Last night.
Tangled. Woven. Together. The time for kidding myself was over. My patience paid off. Kathryn was in my heart, my soul, mind and body. How often does that happen, that we find the one who makes our existence complete? No arguments or regrets. Just a natural resolution to our relationship.
The breeze continues across Menenika ridge. Warmth within the air. I hug Hannah closer to me, knowing that today is almost over. She looks up at me, her blue eyes wide. I look back into them, knowing that father and daughter have gotten mother to confess her deepest secret.
Kathryn loves me. I still can't believe it.
It was still very new, like the dawn of a new day. Neither of us stepped into this relationship lightly. As we sit there in the silence, I hear the door open to the holodeck. The way Kathryn has been today, I half expect it to be her. I'm surprised when I hear the person clear their throat.
"Commander?" I turn and see Samantha Wildman. She crouches down beside us. "The captain asked me to stop by and pick up Hannah from you."
"Really?" I said. Kathryn hadn't said anything.
"I'm watching her until the captain and Lt. Torres comes off duty. B'Elanna and Tom are actually going to sit her tonight." I was intrigued now. We weren't even going to have Hannah with us tonight.
"Kathryn didn't mention it when she stopped by a while ago," I tell Samantha.
"Commander, until you are a mother, you'll never understand. Sometimes, you just need a few hours to yourself. Apparently, she thought since you've been with her all day, you'd enjoy a few quiet hours together."
"Maybe," I said. Samantha reached over and I handed her Hannah. Hannah smiled at Samantha. She liked everybody.
"She's so adorable. I think she's taken the best of both of you." She smiled at me. "I believe your daughter is going to be a heartbreaker." She smiled and took Hannah with her. I felt a little bit empty. Kathryn hadn't said anything. Tom and B'Elanna were going to be watching her tonight. I wondered if it had anything to do with what Kathryn was urgent to talk to me about.
I stayed a little longer. Kathryn wasn't off duty yet and I wanted to have a few minutes to myself before I stepped back into the world of Voyager.
**
I managed to get Kathryn settled. Hannah had fallen asleep. Kathryn told me as we took Hannah into her room, that she'd hardly eaten at all and that's when she'd decided to take the scan. Together, we tucked her into her crib. She never even stirred. We both stood there, looking into the crib, observing the little girl who'd opened our hearts.
Maybe it was the lighting, maybe it was the illumination of the stars streaking past the view port. Kathryn looked at me. I looked at her. Seven years came crashing down on us.
"What do we do now?" I whispered, partly to avoid waking Hannah, partly to stay within the moment.
"I don't know," Kathryn began. Her eyes searched mine, for what, I don't know. Maybe hesitation or regret. I know there was none on my part. I've never regretted my actions with Kathryn. "But I do know that I've been a fool."
I felt the warmth of her hands through the material of my uniform. As always, I was letting her take the lead in where this would go. Apparently, she'd waited long enough. The warmth moved up my arms, across my shoulders, around my back. Then the all encompassing warmth of another living body pressed against me.
Before I realized what was happening, we were in her bedroom, removing clothing and just relished the touch of each other. As I looked upon her figure for the first time, I let out a low whistle. Kathryn, was by far, the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen. Very light skin. I wouldn't say she was pale, but the term 'bisque ivory' entered my mind.
What sticks out in my mind is how little she is. There isn't much to Kathryn Janeway. I was reminded of comments I'd heard after she'd had Hannah, that many of the females on board didn't know how she did it, looking like she'd never had a baby within just a few days of giving birth. But Kathryn noticed the whistle.
"Chakotay, what is it?" She asked. What a picture we must have made. Both of us standing there as nude as the day we were born, in front of the view port, staring at each other. I think what struck me was how damn thin she was. Bad habits are hard to break, and Kathryn, when she got going on some task, would forget to eat. It showed; painfully so. I was almost afraid to touch her.
"Kathryn, you need to start eating more," I said. Not the most romantic thing to say, I must say. But I couldn't help but be concerned. I could count her ribs.
"I promise I'll start eating more," she said, as she closed the distance between us. I learned very quickly the difference between making love and having sex. You could count the number of lovers I'd had on my hands and Kathryn, I knew wasn't one for casual flings. From all those experiences, none felt like this.
We came together as if it were always meant to be between us. I'd never had the feeling of complete togetherness as we shared together. I found out things about Kathryn I would have never known about her. One, was this extremely sensitive spot behind her left ear. When I found it, I thought that she was going to fly right out through bulkhead. The other, was how damn ticklish she was; especially that little area between her armpits and her breasts.
In all fairness, she found places on me that I never knew were so sensitive. The hollow of my throat for one. What was most ironic, was I when I found the spot behind her ear. Believe it or not, there was one behind my right ear that did the exact same thing. Coincidence?
It was one of the most gentle and timeless couplings. Everything was so damn perfect. We never strayed from watching each other, seeing what the other was feeling. My body finally felt alive, Kathryn felt alive. We arched against each other and as one, we reached the edge together.
As we have been since this journey began.
Kathryn kept telling me 'thank you'. As I said, I didn't know what for, and I wasn't about to ask. It meant too much to me to question anything about how we felt. We'd pulled apart, yet still close to one another, savoring the feel of another human body beside each of us. I noticed, at the same time as Kathryn, that our fingers had become entwined. I must have been unconscious of it and they must have been like that for quite sometime, for our fingers were cramped. As we untangled our fingers, we began giggling.
Kathryn put a small hand on my chest, where it would stay most of the night. She looked up at me with those blue eyes. "I know," was all she said. I looked at her in questioning manner.
"Kathryn?" I asked.
"I know, for real and forever, Chakotay. I know I've never been alone," she said. There was a sad smile on her lips.
"As long as there is life in this body, Kathryn, you will never be alone," I reassured her, hugging her to me. We laid there, talking about insignificant things. After a while, I looked down and saw that Kathryn had dropped off, a smile on her face. It will never stop amazing me what is revealed on her face when she sleeps. Her breath on my skin was encouraging, her hands placed delicately on my chest, her hair tickling my shoulder.
Sleep, silent angel, go to sleep, I thought quietly. The words to a song I have long forgotten the title of.
That's when I began remembering. The things we said while making love, afterwards, our whole adventure for the past seven years.
"Chakotay," she whispered as she shifts in her sleep.
Whispers.
**
"Computer, end program," I say. The familiar gray and yellow grid become the landscape again. I'm not tired anymore as I pick up my bag. It feels weird without having Hannah. I step out of holodeck and make my way down the corridor to the turbo-lift that will take me home.
I enter the turbo lift and run into Seven. "Commander," she says with a stiff nod of her head.
"Seven," I reply cordially. I've always had a rather strained relationship with the former Borg. It's gotten better, but I don't go out of my way to seek her out.
"It was my understanding that you were spending the day with your daughter." Seven was as usual, blunt and to the point.
"I did. Samantha Wildman stopped by earlier and picked her up," I told her.
"I see." I silently doubted she did. I just smiled at her. Kathryn's second reclamation project. How many times had Kathryn come back to our quarters, totally out of sorts of over something that Seven had done?
I took my leave of her when I reached my deck. I exited the turbo-lift and begun doing something I hadn't done in a long time. I began whistling. No tune in particular. Just something different.
Kathryn wasn't back yet when I entered our quarters. I decided to get a head start on her and began making dinner. Neelix used to get upset with me when he found out I cooked a lot of Kathryn's and my dinner. Not until Doc stepped in and told Neelix that Kathryn seemed to put on more weight when I cooked for her, that he finally relented. Kathryn had made a secret deal with him; that she'd eat one of his meals, once a day. Neelix enthusiastically agreed.
I'd finished setting the table and was in changing when Kathryn came in. She looked worse for the wear, as crawling through access tunnels and jefferies tubes have a tendency to do. But she radiated a warm glow. Her smile, for once, was far from the tired one she used to give me. I hope I have something to do with her smile.
"It smells good," Kathryn said.
"It's almost done. Enough time for you to change out of that uniform," I said. Kathryn smiled and headed into the bedroom. As I was putting out diner, she emerged in a coral dress. It looked like the one she got caught in the plasma storm in back on New Earth.
I pulled out her chair for her, then sat beside her. She told me about how she and B'Elanna had been rerouting power and relays all afternoon. I told her about Hannah and my day. We ate in companionable silence, just looking at each other. How interesting it is, to be able to communicate in ways other then verbal.
After we'd taken care of the dinner mess, we went and sat on the couch. Kathryn propped her elbow up on the back of the sofa and put her chin on her fist. I recognized this as Kathryn's 'thinking' pose. She'd told me before I left this morning that she wanted to discuss something with me, something rather important.
"Kathryn?" I questioned as by a way of starting the conversation.
"I don't know how to quite to say this," she started. Kathryn got up and began pacing. She did this only when it was a decision that she'd come to; usually not lightly.
"Well, maybe if you start at the beginning." My heart started thumping. I had a horrible feeling that she was going to tell me that last night had been a mistake, that we were to go back to our previous relationship.
"I've known I love you for a long time. I just wasn't ready to admit it, to you and especially myself. Hannah made me realize that I couldn't avoid it anymore." She continued pacing. I watched her.
"But?" I prodded. She stopped. I could see she knew what I was thinking.
"There is no 'buts' between us, Chakotay. No more. I'm not turning back from us. I realized that last night. I need to feel loved and cared for. There are just something's that being a captain doesn't cover."
I sighed then. Relief. At least I knew that we weren't heading back to square one. I don't think I could take that. Now that I know what I've waited for, I don't think I could go back. Our love was consummated. You can't just stop that, those feelings of perfect love.
"I've been thinking about this for actually, quite sometime. I didn't come to this decision lightly," Kathryn said. I didn't know what she was talking about, but it meant much to her.
"You've decided to make Neelix an officer," I suggested. The air for a moment, became too serious.
"There are actually quite a few changes that are going to be happening on this ship. I've been thinking, but that isn't what we're discussing." Kathryn said. She turned to me. "I've been considering us, our family."
"Kathryn?" I asked. Usually, when Kathryn had something said to say, she didn't hedge it.
"I realize that this is sudden. I mean, after all, we've only just become physically involved. But I've realized that between you, me and Hannah, there was much missing from my life."
"Like what?" I asked.
"Family, love, security. It's only been in the past year that I've realized how much I needed it. Maybe having Hannah forced me to deal with this. If I hadn't had her, I might never have truly seen what I lacked."
Quite an admission from Kathryn. She was really thinking about herself for once.
"Kathryn, out with it. You've never soft peddled anything that's been on your mind," I told her.
She took a deep breath. "I don't know how to say this. Maybe I'm being selfish, I don't know. Last night sealed it."
"What? Just come out with it," I pushed. I saw a flush crawl across her cheeks. What the hell could she be embarrassed about?
"When I saw Doc today about Hannah's boosters, I made a request." She started pacing again, but only for a moment. "I asked him to stop giving me birth control boosters." Well, that was to the point.
"Kathryn?"
"And I asked him to suppress yours as well." What was she thinking about? My curiosity was more then peaked.
"I asked him for a special reason." She took a deep breath, then rubbed her hand against her stomach, her unconscious action that she did when deep in thought. Her blue eyes looked right into mine and I knew before she spoke the words aloud what she was going to say. My guess was right.
"Chakotay, I want another baby." For once, I didn't know what to say.
I looked up at her, surprise I'm sure, in my eyes.
I want another baby.
You know what, so did I.
**The End of "Man of Valor"**