Written By Steve Viksten
Storyboard Direction by Aldin Baroza
Animation Direction by Frank Weiss
Storyboard Artists: Kelly James, Ted Seko
Transcribed by "LenArnold"
Reformatted by Varakorn Ungvichian
It is after school. Rhonda is playing the marriage predictor game with Peapod Kid.
Rhonda: 3-2-1-4. Oh, Peapod Kid, this is MARVELOUS! Youíre going to marry Nadine!
Peapod Kid: Nadine? The one who is unnaturally obsessed with bugs, frogs and other creepy, crawly wildlife creatures? Well, I must say, this is terribly, terribly... encouraging. Thank you, Ms. Lloyd. (They shake hands)
Rhonda: Donít mention it. (Peapod Kid leaves) OK, whoís next? How about YOU, Arnold?
Arnold: Oh, uh... no thanks.
Rhonda: Oh, Arnold, PLEASE! You CANíT tell me you arenít the least bit curious about who youíre going to wind up marrying when you grow up.
Arnold: Iíll just wait and see.
Rhonda: It could be LILA...
Gerald: Whaddya say, loverboy? You wanna take the test?
Arnold: Gerald, itís just a dumb, made-up game. It doesnít mean anything.
Gerald: How do YOU know? What if youíre WRONG, and it actually HAS magical power, to predict the girl that someday youíre gonna marry? The girl youíre gonna pledge your heart to, andíll love, cherish, honor, and obey... and live a happily ever after with...
Gerald: It could happen.
Rhonda: Come on, Arnold. What are you afraid of? Not the TRUTH, is it? The truth about who youíre going to MARRY?
Arnold: OK... Iíll take the test. But it doesnít really MEAN anything.
Rhonda: All right, Arnold. Pick your favorite number.
Rhonda: 1-2-3-4-5. Now pick your favorite color.
Rhonda: B-l-u-e. And now, for the final question... what day of the month were you born on?
Arnold: The 7th.
Rhonda: 1-2-3-4-5-6-7. And now, for the result... (gasp) oh, my gosh...
Rhonda: Oh... my gosh...
Arnold: What? WHAT?
Rhonda: Youíre going to marry... Helga.
Helga (behind the left side ledge of the steps of the school): Me? Oh...
Arnold: Thatís IMPOSSIBLE! Thereís NO way I could EVER marry Helga! You must have made a mistake.
Rhonda: There is NO mistake, Arnold. My test is ABSOLUTELY FOOLPROOF! Youíre going to marry Helga G. Pataki, period. (Gerald laughs)
Arnold: I wanna do it again.
Rhonda: OK. Pick your favorite number.
Rhonda: You said five... or four...
Arnold: Threeís my OTHER favorite number.
Rhonda: Suit yourself. 1-2-3-4. Helga Pataki.
Arnold: Oh, come on! That canít be right! One more time.
Rhonda: Arnold, PLEASE...
Arnold: Just one more time...
Rhonda: All right, but Iím telling you, itís just going to say that youíre marrying Helga. 1-2-3-4.
Arnold: One more time.
Rhonda: Helga Pataki.
Arnold: One more time.
Rhonda: NO, Arnold! Youíve done the test 110 TIMES, and it always comes out the same! You and Helga are going to get married when you grow up. (Gerald snores)
Arnold: Thereís gotta be SOME mistake! Come on, one more time. Just one more time!
Rhonda: NO, youíre marrying Helga Pataki! Thatís FINAL! LIVE WITH IT!
Arnold: But, Rhonda!
Rhonda leaves in one direction, and Arnold and Gerald leave in another direction.
Helga: Oh... Arnold and I are going to be married! Itís true! He did the test 110 times, and... despite the fact that the result revolted him... it always came out the same! Me and Arnold... MARRIED! Oh, itís FATE! This is... wonderful...
Arnold and Gerald head toward Arnoldís house.
Arnold: This is HORRIBLE.
Gerald: Maybe itís true. Maybe youíll grow up, fall in love and live a happily ever after...
Gerald: OK, Iím just SAYING, I mean, who knows?
Arnold (kicking a pop can): I know. I am DEFINITELY NOT marrying Helga G. Pataki, DEFINITELY!
Gerald: OK! I believe you!
Arnold: No matter what some DUMB origami marriage predictor says.
Gerald: RELAX! I mean, you said it yourself; itís just some dumb, made-up olí game! DOESNíT mean ANYTHING!
Arnold (looking up at a window and sees two wedding cake figures of he and Helga): Right! I am NOT going to marry Helga!
Later, that night, Helga is in her closet, has a wedding gown on, and is hugging her Arnold shrine.
Helga: Iím going to marry Arnold! Itís like a dream!
Arnold (In his room, in his bed, ready to sleep): Itís like a nightmare!
Helga (In her closet, ready to go to bed): The one boy Iíve always hoped I would marry!
Arnold (Pulling the blankets over his head): One girl I NEVER WANNA marry! EVER! (groans)
Helga (In her bed, kissing her Arnold locket): Oh, Arnold! Arnold! (kiss)
Arnold (dreaming): Iím NOT going to marry Helga... Iím NOT going to marry Helga...
Arnoldís dream starts. Eugene is playing on the church organ. Arnoldís grandma sniffles. Arnold is standing between Gerald, the best man, and the minister.
Arnold: Gerald, whatís going on? What am I doing here?
Gerald: What do you mean, Ďwhat are you doing hereí? Youíre getting MARRIED, remember?
Arnold: MARRIED? To who?
Gerald: Who else? The girl you fell in love with, and proposed to?
The door opens and the bride walks down the aisle.
Arnold: Wait a minute... I canít get married! Iím only 9!
Gerald: What are you talking about? Youíre 25! Man, you got the wedding jitters, BAD!
Arnold: 25? But, I...
Gerald: Shhshh... act sharp. Here comes your bride!
Helga (lifting her veil): No such luck, football head!
Arnold: NO! This canít be happening!
Minister: Do you, Helga, take Arnold to be your lawfully wedded husband, to love, honor and cherish till death do you part?
Helga: You got it, padre! I mean, I do.
Minister: And do you, Arnold, take Helga to be your lawfully wedded wife, to love, honor, and cherish till death do you part?
Arnold: No, no, I DONíT! This is all a big mistake!
Rhonda: Oh, thereís no mistake! Youíre marrying HELGA, just like it turned out in my foolproof origami marriage predictor!
Helga: Now, get on with it! Say ĎI doí!
Arnold: But, I donít!
Helga: You do!
Arnold: I donít!
Helga: You do!
Arnold: I donít!
Helga: You donít?
Arnold: I do!
Helga: Ha... gotcha.
Minister: I now pronounce you, man and wife.
Helga throws a bouquet of flowers, and grabs Arnoldís hand and slips a ring on his finger.
Arnold: No... wait a minute, she tricked me!
Minister: You may now kiss the bride...
Arnold: NO! NO!
Helga kisses him. Arnold wakes up from his nightmare, screaming.
Arnold: No, this CANíT be happening! ME, married to HELGA?
In Helgaís room. She is dreaming.
Helga (dreaming): I do, I do, I do...
Helgaís dream starts.
Helga: I do, I do!
Arnold: And I do too, forever and ever and ever...
Minister: I now pronounce you, man and wife.
Arnold and Helga kiss passionately. Outside, crowds of people cheer for them as the head off into their ĎJust Marriedí car. They leave. The next scene shows them on a river, in a boat in Paris. They are on their honeymoon.
Helga: Oh, Arnold, isnít life wonderful?
Arnold: It is NOW.
Helga: You donít still think about HER, do you?
Arnold: HER? Iím sure I donít know who you mean.
Helga: You know, HER.
Arnold: Oh... you mean LILA?
Helga: I know how crazy you were about her, and I just...
Arnold (takes her by the hand): Donít be ridiculous, darling. I love you, and ONLY you. Lila is nothing but a faint and frankly annoying memory to me. She couldnít be further from my thoughts... and you, nearer.
Helga: Oh, Arnold...
They lean forward and are ready to kiss, when Lila rows her boat towards their boat.
Arnold: What are YOU doing here?
Lila: Oh, Arnold, Iím oh so sorry! I know youíre on your honeymoon, but I just canít deny my feelings anymore! I know that youíve loved me once, and Iíve realized that I love you too, just ever so much!
Arnold: Lila, PLEASE! You know Iím married to Helga, the one true love in my life. I liked you liked you once, but thatís over. Now, I just LIKE you, understand? I LIKE you!
Lila: Oh, but Arnold...
Helga: You heard him, sister!
The French guy in Arnold and Helgaís boat rows their boat away. Lilaís boat breaks in half, and she is sinking.
Lila: Whoa! Whoa! Iíll win you back, Arnold. Iíll win you back, somehow... wait. I just remembered, I canít swim... (gurgle)
Sheenaís Uncle Earl pulls Lila out of the water with his fishing rod.
Uncle Earl: Arrr!
Helga (from her sleep): Heheheh, heheh...
The next scene shows Arnold and Helga sitting at a table on top of a balcony. Helga is reading a newspaper.
Helga: Inflation skyrockets, unemployment soars, baby born with winning lottery ticket? (Pounds her fist on the table) THATíS IT! Iíve decided Iím running for President!
Arnold (taking both of her hands): Wonderful! Iíll support you all the way!
Helga: I KNEW you would...
Arnold: Oh, my darling, Iíll love you forever...
Arnold: All the days and nights until the end of time! I love the way you laugh, the way you cry! Youíre the most beautiful girl Iíve EVER known!
Helga: Oh, go on...
Arnold: All right, Iíll stop.
Helga: No! I mean, go on, go on!
Arnold: Your eyes are like two diamonds, shining brightly amidst a sky of pale blue heaven...
Helga: Ohhh! Go on, my love. Go on, go on...
Helgaís dream stops there and Arnoldís dream continues...
Arnold (in his sleep): No... no... no...
In Arnoldís dream, Helga is carrying him out of the church.
Arnold: What are you DOING? Put me down, Helga! Iím NOT marrying you!
Helga: What are YOU complaining about? IíM the one doing all the work here!
She drops him.
Later, in Helgaís house, Arnold, Helga and her family sit down for dinner.
Big Bob: So, you live here, and starting tomorrow, Arnoldís gonna work with me down at the Beeper Emporium.
Arnold: But... I donít really wanna be a beeper salesman...
Big Bob (pounding his fist on the table and getting up quickly): SALESMAN? Whoa, whoa, whoa, WHOA, Mister Fancy-Pants! Who says you get to be a SALESMAN right off the bat?
Arnold: Well, I just thought that...
Big Bob: You start on the loading dock, just like I did, unloading heavy boxes from 7 to 5.
Arnold: But, Mr. Pataki, I never really planned on the future at the Beeper Emporium...
Big Bob: Yeah, well, I guess you REALLY lucked out when you married our Olga...
Helga: Itís HELGA, dad...
Big Bob: You know, if you wore the nametag I got you, you wouldnít keep having this problem.
Miriam: So, Helga, what are you gonna do with yourself all day?
Helga: Uh, I thought Iíd lay around the house, watch TV, read comic books and eat a lot of junk food.
Miriam: Uhuh... that... that sounds good... that sounds good... (Her face falls into the stuffing bowl)
Big Bob: Yep, good plan.
Arnold: How come I have to work and she doesnít?
Helga: ĎCause I donít FEEL like it, and Iíve got more IMPORTANT stuff to do.
Arnold: Like WHAT?
Helga: None of your BEESWAX, football head! (She leaves)
Big Bob: Yeah! Why should she have to work, if YOU are? Come on, kid, use your noggin! Youíre never gonna get off the loading dock with THAT attitude! More stuffing, Miriam... (Miriam is snoring in the stuffing)
Arnold is trying to push a heavy box out of a truck at the loading dock. 3 Union workers watch him.
Arnold (exerting energy): You know, I could use a LITTLE help here...
Union Worker (eating a banana): Oh, yeah, sure, but uh, that would be against, uh, Union rules, right, guys?
Arnold: So, youíre telling me, that I have to unload all these boxes by MYSELF?
Union Worker: Mmhmm.
Arnold: Well, uh, what do YOU guys do?
Union Worker: Ah, well, we supervise YOU.
Arnold: All 3 of you?
Union Worker: Thatís right... now get back to work... (throws a banana peel near Arnoldís feet)
Arnold and Big Bob are walking home.
Big Bob: Another day, another dollar... (slaps Arnoldís back)... what are you limping for?
Arnold: I slipped on a banana peel...
Big Bob: You shouldnít be eating bananas, when youíre SUPPOSED to be toting boxes!
Arnold: But I... never mind. (They are in front of the house. Big Bob sees a stork flying away.)
Big Bob: Hey, look! Thereís a stork flying off our roof! You know what that means.
Arnold: What? What does it mean?
They walk inside. Arnold hears 3 babies crying.
Arnold: But... how could this happen?
Helga: Stork brought them.
Arnold: But, weíve only been married for two days!
Helga: Well, I guess thatís all it TAKES, football head! By the way, theyíve been crying and whining about something ever since they got here... (Picks a baby up) Plus, they smell like a bus station men's room. (Puts the baby down) Anyway, good luck with them.
Arnold: Where are YOU going?
Helga: To the MOVIES! You canít expect me to hang around HERE! That whiningís driving me bananas!
Arnold: But... but, what am I supposed to... HELGA? (She leaves, slamming the door behind her)
Baby: Feed me! Burp me! Change me, my diapeyís full! Come on, move it, football head! (Another baby burps)
Babies (chanting): Football head! Football head! Football head! Football head...
Arnold (from his sleep): No...
Helga (from her sleep): Yes... yes...
Helga's dream continues. A newspaper says that Helga Pataki is President of the United States. The next scene shows Helga, Arnold and a huge crowd of people in front of the White House. Helga is taking the Oath.
Pres. Helga: I, Helga G. Pataki, do faithfully swear to uphold the duties of the Office of President of the United States! Thank you, thank you! And now, as your new President, I'd like to introduce the First Man, Arnold Pataki. As you know, behind every great woman is a great man!
F. M. Arnold: Thank you, I...
Pres. Helga (nudges him and whispering): Get behind!
SEE THE IRONY? Pres. Helga does two `victory' signs, and the crowd cheers. She sees Lila in the crowd.
Lila: Arnold, Arnold!
Pres. Helga whispers to her secret service guys, and they run and grab Lila.
Lila: OW! NO! Arnold!
Helga (from her sleep): Heheheh...
The next scene is in where Pres. Helga is in the Oval Office, talking on the phone with the Secretary of the Interior.
Pres. Helga: Look, I KNOW youíre the Secretary of the Interior, but Iím the PRESIDENT, and I say I want my face carved up there on Mount Rushmore next to those other big-shots! You know, Lincoln, Washington, and whatís their names!
Sec. of State Phoebe: Madam President, you have an urgent call from Chile, the Milk Board is here for your 10 oíclock, and the Swiss Ambassador wants to know what you think of his ĎCheese Planí.
Pres. Helga: Hold the chili, cancel the milk, and tell the Swiss Ambassador that his cheese planís full of holes. Oh, and that reminds me... get me a pastrami on rye, extra mustard.
Sec. of State Phoebe: Holding, canceling, telling and... getting! Oh, and the First Man is here to see you.
Pres. Helga: Send him in...
Secretary of State Phoebe leaves and First Man Arnold enters.
Pres. Helga: Darling...
F. M. Arnold: Angel... howís my favorite President?
Pres. Helga: Iím fine... now...
They hug each other and Eskimo kiss. Later that evening, President Helga is talking on the phone with the Swiss Ambassador.
Pres. Helga: Look, Jax, Iíll take your cheese plan and run it through the grater!
Sec. of State Phoebe: Madam President, I have terrible, terrible news!
Pres. Helga: Is it my pastrami on rye?
Sec. of State Phoebe: No, itís WORSE! (Pres. Helga gasps) The First Man... has been KIDNAPPED! Now, Iíve alerted the CIA, the FBI and the State Department. Our Intelligence reports indicate that Arnold is being held captive by an unknown terrorist in a castle in northern Italy. The Joint Chiefs of Staff are already formulating a plan to go in and rescue him!
Pres. Helga: NO! If the First Manís in trouble, then itís gonna take the First Woman to save him! Fire up the Air Force One!
Sec. of State Phoebe: Firing! (On her phone) I want Air Force One fueled and ready for international departure, ASAP. I donít care, just DO IT, DO IT, DO IT!
Soon, Air Force One departs to Italy. President Helga and Secretary of State Phoebe are inside. Secretary of State Phoebe tells Pres. Helga the plan.
Sec. of State Phoebe: The First Man is somewhere in this highly fortified castle, heavily guarded.
Pres. Helga: Check.
Sec. of State Phoebe: Youíll have to parachute in, undercover of night, then make your way up the castle wall without being detected.
Pres. Helga: Check.
Flight Attendant: Peanuts, peanuts!
Pres. Helga: Over here, honey, and give me a spare. You never know when I might need it.
The flight attendant gives President Helga 2 packages of peanuts, and then Pres. Helga opens the door and jumps out. She eats a package of peanuts, opens up the parachute, and then goes down until she reaches a balcony, kicking a castle guard, who screams. She shoots the hook gun up to the top of another wall, and she climbs up, using the rope from the hook gun. Then, up there, she opens a door, goes in, looks at the ĎArnold Detectorí (looks like her old Arnold locket), which tells her which room Arnold is in. Once she has located where Arnold is, she uses a drill to open up a locked door (I think thatís what she does), then through there, she walks on the ceiling using suction cup shoes. She is in the hallway that leads to the room Arnold is tied up in, but Helga has to get through all of the hi-tech security stuff to get to the door. Once she gets through, she opens the door.
Pres. Helga: ARNOLD! F. M. Arnold (muffled): HELGA!
3 ninjas appear out of nowhere. They are ready to attack her, but she rips open that other peanut package she was saving, and spills them out onto the floor, and the ninjas trip over them and bonk heads. Helga runs over to Arnold and takes off the duct tape from his mouth.
F. M. Arnold: I knew youíd come... They are ready to kiss, when the unknown terrorist comes through the door.
Pres. Helga: Itís YOU! The unknown international terrorist who kidnapped the First Man and threatened world peace! President Helga and the terrorist start fighting. Then, while Helga has a firm grip on the terroristís mask, she pulls it off, and itís no one else but...
Pres. Helga: LILA?
F. M. Arnold: LILA?
Lila: Thatís right! Itís me, Lila!
Pres. Helga: Youíre the terrorist?
F. M. Arnold: But, WHY? Why did you kidnap me?
Lila: I told you I loved you, but you shunned me! I tried to forget about you, just ever so hard, but I couldnít! And when I realized that I was never gonna be able to win your love, I suppose I... (She pulls a skull off of a skeleton and then drops it)... well, I went over to the dark side, and I... I kidnapped you in a desperate and ill-conceived attempt to steal your heart, and Iím sorry, Iím just ever so sorry! (She cries at Arnoldís feet)
F. M. Arnold: Well, Lila, your evil scheme has backfired!
Lila: It has?
F. M. Arnold: You bet it has! Itís only made the love between Helga and me stronger!
Pres. Helga: Oh...
Pres. Helga unties Arnold from the chair. All of the soldier guys rush up the stairs and up into the room. Arnold and Helga see Gerald, who smiles at them. Pres. Helgaís secret service guys come too.
Pres. Helga (points at Lila): Lock her up!
The secret service guys drag Lila away.
Lila (crying): Arnold! No, Arnold! No...
President Helga and First Man Arnold hug each other lovingly. Later, they are sailing off toward the silver sun (the moon) in a hot air balloon shaped like a heart. They are hugging each other.
F. M. Arnold: Thank you for saving me.
Pres. Helga: Oh, it was no big deal. Pastrami?
They eat the pastrami sandwich together, and then kiss like there was no tomorrow. Helgaís dream ends.
Helga (in her sleep): Oh, Arnold! Oh, pastrami!
Arnoldís dream continues.
Arnold (from his sleep): No... no...
In his dream, he gets home from work, and sees the babies trashing the place, and sees Helga lazing on the couch in front of the TV.
Helga: Nice of you to show up.
Arnold: I was at my JOB, on the loading dock.
Helga (snaps her finger): Paycheck!
Baby (throwing something at Arnold): Stupid football head!
Arnold (grabs the remote and shuts off the TV): Thatís IT! I canít take this anymore!
Helga: Hey! Whaddya think youíre doing?
Arnold: Iím taking charge of this nightmare! If I have to be married to you, then things are gonna change. First of all, Iím not working at the beeper store anymore. Second, weíre moving outta this madhouse, and finally, YOUíRE gonna start sharing some of the responsibilities...
Helga (taking a sip of her pop): Yak, yak, yak!
Arnold (grabbing her by the shoulders): WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? Look, I know youíre not this lazy and cold and uncaring! You may act like that, but, deep down, I know youíre smart and you have feelings, and if we HAVE to be married to each other, then I want you to start showing it!
Helga: I... I donít know what youíre talking about...
Arnold: Yes, you DO, Helga! Why canít you just admit it? Youíre not this mean!
Helga: Yes, I am!
Arnold: No, youíre NOT! Youíre NOT! (He lets go of her)
Helga: OK, OK, youíre right! I canít hide it anymore. Youíve seen through my tough, blustery exterior and into my soft, mushy, good-hearted center. Itís TRUE Iím NOT this bad. I guess I was just afraid to show my real feelings, but you knew it all along, didnít you? I may be rough around the edges, but, deep down, Iím a good person, and... I donít hate you. In fact, I sorta like you... I mean, I actually, I sort of, MORE than like you, I... I REALLY like you... I REALLY REALLY like you, and well, heck, I... I like you so much, that, you might say that I actually... LOVE... that I actually... LOVE...
Arnoldís dream ends as his alarm clock goes off. He wakes up, as it is morning. Later, in the bus, heading for school...
Gerald: Man! Talk about a nightmare!
Arnold: Tell me about it. She tricked me into marrying her... it was horrible.
Gerald: Heheh, Iíll bet.
Arnold: But the funny thing is, in a weird way, the nightmare kinda turned out to be OK.
Gerald: Youíre KIDDING, right?
Arnold: No, seriously! I mean, I know itís crazy, but... in the end of the dream, she actually turned out to be kinda nice...
Gerald: NICE? Arnold, you catch that Chinese flu? Weíre talking about HELGA, right? Helga G. Pataki?
Gerald: So, what are you SAYING? That maybe itís TRUE? That Rhondaís right and youíre going to marry Helga, and sheís actually gonna be nice to you, and youíre gonna be happy?
Arnold: No... I mean... it was just a dream...
Gerald: Well, THATíS a relief...
Arnold: After all, Iím only 9. Iíve got plenty of time to think about who Iím gonna marry, but, I guess even if I wound up marrying Helga, it wouldnít be so bad.
The bus stops and Rhonda gets on.
Rhonda: Everyone? I have an announcement. Last night, much to my dismay, I discovered a flaw in my origami marriage predictor, and well, the fact is, all the results are null and void. Sheena, you are NOT going to marry Eugene...
Sheena: Oh, no! Are you SURE? (Eugene sighs in relief)
Rhonda: Iím sorry. And Peapod Kid, you are DEFINITELY NOT going to marry Nadine...
Peapod Kid: Oh, this is terribly, terribly distressing!
Rhonda: And Arnold... I am SO, SO sorry, because you were so right! You are ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY NOT going to marry Helga! I apologize for any pain and torment I may have put you through.
Arnold: Itís OK, Rhonda...
Helga (thinking to herself, while looking at her Arnold locket): What if it was all just a crazy dream? What if I NEVER get the guts to tell Arnold how I REALLY feel about him... and what if we NEVER get married? Oh...
Rhonda (sits next to Phoebe): Iím SO glad I realized the mistake I made. I should have caught it before. The people I matched up... I mean, ARNOLD and HELGA... can you imagine anything more RIDICULOUS? I mean, they couldnít be more opposite! If they actually got married, what would THAT be like?
Rhonda shakes her head. Phoebe has a different view of what Arnold and Helgaís future would be like. While looking out the window, she pictures the two standing on a lighthouse, looking at the sunset. They look at each other, and, holding hands, watch the sun going down.