Welcome to Dr. Rathmar and his solutions to YOUR love problems.  As
we ALL know, Rathmar is the "expert" on love.  His many credentials
are.. well.  Yes, enough about credentials, or experience, lets get
to the good stuff.  If you are having a problem with love, or love-
related problems, send us your problem!  Rathmar and his kooky side
kick Mayor McCheese will help everyone make this world a better place
to live.  Follow the questionaire, and the answers will be posted
below.

*FORM IS BROKEN, USE MAIL ICON BELOW UNTIL IT IS FIXED*

 Name: 
Email: 
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Q 1 : Write your Love Problems here.







Ok, until the form is fixed, please use THIS to submit your
love problems!!




Thanks for Contributing -Dr. Rathmar and Staff

RESULTS!


Anonomous writes: (unedited, this is his spelling)  Ok, I REALLY 
liked this Chic at School, I would do almost anything for her, 
well, we got together one night, and she pooped the question of Prom,
(shes a Jnr. Im a Sophmore), so she askes me to prom, I say yes.... 
A week later, she canceled with me saying she dosent like me and 
she dosent want me to get "to emotinionaly attached to her".... 
Well, I thought, Ok, I wont get attached Il get evan. I want to 
rip her guts/heart/both out and cut them up into cat food. What 
are some good ideas on doing that? 

Alright, well, "Anonomous", lets see.  First off, you shouldnt be
going to prom anyway.  Its like, bad, unless you're locked into some
sort of marriage type relationship.  Then lets take the entire 
"ripping stuff out" aspect.  We all know the best, legally ok way
to get back at someone is to kill their pets first.  I mean, there
is nothing like the look on someone's face when they see poor 
Fluffy's head in their bag of apples.  If that doesnt quite phase
them (or if they HAVE no pets) you can always move up to killing
their relatives.  There's nothing like the look of someone's face
when they get grandma's head instead of the basketball.  And, 
besides, whats to say she isnt playing "hard to get"?  i mean, she
says "no, go to hell" and you're already nailing her.  (or at least
i assume as much, unless 'getting together' is some sort of high
school term for "we ate at mcdonalds once").  In which case, you
go to plan C.  Sit home alone and watch edited porn on USA.  You
know its what you'll do anyway, so go for it.  Mayor McCheese says
that you need to be setting your sights lower.  Start cruising the
freshman circuit, the uglier chicks, and work your way up the chick
nailing ladder.  

Thoen writes:  There is a girl at my school.  She flirts with me,
she will hit on me for no reason, tie my shoe laces together, etc.
She acts like she has some interest in me, but she is way too
attractive to have any.. she is a hot redhead, and i am a slightly
overweight loser.  I am wondering, should i just end it all and
drop my pants for her?

Well, Thoen.  Lets begin with a tip i learned from Kelthang:  
Redheads are trouble.  They are like, too much for one man to
handle, and they dont really adhere to any sort of set schedule.
They are really big on tempers, and not one you want to piss
off.  Ok, now on to what you really wanted to hear.  Basically,
man, if you are just gonna 'drop your pants for her' theres a 
few things you're gonna want to check first.  Like, you need to
make sure that your gummi worm isnt a gummi bear, if you catch
my drift.  Next thing, you gotta find out if she's the drop the
pants for type.  Who knows, you might get lucky and stumble onto
a nympho who likes gummi bears.  Oh yeah, you dont have a car,
do you?  Whats the point then of dropping the pants, you gonna
go take her out on your bicycle and nail her behind the dairy
queen?  I mean, come on.  You at least need to get a blue piece
of crap like i have.  Then you can take her out and nail her 
behind Outback.  Mayor McCheese says:  Pull a Dirk Diggler and 
just bust it out.  if she runs off, then "in your mind" think
its because she wants to tell her friends about how big it is.
Just keep thinking that.

Stryker writes: "Dr. Rathmar -I've got a problem. 
I had a girlfriend once in real life, but unless she said "ack" 
"bap" "thwack" etc while we were having sex, I could not sustain
an erection. I was more satisfied when having oral mud sex with 
her from a distance of 2000 miles! I realized that MUD sex was 
the way to go. But ever since I put my picture onto the internet,
I can't keep the MUD chicks away from me! ....It's not so bad 
though, except for the fact the I'm constantly being overwhelmed
by sheer numbers....I'm afraid, Dr. Rat. What if one of them has 
the melissa virus? Help!"

Well, Stryker, lets take it from the top.  First off, maintaining
an erection has little to do with the 'ack' 'bap' etc.  It has to
do with the fact that your "bald avenger" has little or no super
powers.  Maybe its from working out solo a bit too much.  Secondly,
If you're into mud sex, you're getting more mudsex than you can
handle, i dont really see the problem.  You're living the dream
of many who have... less success with the mudladies.  Take Hainter
for one.  Poor guy had a problem with failing to actually get women,
there was always a mr. winky hiding in there.  And lastly, the 
melissa virus?  Like you need to worry about that on your powerful
486 of doom.  It would probably be a blessing.  Besides, if you
have your pick of the mud chicks, why dont you avoid the ones who
have been sleeping with the "Mud Sex Court" and you'll probably
get away scot free.  Mayor McCheese says you're thinking too much.
Just close your eyes and picture the chick from Dawson's Creek.
Not the slutty blonde, the slutty brunette.

Mr. Nobody writes: my problem is critical. i cant get the one's 
i like to like me.  :(   i tryed to get together with different
people like jeril, turk, aleatha, miranda and so on. i dont know 
what im doing wrong, but most of the people just call me gay or
something and then they run away. help me.  :(

Interesting.  You couldnt score with miranda?  I mean, what the
hell?  You are obviously not exactly a piece of prime beef.  Or
any sort of beef, pork, chicken, horse, or meat that people in
countries where they eat people would eat.  You're more of a...
well, 'canned fruit' comes to mind, but i would think that perhaps
a 'wal mart chicken mcnugget' would be better.  who knows what
the hell are really in those 'great value' meals.  but the 'great'
and 'value' dont really make up for the mystery games you have to
play on what the purple meat inside is...  But basically, i think
you need to try sending people pics of Stryker, and say its you.
Or hell, tell people you ARE stryker.  since that studly tank
top picture came out, the women are just throwing themselves at
him.  Mayor McCheese wants to add that you might want to try
Wildchild.  He's rather notorious for nailing things that move.
Or sometimes not moving is even better.

*****************************************************************

Stryper writes: i just need some good ol' fashioned lovin'. how do 
i go about getting this "'good ol' fashioned lovin'"?  by the way, 
i've got a kinda crush on some ainur...can you help?

Well, Stryper here has many problems.  We all know him as that horny
wrestler guy who watches god cartoons.  but not ONLY is he that, he's
now got a crush on an ainur.  my advice:  mudsex+ainur=bad.  dont
do it.  its kind of like... well, its kind of like something you
really dont wanna do, like trying to get political leaders in sex
scandals, only its a communist dictatorship country.  Secondly, to
get this old fashoned lovin', you need to stop hanging around bree
and hitting on anything that moves...  its the old "Chewy move" and
it just doesnt work.  Mayor McCheese thinks you need to stop watching
all the big burly men in spandex and get into mud wrestling.  and
send us tapes.

Mr.IDontWantToSay writes: (ok, to answer your past questions,
my dad isant who you say, and the girl i like mom looks like
a washed up actress.....but anyways....like i said, she just 
moved to my town, and now shes in school.... shes a real
fucken whore! she has a date book with guys in it and the 
time! example.....7pm, mike, 9pm, seth, 10:30, jason
10:40,.....etc..... you get the idea.....what should i do?)

First off, I think this dude has me confused with like, some
other dude.  But to address what i think is the real problem..
you're like, dating this chick who's a real slut.  Ok, no problem.
I guess you dont want to share though... so basically, what you
have to do is spread terrible STD rumors through school.. not
any of the nice kind either, stuff like pubic lice.. no.. you 
need to go with the heavy hitting 'yellow goo' type ones.  after
that, then, you'll be all alone.  Mayor McCheese says to just do
the deed and dont complain.

Koervbroeu writes:  I cant find a girl!  when i get out of my 
apartment on the weekends after mudding all week, people tell me
im pale and look like a zombie.. of course i never see the light
of day and only eat noodles.. but come on, enough alcohol should
get me a girl, right?

Well, it looks like our friend Koervbroeu suffers from what is
commonly known as "mud guy syndrome".  We have all heard of the
mud chick syndrome, well this is somewhat similar... it consists
of pale skin from lack of sunlight, extreme caffeine addictions 
from those late night mud sessions, and the ever present lack of
a non mud chick.  Solutions?  For some, its the good old mud nasty.
Who needs a chick when a "girl?" is willing to type to you her 
sexual nastacities??  But Koervbroeu's popularity isnt quite high
enough to bag himself a nice putting out mud chick.  My advice:
porn.  Lots and lots of porn.  Videos, magazines.. whatever it takes.
Look at Fitz, Azarael set him right up, and his problems with Uinen
were whisked away by Playboy's Voluptuous Vixens.  Alcohol is never
the solution to lifes problems.  Only when it relates to money, and
jobs, and existing relationships.  Mayor McCheese says that Mr. K
should check out his upcoming video release "theres even more pickle
on this burger".  Apparently its some good stuff.  Best of luck to
you, Koervbroeu, and thanks for coming to us first!

**************************************

Anonymous Writes: I really, really, really have the hots for this
cross-dressing elf named fitz, but i cant get him to notice me.
please, dr rathmar, what can i do to snag this hunk-o-burnin-
transexual flesh?

Well, Anonymous faces the problems that we all seem to have.  Fitz
is the desire of everyone's affection, dating back to his stint
under the name of Alanis, Arda's beauty queen.  Its quite well
rumored that Fitz has a thing for dominating brunettes.  Actually,
theres a lot of interesting tales about Fitz's darker life, as one
of the Meglivornth's ex gigolo's.  If you really want to interest
him, dress up as a brunette and beat him up a little.  Then threaten
to break up with him and hold him down for a few years.  Just dont
put out.  If you do that then you'll never get rid of him.  Best
of luck, and let us know how it goes!  Mayor McCheese says that
you should forget Fitz and pick up some beachfront property on 
Chewy lane.  He puts out.

*******************************************************************

Jane Q Public writes:  Dr. Rathmar i have a terrible problem.  i
dont know how to get ahead in life on my own so i spread my legs to
any guy who i think will help me.  i've done elves, dunedains, 
dwarves, even a leper.  And, no matter how many times i spread it,
i still cant make GM of my guild.  ive been forced to resort to
backstabbing ex lovers to get where i am today.  what am i doing
wrong? do i have to screw a valar to get somewhere, or what?

Well, Jane, it seems you lead a very interesting life.  Mayor 
McCheese says he can get you ahead, just come over to his pad.
But, sex is not the answer.  Its the answer to all of life's
problems that alcohol cant solve, but its only the way ahead
if you start at the top.  And yes, that revolves around the gods.
Overlords arent a bad place to start, but if you go straight to
the valar.  Now, which valar to choose?  Well, its not my place to
tell you.  I wouldnt want to give away the surprise.  Of course,
if you cant get any from the gods, you could always resort to 
prostitution.  Hey, buy your guildmasters if you charge per lay.
Im sure that it wont be hard to find customers.  Besides, remember,
Fitz is "connected" so start with him.  Quick ride to the top.  No
pun intended.

********************************************************************

Mr. I dont wanna say writes: 
Dr Rathmar, i met this girl thats a year younger than me, and she
just moved to my town.  And my dad and her mom are really good 
friends, but she has a boyfriend at her old town.  Is there anything
I can do to get her to dump that guy?

Well, Mr., the real question is this.  How close of friends are your
dad and her mom?  Does your dad look like steve gutenburg, and her 
mom like some washed up actress who is known as the chick who used
to be on cheers?  Well, if so, then the real case is how you can
this girl can do wacky schemes to get them to fall in love.  Like
have this dolphin and a dog get together, and then get them to go
and eat at a nice restaurant.  And leave some porno's out 'by 
accident' when they have video night.  Mayor McCheese, on the other
hand, says you should just show her your Mr. Sausage and teach
her a little about what she's been missing.  But thats Mayor
McCheese.

********************************************************************

Gommel writes...
Dear Dr. Rathmar, my problem is not the usual 'i cant get a mud
chick' dilema.  But instead, i act like a gentlemen, and now i
cant get the mud chicks to leave me alone.  I have to almost beat
them off with a stick.  What can I do to solve this, and they keep
my gentlemenlike status?

Well, Gommel, the answer is simple.  You are gay.  Theres no doubt
about it.  If you cant handle the beef, get out of the factory.  Go
get some of the 'other white meat'.  Maybe you pass off your 
insecurities by trying to pass off fitz as a transvestite.  But,
when it boils down to it, your gentlemenliness is exactly what
gay men want.  A taste in fine arts.  A snazzy dresser.  Why dont
you go take Sunem out to the opera, and have yourself a dilly of
a time.  Mayor McCheese says: You suck.

************************************************************

Howey McJowel writes....
I am in love with the fat lady on your naked sandra bullock
page please help me i need her phone number she is sexy.

Hmm.  Well, you are obviously enamoured with "AOL Chick"
syndrome.  Not the nice women on aol who you can have conversations
with, but the "always having sexy names and pictures" ones.  The
ones who find you, not the other way around.  The ones with
the girl scout hidden under her thigh, who brought cookies a
few years back and is now forced into a sort of twisted version
of "Alive".  Minus the snow.  Basically, the cure?  Well, you
know the cure to everything.  But actually, how far off is this
problem?  It means that you can actually find the woman you want,
and not fear rejection.  Im sure she'll be open arms to you.  Quite
sure.  Mayor McCheese says:  Forget the Aol chicks and get yourself
a nice set of binoculars.  Then follow some hot chicks home from
school one day, and find a nice tree.. and well, im sure you can
solve this math problem.  Or.. theres always readily available
hardcore porn in your dad's dresser drawer.

*****************************************************************

Giroth Writes..
Dear Dr. Rathmar..this is kind of about love, but its more of a
complaint.. you know those inflatable women?  they are really
cool and almost a complete substitute for the real thing, but
theres really no where to, well, you know.  I think we could
solve this problem by putting a real something on the inflatable
women, we could just have a big party and show all the evil women
who think they are so hot and cool oh i dont know what im talking
about.  i need a woman, rathmar, help me find a woman.

Well, Giroth.... hmm.  Im not quite sure what approach to take.
Here are the facts:  I saw on Howard Stern how you can have these
inflatable dolls filled with warm water so they are lifelike and
have... well, molds of famouos women's...... "magic space bingo"
put on.  I guess Howard liked it.  Anyways, i guess that could solve
all your... needs.  I mean, on the plus side, it doesnt talk.  It
doesnt want you to buy things.  It doesnt need to be taken out to
meals at the best restauraunts in town that eat your wallet to 
pieces.  On the downside, they dont cook.  But oh well, give a little,
take a little.  Anyways, I think your real options are these: give
up mudding, and meet some people, and in turn when you are near the
goal, return for advice.  Or, find yourself a mud chick, spend 
hundreds on phone bills, and have unsatisfying text sex.  OR, you
can try to juggle the two, and fail.  And lastly.  Well, those
inflatable women arent too expensive.  Never keep that out of your
mind.  Mayor McCheese thinks that you should go with the inflatable
women.  For the simple fact that when you need 'companionship', go
buy some beer and get some friends and watch a football game.  When
you need to share 'intimate' feelings with someone, well, write to
some columnist because it means your gay and dont know it.  And when
you need sex, old Suzy will be waiting under the bed hidden from your
parents.