1. Beware of small children. Especially small angry children with sharp pointy teeth. They'll kick you when your down.

2. There are moments in life when you just have to stop and take a dance break.

3. Never worship Satan. Satan gets all the stupid people as followers. Do you want to be in the Stupid Club? No I don't think so. Do you want to be called Mr/Mrs Stupid head? No, I don't think so.

4. Never trust anyone who smells like crayons. They're probably hiding something.

5. Hot=Ouch

6. If someone bites you for no reason, don't bite them back. It justs complicates the situation.

7. Don't eat your hand. (Do I need to explain why?)

8. Never run with scissors. It's always fun till someone loses an eye.

9. If you cannot find your pants, don't go outside.

10. Singing "100 bottles of beer on the wall" from start to finish can cause mental unbalance and insanity in small children, pregnent women and the human race in general.

11. Anyone named Elizabeth Lynn Porter has a unique fingerprint, deal with it.

12. People who get their pet's hair cut like theirs have serious issues.

13. Kissing a porcupine is just not a good idea.

14. When facing a crisis situation, just ask yourself, "What would Shaft do?"

15. Rabid monkeys make very bad pets.

16. Never stick a bean up your nose, or anyother foreign object, no matter how good it smells.

17. Eating paper is not an efficient way of recycling.

18. Shaving cats is not a productive hobby.

19. When food has hair, that's a bad sign.

20. If anyone ever asks you if you want to buy a dead hamster run away.

21. Never smoke a chipmunk. They don't appericate it.

22. Gophers are cute. Then they bite you.

23. Remember the right right for you is right left not right right for someone else, so tell them that left is right not right is right.

24. Work out stress through interpretive dance.

25. Never trust a talking rabbit.

26. Raindrops on roses, whiskers on kittens: Good. Crack up your noses and smack in your veins: Bad

27. The road to hell is paved with republicans.

28. Somtimes,having connections in the mafia makes life so much easier.

29. Friends help friends. Real friends help move bodies.

30. Time flies when you're sick and pyschotic.

31. Fish tastes fishy. Hence the name.

32. If there were no sports the world would be a better place.

33. Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.