I give my other porcelain doll her bottle. She eats steadily, never taking her eyes from my face. Hannah has the look of total serenity on her face--total peace. "Oh, what you've put your mother and I through." I say quietly. The meaning is many and good. She made us come together. She'd even managed to scare the hell out of Kathryn. Such an accomplishment for someone so small.
It seemed like a lifetime ago, but in reality it wasn't very long ago. "My, aren't we a greedy little girl this evening?" I say, observing that half her bottle is gone. She smiles up at me. Hannah didn't have to do much to worm her way into my heart. She did before the end of that day on Emporiak when we found out about her. Before I even knew her, I loved her.
Truth of the matter was, I secretly delighted in Kathryn's pregnancy. It may be a wicked thing to say, but I did. I didn't quite agree with how it was accomplished. Milanndred had given us two possible outs if it were a girl. Either one would work. I had already began working on the riddle in my head, while trying to endear myself to Kathryn in the process.
Kathryn had been petrified, I can honestly say. Pregnancy for a woman can be quite an ordeal, especially if it is planned and hoped for. Here, all she had done was look into colored glass and wham, she's pregnant. Once she knew the circumstances, she was more receptive to the idea. Her own attitude was slowly changing. Very slowly.
Hannah finishes and I set her bottle aside. I sit her on my knee and bounce her up and down, eliciting many giggles from her. What can I say, I turn into a doting dad, making all the funny noises that come with the territory. Kathryn says I spoil her, but I don't think I do. If loving Hannah unconditionally and thoroughly is overindulgent and spoiled, then by all means I will continue. Nothing, but nothing can make me give her up.
The same is said for Kathryn. I will never give her up, either.
**
After we had beamed up from Emporiak, Kathryn invited me to accompany her to sickbay. She'd half formulated a plan to throw off Doc. Kathryn wanted to avoid the DNA scan as long as possible. This part of her pregnancy, she would have control over. She wouldn't reveal before she was ready, the secret within a secret that was nestled deep within her.
Sickbay, thankfully was empty, save for Doc when we arrived. The last person we wanted to know was Paris. Between him and Neelix, keeping a secret on board was almost an impossibility. He came out of his office, giving us a smile. Over the years, he was beginning to understand humanity better then we thought possible. Kes had done a lot in his growth and after she had left us, his teaching Seven the social graces helped him even more. Kathryn had been so impressed that last year she gave him the working rank of Lt. Commander. He was overjoyed when he got his rank pips from her.
"Good morning, Captain, Commander." Kathryn nodded at him and gave him her crooked smile. I smiled slightly. I was getting to play along at this point. "What can I do for you?"
Kathryn looked at him straight in the eye. She never soft peddled anything and laid it out in front of him directly. "I need you to perform a scan on me, Doctor. I think I may be pregnant." She put an emphasis on may.
If a hologram could look surprised, he just delivered the look in a big way, by dropping his tricorder, which he had been toying with before Kathryn had asked her question.
"Hmm, you think you might be pregnant? Well, captain, if you will step over here." For once, he wasn't using that nasal sarcastic voice of his. Kathryn stepped up to him and he ran his tricorder over her. "When do you believe conception took place?"
"Yesterday," Kathryn answered.
"You mean to tell me, you believe you're a day pregnant? I wasn't aware that you carried a medical degree."
"I don't, Doctor. Call it intuition, if you have to call it anything," Kathryn said, exasperated. He looked at the tricorder reading and looked down to Kathryn.
"Apparently, your intuition was correct. According to my readings, you are indeed, pregnant. Congratulations." He then looked over at me, perhaps finally registering I was there as well. I could see him putting two and two together and coming to the correct answer. "And I'm assuming that you, commander, are the father."
For the first time since this ordeal began, I was speechless, unable to put two words together. I promised Kathryn I would take my cues from her. Looking over the doctors shoulder to Kathryn, she slowly nodded her head. She was going along with what I had suggested under the tree.
"Yes," I said, hoping that I didn't answer his question too quickly. The last thing I wanted to do was raise his curiosity. He began going about his business, as if this were an everyday occurrence. "Well, then captain, I expect to see you in here more regularly." Doc entered some data onto his PADD. "Firstly, get plenty of rest. No overly strenuous activities, however I want you to do moderate exercises. Eat, and I emphasize eat regularly and properly. No coffee." I watched Kathryn stiffen at those words. I mentally balanced caffeine deprivation and hormonal imbalance against each other and realized they'd be about the same. My attention went back to the doctor. ". . .and you, commander, I take it you will be keeping an eye on her. Make sure she follows orders. I don't think I need to remind you that I can override your orders regarding your health." This last sentence he directed at Kathryn.
"No, you needn't remind me," Kathryn said quietly. Doc handed her the PADD with the information for her health and set up her next appointment. We left sickbay in silence. She had crossed her arms over her breasts again and looked at the floor as she walked.
"Well, one down six more to go," I said. Kathryn still remained quiet. How I would loved to be inside her head to see exactly what she was thinking. That silence, however, was alarming me. "Kathryn? Come on, talk to me."
"Not here, in my quarters." I understood immediately. She didn't trust herself to tell me where anyone could see her mask slip. Kathryn couldn't afford to look weak. We arrived at her doors in silence and she keyed them open, gesturing for me to step inside first. Once inside the door, Kathryn slid down along it, clasping her arms around her knees. I stepped over and slid down the door beside her.
"I can't do this," she stated plainly.
"Yes, you can."
"No, I'm not ready to be a mother."
"I don't think anyone is ever really ready, Kathryn. It's one of those things that even with all the planning in the world, can get you by surprise."
Kathryn sighed and rested her chin on her knee. I knew she wouldn't do anything, she just needed to get this all out in the open. "I know you're right. I guess I'm just having trouble accepting that in nine months, I'll have a child of my own."
"You'll be fine, Kathryn. There isn't one person on this crew who wouldn't support you. I'm even giving up my free wheeling days as a bachelor, just for you," I said, nudging her with my elbow. It elicited a smile out of her.
"I hope it's a girl, Chakotay." I knew why she didn't say anything about having a son. If Milanndred was correct, a son would be taken.
"Oh, I have a feeling that it will be a girl. She'll look like her mother." I wanted to reassure her. We sat there, backs against the door for hours, discussing how we were going to tell the senior staff, making plans for a wedding that she in her heart didn't want that I did. The longer we sat there, the more I loved her. I only hoped that Milanndred had been correct. That one day, Kathryn would open her eyes and see.
I would be there.
**
"We've gone through everything on my agenda," Kathryn said, standing at the head of the briefing table. Her hands held onto the back of her chair. I watched her intently, worrying about everything she did. "Now, I have something that is going to come as a shock to some of you and expected by the rest." Kathryn took a deep breath. I even had butterflies from what we were doing.
"Commander Chakotay..." she began, but fumbled. Time to send in the rescue party. I took over.
"I've asked the captain to marry me," I finished for her. She sent me a quiet look of thanks. However, my look conveyed the message that the rest of it was up to her.
"You should also know that--Chakotay and I are--are expecting in a little less then nine months." Had it not been for Kathryn, I would have cherished the looks on the faces around us. For starters, I could probably fly a shuttle into Paris' mouth, it had dropped that far. B'Elanna, her eyes went wide. Harry looked around to see everyone else's faces were registering. Tuvok merely raised an eyebrow. Seven did the exact same thing as Tuvok. Neelix, well, nothing can keep Neelix from expressing his thoughts. His smile was huge.
"This will not change how this ship is run. I will still captain it as long I can and Chakotay will take over when I can no longer perform my duty," she added, making her meaning clear. Pregnancy was not going to fully take over her obligations to the ship.
"So, when's the wedding, Captain?" Paris asked.
"The end of the month. We still have planning to do," I answered. Kathryn had decided when it was going to be. She needed to feel some control, especially now. I was going to grant her that control.
"If there is nothing further, then dismissed," Kathryn said. Everyone slowly got up from their seats and began milling out of the briefing room. I noticed Tuvok standing silently, waiting for everyone to leave. Kathryn nodded at me that I, too, should leave. She was going to talk to Tuvok, who we both figured would be our biggest opponent in this.
"I'm telling him the whole truth," Kathryn had told me while we were still in her quarters. "He deserves that." I told her that I agreed with her. Tuvok wasn't my favorite person, but he did have the right to know what was going on with one of his closest friends.
As I left the bridge, I noticed B'Elanna in the turbo lift. She should have been gone by the time I arrived, but from the look on her face, I knew she wanted the same answers that Tuvok elicited from Kathryn. The doors shut and B'Elanna began.
"It's not your baby, is it?"
"And good afternoon, to you too, B'Elanna. May I suggest we take this in my office?" I told her, trying out my best command tone. I wanted no argument.
Arriving in my office, I sat behind my desk while B'Elanna plopped herself into the other chair. She repeated her question. "It's not your baby."
I rubbed my chin and looked up at her. B'Elanna deserved the truth. We'd been through too much together to hide anything from each other. "No, it's not."
"Then who?" she asked.
"You're not going to believe it when I tell you," I said, preparing B'Elanna for the tale I was about to inflict upon her. I was having a hard enough time with it myself. B'Elanna remained quiet while I told her the whole tale.
"You're right, I'm finding this hard to believe. Are you sure that you're both doing the right thing?" Coming from the woman who had married Tom Paris, this was becoming interesting.
"I refuse to let Kathryn lose that child."
"But what if it is a boy. We have no way knowing until it's born what it will be. From what you've told me, you can't stop it, anymore then she can."
"I'm thinking positively, B'Elanna. It's so close, I can almost taste it. She's going to have a girl." I didn't let any doubt into my voice. "Not to mention, I think it would destroy Kathryn if she had a boy and he was taken from her." B'Elanna looked at me in a way I knew all too well. The look of understanding that she only gave a few.
"You love her, don't you? I've always thought there was something there on your part, but this pretty much seals it."
"Yes. B'Elanna, I'd do anything for her, anything."
"I guess coming from you, Chakotay, I could expect nothing less. Once you've become devoted to a cause, you stick with it. I hope Janeway knows what she's getting." I could still see the skepticism etched on her ridged brow. B'Elanna was about the only one who could clearly see through me.
"I'm sure she does. I need you to do a couple of favors for me." I knew if I explained this to her, then had her explain it to Tom, it would go over better. The rest of the senior staff would be told when the time was right.
"Shoot."
"First, I want you to tell Tom exactly what I told you. Make it clear to him that he doesn't tell anyone. Especially Harry or Neelix. Kathryn is telling Tuvok right now exactly what I've told you. I knew you'd want the truth. The second thing is I want you to work on a plan to make our quarters accessible without having to go out into the corridor."
"What, you two aren't sharing a bed?" B'Elanna gave me a smirk.
"Name only, B'Elanna. This marriage is to be in name only." Saying it aloud made it sound sterile to me. I wanted Kathryn to love me as much as I loved her. But I had promised her that our marriage would go no further then the vows. I added my own condition to those plans, which I'll get to later.
"I understand, Chakotay. I only wish that Janeway would realize how damn lucky she truly is." B'Elanna, in her own way, was rooting for me.
"Me too, B'Elanna. Me too."
**
If someone had asked me if I had the chance, would I do it again, my response would be "of course." Kathryn and I mirrored each other in how we dealt with the other members of our staff-our closest friends. Our emphasis was to be truthful on almost every scale. We had told those whom we'd entrust our souls.
We mirrored each other in our action, reactions and thoughts. As I once said, bonds this strong are hard to break. I couldn't break this one. One soul had been split in half somewhere. I had one, Kathryn had the other. Our images mirrored our true selves. Mirrors, mom once told me, don't hide the truth.
Maybe a strong mirror and a healthy dose of reality would make Kathryn see. See before it was too late.