Schultz:"Col. Hogan, if you ever escape...."
Hogan:"Yeah?"
Schultz:"Be a good fellow, and take me with you."
Schultz:"I see nothing, I hear nothing, and I say NOTHING!!!"
Schultz saluting Hogan:"Jawohl, mein Colonel"
Klink:"Oh, Schultz, you idiot. You don't salute him. He's your prisoner, and see that it stays that way."
Hochstetter:"Who is this man, and WHAT IS HE DOING HERE?"
Schultz:"I know NOTHING"
Schultz:"When it comes to war, I do not like to take sides."
Schultz:"In wartime, you have to be flexible."
Hogan:"Is it possible to resign from a war?"
LeBeau:"Sure. It's called desertion."
Carter:"But nobody approves of it."
Hogan barging in on Klink and Burkhalter:"I'm not interrupting anything, am I?"
Burkhalter:"Of course you are. I've never seen you when you are not interrupting."
Burkhalter trying to get rid of Hogan:"Schultz, Col. Hogan is leaving."
Schulz:"Yeah? Goodbye." (shaking Hogan's hand)
Klink:"Why did you keep calling from a beer hall?"
Schultz:"Because.....there was a phone there?"
Klink:"My mind is a blank, an absolute blank."
Hogan:"Situation normal."
Hochstetter:"My superiors in Berlin feel that there are two dangers to the Third Reich. The Allies and Col. Klink."
Klink:"I have no dear friend."
Hochstetter:"I can believe that."
Klink refering to Hochstetter's threat to make Hogan talks:"It's easy to get him to talk. The problem is he never says anything."
Klink:"Hogan, if there ever is an escape, I hope it's you."
Hogan:"Colonel, I'll never spoil your record."
Burkhalter:"Amazing. You obviously worked hard on these plans, Klink."
Klink:"Thank you General Burkhalter. I have given it many hours of intelligent thoughts."
Burkhalter:"That's what's so amazing."
Hochstetter threatening Klink:"One wrong move and you will be smiling out of the other side of your monocle."
Klink referring to Hochstetter who just left:"I despise that man."
Burkhalter:"So do I, but I rarely mention it. He has a microphone planted in this office."
Klink:"But sir, you just agreed that you despise him too. Where is the microphone?"
Burkhalter:"At the moment you are sitting on it."
Newkirk:"It's optimists like you, Carter, who causes all the trouble in the world."
Hochstetter:"Guard this rocket with your life."
Schultz:"Jawohl, Herr Major.....with my life?"
Hochstetter:"If my head will roll, ALL heads will roll."
Newkirk after Hogan announced one of his bizzare plans:"The colonel's gone over the edge."
Kinchloe:"What is this, a frufru festival?"
LeBeau to Kinch:"Next time you radio London, tell them we need a psychiatrist."
Hogan admonishing Newkirk in a tunnel full of explosive:"The next one who lights a cigarette down here gets a court martial."
LeBeau:"Before or after the explosion?"
Captured Underground Leader:"Didn't you hear, Colonel? The war is over."
Hogan:"Yeah, the five of us ended it. And as soon as Klink and Hochstetter finds out they are going to start it back up again."
Klink:"SCHULTZ, close the gate. The war is back on."
Schultz:"Who won the war?"
Hogan:"It's still up for grabs."
Schultz:"Good. I'm bipartisan myself."
Klink:"You can never be nice to a German."
Hogan:"I have a plan that has no right to work, but let's give it a try anyway."
Newkirk:"A perfect gift for a man who has everything, an ammo dump."
Carter:"Hey, Schultz. Do you know where we can rent a pony?
Schultz:"A pony?"
LeBeau:"Forget it. They've all been drafted."
Klink:"A German officer does not want his men to give him a party. All he wants is respect."
Hogan:"Who knows? Someday you may even get it."
Hochstetter:"KLINK! You are succeeding in doing by yourself what millions of enemy soldiers are unable to do. Bring the Third Reich to its knees."
Hogan:"What's the matter? You guys look like you got a Dear John chain letter."
Carter:"No. The mail didn't come yet."
Hochstetter referring to Klink:"The Gestapo is interested only in security, and this man is a natural hazard."
Klink:"I can assure you of my fullest cooperation."
Hochstetter:"That's what worries me."
Klink:"Hogan! How did you get past the guards?"
Hogan:"Guards at Stalag 13? When did we give up the honesty system?"
Schultz:"Col. Hogan, I know from experience that when you decide to do something which looks good for the Germans, it is bad for the Germans."
Burkhalter to Klink dressed as a sergeant:"Why are you out of uniform? Or has Berlin finally caught up with you?"
Buckles(a captured American movie star):"If I'm going to die, at least let it be in a close up."
Newkirk:"Those bloody Krouts. They think of everything."
Hogan:"Except how to win a war."
Hogan:"I never should have invited Klink to his own party."
Schultz to Klink:"Me, send for you? I never send for anybody. Not even if I need them."
Schultz:"Interrupting a general's nap could cost a promotion."
Klink:"If it costs me a promotion, imagine what it'd cost you."
Hogan:"Last night I dreamt Schultz ate all the dynamites."
LeBeau:"With him that's possible."
Klink:"I can smell the sauerbraten. Take a deep breath."
Major Bonacelli:"Is that an order?"
Marya:"Hogan, and a colonel."
Hogan:"So you found me out."
Marya:"And I suppose the little one is a general?"
LeBeau:"Disguised as a corporal."
Carter:"We're not spies, colonel. We're just POW's."
Hogan:"Blowing up bridges and factories in our spare time."
Newkirk:"That's what keeps out of trouble."
LeBeau:"I don't care to escape. I like it here."
Klink:"Schultz, I wish you'd escape. I wouldn't lift a finger to stop you."
Schultz talking about LeBeau who supposedly had escaped:"Don't hurt him. He makes marvelous streudel."
Hogan trying to convince Klink to reduce LeBeau's sentence:"You're so strong and compassionate and efficient and likable and warm and human and just and fair. You can afford to make a gesture."
Klink:"Why, thank you for the compliments Hogan. One week, and believe me it's not easy for me to reduce a sentence."
Hogan:"Believe me. It's not easy for me to think up those compliments for you."
Carter:"Is there anything special you'd like me to do as a German General?"
Hogan:"Recruit us all into the Wehrmacht."
Newkirk:"We're joining the German Army?"
Hogan:"Just for a short time."
Carter disguised as a General:"If you don't release them to me, you shall be shot now."
Klink:"I think I should prefer to be shot later."
Klink:"SCHULTZ, the prisoners has joined the Wehrmacht!"
Hogan to Newkirk:"I've always liked you in basic black."
Burkhalter:"There are worse things than being married to the sister of General Burkhalter."
Klink muttering after Burkhalter left:"Name one."
Hogan talking about Gertrude Linkmayer:"Beauty's in the eye of the beholder."
Klink:"What's there to behold? She looks like her brother."
Gertrude:"Generals are harmless. Except, of course, to the men who do the fighting."
Hochstetter to Schultz:"Your intelligence reflects your commanding officer."
Schultz:"What...does that mean?"
Klink:"Stupid! That's a compliment."
Burkhalter:"Klink and my sister were practically engaged."
Hochstetter:"Oh. That would be reasonable motivation for suicide."
Klink on Gertrude Linkmayer's safety:"How can a disaster happen to a disaster."
Hogan:"Me, cause trouble?"
Kinch talking to London on the radio:"On your next drop we'll need some automatic weapons, explosive and radio.....What?.....Put it on Col. Hogan's bill."
Hogan:"It's getting to be an expensive war."
Hogan:"It's not gonna be easy. The guests are gonna be watched like a hawk."
Kinch:"You're worried about getting past the Gestapo, Colonel?"
Hogan:"No, the father of the bride. He's the one paying for the wedding."
Burkhalter:"A Burkhalter marry a Klink?"
Newkirk:"What makes you think you can design a bridal gown?"
LeBeau:"I'm French. It's in our blood."
Newkirk:"Don't you have a little thing for me?"
Underground Contact:"You are Papa Bear?"
Newkirk:"No, but I'll pass it along to him. I'll put it in his porridge."
Klink:"Did you hear that, Schultz? The boys think I'm a hero."
Schultz:"The joke is on them."
Hogan:"Sometimes it's best to laugh at the face of disaster."
Klink:"I see what you mean. And some time, when you are facing it, I will laugh my head off."
Kinchloe:"Corporal LeBeau is giving us a weightlifting exhibition, Colonel."
Carter:"You might be interested in this. I understand you lift weights."
Klink:"No, I just lie under them."
Kinchloe:"Colonel, we're all gonna be out of camp. What happens if Schultz or Klink decides to do a surprise bed check tonight?"
Hogan:"Impossible. I locked the barrack's door. I know there's a war on, but we're entitled to some privacy."
LeBeau:"If I cook, then why should I be on KP?"
Newkirk:"You're closest to the kitchen."
Carter after Hogan ordered him to tail Schultz:"Why me?"
Hogan:"You look more like a German than the rest of us."
Carter indignantly:"Well that's a fine thing for an officer to say about an enlisted man. That really is."
Schultz:"I'm loyal to the Fuhrer, I'm loyal to anyone."
Hogan:"He came to me for advice."
Klink:"Schultz, why didn't you come to your commanding officer? You know my door is always open to my men."
Schultz:"I wanted good advice......Herr Kommandant, I mean you are so busy with the war."
Klink:"You will not fall in love with anybody until this war is over. That's an order, understood?"
Schultz:"Of course."
Hogan:"Don't worry, Schultz. You won't have long to wait. We'll have you Germans whipped in no time."
Schultz:"I certainly hope you're right."
Klink:"SCHULTZ!!!"
Schultz:"Enemy? Me, an enemy? I'm just as loyal a German soldier as any prisoner in this room."
Burkhalter:"Klink, my policy has always been complete cooperation with the Gestapo. Providing I see that their requests are reasonable."
Klink:"I agree with you, sir. I agree."
Burkhalter:"Fortunately I have found all their requests quite reasonable. No matter how unreasonable they were."
Klink:"I don't have to take any chances. I'm an officer."
Klink after Hogan caused Gertrude to spurn him:"Hogan, it's at a moment like this when I'm sorry that you and I are not on the same side."
Hogan:"Thank you, colonel. Believe me, great many more moments I'm glad that you are."
Burkhalter:"Klink, what am I going to do with you?"
Hogan:"If I may have a suggestion, sir. The next time you guys have a war, make him stay out of it."
Burkhalter:"Klink. Stop agreeing with me. You are undermining my confidence."
Newkirk:"You don't think I'm gonna let the Frenchman here make the tea, do you? He hasn't got a clue."
Schultz:"Don't they drink tea in France?"
LeBeau haughtily:"We don't drink anything we don't stomp on."
Burkhalter referring to Klink and Schultz:"If I sent you two clowns to the Russian front, I would be shot for treason."
Schultz:"I shall be alert and intelligent."
Klink grumbling:"Schultz, when I want a miracle I'll ask for it."
Sub Commander:"You know, Hogan, if you weren't one of their prisoners, I think you'd be one of ours."
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Well, what does it matter anyway? :b