Part 7: Through the Hour Glass
Kathryn and I finally slipped comfortably into our friendship. Culluh, without Seska and knowing that it was a vain effort, stopped following us. It was a relief for all of us to finally be rid of the Kazon. We were best of friends in many regards and on many fronts. She knew she could come to me with her emotional tirades, which weren't very common but were there anyway. Truth be told, there were only three of us on this ship she trusted implicitly. I was one. Tuvok was her given. They had the oldest friendship of any of her crew.
Tuvok she used for guidance, when her own logic was flawed. Though from my vantage point, that wasn't very often. Kathryn had a ruthless streak of logic within her that sometimes left me in awe. When my crew first joined hers, there was a lot of behind her back talk that made its way to me: For one, Kathryn was even more cold then a Vulcan. I quietly put an end on those rumors, knowing how damaging they could be. There didn't need to be a wall between Kathryn and her crew.
The second one she confided in regularly was Kes. Kes, though to us seemed young, she had a endless well of wisdom. Her efforts alone had made our holographic doctor more approachable in terms of his manner. She made people feel at ease. It is through Kes, that I almost hesitate to call Hannah Kathryn's first child. When Kes went into premature elogium, Kathryn was there, backing her the whole way. She treated Kes as a daughter. I think Kathryn's tutelage helped Kes through some very difficult points in her life. There was a high level of respect between the two.
Kes, in a lot of ways, brought Kathryn and I closer together. See, Kathryn doesn't have much faith in what can't be explained by science. The biggest 'leap of faith' I'd ever seen her take was when I introduced her to her spirit guide.
When we first met Kes, she admitted that she came to the surface of Ocampa because she was curious. She believed there was more for her people then what the Caretaker was offering. That curiosity led to her studying medicine and other various aspects of Voyager. Though it's a bad pun, curiosity almost killed our Kes.
While on an away mission, Kes was enthralled by this shrine. Neelix had said that she was amazed at the colors and the light. When she walked up to see the light and was thrown back away, unconscious and unresponsive. Nothing the doctor did would revive her and slowly, Kes' life was ebbing away from us. Kathryn, unwilling to let anyone die needlessly, came and told me that she had requested to go through the rituals that the monks went through.
Kathryn walked around my office, sipping coffee and telling me about the different rituals in the Federation databanks. She knew there would be some physical, endurance test. I admit, Kathryn had her homework done. Yet, I couldn't help the doubt that crept into my bones. I didn't hesitate to tell her so.
"Forgive me, but you've never been one for 'leaps of faith', Kathryn."
"I think if we scratch at the surface enough, I think all beliefs have a scientific basis," Kathryn said, that damn crooked grin of hers dissolving my argument. I told her that after my mother had told me the secret behind the Vision Quest, it had lost some of its mystery.
"Maybe they decided to keep some of that mystery," I said. I didn't want to tell her that I thought that her doing this was admirable, but unnecessary. Still, I had learned to not to tell Kathyrn what she could and couldn't do. She never let me forget that I had said that 'she was the captain.'
When she beamed down, none of us knew what to expect. She had a transponder put in her upper arm to act as a comm badge in case she wanted an emergency beam out. Kathryn went through three grueling days of that ordeal. What was I doing during this time? I was glued to the monitors in sickbay, watching her condition. I got the feeling that the doctor was as irritated with me as Neelix, who was hovering over Kes.
I pushed the panic button a few times, I'll admit to that. Especially when that toxin was introduced into her blood stream. Tuvok and the doctor kept telling me that as long as she wasn't delirious or dying, there was no reason why they couldn't keep the analysis going.
Kathryn returned to the ship, looking like death had laid claim. She looked exhausted and thoroughly out of it. But according to the doctor, the information he had gathered during her ordeal had bought him powerful information about how to treat Kes. The anti-toxin her body produced was the key for Kes' survival.
I excused myself. I figured after three days of watching the monitors in sickbay, the best place for me was probably the bridge. Excusing duty for Kathryn. I knew she wouldn't approve.
The next thing I knew, I was getting hailed by her. She wanted me to bring Kes and beam down to the shrine. I fought doc to let her beam down with me and of course, Neelix insisted upon accompanying me as well. Never stand between a man and the woman he loves.
Kathryn's idea was insane. The exhaustion, the stress was finally getting to her. She planned on taking Kes back into the shrine. As she told me her plan, I pulled out my tri-corder and aimed it at the shrine.
"Kathryn, there are 600 megajules of energy passing through that thing. You'll be killed," I told her, letting the concern into my voice. This was irrational and irrationality on the captains behalf was grounds for being relieved of duty. That was the one step I didn't want to do.
"I know what I'm doing," she said. We were inches apart, her blue eyes glaring into mine. Neelix was saying how much he appreciated all she was doing for Kes, but he couldn't and Kes couldn't expect Kathryn to hand over her life to save Kes.
I made it clear that I would relieve her of duty if she continued with this plan of hers. Then who I took to be Kathryn's guide on this journey, emerged from the shadows. After a few moments, she came back for Kes.
"Kathryn, I don't understand this," I told her as she came to pick up Kes to carry her back to the shrine.
Through her own exhaustion, those blue eyes sparkled with life. "Neither do I. That's the challenge," she told me. That was her way of telling me 'end of discussion'. I moved to the side and allowed her to pick up Kes. Pure adrenaline allowed her to pick up that little Ocampan and take her up the steps to the shrine. When the force pushed her away and Kes opened her eyes, I let out the breath I'd been holding.
I was so sure that this time, Kathryn would be lost to me. That frightened me more then anything. Her challenge, she won. But how much longer could she hold out from the Grim Reaper?
**
I lay back in the grass and watch the clouds in the sky. Hannah lies across my chest, taking a nap. The clouds look real enough, changing shapes, taking on forms. One, oddly enough, looks like Kathryn's profile. Hannah moves, kneeing me in the ribs. However, she doesn't wake, oblivious to my discomfort. I don't mind. Baby beatings don't hurt as much as real ones.
What strikes me, is all the time she was pregnant, Kathryn wished, prayed-was prepared to sell her soul, to have a girl. Moreover, I also hoped for a daughter. Kathryn hoped for one reason. I wanted one for many different reasons. See, Kathryn was afraid. She'd been tempted years ago by Q to have his child. I think that was on her mind for quite a while. Kathryn had told me the prospect of being The Mother of Peace had it's incentives, but her own principles and values were too great.
It's been quite some time since we saw that pompous air bag. I hope he's bugging Picard again. When it comes right down to it, I hope to never see him again. Besides, everything Kathryn said to him in regards that there 'wasn't another man'. Now, there was. And I was it.
**
Only two starships in Federation history had witnessed a supernova. We had just become the third and we had been closer then any other ship. Definitely a record, to echo Harry's words. Everyone got to witness it, including Neelix, Kes and the doctor. I don't know if that holoemitter was a blessing or a curse.
Kathryn wanted to get started right away, but her own body language told me something else. She was rubbing her neck and trying to release the tension.
"Chakotay, what do you say we get started on analyzing those carbon conversion readings?" she said. Kathryn even sounded tired.
"Captain, you've been on the bridge for fourteen straight hours. Don't you think you deserve a little rest? Harry and I will get to work on the astrometric analysis and we'll give you a full report in the morning," I told her. She hated being told to rest, so I tried to smooth it over to some extent.
"You win," she said. "I'll see you at 0700." As she left, there was a spring to her step. Kathryn wasn't one to turn down an opportunity like this. She may have been the captain, but she was a scientist through and through. Harry and I began immediately to have the data ready for her when promised.
She hadn't been gone very long when I got a call from a very tired sounding Kathryn. I thought she'd be asleep in a matter of minutes.
"Janeway to bridge."
"Chakotay here Captain. I thought you were going to get some sleep." I was thinking that maybe she'd forgot something to tell us. Some last minute orders, which was her style.
"I've just had a visit from Q. He's gone now, but I want to be notified if immediately if he appears anywhere on the ship or if anything odd starts to happen." Great. Mr. Congeniality with a huge ego was back. Kathryn had told me that the last time he'd made a visit when we were debating whether Quinn deserved the right to mortality, he'd appeared in her bed. She had laughed about it when she told me about it, but she said that he had some nerve. I had commented that I wondered if he'd ever popped up in Picard's bed.
"Acknowledged. What did he want?" I asked, my curiosity peaked.
Kathryn hesitated for a moment before answering me. "Let's just say he had a personal request."
"Captain?" I didn't like the sound of that 'personal request'.
"I'm not sure what he's really up to. But I have a feeling he'll be back. Janeway out."
While working with Harry to get that information done, what Kathryn had told me about Q's little visit was in the back of my mind. Q from past experiences, didn't make an appearance unless he wanted something. Yet, I couldn't help but feel jealous.
0700 hours came and went and Harry and I were still hard at work. About an hour later, with data in hand, I buzzed her ready room chime announcing my arrival.
"Come in," I heard her say, her voice stifling a yawn. I entered and noticed she was downing the coffee like there was no tomorrow. In fact, she looked worse then she did when she left the bridge last night. It was as if she hadn't had any sleep. I was pretty close in that assumption.
"I've got those carbon conversion readings from the super nova," I told her, holding out the PADD with the information on it. She looked a wreck. I was hesitant to leave. I really wanted to know what Q 'requested'.
"Thank you," she said taking it. "Is there something else?" she asked me, noting my reluctance to leave just yet.
"Have you heard anything more from Q?" I asked. Perhaps he'd come back in the night.
"No. I wish I could believe he's gone for good." From the look on her face, I could tell she didn't think too highly of him.
"I was wondering--just what you meant when you said he'd made a personal request?" Kathryn was obviously embarrassed and uneasy with this.
"He wants to mate with me." Oh lord, I thought, anything butthat.
"I see," I said, while thinking to myself, 'don't do it Kathryn'.
"Obviously it's out of the question," Kathryn said, as if repulsed by the idea of mating with Q. "And I suspect it's a smoke screen, knowing Q. He probably has some hidden agenda," she said, almost as if trying to convince herself.
"Maybe," I said, regretting immediately the way it sounded when it came out. She was being offered something that I had been deprived of in the end with Seska.
"Chakotay. . ." she said, rising from her chair and putting her hand on my arm. Her gesture of reassurance.
"I know I don't have any right to feel this way, but this bothers the hell out of me," I told her. Yes, it was going to *bother me. For pete's sake, I was in love with the woman. Just the idea of him with her was making me feel ill.
"I do believe you're jealous." His annoying voice filling Kathryn's ready room. "Why didn't you tell me there was another man?"
"Because there isn't," Kathryn said. Pretty hard to declare what isn't there. "I'm just not interested in you." Kathryn told him.
"Any more questions?" I asked Q. I hadn't thought much of him since our first encounter. Air bag had crossed my mind a few times.
He looked between me and Kathryn, as if he'd caught us doing something naughty. "I was wondering, Kathy; what could anyone see in this big oaf anyway?" Oh, that hurt. Apparently, Q had no idea. "Is it the tattoo? Because mine's bigger," he said, showing us an embellished version of my own.
"Not big enough!" Kathryn said, coming around the end of her desk and putting an exaggerated swing in her hips as she left the ready room. It was on the tip of my tongue to tell him 'less is more.' However, I held back and followed her from the room, leaving Q to stew.
What he tried to get her to co-operate with him. Kathryn, having enough, called me into her ready room and paced nervously.
"You won't believe what he's done," she started.
"Try me," I said. Omnipotent powers did have it's unfair advantages.
"First, he serenaded me in my bath. My bath of all places." Oh, the images I got from that. "I wanted to kill him, but that was a little difficult considering the situation."
"Then he filled the bridge with roses," I added, being there when the bridge turned red and smelled of the delicious fragrance.
"Oh, Chakotay, if he weren't omnipotent, I'd have taken a phaser rifle to him within a few seconds," Kathryn said.
I agreed with her. When he took her into the Continuum, I feared the worst. We got her back however, in one piece. After Q had made a final visit with his son, she called me to her ready room. I didn't hesitate to tell her what I'd been thinking.
"He could have forced you, you know," I told her. Nothing was beyond his power.
"I know. It was a chance I took. I don't think he would. But I told him I could never have a child with a man I didn't love," she said, not quite looking me in the eye.
"Well, at least you don't have to worry about him anymore. I think Miss Q will keep him in his place," I told her. My heart had lifted at what she had told him. Somewhere along the line, she had thought of having children.
That, gave me hope for a future.
**
Q had opened Kathryn's eyes to the possibility. However, so many things had held her back. The specter of Mark back on earth, plus her own version of protocols. I don't know who she was trying to fool at the time, besides herself. Perhaps she didn't think I knew of the regulations regarding inner ship relationships. There she was wrong.
I thank my lucky stars that she was. I don't know what I'd do without her. Many go through life not finding the other piece of their puzzle. I did, and I'd be damned if I'd let her go. Hannah knees me in the ribs again.
"Hey, little one. Watch it. Dad is not your personal punching bag." I whispered to her. Actually, she reminds me of Kathryn. Kathryn rarely sleeps deeply. When I had watched her before, she was all over the place, punching her pillow, tossing and turning. All in just a few minutes. I'd learned of her insomnia problem not long after. Last night though, she'd slept peacefully, only moving occasionally.
I'd said that I'd almost lost my Kathryn forever. I almost did. Q had opened the door a little. An alien opened it more. Everyday, I thank that stubborn constitution of hers for being here. I wasn't prepared to let her go then. I wouldn't be now. But I live with the knowledge that even if we were separated death, we'd still be with the other. Kathryn had done it once before, before there was a 'we' and an 'us'. Kathryn had come back to me. And after one of my greatest follies, I came back to her.
We were even. Everything turned in an endless hoop.
Never-ending, is what we are.