Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but all three engineers cramed into a restroom and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please." The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decided to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" said one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.
When they boarded the train, the three accountants cramed into a restroom and the three engineers cramed into another nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."
A computer programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on an airplane. The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The engineer just wants to sleep, so he politely declines, turns away, and tries to sleep. The programmer persists, saying that it's a real easy game. He explains, "I ask a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5." Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.
The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5; and if I don't know the answer, I pay you $50!" That gets the engineer's attention, so he agrees to play the game.
The programmer asks the first questions. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word, and just hands the programmer $5.
Now it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The programmer looks at him with a puzzled expression, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references, and after about an hour wakes the engineer and hands the engineer $50. The engineer politely takes the $50, turns away, and tries to return to sleep.
The programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well, what's the answer to the question?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the programmer, turns away, and returns to sleep.
An Engineering Student, a Physics Student, and a Mathematics student were each given $150 dollars and were told to use that money to find out exactly how tall a particular hotel was.
All three ran off, extremely keen on how to do this. The Physics student went out, purchased some stopwatches, a number of ball bearings, a calculator, and got some friends. He had them all time the drop of ball bearings from the roof, and he then figured out the height from the time it took for the bearings to accelerate from rest until they impacted with the sidewalk.
The Math student waited until the sun was going down, then she took out her protractor, plumb line, measuring tape,and scratch pad, measured the length of the shadow, found the angle the buildings roof made from the ground, and used trignometry to figure out the height of the building.
These two students bumped into the Engineering student the next day, who was nursing a really bad hangover. When asked what he did to find the height of the building he replied: "Well, I walked up to the bell hop, gave him 10 bucks, asked him how tall the hotel was, and hit the bar inside for happy hour!"
Now there were those three guys, a priest, a doctor and an engineer, and they were playing golf. But the group before them was extremely slow and at each hole they waited hours.
Finally the priest asked around, why was that other group was so slow? He was told that they were very courageous firemen who saved the golf course a couple of years ago from a terrible fire, in which they all lost their sight. As a proof of appreciation they were given the right to play on the course whenever they wanted. They like that a lot, but being blind they are just not too good at hitting the ball, let alone finding it after it's hit.
The priest said, "Oh my this is terrible. Tonight I'll say a little prayer for these courageous souls."
The doctor heard that and said "Don't worry dude. I'll send them to a friend of mine, he's an ophtalmologist and he works wonders."
The engineer said "Wait. Why can't they just play by night ?"
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all mechanical things. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Several years later his company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day he marked a small X in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is!" The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his services. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:
Knowing where to put it ..... $49,999
Q: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer. You're in the wrong place, fella."
So the engineer disappointedly reports to the gates of Hell wondering what he had done to deserve this. Pretty soon, having accepted his fate, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on His telepathic connection and asks, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next. We're having a wonderful time."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there. Send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
The Engineer Anthem
We are, we are, we are, we are the Engineers
We can, we can, we can, we can demolish forty beers.
Drink rum, drink rum, drink rum, drink rum and come along with us,
For we don't give a damn for any damn man/woman who don't give a damn for us.
We are, we are, we are, we are the women engineers
We can, we can, we can, we can drink twice as many beers
Drink rum, drink rum, drink rum, drink rum and come along with us
For we donít give a damn for any damn man who canít get it up for us!
Godiva was a lady who through Coventry did ride
To show to all the villagers her lovely bare white hide;
The most observant villager, an Engineer of course,
Was the only one to notice that Godiva rode a horse.
I've come a long, long way she said, and I will go as far,
With the man who takes me from this horse and leads me to the bar.
The men who took her from her steed and stood her to a beer,
Were a bleary-eyed Surveyor and a drunken Engineer.
A maiden and an Engineer were sitting in a park
The Engineer was busy doing research after dark,
His scientific method was a marvel to observe,
While his right hand write the figures, his left hand traced the curves.
My father was a miner in the northern Malamute,
My mother was a mistress of a house of ill repute,
The last time I saw the both, these words rang in my ears-
Get out of here you s.o.b. and join the Engineers.
The army and the navy boy swent out to have some fun
Down to the local tavern where the fiery liquors run;
But all they found were empties for the Engineers had come
And traded all their instruments for gallon kegs of rum.
Caesar set out for Egypt at the age of fifty-three
He hung about with Cleopatra whose heart was young and free
And every time that Caesar said "goodnight" at three o'clock
There was a roman Engineer waiting just around the block
On reading Kama Sutra, a man learned position nine
For proving masculinity it surely was divine
But then one night the girl rebelled and kicked him on his rear
For he was a feeble artsie and she was an Engineer
Sir Francis Drake and all his ships set out for Calais Bay,
They heard the Spanish rum fleet was heading out that way.
But the Engineers had beat them by a night and half a day
And although as drunk as hooligans, you still could hear them say...
An artsie and an Engineer found a gallon can.
Said the artise, "Match me drink for drink and see if you're a man."
They took three drinks, the artsie fell, his face was turning green;
But the Engineer drank on and said, "It's only gasoline."
Venus is a statue made entirely of stone,
She didn't wear a fig leaf, she was naked as a bone.
On noticing her arms were gone, an Engineer discoursed,
"The darned thing's busted concrete and should've been reinforced!"
My uncle is a lunatic who lives on the dole
My sister was a prostitute but now she's on parole
My brother owns a restaurant with bedrooms in the rear
But none of them will talk to me 'cause I'm an Engineer
Most people think Mulroney was a great big SOB,
Heís remembered as the man who gave us GST.
If he hadnít quit, he would have been thrown out on his ear,
But I would have called him king if he were an Engineer.
Elvis was the undisputed king of rock and roll,
But years of song and women surely took their toll.
Then one night the time was right, he knew the end was near,
He faked his death to join with us, and become an Engineer.
Elvis as we all know is the king of rock and roll,
But all those years of drug abuse, they finally took their toll.
He loved to eat his pork rinds and he loved to drink his beer,
So he faked his death and joined us all, now heís an Engineer.
So now you've heard out story and you know we're Engineers.
We love to love our men/women and we love to drink our beers.
So come and have a sip with us, we'll drink to anyone from far and near
'Coz we're a helluva helluva helluva helluva helluva ENGINEER!!!
There is a glass half full of water.
The mathmetician says: "The glass is half full"
The physicist says: "The glass is half empty"
The Engineer says: "The glass is too big"
There is a half glass of scotch on a table.
The Arts student says that it symbolises unfulfilled emotions.
The Science student starts calculating the exact percentage full.
The Engineering student goes up to the glass, drinks the scotch and asks, "What's the question?"
Top 10 reasons to date an Engineer
1.The world does revolve around them... they choose the coordinate
2.No "couple" enjoy a better "moment"
3.They know how to handle stress and strain in a relationship
4.They have significant figures
5.The motion of rigid bodies
6.Projectile motion: Do we need to say more?
7.Engineers do it to specification
8.According to Newton, if two bodies interact, their forces are equal and opposite
9.They know it's not the length of the vector that counts, but how you apply the force
10.They know the right hand rule
Ten More Reasons to Date an Engineer
2.Large Earning Potential
3.Can handle stress and strain in relationships
4.Know all the dynamics of relative motion
5.Learn about the benefits of friction and viscosity
6.FREE body diagrams
7.Always back up their hard drives
8.Trained to do it right the first time
9.Specialized in experimentation
10.Can go all night with no hint of fatigue
Back in the 60's, a jet manufacturer was trying to build a jet that would go mach 4 (4 times the speed of sound for you non-aeronautical types). Finally after many years of design, the jet was finished. A test pilot took it out for it's maiden flight. Everyone gathered around ... and the plane went to Mach1 ... Mach2 ... Mach3 ... Mach3.5 ... and the wings ripped off, the plan hit the ground and killed the test pilot.
The engineers went back to the design and spent months re-vamping it. They came out with the new and improved second version, but when they tested it, it had the same disastrous results: the plane's wings ripped off and the pilot was killed in the crash. The engineers went through 7 iterations, until finally they were about to give up.
They decided to contact Bob, a retired engineer with the reputation of being able to fix all problems.
Bob comes in, asks to see all the design figures, charts, and drawings, and takes them home to study them. He calls the next day and says he has discovered a solution to the problem: drill holes vertically through the wings at the exact spot where they attach to the body. At first everyone argues - the wings are ripping off now, why drill holes to them? but Bob insists that it will work. So eventually, they give in and do it.
The jet is tested later that day and not only does it reach Mach4, but it goes to Mach5.3 before the test is declared over and successful. All the engineers rush to Bob and congratulate him for his uncanny ability to discover the solution. "How did you know?" asks one of the engineers. "Well, I'll tell you. I was on the toilet, and it occurred to me - toilet paper never tears on the perforations."
An electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer and a civil engineer are travelling on a train together. They are debating which type of engineer designed the human body - the mechanical engineer says "it really must have been a mechanical engineer. Look at the joints and the bone structures." The electrical engineer replies "Rubbish! It has to be an electrical engineer - look at the nervous system". The civil engineer smiles and says "yes, but who other than a civil engineer would put the sewage works through the main area of recreation?"
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below says, "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist. "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below says, "You must be a manager." "I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," says the man below, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault.
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have an AutoCAD monkey please."
The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fitted a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be $5000."
The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"
The Shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can draw in AutoCAD - very fast, clear layouts, no mistakes, well worth the money."
The tourist looked at a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10, 000! What does it do? Oh, that one's a Design monkey; it can design systems, layout projects, mark-up drawings, write specifications, some even calculate. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in its own cage. The price tag around its neck read $50,000.
He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"
The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's an Engineer."
Three engineers got on a crowded lunchtime bus. They somehow worked their way to the middle of the bus where they found three girls willing to exchange their seats for a place on the guys' laps.
After they got settled and had ridden that way for a while, the first girl suddenly asked the gentleman under her whether he might be an electrical engineer.
Surprised, he replied, "Yes, I am! How did you know?" "Easy," she said. "I'm getting shocked by your soldering iron."
Just a few minutes later, the second girl asked her guy, "Are you a mechanical engineer?"
He said, "Why, yes, ma'am. How did you know that?" "Simple," she said, "Your piston is scraping my cylinder."
Shortly thereafter, the third girl turned to her fellow and asked, "Are you a civil engineer?" "I certainly am," he answered. "How could you have known that?"
"Well," she said, "I figured it out as soon as your dam burst and flooded my village."
Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."
Fifth surgeon said, "I like Engineers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."