Disclaimer: see previous parts.
Part 9: Hunted Within A Reflection.
I betrayed Kathryn. Not in the way you would expect. Some may want to believe that I had a hidden agenda; that I was using Kathryn to get to the captain's chair. It was never the case with me. Mutiny and betrayal, as a rule, is not in my blood. When I consider someone my friend, they are. I don't turn my back on them. Kathyrn told me later, she didn't fault me for what happened, but neither of us for a long time could look each other in the eye.
Very painful, that is. Not being able to look into someone's eyes. Eyes that tell every secret, mirror the soul. It began with--well, pon farr. Ensign Vorik had determined that B'Elanna was just the right person to be his mate. The only thing I can say is, that for aVulcan, he didn't do his research very well. Anyone who knows B'Elanna knows that you don't get on her wrong side. Well, the touch had an unexpected effect on B'Elanna; it sent her into pon farr, or I guess, the Klingon equivalent. On an away mission, she bit Paris. Iknow enough about Klingons to know that a bite represents a lot more then just biting for the pleasure.
After it was all over and we were getting rid of the settlement remains at the request of the inhabitants of the planet, I discovered something that I knew would get Kathryn's attention. I called her down to the planet's surface.
"We were clearing away the settlement when we uncovered it," I told her, leading her to where we had found the important part.
"What is it?" Kathryn asked. She hated surprises and I knew she wasn't going to like this one.
"The remains of one of those who helped destroy this civilization," I said, pulling back the foliage and revealing the remains of one of the conquerors of this world.
A dead Borg.
Kathryn looked at me, I at her. We knew that we were both getting close. Both of us had seen the carnage at Wolf 359. Both of us knew that the Borg originated in the Delta Quadrant and we knew that sooner or later, we would be encountering them. It appeared that it would be sooner. Neither of us realized in that few minutes that our two dealings with the Borg would almost destroy our friendship and test our faith and trust in each other.
**
As I watch Hannah, I hope she never feels she can't trust anyone. That is a horrible feeling, not being able put faith in those who hold your life in the palm of their hand. I know as long as I and Kathryn live, Hannah will have that element in her life.
I won't lie. After my experience with Riley Frazier and our run in with the Collective and Species 8472, our trust in each other was heavily strained. One wrong move, one wrong word and it would have snapped like a rubber band. That was how tight it had become between Kathryn and I.
Hannah begins pulling off her socks. She'll lie there on her back and put her feet up in the air for an long amount of time. I guess time, truth, faith mean nothing to child of six months. Children are the most innocent. They're never afraid until they are taught to be afraid. Kathryn told me after her 'death', that she'd never make a child of hers do something they didn't want to do, like piano lessons (which she had hated). I had agreed. Being forced to accept something just makes one resent it in the end. That's what happened to me with my father and our tribal beliefs. That is what made me take so long to accept Seven of Nine. 'Once bitten, twice shy' is the expression.
Once bitten. That really sounds pathetic. There has been so many times I've looked at that situation and wondered what the hell I had been thinking. Thing was, I was so out of it, I wasn't thinking. How's that for an excuse?
My one hope for Hannah, is that she never encounters the same webs that Kathryn and I had been trapped in. I never want to see her hunted, thought of as prey, used abominably by other cultures. That is something I wouldn't want to impose on any other being.
Trust, faith, emotional blackmail--Kathryn and I had run the gauntlet of extremes. Reflections always seem to tell the truth when it isn't evident to the naked eye.
**
We knew that we were closer to encountering the Borg. Kathryn had made it clear that she didn't want to be caught off guard. Anyone who had been in Starfleet for any length of time could attest to what not being prepared could do. The Borg were ruthless,intimidating, pure evil. It was also disconnected Borg that saved my life, but at a great price to my relationship with Kathryn.
Ensign Kaplan and I had taken a shuttle. Par for the course with me, I crashed the damn thing. The next thing I knew, I was waking up, being cared for by an attractive woman. I won't lie, for she was. My first instinct was to find out about Kaplan. Her condition was a lot worse then mine and mine was pretty bad. The longer I was there, the worse I felt. I can honestly say that I felt the life draining from my body.
However, I still managed to discover the secret behind the human establishment in the Delta Quadrant. All had been assimilated by the Borg in Alpha Quadrant and brought here. They had been severed from the Collective. Here, they were trying to desperately rebuild the lives lost back in the Alpha Quadrant. But the longer I was to remain here, the worse I became. Dr. Frazier said the only way I could survive was to have a neural transceiverinserted into my spine, hooking me temporarily to the Collective, which would heal me. I took the chance, knowing that Voyager and Kathryn would come looking for us.
I won't go into the details. It isn't something worth the pain. All I can say, is that through the link, I learned more then I ever wanted to about one person. After all had been exposed, there was nothing left to discover. What I didn't realize at the time, was that I was still under their influence when I helped them rebuild their transmitter.
I brought Dr. Frazier up here and presented her idea to Kathryn. What I was too blind to see was that what had happened was written all over me. Kathryn saw it, how could she not. I suppose it would be like a wife finding the scent of another woman's perfume on her husband's coat. As I argued every reason I could think of to help them, Kathryn circled me like a vulture. Hunting her prey, Kathryn was. I couldn't look her in the eyes. Maybe if I had, I would have seen the hurt in them. I had went back on one of my promises; to lighten her burden. I was making it heavier.
When it comes right down to it, I was under their influence even then. In an attempt to disable the dead Borg Cube, I stunned B'Elanna, eluded the crew. My blind eyes were wide open for the deception. When I awoke, the voices that had called me with their siren song, were no longer there.
I stood there, waiting for a reaming from Kathryn on my actions. Whatever she gave out as punishment, I was ready to accept. While I apologized for being a pawn, Kathryn kept telling me that it wasn't my fault. Had I looked deeper at the time, we had reversed our roles. In the briefing room, it was I who couldn't look her in the eye. Now, in sickbay, she couldn't look me in the eye. I had believed where she had her doubts.
Perhaps I didn't have to feel guilty. It wasn't as if there was anything between us other then friendship. One couldn't really call it cheating. I'm not made out of stone, but using my needs as an excuse, cheapens the moment even more. Any momentum we'd been building between us, was now back to square one. This had been my fault and I readily admit it. Had I known then, I would have seen that my actions had broken her heart.
That was painful, knowing that I had done that to her. Kathryn has had enough heartbreak without my adding to it. I'd cast the first pebble that cracked her glass. It only widened with our next encounter with the Borg.
There was an old saying, though it's meaning is different, but is yet true; those in glass houses shouldn't cast stones.
**
I've changed my holodeck program into a replica of the habitat Kathryn and I shared on New Earth. Both of us worked on this program together, knowing we could retreat here to get back in touch with our basic needs. I put Hannah in the corner with a pile of her toys I had found in the bottom of the pack Kathryn had put together. I decided to do some sand painting. It was rare when I found the time to do it anymore. As a rule, I was more inclined to do stone carvings, which took more patience and thought.
I look over to the programmed wall where I watched Kathryn many nights. If I looked hard enough, I could almost see her turning back and forth. Unconsciously, while I've been thinking back to another lifetime, I have created a sand painting that looks, ironically like a scorpion. Scorpion, the one word that redeemed Kathryn and I from a fire pit in hell. The other Borg incident.
It had been the first time in quite a while that Kathryn and I had butted heads so painfully bad. It was almost as if we were really reaching to prove the other wrong. One species had done this to us. We were both right and both of us wrong. I had every reason in the world to go against her. She hadn't been subjected to what I had. For God's sake, I'd practically been assimilated by the Borg. But Kathryn. . .she used blackmail. I never thought she'd stoop so low, yet she did. Trust had been compromised, faith was at an all time low.
Had Kathryn looked into the mirror at her reflection, she wouldn't have liked what she saw. And on her shoulder, if one had looked close enough, they would have seen that scorpion, poised and ready to strike her dead in her tracks.
**
Kathryn had taken to a new holo-program. A childhood favorite of hers; Leonardo da Vinci. Since the incident with Kes and the shrine, Kathryn had begun taking up some new pursuits. Art was one. During one session of going over crew evaluations, she had told me that her sister Phoebe had been the artistic one, while Kathryn was more the academic. Not too hard to believe.
She'd taken a few minutes on the holodeck when I was forced to interrupt her. This was a matter that couldn't wait until later. It had to be done now. She met us in engineering where B'Elanna proceeded to explain what had happened. One of our long range probes had stopped transmitting data. B'Elanna had at first thought that it was something else until she'd pieced back the last bit of data it had sent us. No doubt about it, we were heading straight into hell: Borg space.
Kathryn gathered us and made sure were as ready as we would ever be. I'd caught her awhile later, going over every engagement with the Borg. It was humorous to me that she did passible Picard and Amisov. It got her to relax a moment. Only a moment. Then she said the catch phrase I was beginning to pick up on more and more with her; that she was alone.
"You're not alone. When that moment comes, we'll face it together," I told her. I meant it with all my heart. She was never alone. The 'Captain' may have believed she was alone, but I know 'Kathryn' knew she had me with her.
"Three years ago, I didn't even know your name. Now, I can't imagine a day without you," Kathryn told me, yet smiling a sad smile that made me ache as well. That was about the last kind words we had between us for quite a while.
When fifteen Borg cubes passed us, not even bothering us with nothing more then a scan of Voyager, we couldn't figure it out. Not until we found something more powerful then the Borg, which was hard to believe. The Federation had hit them with everything they had and had still sustained heavy casualties. When we discovered what it was, we knew that the one advantage we had, the Northwest Passage was out. I urged Kathryn to get some rest, knowing that she would think much better if she gave her 'up 48 hours straight body' a break. How little did I know that while she rested, she'd come up with a plot that would almost sell her soul to the devil.
I was quiet as she laid out her plan to the senior staff, sans Harry. I hated disagreeing with her in front of everyone, so I waited until she had finished. An alliance with the Borg was suicide. Where was her reason? We had it out, openly and with heated words.
"Your desire to get this crew home is blinding you to other options. I know you, Kathryn. Sometimes--you don't know when to step back." An honest observation. She was being obsessive in her decision. She put it down, in black and white on the table.
"Do you trust me, Chakotay?" she asked me. I could see through it.
"That isn't the issue."
"Oh, but it is. Only yesterday, you were saying we'd face this together. That you'd be at my side."
I couldn't believe how low she'd stooped. She was blackmailing me emotionally. It didn't take a genius to read between the lines. I was never so glad no one else was in that room to see this. 'If you love me, you'll back me in this with no questions asked.' That's what it came down to.
"I still have to tell you what I believe. I'm no good to you if I don't do that."
"I appreciate your insight, but the time for debate is over. I've made my decision." I read her face then and I knew it was true then. 'Love me and back me or. . .' "Now, do I have your support?"
"You're the captain, I'm the first officer. I'll follow your orders. But that doesn't change my belief that we're making a fatal mistake." I didn't back down from her glare, not even when I noticed my words had struck a chord and hurt her deeply. If you play with broken glass, you're guaranteed of getting cut.
"Then I guess I am alone. Dismissed," Kathryn said. I left her in there alone, knowing that nothing I said would change her mind. How was I know that a few minutes later, she'd be taken from Voyager right in front of us and taken to the Borg cube? It wasthen I began to regret all I had said to her. All I wanted was Kathryn back and safe with us.
But the ice had already settled between us. There was no warmth in her words when she contacted us. We'd betrayed each other. I'd left her alone, she'd used my feelings for her against me. Two wrongs didn't equal a right. When it came down to it, there were no winners here, except two alien cultures fighting for supremacy.
When we were attacked and the Borg cube Tuvok and Kathryn was on exploded in a flamed death, my heart shattered. I had been so sure she'd been on that thing. They'd managed to beam over. I arrived at the cargo bay to find half a dozen drones walking around and Tuvok and Kathryn unconscious. Every animosity, every shred of anger came to the surface but didn't break the surface.
The prognosis wasn't good. Kathryn's injuries were extensive. To heal properly, Doc would have to induce a coma. She had wanted to talk to me. I looked at her, not knowing if her eyes were even seeing my concern.
"The doctor-- explained my condition. You are in command."
"I understand."
"They'll push you--they'll threaten you--but they need this alliance. You have to make this work." My suspicions were concerned, when she tried to grab onto my shoulder, having a hell of time. She couldn't see it. Blind to reason, blind to the world. "I want you to make this work. Get this crew home." Her voice cracked and the doctor moved in to do his job.
But I didn't do my job. I broke the alliance, I blew the Borg out of the cargo bay. I was as good as my word on that regard. While I broke Kathryn's orders and did what I thought right, she was gradually getting better. I'd even went to sickbay when it was quietand told her silent form that it wasn't a matter of disobeying the orders of a superior officer, it was my friend I was disobeying as well. I knew she'd never understand and she didn't.
When it came down to it, we had the last battle right there in sickbay. She just about lost it when I told her that the Borg had been lying to us from the beginning. They'd started the war with 8472.
"You never trusted me, you never believed this would work. You were just waiting for an opportunity to circumvent my orders," she said, her words like a verbal thrashing.
"Trust had nothing to do with it. I made a tactical decision." I told her. We had a few more heated words, then we each brought out the heavy artillery.
"There's no other way out of this, Chakotay. It's too late for opinions, too late for discussions. It's time to make the call and I'm making it. We fight the aliens in full co-operation with the Borg." So adamant that she forgot the most important thing, maybe what this whole bloody fight was about. Her. Me. The Borg.
"I was linked to a collective once, remember? I had a neural transceiver imbedded in my spine. I know who we're dealing with. We've got to get rid of that last Borg and take our chances alone." I threw that right back at her. She'd emotionally blackmailed me, two could play the same game. I'd hurt her with Frazier. She'd hurt me with the alliance. Time to lick our wounds and do what we did best. . .work together.
**
Together. Us. We. The words that described Kathryn and I. There was still a load of things to work through. We realized that day that we were stronger together then separately. A unique 'collective', mind you.
Hannah is still quietly playing. Rattle has now made its way into her mouth. If I'm not mistaken, she's starting to teeth. I'll have to check with Kathryn tonight. I hope Hannah never gets caught in a position like the one Kathryn and I put ourselves into. Hopefully, there's enough of me and Kathryn in her to let her see beyond her own face, to see that she isn't hunted based on heritage or her reflection. Maybe her reflection will not look back at her with dead eyes and wonder what if?