Last Updated: January 12th-- Newest quotes on top

Lionel Hutz: "Uh oh...We've drawn Judge Snyder."
Marge: "Is that bad?"
Lionel Hutz: "Well, he's had it in for me ever since I... kinda ran over his dog."
Marge: "You did?"
Lionel Hutz: "Well, replace the word 'kinda' with the word 'repeatedly,' and the word 'dog' with 'son.'"

Homer: "I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'"

Otto: "Ooh, I don't care if it takes me all night: I'm going to get me that lobster harmonica. Come on, lobstey!"

Lionel Hutz: "Mrs. Simpson, you have no need to worry. I saw 'Matlock' in a bar last night. The sound wasn't on, but I got the gist of it."

Leonard Nimoy: "Hello. I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies. And in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer is...No."

Marge: "Have you been drinking?"
Homer: "No! Well, ten beers."

Homer: "The alien has a sweet, heavenly voice... like Urkel! And he appears every Friday night... like Urkel!"
Wiggum: "Well, your story is very compelling, Mr. Jackass, I mean, uh, Simpson. So, I'll just type it up on my invisible typewriter!"

Homer: "If you've been good...pizza, if you've been bad...poison."
Lisa: "What if one of us has been good, and the other bad?"
Bart: "Poison pizza."
Homer: "Oh, no! I'm not making two stops!"

Kent Brockman: "Ladies and gentlemen, er, we've just lost the picture, but, uh, what we've seen speaks for itself. The Corvair spacecraft has been taken over - 'conquered', if you will - by a master race of giant space ants. It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive earth men or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain, there is no stopping them; the ants will soon be here. And I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords. I'd like to remind them that as a trusted TV personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves."

Agent Goodman: "...that's okay, because making a happy home isn't like flipping on a light switch."
Cletus: "Derr, light switch?"

WRL Agent: "We have places your family can hide in peace and security: Cape Fear, Terror Lake, New Horrorfield, Screamville..."
Homer: "Ooh, Ice Creamville!"
WRL Agent: "Er, no, Screamville."
Homer (screams): "Aah!"

Herb Simpson: "Hang up, call me back, and say the exact opposite of everything you just said!"
Lead engineer (on phone): "Uhhh, Homer Simpson is a...brilliant man who has come up with many...well-thought-out, practical ideas, and is insuring the financial future of this company. Oh, and his personal hygiene is beyond reproach."

Homer: "Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Back up a bit now. When are the pancakes coming in the mail?"

'Picture Perfect' seminar host: "Okay. Fair enough. But you sound like you're ready to become your own boss in the exciting world of frame-nudging! Yes, for a minimal franchise fee, you'll receive a pair of straightening gloves, a cannister of wall lubricant and a booklet of the most commonly asked questions you will hear, including: 'Who are you?' and 'What are you doing here?'"

Leopold: "All right, you listen up, you little freaks. The fun stops here: you're going to shut your stinking traps and behave, dammit! This is one substitute you're not going to screw with.....Marge Simpson!"

Jasper (as substitute teacher): "Talking out of turn...that's a paddling. Looking out the window...that's a paddling. Staring at my sandals...that's a paddling. Paddling the school canoe...ooh, you better believe that's a paddling."

Soldier #1: "Hey, they're trying to learn for free!"
Tour Guide: "Get 'em!"
Soldier #2: "Use your phony guns as clubs!"

Moe: "Sorry, Homer, you should have thought of that before you gave me the old sugar-me-do. I'm taking your caricature down from Mount Lushmore and I'm taking your favorite song out of the juke box!"
Homer: (gasps) "'It's Raining Men'?"
Moe: "Yeah, not no more it ain't."

Groundskeeper Willie: "Don't feel bad for losing. I was wrestling wolves when you were back at your mother's teat!"

Ralph: "I bent my wookie."

Homer: "Marge! You being the cop makes you the man, which makes me the woman! And I have no interest in that--besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing."

Homer: "Wait a minute...there's something bothering me about this place. I know! This lesbian bar doesn't have a fire exit. Enjoy your death trap, ladies!"

Ranier Wolfcastle: "The movie is just me in front of a brick wall for an hour and a half. It cost $80 million."
Jay Sherman (disgusted): "How do you sleep at night?"
Ranier Wolfcastle: "On top a pile of money, with many beautiful ladies."
Jay Sherman: "Just asking....sheesh."

Moe (crying): "...and they were no longer little girls, they were little women."

Cayman Islands Guy (on phone): "Heh, I'm sorry, but I cannot divulge information about that customer's secret illegal account." (hangs up) "Oh, crap. I shouldn't have said he was a customer. Oh, crap. I shouldn't have said it was a secret. Oh, crap! I certainly shouldn't have said it was illegal. Ahh, It's too hot today."

Troy McClure (drunk): "That's a good idea, Homer, but they've already made a movie about World War II."

Disco Stu: "Did you know that disco record sales were up 400% for the year ending 1976? If these trends continue.....Eh!"
Homer: "Uh....your fish are dead."
Disco Stu: "Yeah, I know....I can't get them out of there." (wav)

NASA Assistant: "Sir, the TV ratings for the launch are the highest in ten years."
Everyone: "Yay!"
NASA Scientist: "And how's the spacecraft doing?
NASA Assistant: "I dunno. All this equipment is just used to measure TV ratings."

Bee Keeper #1: "Sure is quiet here today."
Bee Keeper #2: "Yes, a little TOO quiet, if you know what I mean."
Bee Keeper #1: "No, I'm afraid I don't."
Bee Keeper #2: "You see, bees usually make a lot of noise, NO NOISE, suggests no bees."
Bee Keeper #1: "Oh, I understand now. Oh look, there goes one."
Bee Keeper #2: "To the bee-mobile!"
Bee Keeper #1: "You mean your Chevy?"
Bee Keeper #2: "Yes."

Farmer: "I keep tellin' ya, I just grow thorgum here."
'Rock Bottom' Reporter: "Uh-huh. And where are the hookers?"
Farmer: "'Round back..... Oops."

Park Ranger: "Hmm. Follow me. We'll take the chair lift. It'll give us an eagle-eye view of the area directly beneath the chair lift."

Smithers: "Each two-man team will work its way through the wilderness to a cabin hidden somewhere on this mountain. The routes are treacherous, so use your maps."
Homer (raises his hand): "Uhh, I lost my map."
Smithers: "You haven't been issued a map, yet."

Park Ranger: "Okay, search party, before we set out, let's take a moment to humor the children. Kids, your father's gonna be just fine! Okay, everybody, put on your corpse-handling gloves, we've got two frozen bodies buried somewhere in this mountain."

Homer: "Okay, okay, don't panic. To find Flanders, I just have to think like Flanders! (thinking) 'I'm a big four-eyed lame-o, and I wear the same stupid sweater every day and --' (out loud) "The Springfield River!"

Agent Goodman: "...and put your garbage in a garbage can, people. I can't stress that enough. Don't just throw it out the window."
Marge: "This is so humiliating."
Homer (taking notes): "'Garbage in garbage can'...hmm, makes sense."

Homer: "Homer no function beer well without." (wav)

Mr. Burns: "This house has quite a long and colorful history. It was built on an ancient Indian burial ground and was the setting of satanic rituals, witch-burnings, and five John Denver Christmas Specials."
Homer (sickened): "Ohhhh, John Denver."

Sideshow Bob: "I was convicted of a crime I didn't even commit. Attempted murder!? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for 'Attempted Chemistry'? Well do they??"

Marge: "Who's 'Disco Stu'?"
Homer: "Oh, I wanted to write 'disco stud' but I ran out of space."

NASA expert: "Gentlemen, you've both worked very hard. And in a way, you're both winners. But in another, more accurate way, Barney's the winner."

Troy McClure: "Hi, I'm Troy McClure! You may remember me from other show business funerals such as 'Andre the Giant: We Hardly Knew Ye', and 'Shemp Howard: Today We Mourn a Stooge'!"

President Clinton (being abducted by aliens while asleep): "What!? Is it noon already?"

Bob Dole (also being abducted by aliens): "Hmm, Bob Dole doesn't need this."

NASA expert: "Maybe we should tell the big secret: that all those chimps we sent into space came back super-intelligent."
Chimp (appears wearing a suit, smoking a pipe, with an english accent): "No, I don't think we'll be telling them that." (roller-skates away, making monkey noises)

Burns: "Nonsense, dog's are idiots! Think about it Smithers, if I came into your house and started slobbering all over your face and sniffing at your crotch, what would you say?"
Smithers: "If you did it, sir?"

Jay Sherman: "Hey nudnick, you're shoe's untied!"
Ranier Wolfcastle: "From here, they appear to be tied, but I will go in for a closer look."
Jay Sherman: "Taxi!" (gets in) "To the airport!" (drives away fast)
Ranier Wolfcastle (much later): "On closer inspection....these are loafers."

Selma: "Remember when we were kids, we used to dream about our ideal husbands? Who knew the dream would come true for one of us. Oh, come on! Guess which one."
Homer: "I know, I know...It's Selma, right?"

Lionel Hutz: "Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fradulant advertising since my suit against 'The Neverending Story.'"

Burns: "Okay, now it's time for your bribe. You can take the washer and dryer set where the lovely Smithers is standing...or, you can trade it all for what's in the box."
Nuclear plant inspector: "The box...the box!!"

Homer: "Look at that! I'm the first non-Brazilian person to travel backwards through time!"
Mr. Peabody: "Correction, Homer: you're the second."
Sherman: "That's right, Mr. Peabody!"
Mr. Peabody: "Quiet, you."

Ned: "If any of ya ever need a favor, just look for the happiest man in Springfield!"
Happiest Man in Springfield: "No, no, not me, friends...he's talking about himself, but thanks for looking!"

Smithers: "Now pair off as I draw your names. Lenny....and Carl."
Carl: "Aw, nuts. Uh...I mean.....aw nuts."

Carl: "Oh no! Homer's going over those falls!"
Lenny: "Oh good! He snagged that tree branch."
Carl: "Oh no! The branch broke off!"
Lenny: "Oh good! He can grab onto them pointy rocks!"
Carl: "Oh no! Them pointy rocks broke his arms and legs."
Lenny: "Oh good! Those helpful beavers are swimming out to save him!"
Carl: "Oh no! They're biting him, and stealing his pants."

Burns: "Oh, one last question. Have you ever seen the sun set at 3 pm?"
Capt. McAllister: "Aye, once when I was sailing 'round the artic!"
Burns: "Shut up, you!"

Homer (killing zombies): "Take that, Washington! Eat lead, Einstein! Show's over Shakespeare!"
Zombie Shakespeare: "Is this the end of Zombie Shakespeare?"

Zombie #1 (with english accent, returning to grave): "Excuse me, but I am John Smith!"
Zombie #2 (packing dirt, pointing to gravestone): "John Smith - 1882?"
Zombie #1: "Woop, my mistake!" (walks away)

Capt. McAllister: "I'll need three ships and fifty stout men. We'll sail 'round the Horn and return with spices and silk, the likes of which ye have never seen."
Burns: "We're building a casino!"
Capt. McAllister: "Arr...can you give me five minutes?"

Marge: "Well, everybody's got a fear of something."
Homer (proudly): "Not everybody!"
Marge (sarcasticly): "Sock puppets!"
Homer: "Where! Where!! Ahhh! AHHH!" (runs upstairs) (wav)

Marge: "Homer? Are planning to hit Ned Flanders with that pipe and taking his tickets?"
Homer: "Ye-...no." (wav)

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