Also coming soon will be Pole's Pleasures.....a list of things that I like, love, and favorites. But first with the irks....
1. Hearing the phone ringing when you've got an armload of packages and fumbling to unlock the front door...and you reach the phone just in time to hear the caller hanging up. 2. People who call you and demand, "Who's this?" 3. The sound of a ringing phone 4. Answering machines 5. EVEN WORSE: cute messages on answering machines 6. "Wrong numbers" who argue with you after being informed they've dialed the wrong number 7. The same "wrong numbers" who call right back. 8. Phone calls at inappropriate times: you're in the shower, on the toilet, having sex, changing a baby, etc. 9. EVEN WORSE: Getting out of the shower, toilet, bed, etc to answer the phone and you get to the phone just in time to hear CLICK! 10. Bill collectors 11. "Junk" phone calls 12. Temp agencies 13. Stopped up plumbing 14. Drain openers that don't 15. Leaky roofs 16. Mold and mildew 17. Locks and keys 18. Losing house/car keys when you're already late leaving for work 19. Being locked out/in. 20. Getting stuck behind slow cars when you're running late...and oncoming traffic prevents you from passing them. 21. Getting stuck at a railroad crossing 22. EVEN WORSE: getting stuck at a railroad crossing and the train STOPS! 23. Having to have insurance 24. Taxes 25. Sweating 26. Hot weather 27. Prickly heat 28. Itching in public where you can't scratch 29. Thinking that no one is looking, scratching anyway, and getting caught 30. EVEN WORSE: Thinking no one is around, farting, and someone comes along before the stench goes away. 31. Power outages, especially at night or in hot weather 32. Chain letters 33. "Please forward" email and URLs 34. "Bright and early" 35. "Rise and shine" 36. Getting up early 37. Alarm clocks 38. Going to the doctor 39. "You May Have Already Won" 40. Preapproved credit card applications sent to people under bankruptcy 41. High interest finance companies 42. Adults who use cutesie versions of words: "tummy" for stomach, "hubby" for husband, etc. Also, cute spellings of words, "luv" for love etc. 43. Error 404 44. Being shut down for an "illegal operation" on your computer. What am I, the cyber mafia?? 45. Html 46. Sloooowww downloading sites 47. Computer mice 48. Real mice 49. Rats 50. Roaches 51. Fleas 52. Mosquito bites 53. Tape that sticks to everything except what you want it to 54. Envelopes sealed by humidity before you can use them 55. Winnie the pooh. (Sugar overload) 56. Barney the Dinosaur (ditto) 57. When you do something right no one remembers. When you do something wrong, no one forgets. 58. Typos 59. Celibacy 60. Monogamy 61. Being single by circumstance 62. Women who "sprinkle" on public toilet seats, then leave it that way 63. Going into an empty multi-stalled public bathroom, you take the stall furthest from the door to allow for the maximum amount of privacy. The next woman who comes in, without fail, goes to the stall right next to yours, though others further away are available. I don't need a "bathroom buddy", thank you very much! 64. Long lines in women's bathrooms, where next door, men zip in and zip out, no waiting 65. Sacred cows 66. "Mommy vans", aka minivans 67. "Daddy vans", aka SUVs 68. EVEN WORSE: Having to park between two of these oversized vehicles 69. That three toned shriek you hear when you reach a number that is "no longer in service". 70. The Ford Explorer commercials where the announcer pronounces it as if it were "Explore". Don't forget the last syllable! 71. Furniture ad announcers who pronounces "suite" (as in living room suite) as if it's spelled "suit". It's pronounced "sweet"; the "e" on the end is to distinguish it from "suit". 72. Men who refer to their wives as "the wife" 73. Writers who use the word "ballooned" to describe a person's weight gain. It's trite and has been done to death. 74. Writers/TV anchors who refer to someone in jail as being "behind bars". Again, it's overdone and not all jails today even have bars. 75. Tommy Hilfiger clothing and accessories 76. Jeff Gordon's stranglehold on NASCAR 77. Losing common household items when you need them the most...you've just stepped out of the shower and can't find a hairbrush in the house. 78. Wholesome, gee-golly-whiz Richie Cunningham types 79. Men who have hairy shoulders and backs who insist on wearing tank tops or going shirtless 80. "Repairman's crack" 81. Cheesy, homemade commercials on local TV 82. Seeing the same obnoxious commercial six times in an hour long TV show. 83. Double-knit polyester aka "bullet proof" polyester 84. Turning on the radio and hearing the last notes of your favorite song 85. Arriving at work and hearing your favorite song begin, but you don't have the time to listen to it. 86. Broken machinery that magically begins working again when a technician comes to fix it. 87. Weight loss scams where the only lasting weight loss is in your wallet. 88. Panty hose 89. High heels 90. The expectation that all women should always wear makeup 91. Laundromats 92. Cutting the grass 93. Having a neighbor who cuts his grass every 12 hours or so. 94. Weeds 95. Long waits in drive-thru lines 96. EVEN WORSE: Getting the wrong order after waiting in a long drive-thru line 97. THE WORST: Your car overheats and boils over waiting in that long line. 98. Bandaids that won't stick where you put them 99. Bandaids that stick too well and you rip off a chunk of skin and hair removing them 100. Hospital gowns 101. The fact that the US is the only major industrialized nation in the world that doesn't guarantee free medical care for everyone. 102. When in the hospital, being woken up by a nurse to take a sleeping pill! 103. Anal retentives 104. "Neat freaks" 105. "Beep boxes"....those boxy little subcompact cars with horns like toy cars. 106. "The Customer is Always Right" 107. People who go into a cash only line and write a check 108. People who go into a 10 items or less line with a fully loaded grocery cart. 109. Getting behind someone in line who needs a "price check" 110. How you always pick the slow line, but if you move to another line, then it becomes the slow line. 111. Pennies 112. Getting a fifty cent piece in change 113. Pricing items at 3.99, 4.99, etc. It's not fooling anyone and it assures that we'll have to keep using pennies 114. The grocery clerk who puts the receipt in your hand, along with your change. I don't want to fumble separating it from my money, nor do I want to put it in my wallet or hold it. 115. Paper grocery bags that rip, sending your groceries rolling down the driveway...in the rain. 116. The custom of women changing their names at marriage 117. The "Mrs John Doe" form of address. 118. Shorts that ride up on the insides of your thighs as you walk 119. The way white clothes attract dirt like a magnet 120. Same goes for white cars 121. The way your nose begins to itch when you can't scratch...while washing dishes,etc 122. You can't get a job without experience and you can't get experience without a job 123. You flying to Philadelphia. Your luggage flying to Boston 124. Flying stand-by 125. Long car rides. 126. EVEN WORSE: Developing diarrhea on a long car ride 127. Insomnia 128. Feeling drowsy when you want to stay awake 129. Buying something full price, then seeing it on sale the next week 130. Finding a lost item after you've gone out and bought another one to replace it. 131. The buttered side of the toast always hits the carpet 132. The harder it is raining, the further you must park from the building 133. People who park diagonally across two parking spaces 134. EVEN WORSE: When those two spaces are the last ones in the parking lot 135. People who drive for miles with their turn signal going 136. People who constantly apply the brakes for no reason 137. People who speed up to cut you off when they see you signalling to change lanes 138. People who give a left turn signal and turn right 139. People who are quick to pull out in front of you, but slow to a crawl once they're in front 140. The slow car is always the one in front 141. People who do not turn decisively, but just slowly drift around the corner. 142. People who must come to a complete stop before making a turn. 143. People whose cars straddle the lane markers 144. People that pass you, only to turn right at the very next corner 145. People in cars that meet coming from opposite directions who stop to carry on a conversation without pulling off the road, oblivious to the traffic backing up behind them 146. People who ride your bumper even though you're already driving 20 mph over the limit. 147. Confused shoppers who block store aisles while they make up their minds 148. Parents who teach their toddlers to use sign language to answer the question, "How old are you?", instead of teaching them to say the number. In other words, you get a three year old who shoves three fingers in your face instead of saying "three". 149. The seemingly deaf parents of children emitting ear-splitting shrieks in public 150. Hand-held portable phones used in moving cars, and the erratic driving resulting from such use. 151. Who you know being more important than what you know 152. Image consultants 153. The valuing of form over function, image over substance in today's society. The thought that Albert Einstein would probably have a hard time getting a job if he were alive now, because he had messy hair and wore ratty sweaters, boggles my mind. 154. Coming upon double doors and one of them is always locked. 155. Car alarms 156. While getting packages out of your car, the car door swings back and swats you on the rump. 157. Overheated work places and other public facilities 158. The price of refreshments at movies...and race tracks 159. Races won under caution 160. Rained out races 161. Most racing wrecks happen during commercials 162. Race commentators jinxing a driver by talking about how great he's doing that day. No sooner said, than CRASH! 163. Referring to sports figures as "heroes" 164. Parents who expect such sports figures to be role models for their children 165. The fact that the worst pro baseball and football players will make more each year than the best teachers and nurses. 166. EVEN WORSE: When such sport figures go on strike to get even more money 167. Dieting 168. How the nutritional value of any given food is usually inversely proportional to how good it tastes. 169. Fat free = taste free 170. Using size six models in plus size catalogs 171. Having to go to the bathroom at the movies during an exciting part of the film 172. Vending machines that take your money, but won't give you anything and won't give your money back either 173. Vending machines that won't accept your money at all 174. When the item you chose in the vending machine gets hung up and doesn't fall to where you can get it out of the machine 175. People that laugh at or ridicule people or things they don't understand, instead of asking questions and learning something 176. Blind conformity 177. People who flush the toilet when you're taking a shower 178. Unknowingly dragging toilet paper stuck to your shoe 179. Men who have a poor bathroom "aim" 180. Commercials for unappetizing products shown at meal times...feminine hygiene products, jock itch, yeast infections,etc 181. Pay cuts 182. Paper cuts 183. Hangnails 184. Copiers that jam 185. Smudged eyeglasses 186. Patting around on the rug looking for a lost contact lens 187. EVEN WORSE: Hearing a "crunch" while looking for the lens 188. Wearing glasses in the rain 189. Glasses that fog up when you go outside from an airconditioned car or building 190. Door to door salespeople 191. Door to door evangelizing 192. Public laundromats that leave your clothes still wet after two hours of drying time 193. Getting deodorant stains on your clothes 194. Going to work and realizing you forgot to use deodorant 195. Writer's block 196. Bending over and splitting your pants in public 197. People who throw used diapers on the ground after changing their baby in public 198. No matter how late at night it is, no matter how far out you are in the country, there's always a car coming to make you wait when you want to turn left 199. When waiting to turn left, there are cars coming from the right side when the left side is clear. When the right side is clear, there will be cars coming from the left side. 200. Squeaky chalk 201. Fingernails scraping a chalkboard 202. Long fingernails clicking on a table top 203. Washing your car causes rain. 204. So does leaving your car windows down 205. If you return to the house, when you suddenly get the feeling you didn't lock the door, you will find that you locked it after all. 206. "Science projects" in the refrigerator....in other words, long forgotten leftovers 207. Cold coffee 208. Taking a big swig out of a can of soda, not realizing that someone just extinguished a cigarette in it. 209. Hiccuping 210. Sneezing 211. Your nose starts running when you have no access to a tissue 212. People....that.....talk......very.....sloooowwwwwlly 213. People who affect a high pitched tone of voice when talking to a child. 214. How eight hours at work passes much more slowly than eight hours at home. 215. The older you get, the faster time passes. 216. Animal haters 217. The fact that OJ did it, we all know it, and he's playing golf right now 218. That anyone thinks the President's sex life is their business 219. Grown women with voices like six year olds 220. "Giving the bride away". What am I? A bag of old clothes? 221. Bra straps that pop 222. Your change purse opening itself and dumping change inside your handbag. 223. No matter what you need in your handbag, it will be at the bottom, buried under all the other contents. 224. Pens that run out of ink when writing down something important 225. People who leave their animals in a hot car on a summer day. Do them a favor...leave them at home!!!! 226. People who leave their children in a hot car on a summer day. 227. Gridlock 228. EVEN WORSE: Gridlock when you're on your way to work 229. THE WORST: Gridlock when you're on the way to the hospital when you're in labor. That happened to me. 230. If they have it in your size, you won't like it. If you like it, they won't have it in your size. If you like it and they have it in your size, it will cost too much. 231. Choosing a two-piece outfit in the store, only to find that the sizes don't match. 232. People who lean on the horn the second the light changes 233. People who remain stopped several seconds after the light changes. What's the matter, don't you like that shade of green? 234. People in a left turn lane who make their turn even after the light has turned red. 235. People who drive with their wrist draped over the steering wheel instead of actually holding the steering wheel. 236. While driving when the sun is coming in on the left, people who pull the visor down in front where it does absolutely no good, instead of pulling the visor to the side. 237. Practices that exist long after the reasons for them no longer do, because "that's the way we've always done it." 238. People who smile to your face, but hold a knife behind their backs 239. Phonies 240. People who expect to always hear, "Fine" as an answer to the question, "How are you?". If you don't want to know, then just say "Hello" instead. 241. Sales calls that begin, "How are you?" As if they CARE? 242. Having the toilet back up when you're about to go somewhere or are expecting guests. 243. EVEN WORSE: The toilet backs up when a guest uses it 244. THE WORST: When you're the guest and you have diarrhea, and the toilet backs up 245. Getting a raincheck on an item, coming back several times, only to realize they'll never have the item 246. "Bait and switch" advertising. 247. An item that ceases to function the day after the warranty expires. 248. People who think that introversion is a "bad attitude". 249. People who start a conversation, "I don't mean this the wrong way, but..." or "I'm telling you for your own good..." Yeah, RIGHT! 250. People who are obsessed with knowing whose fault something is, instead of working to find a solution 251. As a kid in school being the last one left when choosing sides for a team and the resentment of the team that is "stuck" with you. 252. People who ask, "What are you doing here?" when they don't really want to know what you're DOING, but want to know WHY you are there...and they don't like you being there. 253. People, usually a parent, who ask, "Where is your sweater?" (or some other item), when they really mean "Why aren't you wearing your sweater?" 254. Hot dogs, 10 to a pack. Buns, 8 to a pack 255. People who say "Bub Bye". 256. Ed McMahan saying "Amurrican", instead of "American" on his "American Family Publishers" sweepstakes commercials. 257. "Child proof" containers that turn out to be "adult proof". 258. Pull tabs that break off on such things as cat food, tuna fish, etc. 259. Opening a can of soda that has been shaken up 260. Heating up a cup of microwave soup and the container flips itself over in the microwave, spilling its contents. 261. That bananas in the market are usually green as grass or brown and shriveled. 262. People who name their kids so they all have the same initials. 263. Contrived spellings for common names....Krystle for Crystal, etc. I especially hate when someone adds an "e" to a name ending in "y" as in "Bobbye", "Cindye", "Nancye", etc. 264. People who use other people, then throw them away like a used diaper when they're through with them. 265. People who talk down to you. 266. Hard of hearing people who think everyone else is deaf too, and yell everything. 267. EVEN WORSE: Having to talk to such people on the phone and having to hold the phone three feet from your ear. 268. Knowing you forgot something important just before you leave on a long trip...and you remember it once you get to your destination. 269. Doing something simply because "everyone else does it." 270. That sick shade of green that is presently in fashion, aka "bile green", "bug guts green", "booger green". 271. Oldies radio stations that have a repertoire spanning 30 years to choose from, yet they play the same obnoxious oldies over and over again. 272. While "going to the bathroom" outside, using poison ivy leaves as toilet paper 273. Mistaking a urine sample for a glass of ginger ale 274. People who think 7 am is a fine time to cut the grass 275. Pay toilets 276. "Air dry" machines, instead of paper towels in public bathrooms 277. "Delicious" apples. They aren't 278. Your favorite TV show pre-empted by a "Special Report" 279. Men who wouldn't date anything else but a gorgeous woman, even if they look like Jabba the Hut. 280. Store clerks who ignore kids waiting in line to wait on adults who came in later than the kids 281. Schools assuming that kids are guilty unless they can prove they are innocent. Food for thought: You usually get what you expect out of people. 282. Kids that won't leave you alone when you are talking long distance. 283. "Mystery Meat" in the school cafeteria 284. Able-bodied people who park in handicapped spaces. 285. After waiting patiently for someone to back out of a parking space, some moron comes around from the other side and zips into it before you can. 286. Backs always itch where you can't reach to scratch 287. People who wear perfume/cologne that smells like Raid 288. EVEN WORSE: When such perfume makes you sneeze 289. THE WORST: When the Smelly One walks by and you can actually taste the perfume 290. "Natural" childbirth. Ranks right down there with "natural" dentistry for me! 291. When you're working third shift and some bozo calls you at 11 am and asks, "Are you STILL in bed?" I'd always answer, "How about I call you at 3 am and ask you the same thing?" 292. Schools assuming that people live in a 50s sitcom and that Mom is always available to pop right down to the school with no notice for conferences, etc. 293. Can openers that leave a small sliver of the can still uncut no matter how many times it goes around 294. Having to wash your dishes before you put them in the dish washer. 295. People who rinse out a glass, then put it in the sink, instead of putting it in the dish washer. No extra effort involved! 296. People who put empty containers back in the fridge or freezer 297. People who have a drink, then go to get some more and get a new glass for each refill instead of using the same one. 298. People who can't take "no" for an answer. 299. Resume BS. You write, "I coordinated all company communications", when you really mean, "I answered the phone" 300. The fact that you have to play such dishonest games to get a decent job 301. When naming their child, people who give no thought as to how the name will sound with their surname. For example: Dick Hertz, Hugh Jass, Mike Hunt, etc. 302. People who take food off your plate without asking 303. Shoes with six foot long laces that constantly keep untying themselves 304. Yes, things DO get up and walk away by themselves and also disappear into thin air. 305. Animals digging through the trash. 306. Underwear with worn out elastic that keeps slipping down your hips as you walk 307. That "time of the month" 308. EVEN WORSE: Getting your period on your wedding day 309. Meeting someone in a narrow hallway and as you sidestep to avoid them, they move with you. You move again. So do they, blocking every move you make to get around them 310. Supermarkets that require you to buy $10 worth of groceries before you can use their coupons. 311. Spilling food on your clothes while you eat 312. Drunks 313. EVEN WORSE: Loud, obnoxious drunks 314. THE WORST: Loud, obnoxious drunks driving cars. 315. Using an umbrella walking into a store and having to carry that wet, dripping stick as you shop. 316. If you leave your umbrella in the car on a cloudy day, it will rain. If you bring it with you, it won't. 317. Plain, white men's briefs. "Tidy Whities". Not at all sexy. 318. Dress codes 319. Jobs that require a "professional appearance, but don't pay a professional salary to go with it. 320. Beauty pageants, especially for little girls. 321. NASCAR's selective enforcement of the rules. 322. Telephone solicitors who demand that you identify yourself before they will tell you which company they represent and get to the point of their call. 323. There is never a police officer around when you almost get ran off the road by a reckless driver, or drunk driver 324. There ALWAYS is a police officer there with their radar gun operating when you're late and speeding 325. Businesses that are open from 9 to 5, when you work 8 to 6. 326. When you're a cop, you stop a drunk driver and they insist, "I only had two beers, occifer!" Yes, but were they in two 55 gallon drums? 327. Every suspect, even if you found them standing over a corpse holding a smoking gun, will insist, "I din' do nothin'!" 328. Stopping a speeder who indignantly informs you, "My taxes pay your salary." 329. People who tell a lonely single, "Why don't you just go out there and meet someone nice?" Well, duh! We would have never thought of that on our own. 330. The fancier the hairdo, the harder the wind will be blowing when you leave the hair salon. 331. Dogs who drool on you 332. Small dogs that hump your leg 333. Tiny white dogs with brown runny stuff around their eyes. 334. The cat breeders who interbred Persian cats to produce a cat with a pushed-in face. Poor things are so ugly; they look like they got hit by a Mack truck 335. Susan Powter and other "diet nazis" 336. Infomercials 337. "The Nanny". Ms Post Nasal Drip makes me wish I had a hearing aid I could shut off! 338. People who think the word "family" is a synonym for "censorship". 339. Bicycles on the road pedaling WITH the traffic. I know, I know, it's the law, but the bicyclist shouldn't have to trust the cars to look out for them and they invariably misjudge how far out in the road to be. When you bicycle against traffic, you can see what's coming at you and act accordingly. 340. Prostitution (and other victimless crimes) being illegal. One should be able to sell what's theirs. 341. Waitresses/ers having to depend on the tip system to make a living wage. The servers shouldn't be at the mercy of the customers and the customers shouldn't be expected to make up for cheap employers who won't pay a decent salary. 342. Rush Limbaugh 343. People who think day care and flexible job schedules are "women's" issues. Don't men have children? These are family issues. 344. "Earthshaker" car stereos cranked up all the way 345. Perfume samples in magazines. 346. Non-fiction books without indexes 347. Fiction books without a summary of the plot on the back or flyleaf. 348. Buying a paperback book and after reading a few pages, you realized you've already read it. You were fooled into thinking it was a different book because the publisher had put a different cover on it. 349. People who use the expression "illegitimate children". There isn't any such thing! 350. Angry people who smile 351. Getting stuck in an endless labyrinth of phone menus when calling a business. "If you are calling from a touch tone phone, press 1"......etc. 352. When two lanes merge into one and the driver in the lane next to you tries to squeeze you off the road. 353. Pop quizzes 354. People who refer to proposing marriage as "popping the question". Bubblegum pops, not questions. 355. Blaming the victim 356. You go into a fast food joint and ask for an order of fries, and the person behind the counter asks, "Ya want fries with that?" 357. Heartburn 358. Freezer burn 359. Rug burn 360. Burned bridges 361. Having no money when you finally see an item you've been looking to buy for a long time 362. Sneezing, and being unable to suppress a fart that comes out at the same time. 363. Job hunting 364. Calling a number and getting consistent busy signals. Finallly, it rings...and rings....and rings...and rings. No answer, ever. 365. Being put on hold and left in phone limbo indefinitely 366. EVEN WORSE: Being disconnected after being on hold for half the day 367. THE WORST: Calling right back and the number is busy 368. Repair people who say they'll be at your house between 9 am and 5 pm. And you're stuck waiting there all day long. 369. If you go out, even for just five minutes, that's when they'll show up 370. People who promise to return your phone calls and never do 371. Sitting in front of a "chair kicker" at the movies 372. People who bring babies to the movies 373. Parents who allow their children to go out in public barefoot 374. How you always seem to get diarrhea when you're having your period 375. People who drive for miles in your blind spot. Either get in front of me or fall back behind!!! 376. Men who don't lift the lid to pee 377. Men in public bathrooms who use the stall to pee in, when a urinal is available, thus making men wait who have to do "#2" 378. When seeing a couple sharing a motorcycle, the woman is always the one in back 379. People who drop in like a bomb and hang around like a necktie 380. Stepping on gum that someone has spit out 381. Truck stop rest rooms. 382. Sticky movie theater floors 383. When a person's favorite team wins, and they say "WE won". Excuse me, when did you start playing for that team? 384. In a restaurant, you sit in a booth that has double seats: two seats connected together, facing opposite directions. The person sitting on the other side of the double seat from you almost always has ants in their pants and can't sit still for 10 seconds. You end up having to endure a meal being jiggled to death. 385. False teeth and/or caps that look obviously fake: all the teeth are huge and are of the same size 386. "Clingy" children 387. Someone who tries to get your attention by tugging on your sleeve or tapping you on the shoulder multiple times 388. Boys' school sports get the most funding, are scheduled at convenient times for parents to attend, and have cheerleaders. Girls' sports have none of these things, even if they have a better winning record than the boys. 389. The test pattern on TV 390. EVEN WORSE: Tennis on TV 391. THE WORST: Golf on TV 392. "Get rich quick" pyramid schemes 393. Working on straight commission 394. People who think that being a good father is just providing money and leaving everything else to the mother 395. Men who refer to caring for their own children as "babysitting" 396. Pricing gasoline with nine-tenths of a cent in the price. I'd like to give them a penny with a sliver cut out of it as partial payment for a gallon of gas!!!! 397. People who write "alot" for "a lot". It's two words, people 398. Getting home after going through a fast food drive through and discovering you got an incomplete order. 399. Living where there is more than one person, but only one bathroom 400. People who honk their horns in gridlock. As if this will get traffic moving again!!! 401. People who keep rolling up at a red light, instead of remaining stopped until the light turns. Believe me, rolling up won't make it turn green any faster. I've seen some of these bozos roll all the way into the middle of the intersection and the light is STILL red!! 402. Unsolicited parenting advice 403. Getting stuck