Disclaimer: see previous parts
After that night, I was more at ease with Chakotay. I had no reason to fear him before, it was just that I had no idea how much tension there was between us. He continued to do the things it would take to make our lives easier in the long run. Chakotay had a sixth sense about what was going on around us. I said he was one with nature. He was.
Since my life as a researcher had been taken quite abruptly, I began focusing on what Chakotay had been saying all along. That we needed to make this a home in stead of a box with no character. We were going to be here a long time, the rest of our lives. An eternity.
As for us, we really began to explore our feelings toward one another. For one, Chakotay had a terribly wicked sense of humor. Humor that always caught me off guard. But I gave back as good as I got. We also spiced up our conversations with multitudes of innuendo. Besides us, who else were we going to talk to? The monkey?
One night, I came up with an idea. We had no idea what a winter season would be like so I began designing, making schematics. By the time I had went to bed, I had came up with a plot for a garden near the shelter. Chakotay came over and looked over my shoulder, admiring my handy work. I of course, babbled as if he couldn't possibly understand what I was doing.
"A garden would be perfect. We could can the vegetables and have food for the entire winter. I've already decided to try Talaxian Tomatoes. According to the Neelix put into the database, they grow in practically any condition."
"If that's a success, we might even be able to build a green house, to keep us in fresh vegetables the entire year." Chakotay said.
The next day, Chakotay began outlining the plot. I'd look over it with an overly critical eye and proclaim that his lines were off. He'd give me a tried patient look that almost told me to 'fix it yourself'. However, being the gentlemen that he is, he aligned the plot to my specifications and broke the soil late that afternoon.
I'd retreated inside to scan the database and make notes on vegetables that may work with this soil and environment besides the tomatoes. So much I worked, I lost track of the time and realized how long Chakotay had been out there, working himself. I replicated a cool glass of tea for him and proceeded to take it outside.
The view that assaulted me took me by surprise. He'd peeled off his shirt as his body temperature rose and tossed it aside. I knew he was handsome, but this. It took my breath away. How much his clothing hid. Toned muscles, bronzed skin. Had I not my wits about me, I could have let myself be taken away right there and then. But I wasn't ready, still unsure as to how I felt about him. I walked toward him and cleared my throat to make my approach known.
"Thirsty?" I asked. He turned around. His hair was so damp, it was actually hanging in his face, over his forehead, concealing slightly his tattoo.
"Yes!" He said. Taking the glass I offered him, he downed it without stopping for a breath. Handing me back the glass, he asked: "Could you get me another one?" I nodded and went back in, refilling his glass and taking it back out.
This time, he drank it slow. "Well, how does it look?"
"Looks pretty good. It gives us a lot of room to work." I said. Actually, it's rather hard to get excited over a pile of turned over sod, but he'd been so busy, I figured I'd better say something encouraging. As we sat, I worked on notes. We'd joked the night before about growing Leola root. Chakotay asked me what I doing now.
"Just making some notes from the database. I want to make sure we have a good chance of succeeding with this endeavor."
Chakotay looked at me and smiled. "Keep talking like that and you'll sound like the farmers almanac."
We laughed over it and fell into silence, each contemplating God only knows what. After a bit, he handed me back the glass and went to finish what he'd began. As dusk was settling, he came back in and retrieved some clean clothes and a towel.
"Where are you going?" I said, sticking my head out from behind my partition.
"The river. After today, that water should feel just about right." He gave me this funny little look. "Besides, I kind of feel like a swim."
"Well, enjoy yourself then. Don't drown." The last part becoming our trademark. Water, it was don't drown. Go for a walk, we'd tell each other to avoid falling trees and monkeys. When I went to bed, he always said in the quiet voice of his, "Sleep well, Kathryn." It was at those times that I found myself thinking about he said my name. He made it sound so lyrical.
**
". . .and she looked over the mountains. Lady Columbia pointed with her fingers and turned slowly in a counter-clockwise pattern and the sky was painted with the colors of the sunset."
I turned in Chakotay's arms and smiled up at him. I have always fallen for his stories because whether or not he knows it, Chakotay is a talented story teller. The other night, for example, I had listened at the door as he told Hannah a story. I know she didn't understand a word of what he was saying, but she stared at him through the bars of her crib, enraptured by the sound of his voice. It is one of his talents. That voice of his could soothe a savage beast.
"Well?" I wanted him to finish the story. I loved it so far.
"But the man looked up at the lady and spread his hands wide. 'What about the sunrise?' Columbia looked at him and extended her hand again and turned in a clockwise position. The sun rose, painting the sky the color of sunrise. The man looked over the beauty he was presented with. The hills were draped with the green velvet of grass. The river ran smooth, looking from his vantage point like perfect glass. The sky was a beautiful shade of blue. The clouds were the lightest, whitest perfection."
I sighed. The hands that had been working out my knots stopped and slid down my arms. "That is one of the most beautiful stories I've ever heard." I said quietly, loving the way the legend of the great river was told.
"Ah, but there is more." Chakotay said, entwining my fingers with his.
"Lady Columbia looked again at the man. He slowly stood and turned, taking in the sights below, above and around him. He looked to Columbia. 'You have created perfection where there was once only untamable wilderness. You have colored this land with the beauty of an artists hand.'"
"Columbia looked the man in the eye. 'Just remember this gift. This river will nourish and take care of you as long as respect her. She is silent, peaceful, but as with any other river, she is turbulent and unrestrained below. Never take her life blood for granted.' The man swore he would not. Columbia then took her leave, taking her place as she had left it. She stood at the edge, her arms outstretched and she allowed the fall to take her to the water. The spirits talk of the one named Columbia now with the utmost respect. They tell the tale of how she emerged from waste and destruction and created the life of color."
"Have you ever thought of writing these legends down, Chakotay?" I asked him. These were too beautiful to not be known.
"The point of oral history, Kathryn, is to pass it down from one generation to the next."
I let him fold his arms around me, pulling me closer to him. "I know. It's just that it's always possible for a member of a generation to be lost and with them, the legacy of the story telling gift."
I felt his breath against my head, then the feel of his lips on my hair. "You have a point. Besides, it would add to the story of Voyager and her travels." Taking advantage of the situation, I turned in his arms, pressing myself against him. My lips met his in the gentlest of kisses. Pulling away, I looked into his eyes.
That is one of the most amazing things. Seeing yourself reflected in the eyes of the one you love. I looked at his tattoo, reached a finger up and traced it. "You know, I've always wondered. . ." I never had a chance to finish as he pulled me to him.
It is amazing how in tune, in touch we are. He knew what I was thinking before I even finished saying it.
We made love on the couch, beneath the stars passing by the window.
**
I replicated the seedlings and began planting them. I was anxious to see how this endeavor was going to turn out. Chakotay teased me constantly how I brought in more dirt then I left out in the garden. He kept telling me if I wanted an atrium, he'd build me one.
While I was working on the garden, Chakotay would disappear. I discovered quite by accident that Chakotay had been using these excursions to map the river. For some reason, that river absolutely enthralled him. I asked him if he had named it one night, just as a spur of the moment question. He told me he hadn't but some how, I thought that he had. I had a sneaking suspicion that it had to do with me, but I let him keep it to himself.
We continued like this for sometime, working, learning, playing. Then that morning came. I had gotten up before Chakotay, which in itself wasn't all that unusual. On ship, we were both up long before we required to be on duty. Here, sometimes he was up before me, other times, I was up before him. I could hear his easy breathing as quietly went through the shelter. I took my coffee cup and went outside.
The grass was still damp from the night dew, but it hadn't bothered me before, nor was I going to let it bother me. I raked my fingers through the dirt, breaking up the clumps, making sure that it wasn't dry. I looked at the leaves, hoping this planet didn't have the equivalent to tomato bugs. I patted the ground, internally smiling at my success. I had never enjoyed gardening as a child. But now, it felt different.
I heard the door open and heard Chakotay's foot steps. He came over and sat down beside me on the ground. He ran his hands over the soil, but not picking it up like I had a tendency to do. "How's it going?" He asked.
"If all goes well, we should have vine ripened Talaxian tomatoes in a couple of months. Unless this planet has the equivalent of tomato bugs. Oh, they're awful." I said. I took a drink of coffee, glad that it hadn't cooled off to the point where it was cold.
"I never thought of you as the gardening type." He said. To be honest, neither did I. As I said, I had hated it as a kid.
"I grew up around farmers." I told him. "My parents insisted on us learning some basic gardening skills." God, how I had hated that as a kid.
"I bet you hated it every bit as much as camping." He said, bringing up something I had said the day we picked up the debris of the plasma storm.
"I did. Who wanted to be mucking around in the dirt while I could be studying quantum mechanics?" He laughed then. I don't see what he found so humorous about my statement, but he did. "But now, I find it very satisfying." I finished.
He looked over the plants. "Well, if your tomatoes can spare you a few minutes, I'd like your opinion on something in the house." It's been so long since I was asked an opinion, I literally jumped at the chance, getting up immediately.
My dress had wet spots on it from lying on the ground, but it didn't bother me, nor did the dirt that I was constantly bringing in with me. "Well," I said as he got up and joined me. "You've come to the right person. I've always got an opinion." I dusted my hands, getting as much of the dirt off and left outside as possible.
"Really?" Chakotay said, raising an eyebrow at me. I nudged him with my elbow. I followed him into the shelter. I grabbed a towel to clean the rest of the dirt off my hands as he activated the computer.
"A boat!" I said, looking at the plans on the screen.
"You said you wanted to explore the river. I think I can build this." Chakotay seemed so proud of himself. I had only mentioned exploring the river once to him. As with the bathtub and the headboard, he thought of me and what I needed or wanted.
"We could go on a camping trip." I said, not really thinking. We'd grown so close, that I knew it would only be a matter of time before I took that last step between him and I. When I had mentioned exploring the river, I thought it may be the way for me to finally let go and accept him fully.
"I don't think we'll be able to bring the bathtub." He told me, giving me that smile of his. As we'd been doing, I shot him back a comment with innuendo intended.
"Who'll need a bathtub? I'll have the river to. . ." Something caught my attention, some noise. We both looked up at the same time, perhaps coming to the same decision.
"Tuvok to Captain Janeway." Tuvok's cool voice coming from communicators that had been shelved long ago. He repeated his hail, adding Chakotay's name in case I didn't hear. Chakotay looked at me and went to retrieve the communicator. We'd placed them side by side and he brought them both over.
I hesitated. Did I really want to answer this? Did I want to leave? Did I want to give up the first time I'd been truly happy in a long time? Would going back to Voyager mean giving up the chance of building anything lasting with Chakotay?
"This is Janeway." I said.
"Captain. It is good to hear your voice." I heard medicine and that they'd be in orbit in thirty hours.
Thirty hours and we'd be back on Voyager. I would have to again make Kathryn take a back seat to Captain Janeway. Chakotay would have to become my trusted second again. Protocols would dictate that we could only remain friends. Mark wouldn't be unreachable again.
I looked up at Chakotay as our fates were again changed. He looked down at me. All I could think of was how pierced I felt.
Pierced by thorns that I couldn't escape.
**
We'd been in such a frenzy in our love making that we hadn't even completely taken off our robes. Afterwards, we'd shifted so we could both lie on the couch in somewhat comfort.
I don't know why I kept thinking of New Earth. I had been so close then, more close then I had cared to realize. I look at him now and wonder how I could have resisted. Running a hand over my eyes, I sighed.
"What is it?" Chakotay asked. His voice was heavy, but heavy with exhaustion.
"Why was it, that every time one of us came close to the other, when things would begin to awaken, we'd end up pierced by some invisible thorns and end up trying to put the pieces back together?"
He was quiet a moment. I looked up into his face. His neck, I saw, bore one of my marks. "I don't know. There are bumps in every road taken. Perhaps and hopefully, we've crossed all our bumps."
I snuggled up closer into his arms, entwining my legs with his. " I hope so. But then again, making up can be extremely satisfying."
Chakotay kissed my forehead and squeezed me. "Really? Now I've never had the chance to 'make up' with someone."
"You poor deprived dear." I ran a finger along his cheek. "I'll have to find something for us to argue about so that I can show you the benefits of making up."
He chuckled and then sat up. I followed him. "Just make sure it's something we won't kill each other over."
"Simple. We'll fight over the properties of Leola root." Chakotay stood up and held out his hand to me. I put my hand within his, noting the dry feel, but the softness. He cocked his head slightly. "What's on your mind, Kathryn?"
"I was thinking about that trip down the river we never took on New Earth." He smiled at me. "How it was the first time that I wanted to box Tuvok's ears."
"Me, too." He said. He adjusted my robe on my shoulders and tied the sash for me.
Thirty hours had seemed like to short a time, or as my mother would say, too short a season. Thirty hours wasn't enough time to sort through the emotional baggage that we needed to go through.
**
We packed most of the day, silently. Most of it was completed when Chakotay stopped to make dinner. Dinner was in silence. Chakotay and I both cleaned up the mess and he excused himself to go for a walk. I knew what he was thinking, I knew he was hurting. He'd put so much of himself out on the table that night. What was so unfair, is that now, I couldn't tell him how I felt. It would be for nothing. Even if I did admit I was ready, taking the final step in the time we had left would only cheapen the experience, because I knew once we were back on the ship, it could never happen again.
That knowledge hurt more then anything.
Time passed by and I began to worry about him. I knew he'd do nothing drastic, it's just he felt more deeply about this place then I did. I think Chakotay saw it as a second chance at a home.
I went and walked, taking a wild guess as to where he'd went. Following the river, I found his foot prints. As I rounded a tree, I saw him. He was leaning against one of the larger river rocks, looking up to the hills on the other side, watching the sun set.
He never let on he had heard me approach him. The dwindling sun light did things to him. Made him look much younger and innocent. "Chakotay?" I said, sitting down beside him. I brushed his arms subconsciously with mine.
"I was thinking."
"I know. I've been standing here watching you for fifteen minutes." I looked up to the hills as well, sharing our last sunset together. He told me how he had never appreciated the simple beauty when he was younger. That even when he was older, he never took the time to look at it. His words brought up something I had avoided asking him for sometime.
"Do you blame me?"
"Blame you for what?" He said.
I pointed around us as an example. "This. Destroying the array. Standing us here."
He looked me directly in the eye. "There is no one to blame, Kathryn. You did what you believed was right. From moment I destroyed my ship and beamed to Voyager, I've never blamed you."
I told him how I thought that Starfleet had hardened me. Just flexible enough to know the difference between right and wrong. It made me feel better when he told me that if he had been in my place, he would have done the same thing. He admitted he only did the things he did in the Maquis to honor his family and his people. That he even wished at times he could have taken it back. I never realized until then, just what he carried within him.
I closed my hand over his. He closed his eyes briefly, then opened them. For a brief moment, I think I saw all that made the man. I couldn't admit anything fully, but I would come clean to an extent.
"I'm so sorry, Chakotay. About us. If we only had more time. . .then I would have finally accepted what we'd been dealt." A soft breeze came off the river, blowing strands of hair in my face, tickling my nose.
"Don't ever be sorry, Kathryn. I will wait for you. We've learned if nothing else on this planet, that we can be friends-best friend's. That is the one thing I could never change, nor would I want to change." I couldn't help it; a tear fell from my eye and down my cheek.
"As long as you keep your promise to me, Chakotay, I know I'll be all right. We're more then best friends-more then kindred spirits. I sometimes think that we were meant to be dealt this hand."
He got this questioning look on his face. "Destiny? It could be, Kathryn." He looked back out over the river, pondering, I think, his next words. "We're beyond even kindred spirits. We're soulmates. Whether or not we ever act on that is in the hands of others. We balance each other. Just remember, Kathryn, whatever happens: here, on Voyager, home; I'll always catch you when you stumble. I'll always be there."
I squeezed his hand. Somehow, I knew he would see that promise through. I knew that no matter what, even if I never told him directly how I felt, he'd be there. We walked back to the shelter, hand in hand. We went to bed that night, knowing tomorrow we'd be back in our familiar skins of yesterday.
And that night, I allowed myself to cry.
The next morning, I dressed in my uniform. A piece of clothing that didn't have the same familiarity it had when we'd stored them three months ago. I escaped and went outside. I stared at my garden, wishing that things could have been different. Now, I wouldn't get to see the fruits of my labor. I turned sadly when I heard Chakotay emerge from the shelter, carrying the last few items. He asked if I was ready and I only nodded.
The monkey, appeared as if to see us off. I turned and walked back to stand by Chakotay. For a moment, we looked at each other. What went through his mind, I couldn't tell you. I only knew that I had lost one of the greatest opportunities I had ever been presented. And just like that night months ago when I had seen the unhidden desire in his eyes, my mind flashed on all that would never happen.
The first kiss, the first time we'd make love, the look in his eye as I tell him we'd be adding to our two person world. A lifetime in a split second. I turned from him and tapped my comm badge.
"Janeway to Voyager. Two to beam up." And New Earth shimmered out of existence. Another home abandoned in pursuit of the stars.
**
He led me back to bed. I decided to put on my nightgown. Three times in one night. I hadn't been that energetic since I was youngster. Not that I'm old. Chakotay held the blankets up as I tucked myself in beside him in bed. His knees curled up behind mine, his arm around my waist.
I was content.
Soon, I heard his breathing even out and I knew he was asleep. Earlier I had been thinking about thorns.
If we had remained on New Earth, the one thorn that hurt him more then anything, would never have inflicted that final pain.
The thorn was about to make herself known again. But as sleep claimed me, I decided to think of pleasant things. My husband, my daughter, the baby I wanted. I closed my eyes and fell asleep.