Disclaimer: See previous parts
As we worked, I remembered getting ready for that talent night. Really, it wasn't supposed to be much, just a simple dance to get the captain in tune with her crew. Nothing real big-or so I thought.
I had kept it to myself. Neelix of course, had kept badgering me about what I was going to do for the show. Not wanting anyone to know that their captain knew some talent, I told him that it was supposed to be a surprise.
Looking back, I guess you could say I was being overly secretive about my activities. If Neelix was curious, Chakotay was down right flustered. Here was a man who thought he knew me inside and out. Funny, but even on our time on New Earth, I never mentioned to him that I could dance. He'd mentioned once he'd been considered a 'contrary' in his tribe. I suppose with hind sight being twenty/twenty, I had to admit that me, Kathryn Janeway, knowing ballet would make me contrary as well. What a contradiction I must have been; a protocol thumping, by-the-book, scientific thinking captain. . .and she knew ballet.
I wonder what their response would have been at my choice of music.
It was strange, putting on tights and satin slippers and making my body become one with the music as I practiced. At night, when holodeck use was at a minimum, I would practice and stretch. . .and not once did I leave the door unlocked. This was like my own private retreat. The studio became a room years ago. No longer was I in the Delta Quadrant in the only Starfleet ship. I was home, on Earth.
And I danced.
If one was to ask why I did this, I wasn't sure. I wanted to say it was to put me in touch with my crew, but maybe on some instinctive level, it was more or less for the few or the one. Now I can say that, but back then, I certainly couldn't.
Talent night arrived and I was nervous. I stood, behind the scenes, watching the crew that went on before me. Neelix had told me that such performance by a high ranking officer had the privilege of being scheduled for the last act of the evening. The more I stood there, the more nervous I became. The palms of my hands, I kept rubbing over the robe.
Through a gap, I had a pretty good view of Chakotay. He watched like a trooper, that was until Harry began hitting all the high notes in his clarinet solo. Then I could see him occasionally brush a hand over his forehead, then pinch the bridge of his nose. You don't sit next to a man day after day for three years and not know when he wasn't feeling too great. He did it less during the Doctor's and Megan Delaney's performance, but once Tuvok hit Stanza 12 of his Vulcan poetry, he was squirming. I hoped inside he'd at least wait to leave until I had danced.
I hadn't told Chakotay that I would be performing at Talent Night. I would see him looked toward the entrance every so often to see if I would pop through the doors. I think he was disappointed that I had turned him down when he asked if I wanted to go with him.
Sighing a sigh of relief, I saw Tuvok step down and Neelix again take center stage. I pulled off the robe and took my place behind the curtain. I could hear him crystal clear and I hoped in my nervousness, I wouldn't forget my cue or the steps.
"I couldn't let the evening end on such a somber note," Neelix said, I guess in respect to the poetry we'd just been forced to endure. "So, I'm pleased to present a rendition of a dance popular on Earth, interpreted by our own Captain Janeway. Please give a warm welcome to our captain, doing a dance from Swan Lake."
The lights dimmed and the strains of the movement caressed the room. I looked up as I began my movements and I could see Chakotay. His eyes were open wide and his lips parted in disbelief. I floated across the stage, remembering to make myself feel light and let the momentum of the crescendos and the decrescendos carry me across the stage. No longer was I on display in front of my crew, but in my own little studio. It was my own private little world and with eyes only on first officer, he was the only member of my private audience.
All too soon, the music came to an end and I was draped in darkness once again. There was a moment of deafening silence, then the whole room exploded in applause. I was surprised. I expected polite reception, but nothing like I saw. The crew were on their feet, whistling, some asking for encores. I curtsied and smiled, looking up at Chakotay. He mouthed a, "you did good" to me.
I left, and donned my robe. As I caught my breath, I could hear Neelix on the stage saying how glad he was that everyone had either come to it or participated. As I was leaving, Neelix was closing out the evening, reminding the crew that he was keeping the mess hall open for those who were hungry and that he'd recorded the event for those who had missed it. Slipping out the door, I headed toward my quarters. I was scheduled for an away mission the next day with Chakotay, so I wanted to be rested so I could enjoy the mission.
As soon as I got back to my quarters, I peeled the leotard from my body. Then, I realized how much I had actually missed doing something fun. One hot shower and to bed and once there, I fell into deep dreams.
The last pleasant dreams I would have for a while.
**
I put the lid back on the box and set it on the bed. I wasn't ready to part with it yet. Who knew when I might want to resurrect the dying swan?
"Penny for your thoughts," Chakotay said, leaning against the door frame. His arms were crossed over his chest, that playful smile on his lips.
"I was just thinking about why I decided to do that in first place--dance," I said, looking at the box. "It's not as if I was in ballet long enough to make a good go of it. I would rather of been studying or for that matter, doing something I liked-- like sports."
" I remember how shocked I was at seeing you up there. I thought many things of Kathryn Janeway. . .just never a ballet dancer. Or, should I say, it's one thing to read about someone dancing in their records and another to see it."
I stood and walked over to him. Crossing my arms across me, I looked up at him with my own version of his playful smile. "Oh, really? Now, what would you take me for, if not a ballet dancer?"
An eyebrow rose in an imitation of Tuvok. "Well, I suppose anything but a ballet dancer. I thought if anything, Kathryn Janeway would be a tap dancer."
I started laughing, then put a hand on his shoulder, squeezing slightly. "Oh, you don't know how I begged mother to let me do tap. She thought ballet would give me poise and grace. Tap, she would tell me, was just like playing tennis. No grace or style. So, ballet it was."
"What a shame you didn't do both. As quick as you are, tap would have been a natural for you."
I looked at him, thinking. "Quick?"
Chakotay stumbled over his next words. "I mean, you have so much nervous energy. Tap dancing would have natural for you."
I stood on my tiptoes and kissed him on the cheek. "You know, it would be fun to learn tap dancing."
"You're never too old," Chakotay replied. "Just do it."
I turned and walked away, back into my closet. After a moment, I heard him turn around and go back into the main room.
**
On my way to the shuttle bay the next morning, I was caught by Neelix. I have to admit, he is one to 'soft peddle' things that may be offensive. He asked very nicely, yet nervously, if it were possible the next time we had talent night, (which he said was a success and wanted to keep pursuing to keep up shipboard morale) if it would be possible to keep Mr. Tuvok on the bridge for the next one. I smiled as I told him something could be arranged.
Perhaps I should note, that as a rule, the first officer and captain usually do notgo on away missions together. It's been that way for a great many years. However, our lives were far from ordinary out here in the Delta Quadrant. Besides, Chakotay is not only my first officer, but he's a trained pilot.
Our mission was supposed to be a general scanning mission. There were a couple of planets that we wanted a closer look at. A chance to get away from the ship and more importantly, spend some time with my first officer. It was a rare and special occasion for me, as we had barely had time to do anything that was even remotely fun. Not to mention, I had asked him specifically to join me on this.
As we prepared for pre-launch, I told him about my little talk with Neelix en route. We both had a laugh as we went through preparations.
". . .an I'll bet you told him that the conversation was just between you two?" he said, going through the engine preps. That sly grin he saved for his quiet sense of humor was in full force.
"Of course," I replied. "I don't want Tuvok to think that I don't appreciate him and his Vulcan poetry." We gave each other a quick look and began laughing.
"Well, I'm sure I wasn't the only one who received a headache from it," Chakotay said.
After clearing our plan with Tuvok, we were off. We did some mindless speculating about what we might find on these planets, guessing as to the ingredients of Neelix's latest mess hall concoction. I became, for the first time in a long while, pleasantly relaxed. It was nice to just let myself go and it was becoming clearer to me, day by day, that Chakotay was the only one that I could really do this with. Soon, our discussion turned back to talent night.
"Harry's clarinet solo was pretty good. I could have done without Tuvok's reading of Vulcan poetry, but the highlight of the evening was definitely Kathryn Janeway, portraying the dying swan."
I laughed at that and noticed by the look on his face, that he really meant it. "I first danced that when I was six years old. Let me assure you, it was the hit of the beginning ballet class."
"I don't doubt it. I hope if Neelix has another talent night, you reprise it." Again, I could tell that he meant it. That truly did mean a lot to me.
But I wasn't going to let Chakotay off the hook that easily. After all, if the captain could get up there and dance--in front of her crew, then surely the first officer could do something. "Oh no, not until some other members of the crew have taken a turn. The ships first officer, for example." I admit, I was needling him, like I have always tended to do when it came to Chakotay.
"Me, get up in front of people and perform? I don't think so," he said. I could see the back of his neck and the tops of his ears going from a nice shade of pink, to the beginnings of red.
"Come on, Chakotay," I said, getting a rise from this. "You must have some talent people would like." I pondered briefly what he could do. "I know! I could stand with an apple on my head and you could phaser it off!"
He knew I was joking then. "Sure. I miss, I get to be the captain." We both started laughing, but it was short lived. We were suddenly rocked by an ion storm.. Out of nowhere it came. Deciding that we really didn't want to deal with it, we opted to try the fifth planet, but the storm wasn't exactly bad, but nonetheless, was giving us a sound thrashing.
Within moments, we had blown our attitude control, our directional array. . .you name it and it was going. I knew without a doubt, we'd have to fly the shuttle through the atmosphere and land it the hard way. While I didn't doubt Chakotay's piloting skills, I had no doubt as to how hard this was going to be.
That was the last real thing I remembered for quite some time.
**
The closet is finally done. I sat back on my legs and looked up. Everything was once again tidy and clean. On the bed were a few articles that neither of us had touched in years, so they could be recycled.
I could hear Chakotay, rearranging pictures on the wall. Every once in a while, the silence would be punctuated by some subtle sounding cursing. I went to the door an listened-and was treated to a variety of comments in Klingon, his native tongue and a few I believed to be Cardassian. I shook my head and continued working.
Within moments, I was just staring out the window to the passing stars. I thought to myself just how lucky I was. Perhaps. . .
That was it. Something to break the monotony of working. Mom always used to listen to music when she did cleaning or baking. She said it always made the work seem to go faster.
"Computer, begin play back of Janeway Beta 24." Within moments, the soft Latin beat began playing in my room. I closed my eyes and listened to the words.
"Since when do you like old 20th century songs?"
I smiled as thought of my reply. "Oh, since Tom has been subjecting B'Elanna to them." I felt his arms slide around me and I leaned back into his arms. "Besides, music makes work go faster."
"Then," his lips brushed my neck, "is it when people make love to music, it always seems to go on forever?"
I laughed at that statement. Personally, I had never thought of it, but once he mentioned, I realized that the statement had to be true. "You know, I never have figured it out. Maybe, it's because when people work, they usually don't like the work and music makes it go faster. But when people make love with music in the background, they tend to go slower because they enjoy what they are doing."
"Hmm, you may be right." His nose nuzzled the back of my neck, his hand brushing away my hair. "Shall we test that theory?"
"I thought you'd never ask." I replied.
**
I don't remember much about what happened. For a brief time, I did awaken, or at least thought I'd waken, Chakotay was in a state of complete gratitude for whatever it was that had allowed me to awaken.
Only later was I to discover just what an elaborate dream all of it was. At first, I was tricked into believing I was in a time loop with Chakotay and the shuttle. I died over and over again. From Viidians, from the phage, blowing up. While those were frightening, there were others that were down-right haunting.
For example, the first time I awakened, I thought it was real. I mean, after all, here I was, here was Chakotay. My sternum hurt from his repeated pumping at my chest, my mouth felt bruised from his kiss of life. But his face, I'll never forget as long as I live.
I think it was the first time I saw just how far those feelings actually went. If anything, since New Earth, they'd gotten deeper. His face was the first instance. And maybe it was in my mind that I heard him, ordering, begging me to breathe, to not die on him.
And his hands. . .oh, how they felt. Warmth on my face, the slid down my neck and eventually between my breasts, before taking my hand in his. I could feel myself reach up with my other hand and put it over his. It was the beginning of my first death.
It kept going, over and over, but the next haunting portrayal came upon my death again. Only this time, instead of waking, I was dead. It was a disjointed feeling, watching him trying to breathe life into me, pound at me, begging, crying, yelling at me to live. I was seeing it, or so I thought through my eyes. I tried to comfort Chakotay, but my hand passed through him. It was disturbing, watching a man hold me. Yet what stuck in my mind was the unabashed way he cried. It was unsettling to watch him lay me back down on the ground, his face looking fallen and hearing his voice telling Tuvok that "the captain was dead".
My self went back with my body and Chakotay to the ship where Kes and the doctor worked over me. For a moment there, I did return, but the heartbeat stopped. My eyes would dart between my body and that of Chakotay, who stood mute at the side of the bed watching. Doc kept trying-over and over again, trying to shock life back into my body.
When it appeared that all attempts to revive me were going to fail, Doc told Kes to note the time of death. I looked at Chakotay to gauge his reaction. I never saw anything like it. He looked at me and turned on his heel and left. No words, no nothing.
No matter how hard I tried, I tried to make my presence felt. To Kes, to Tuvok-anyone. Then that's when the alien came. True, I didn't know that it was an alien, but I thought it was my father. Yet so much of what made daddy unique, was missing from this alien. He kept pushing me, trying to get me to go with him when what I wanted was to stay with my ship-my crew. I still needed them.
It seemed the harder he pushed, the less he was like my father-and more like some predator. And when the truth was revealed, I returned to my life and the faces of Tuvok, Doc. . .and Chakotay.
And never was a sight more welcome.
* "Quizas, Quizas, Quizas (Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps)...Sung By Doris Day. Writen by O. Farres & J. Davis