
"I'm putting you on report, in case that means anything anymore," I said, pointing out how useless conventional methods were in our situation.
"It means something to me, Captain. It means I've let you down. And for that, I'm truly sorry." I'm sure that my putting him on report was one of the harshest punishments the man had ever had from a higher ranking official. He took being on report seriously.
In the next few minutes, I found that my punishment paled in comparison to what Seska had done to him while he'd been held captive. She hailed us, informing Chakotay that while he'd been there, she'd extracted some of his DNA and had impregnated herself with it and was now pregnant.
After the initial shock, Chakotay stormed off the bridge. I went after him. Catching him in the turbo lift, I ordered it to deck two, where the observation room was. I took his elbow and directed him in the direction of it. Inside the dark interior, I turned toward him. There was more to this story then I obviously knew.
"You had no idea," I began.
"How was I to know? Part of the time I was there, I didn't even know where I was," Chakotay began. He was again avoiding my eyes. He clenched his fist against the bulkhead and rested his chin against it, looking out to the stars for an answer. "I should have known she'd find some way to keep me tied to her."
"Chakotay, it isn't your responsibility. You had no part of it. . ." I started.
"Didn't I?" he said, looking sideways at me. I could see the turbulence of emotion behind his eyes.
"No, you didn't. Technically, she raped you," A harsh word, but that's what Seska had done to him.
"Well, there's not much I can do about it, is there?" he said. A highly private man being raked over the coals as he was. First by me, then by Seska. I decided to leave him to deal with this on his own. Taking my leave of him, I started toward the door.
"Captain?" His voice reaching out to me in the dark.
"Yes?"
Chakotay moved so that I could see him in the light. His face held a deep concern, one I could see around his eyes. "If the time ever presents itself, promise me that you'll never take on Maje Culluh by yourself."
"Chakotay. . ."
"Promise me, please." He came to stand directly in front of me. Damn. He knew something I didn't and he meant what he was telling me. "I've seen the way he treats women. Even Seska doesn't deserve the abuse he gives her. He doesn't like women, and has an apparent deep hatred and contempt for them."
"I can take care of myself."
He reached out and took my upper arms in his grasp. Chakotay wasn't one to just touch someone. I knew he at that moment that he meant it, was trying to extract a promise out of me. "Culluh really dislikes you. One reason, is you that you won't share our technology, but it's more then that. You're in power and he can't stand that. Not to mention, when he looks at you, it's as if he's taking inventory."
"Surely. . ."
"Ask anyone who's been on the bridge when we've been in contact with him. They'll tell you the same thing." He released my arms. "Just don't put yourself in a position where you have to be in same room with him alone. For that matter, Kathryn, anywhere alone with him."
"All right, Chakotay. I'll try to avoid that circumstance." I gave him a tired smile. "I've come to count on your hunches these past few months." Then it occurred to me. Seska seemed to be in pretty comfy with Culluh. "Chakotay, do you think it's possible for Seska to be pregnant by Culluh?"
"It's a possibility. I know she'll stop at nothing if there is anything in it for her. I guess I'll just have to wait and see." I turned from him again, leaving him to his thoughts. As I exited, I heard Chakotay's soft voice behind me. I'm not sure that I was ever suppose to hear what he said.
"He'll have to kill me to get you anyplace by yourself."
**
I thought that putting Chakotay on report had been one of the most difficult things I'd ever done. It wasn't even in comparison to what I was about to do to him. Not long after our run in with Seska, Tuvok came to me, telling me that he had discovered covered messages that were being sent to the Nistram vessel. The only problem was that we didn't know who it was. Whoever the culprit was, knew how to disguise his tracks well.
Tuvok pointed out that in most probability, it was a former Maquis crew member. It never seemed to end with them. Seska, Lon Suder, Dalby, Chell, Henley, Geron, Hogan. Even occasionally B'Elanna. Tuvok was convinced we could flush him out, if we used the one member of my crew, the one member that would be the most believable. The only member of my crew that seemed to fit the bill, was Tom Paris.
Against my better judgment, I allowed Tuvok to convince me that Chakotay shouldn't be let in on our little plan. Tuvok pointed out that it would be a conflict of interest if we suspected one of his former shipmates and put him into that type of situation. I agreed.
Tom and Chakotay were still agreeing to disagree at that point. It would be easy for Tom to cause trouble for Chakotay. The gambling, the being late for duty, lying, looking like he slept in his uniform. I was surprised when he shoved Chakotay on the bridge. The ground work was laid and I had no choice but to follow through with it. However, when Tom went to the Talaxian convoy, we didn't anticipate one little problem.
Neelix.
I'll give my little ambassador credit. He did one hell of a job with his investigation concerning Tom and his sudden interest in leaving Voyager. But when I called Tuvok and Neelix into my ready room, I knew I had to finally let Chakotay in on what was going on.
"What initial investigation?" he asked. Chakotay looked around like he was the last to know anything. Which in this case, was probably closer to the truth then was told. He turned to me, questions dancing in his eyes. "Captain, what's going on?'
I went around him and Tuvok, putting Tuvok between Chakotay and I. "What I'm about to say will come as a surprise to you, Commander. There has been a spy aboard Voyager, but it isn't Tom Paris."
Neelix asked a question. "No. Lt. Paris is in fact, part of our plan." Out of the corner of my eye, I could see that Chakotay was really confused.
"Plan?" he asked.
I told him the truth about how Tuvok came to me after discovering evidence of the transmissions between us and the Nistram ship. We had a spy on board. I told him how we couldn't find the person doing the communicating.
"We needed a way to flush out the spy and we had exhausted all conventional methods. That's when we thought of using Tom. Finding a way to get him on the Kazon ship." As what we were telling Chakotay sunk in, I saw something in his eyes that I hadn't seen since the first time he had beamed over here: anger.
"Are you saying Paris' insulting behavior, the gambling, the being late for duty, mouthing off at me, was all a rouse?" I realized then that we had made one hell of a mistake with leaving Chakotay out of this. Tuvok told him that, yes, that was the case. We needed Tom's decision to leave Voyager look plausible. That's why Tom had been acting like such an ass.
"And the reason I wasn't let in on this little plan?" he asked. Tuvok had saved me from explaining, that it was he who had suggested it to me, not wanting Chakotay let in on it, so he wouldn't be stuck in the middle.
"In other words, you didn't trust me," Chakotay said. This time around, it was I who couldn't look him in the eyes.
"Commander," I began, "The simple fact is, we needed a good performance. I'm afraid we used you to help Tom provide it and you did a damn good job." I tried to convey my apology by my facial expression, my eyes, body language; anything to tell him that I was sorry we had used him so dreadfully bad.
After we had recovered Tom from his mission and all the hoopla had died down, I knew I had to talk to him. Chakotay had played along well, but he felt used, as well as he should have. I finally tracked him down in the observation room during Delta shift.
"Commander?" I said. I could see his figure against the star scape, hands behind his back in a parade rest position. He looked up to the window, registering who it was who had walked in on him by reflection.
"Captain," he said. Chakotay's voice didn't hold any of the emotions that I thought he'd be experiencing. Then again, Chakotay was unlike any man I had ever met before.
"I would like to discuss with you what happened with Tom. . ."
"No need to explain, Captain. You and Tuvok did what you thought best." If it weren't for his words, I would have left him. Deep down, I had made a terrible mistake. I only hoped that I hadn't alienated the only man that was my bridge between me and my crew.
"Don't lie to me. You hate what we did." Chakotay turned on me then and I only caught a flash of the anger in his eyes.
"All right. I do hate what you did," he said and he moved so he was directly in front of me. "When you asked me to be your first officer, I asked you why not Tuvok. He was technically next in line. You told me that under normal circumstances, he would be in the seat next to you. But you needed a bridge between your crew and mine."
"I do," I told him. I still needed him to my left side.
"You have a funny way of showing it, Captain. Every time there is a big decision to be made, you consult with Tuvok first, then me as an afterthought. You want to know something? That hurts. It's like you don't trust me."
"I do trust you, Chakotay."
"Do you? I feel like a fifth wheel. I know how this works. I was in Tuvok's position before I left Starfleet. I took command protocol. Believe me, I know how this game is played. Just because I had turned my back on it, doesn't mean you forget what you learn."
I took a step back. Lord, what had I done to this man. This really did bother him. "I made a mistake. And despite what you may think, I didn't enjoy it. We left you out of the plan because your former crew has a less then stellar track record. Seska turned out to be Cardassian spy who was stealing our technology, amongst other things. Lon Suder murdered one of my crew. Hogan is opinionated. Chell, Dalby, Henley and Geron had no respect for Starfleet regulation. B'Elanna almost killed Carey. Michael Jonas was leading us into an ambush. You tell me, what would you have done in my position?"
"You want the truth? I would have let you in on my plans. I would have had enough faith in you to let you play the part. The only people you had to prove it to was the crew." He turned from me back to the window.
"What do you want from me, Chakotay?"
He turned back. There was something in his eyes I couldn't identify. "What I would like, Captain, is a little faith. I don't put my own faith in blindly with someone. I am your first officer. Treat me like it. Consult me, ask my opinion. Don't shut me out." He smiled then. "If you gave us a chance, you'd find that we probably make a pretty good team. Just let me be a sounding board. Allow me to do my job, as per Starfleet regulations."
Chakotay made me see the truth that night. I had been treating him less then his position. In his position, I would have resented that treatment myself. Before I left, I tried to reassure him.
"I promise to not overlook you anymore. Please forgive me." And I left. If I had gotten to know my first officer a little better before that night, I would have realized that he had forgiven me long before I stepped into that observation room.
All I needed was the faith in him that he had in me.
**
I lay in his arms after one of the most incredible love making sessions I've ever experienced. Unlike any other time, including last night, it was like we had something else we were reaching for. We were.
His faith in me was absolute from the beginning. Had I only scratched beneath the surface a little more. Even back then, he was conveying his emotions to me. I told him that when we were flushing out Jonas, that's when I realized I loved him.
It's true. I felt so horrible about the way we had treated him. Trust, faith, devotion, I tossed aside to the beat of a drummer that was 70,000 light years away from me. The more I thought about it, the more I realized I felt so horrible was because I was looking for his acceptance.
"Well?" he asks quietly.
"Well what?" I say.
"Thinking. What are you thinking?" Chakotay says. He props his head up on his fist, looking down on me.
"I was thinking about how I had hurt you when I didn't put my trust in my first officer."
Chakotay narrowed his eyes at me. "Why would you be thinking about that?"
I smiled up at him. "I don't know, to tell you the truth. Maybe I was just seeing how far we'd come since that day seven years ago. If someone had told me then that the man I had been sent after would turn out to be my best friend and husband, I would have wrote them off."
He smiled at me. That smile he uses on only me. Chakotay leans down and kisses me again. Pulling away, he looks in my eyes, gently stroking my cheek with his thumb. "Should we increase our chances of conceiving?" he asks me.
"I thought you'd never ask," I say.
As we begin, I let my mind wander back to a time where we entered a garden, enjoyed the beauty and almost paid the ultimate price.
At one point I would have given my soul to return to those carefree days again.
**
We'd been cooped up on the ship for too long. When we had found this beautiful planet, I took Chakotay with me. Number one, because he was a scientist and two, we both needed a slight break from our duties.
We spent the better part of day down on this planet that was so much like Earth, that we joked about calling it New Earth. Chakotay and I talked as we took readings, mapped, explored. Both of us had experienced some sort of bite. When we looked, we couldn't see anything, nor did we ever find the bug that bit us. When our time was up, we beamed back to Voyager.
It almost hit us at the moment we materialized on the transporter platform. I wanted to think it was because we were in sunlight and fresh air for the first time in months. We split up, going to our respective quarters. An hour later, I staggered into sickbay, barely able to see, considering my vision was giving me double, triple images. I was so cold, I shook. My head hurt, my whole body hurt.
I don't remember much after that, other then Kes and the doctor picking me up and laying me on a bio-bed. My head was so heavy, I couldn't lift it from the pillow. Darkness overtook me, rarely letting me out of it's grasp. I was barely able to register when they brought in Chakotay and put him on the next bio bed. I heard snatches of conversation. He'd been found outside my quarters, on the floor, barely breathing. In one of my more coherent phases, Doc told me that the only way he could keep Chakotay and I from slipping further away was to beam us back to the planet. There, he would put us in stasis so we could be monitored.
The last memory I had for eighteen days, was looking over at Chakotay through the glass of our chambers. He was squinting at the sunlight. I gave him a smile, weak with the sickness we had been ill with. Chakotay smiled, then drifted off to sleep.
I followed him, looking into a blue sky filled with clouds. We had entered a garden that had no intention of letting us leave.
And I dreamed of nothing.